Tip of the day

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I'm playing the lottery this weekend. I never get any numbers right. Increase your chances of winning this weekend and avoid these numbers 2,4,11,34,36,44.

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Increase your chances of winning this weekend and avoid these numbers 2,4,11,34,36,44.

...and if they do turn up we all know where to send our begging PMs...

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If I win the 18 million Euro jackpot. Then I'd swap Euros for fivers. Phone estate agent in Watford. Buy large house. Move. Get in bath and rub myself in bacon. Then go to boozer and slag off Germany with me mates. If you can find me, I'll buy you a lager.

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Do not buy your husband/partner a really cheap nose hair trimmer & then expect him to take you to dinner after he has tried it out :ph34r:

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To live in Watford and to slag off where anybody else lives is the pit of folly

 

- Confucious (while drinking at The Dog and Duck, Bourne End 1983)

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So... you could have not done the lottery and ended up richer than you started.

 

Call it a tip

;)

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Well it was a freebie ticket so I haven't really lost anything. But now I'm hooked. My numbers for next Wednesday 3 6 8 46 47 48

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Do not pick VDay or any day near it to send your ex new photos of the two of you all happy and glowing on your last holiday together. Especially when you are now blissfully in love with someone else and they... erm... are not. Should you find yourself on the receiving end of this very thoughtful gesture, hit delete.

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Always write down or tell someone where you parked the car if you live in a busy city. Otherwise you might struggle to find it and end up having to walk.

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Here's a tip for you: When going on the computer whilst drinking, always place a bag full of punctuation marks close to hand. After typing, full stops, commas and exclamation marks can then be added making your offering comprehensible.

 

Here, have some on me, my computer seems full of them:

 

...''''''''''''''',,,,,,,,,,,,!!!

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While pushing your baggage trolley laden with 96 kg of luggage through the airport terminal, avoid getting into fist fights with irate dog owners by carefully looking forwards for any dog tails laying in your passageway. Also if you have one remember to turn your hearing aid off as if you do happen to run over a dog tail the shreiks will deafen you even more.

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When on the plane and visiting the loo for a number 2, especially those long haul ones, line the bowl with paper first. Then when you flush, the suction- thing takes it all away and there are no skid marks left behind.

 

And it less embarrasing when the blond or brunette sitting next to you, or sexy hostess is next in line.

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After chopping chillis not only wash your hands but rub them generously with hand cream. I neglected to do this yesterday, only scrubbing them with soap and warm water and cleaning under my nails, and took a warm shower this morning.

My hands are throbbing.

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God I remember last time I made ceviche - after dicing up the jalapenos my cracked fingers felt like they were on fire for several hours... You should really make sure you use hand cream and such before chopping chili peppers, dry cracked hands = lots of pain afterwords.

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