Regrets on making a permanent move to Germany

[boomtown_rat 629]

thats partly why I think a neutral country or place is much better. I think its somewhat unfair/insensitive to do so much with the 'local' family, when the other partner is so far away from theirs. Taking washing home and seeing in laws every weekend would just be too much for me

 

I wouldn't particularly expect the Bayerisch mother in law to suddenly become liberated (although criticising washing etc is a joke) but maybe your boyfriend should think of introducing some activities other than something involving visiting the family, as well as not taking his washing to mom, I mean, jeez!

[Guest]

@ germanshelley

German women, especially the Bavarian ones living in small villages or towns, are not really known for being supporters of women´s lib... Germany is still a very traditional society regarding gender roles... And you are probably right, she cannot understand how you " can refuse to liberate her son from all the dirty work"... So the point is, what is your BF´s opinion on the situation? Does he (silently) support his mother´s view (apparently since he is still bringing his dirty laundry every two weeks and from your post, I gather you guys do own a washing machine) or does he stand up for himself (and you) and tell his mother (nicely) that he appreciates her concern but that he wants to do it all by himself because he is a grown-up now and that he totally supports the way you guys deal with chores...?

[germanyshelley 10]

LOL oleron...are you kidding? he prefers his mother to do his laundry...i get the impression that he thinks we americans don't do it "properly." haha...you know how germans are...their way is the best way. he also commented once that when his mother mops the floor, she moves ALL THE FURNITURE out first, so as to REALLY get it clean. hahaha...all i could do was laugh...

 

oh well, i guess i shouldn't complain that my boyfriend DOESN'T want me to touch his wash...at any rate, i feel bad complaining about a high level of family involvement...it could be worse, he could hate his family.

 

sorry to get so far off subject, cruiser!

[germanyshelley 10]

thank you, boomtown rat! i also think seeing the in-laws EVERY WEEKEND is too much to ask...but felt like a b**** for thinking like that!

[Guest]

Well, how about your BF does all the chores in the house, including the laundry of course, since he has been trained by a German Greatmaster of Cleaning? Even if he has never done it yet, he knows all the moves from watching, this way it will always be work done to perfection... And it is never too late to learn :P

[Guest]

 

i also think seeing the in-laws EVERY WEEKEND is too much to ask...but felt like a b**** for thinking like that!

Noooo, you are just being way to understanding and accomodating ... (not that it has never happened to me...)

[germanyshelley 10]

hahaha...i like that idea, oleron. "german greatmaster of cleaning"...classic.

 

did i mention that when i first moved here, she used to ask my BF why i didn't bring my laundry for her to do, too? and sometimes, when we're there for a long weekend or something, she'll stealthily do mine...and i'm pretty sure she ironed my underwear once.

 

gotta love it.

[Johnny English 3,071]

You need to just "go with the flow" with the in-laws. They want to help. They want to be involved. So now I actively find them jobs to do. I tease the mother-in-law if she has not been round to do the laundry, I leave her jackets with buttons that need sewing. I make sure I avoid the power drill if I know the father-in-law is coming round.

 

It works. Don't try and buck the system.

[germanyshelley 10]

hahaha...will do, johnny english. i agree, you can't buck the system here...just gotta accept it! maybe next time we go to their house, i'll take her a big bag of dirty laundry, and maybe some dirty dishes too...just to give her a little treat.

 

hahaha...

[Guest]

Good idea JE, I am more for "if you really want it that way, then do it yourself, you know how it works best anyway" but your suggestion kills two bird with one stone :lol:

[Verwirrt 3]

 

You need to just "go with the flow" with the in-laws. They want to help. They want to be involved. So now I actively find them jobs to do. I tease the mother-in-law if she has not been round to do the laundry, I leave her jackets with buttons that need sewing. I make sure I avoid the power drill if I know the father-in-law is coming round.

 

It works. Don't try and buck the system.

Johnny has hit the nail on the head...all in laws, not country specific, want to be involved and of course share their "only this way works" views. allow them.

[Jack 13]

 

i can certainly relate...i also moved here "for love" (man that sounds cheesy when you say it out loud..haha) almost a year ago and still find it hard. but i've decided that i have just 2 choices: (1) suck it up, stop complaining, and make a conscious effort to be happy, or (2) go home. it's that simple. would i be happier at home in the great U.S. of A without my wonderful German boyfriend...no. so i might as well make the most of it here.

