Tip of the day

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When cooking burned boiled-in-the bag rice, always remember to add water.

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Never go shopping for new "everyday" bras and panties with your husband. You will end up coming back with lots of 'not everyday' bras and panties. (wait, is this a bad thing?)

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Get revenge on that landlord by either...

 

1). Throw watercress seeds over various places, sprinkle water and turn the heating up a little.

 

2). Lodge fish behind radiator and turn up heat a little.

 

3). Fish paste can also be used in place of fish.

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It is extremely unsexy and even very dangerous for your health to say to a female loved one ''time to unload’’. If these words happen to slip from lips by accident cover your groin area with your hands very quickly.

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If someone is stealing your milk (either door step or out of the fridge) replace milk with weak paint mix or mix milk with laxatives.

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If you are a barman and one customer comes to you asking if this establishment provides free condoms – request that they come back in five minutes – go to condom dispenser in the washrooms – pierce condom thoroughly with needle many times – return to bar and give to the stupid customer.

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Do not forget to put the lid on the pan when you are making popcorn the old fashioned way! get under the table sharpish when it starts popping and do not try to get near the pan to put forgotten lid on.

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It is extremely unsexy and even very dangerous for your health to say to a female loved one ''time to unload’’.

Agreed, also avoid using the phrase "feel the width, bitch!"

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However strong you may think you are never try undo screws with your finger nail. In the majority of cases the nail will split lengthwise up the center of the nail right to the core - I have always found this to be very painful.

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Even though you found it very funny when you read it, do not say to your new female boss "I can see you are not one of those shallow types that cares about her appearance"

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do not by any means tell husband that he does all household stuff half-assed...not only will you have to explain half-assed but you will end up doing it all by yourself.

 

i have learned the lesson to keep my mouth shut when it comes to my husbands way of thinking. like why driving to stuttgart whilst he has a sick note and he drives a company car (that is clearly marked) is stupid when the chances of him being seen are less going to the same type of store (grocery) that is only 5 minutes away.

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If someone official in German asks you for your "Geburtstag" before you think what is this person gonna send me a birthday card or something and you start laughing you must first consider that it is highly likely that they are asking for your date of birth.

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Do not tell the skinny, chain smoking, French guy at work that he reminds you of someone, and then explain it is Gaston (the comic figure) once you remembered who he does actually remind you of. Especially not if you are new.

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Never put washing up liquid in a dishwashing machine - you will be knee high in soap suds.

Although it does give you a headstart in cleaning the floors. Try to be positive now!

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do not by any means tell husband that he does all household stuff half-assed

This usually leads to a fight in our house. However, if you do not say anything, and in my case if you don't say it often enough, you end up with a shrunken wool sweater. Again, think positively.

1) At least I don't have to worry about that pesky "lie flat to dry" requirement.

2) He did attempt to wash some clothes. :o

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would be if it was just laundry, because apparently its better when he does it (the clothes look better or something) :blink: but it even comes down to our dogs. when fighting with our 2 pd yorkie to clean his ears and clip his nails, hubby insists that he can do it better. after 2 minutes of trying to get the cleaning started he gives up and says, oh well he won't let me do it and walks away. :blink:

 

not to mention, the logic, not rinse off the dishes before putting them in the dishwasher but will complain that there is stuff in the bottom of the dishwasher that has to be cleaned out. why not just get all the stuff off the dishes so that you don't have pieces of lettuce, pasta in the bottom. makes sense to me. and when our dogs came in the other day and had tracked mud throughout the house before we caught them, i said, i'll clean their paws if you will do the mopping, also saying can you mop the downstairs room completely as it needs it anyway. tell me why he didn't mop but a circle spot in the center of the room and missed all the mud, thus i had to go and do it the right way. he said, well we had to mop anyway so i figured we'd wait until later to do the rest. wuahhh!

 

this on top of moving and checking every piece of paper that he writes for a job interview in the u.s. and i'm ready to put my head in the oven.

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Avoid parking tickets by leaving the windscreen wipers on fast, when you park.

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When putting clients asking technical advice on speakerphone, do remember to hang up on them properly, before using a panoply of nasty cusswords to describe their intelligence, technical aptitude and genital hygiene and suggesting unsavoury solutions to problems in this anatomical area involving industrial footwear and a gaelic football team. If you must, make sure I'm not there, as falling out of my chair with laughter and banging my face on the floor, when the client eventually interrupts you, isn't half as funny as it sounds.

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