 

i just wish there were a Toytown presence here in Regensburg!! sounds like it helps alot!!

 

p.s. i also have to deal with my boyfriend's bayerisch family...and i can't understand a word they say...which sucks, because i just have to sit there like a lump on a log. and last week his mother told him not to let me do his laundry anymore, because his whites aren't white anymore. grrrrr...

Long term I think trying to oversee whats bothering you isn't going to work at some stage you are going to explode, and then it will be a BIG bang. As well as that, Where will your mother in law draw the line with regards to interfering, if things keep going on that way maybe soon he'll be going to his mothers to eat after work. Sounds like you got yourself a mammys boy. I know how you feel though because I had a similar problem to which there is no simple solution because someone is going to get hurt, so do what you can so that it's not you.

[cruiser 13]

Thanks to all of you who have posted in this thread - both on and off topic! I'm already seeing my life here in a different light and I will not give up and return to the UK.

 

By the way, has anyone read, and perhaps had their life influenced by, Eckhart Tolle's book 'The Power of Now'? I think this book is something special but of course, as with other 'self-help' works, putting the theory into practice is what really matters!

[germanyshelley 10]

cheers jack. you're right, no easy solution...i've just started to make 'my own plans' on alternate weekends, and if my BF wants to go to his hometown without me, that's fine too. at first i worried that the in-laws would take this the wrong way, but i think they understand as well.

 

having said that...i may be making the situation sound worse than it is, for humor's sake. my original point was, that while at first i had to make a conscious decision to like germany, it comes naturally now.

 

and yes jack, he IS a mamma's boy! but i still love him! :D

[germanyshelley 10]

glad to hear it, cruiser! this thread also made me feel more upbeat about my situation! and it gives you a litte perspective on your problem!

[boomtown_rat 629]

good for you shelley and cruiser

 

 

You need to just "go with the flow" with the in-laws. They want to help. They want to be involved

I do see where you are coming from and agree to an extent. In relationships involving long moves (overseas or domestic) though it has given me a bad conscience before that the 'local' in laws can get so involved but the ones that got 'left behind' can't really participate as much. If everyone all lived locally it wouldn't be such an issue I guess. But basically yeah I guess to an extent its just a matter of getting used to the situation slowly and trying to go with the flow (but without being trampled on)

[Cookie 4]

 

Man, remind me to start hassling you about American politics next time I see you. Free beer for a few minutes of arguing, nice work!

But just one beer. I then disappear and ignore you next time I see you. :ph34r:

[Keydeck 9,248]

 

But just one beer.

 

Words you simply don't expect to read.

[Guest]

I don't regret nothin', EVER (apart from those ladies where I was too drunk to recognise the signs, oh! and... nevermind).

 

I come 'ere pretty much skint. Made new friends, got pulled by a babe, got married and became a dad. 'alf me mates are Germans. The other 'alf mostly English speakers and some Americans, including some of you 'orrible lot. There's bars 'ere. Go back 'ome to Blighty and they've either turned into video jukebox 'ell full of chavs and pikeys, or fuckin' poncey winebars full of poofs sportin' pink shirts flashing their Beamer keys about like it mattered. Beer 'ere is luverly, and cheap compared to the prices back 'ome. Sure, I miss The Smoke, but let's face it, there ain't many Londoners left there anymore. They've all naffed off to where the livin' in easier or the dosh more bountiful. I get 'omesick from time to time, so I get's me arse on a plane and flies back... and the funny thing is, 30 minutes later me 'omesickness is totally cured. Still, I know I'm not 'ere forever. Gonna get me a place up in Norway to while away me twilight years. Still bleedin' skint mind. I think it might 'ave somethin' to do with spendin' it all.

[germanyshelley 10]

 

good for you shelley and cruiser

 

I do see where you are coming from and agree to an extent. In relationships involving long moves (overseas or domestic) though it has given me a bad conscience before that the 'local' in laws can get so involved but the ones that got 'left behind' can't really participate as much. If everyone all lived locally it wouldn't be such an issue I guess. But basically yeah I guess to an extent its just a matter of getting used to the situation slowly and trying to go with the flow (but without being trampled on)

true! my mother (in the states) is jealous as hell that we're always with his parents. And she's scared to death that her (future) grandbabies will be born in another country...too far away for her to spoil properly!