Why are you unhappy today?

10,675 posts in this topic

13 hours ago, AlexTr said:

 

I just wanted you to know that I did tell my wife last night about all of this. Her response was excellent. "Of course you are sad about this. She is your age. Your best friend currently has anal cancer. You are married and happy and she is divorced and has no husband or wife for comfort. It would be strange if you didn't feel sad and sorry for her."

 

It just shows you married a nice person you can trust.
Never mind the warts and quirks, we all have them. :)

 

Man, I miss my sister now...

 

 

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23 hours ago, AlexTr said:

 

I just wanted you to know that I did tell my wife last night about all of this. Her response was excellent. "Of course you are sad about this. She is your age. Your best friend currently has anal cancer. You are married and happy and she is divorced and has no husband or wife for comfort. It would be strange if you didn't feel sad and sorry for her."

FYI: Anal cancer has a 95% survival rate. Rectal cancer not so much. However, her point was well made.

 

Bravo!

 

That's what I expected from someone you're happily married to for such a long time.

Those secrets aren't good for a marriage IMO; it's good that you've told her.

 

All the best!

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WTF possessed me to marry a man who did not want to kiss me? That should have been the biggest red flag ever. And I missed it. How? Why?

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1 hour ago, optimista said:

WTF possessed me to marry a man who did not want to kiss me? That should have been the biggest red flag ever. And I missed it. How? Why?

 

sheer (though perhaps misguided) optimism?

 

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51 minutes ago, Cammiede said:

 

You make that sound so easy. 

 

It usually is easy... But..

some folks dont like to rock the boat... 

Some folks prefer to chose the sneaky option..

Some folks have no self confidence..

Some folk dont like to say goodbye to security.. 

 

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On 1/10/2019, 8:10:48, AlexTr said:

I decided to send her a very brief email letting her know [...] that she was long ago forgiven [...]I didn't say this directly-the contact and concern should be enough if she had any lingering concerns), and that I was thinking about her. 

 

I am sure that as her life draws to a close and she reflects on her life and achievements that your generosity here will be a comfort to her.

 

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50 minutes ago, SpiderPig said:

 

It usually is easy... But..

 

 

some folks don't have a plan B...

 

We all need a plan B for our mental health if nothing else. Without a plan B there is no hope.

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51 minutes ago, SpiderPig said:

 

It usually is easy... But..

some folks dont like to rock the boat... 

Some folks prefer to chose the sneaky option..

Some folks have no self confidence..

Some folk dont like to say goodbye to security.. 

 

 

I support people who make this decision. I obviously want people to be happy. 

 

To claim that this is an easy option, however, is belittling the person who actually makes such a decision, which could cause alienation of children and other family members, friends, etc.  

 

Completely theoretical and not making any assumptions concerning our beloved optimista here, but there is always more to any story. It may not be in the best interest of the “unhappy” party to destroy everything he or she has invested so much time and love into, and may not be what he or she wants. 

 

It’s more than just a little flippant to say, “just leave”. 

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45 minutes ago, Cammiede said:

 

I support people who make this decision. I obviously want people to be happy. 

 

To claim that this is an easy option, however, is belittling the person who actually makes such a decision, which could cause alienation of children and other family members, friends, etc.  

 

Completely theoretical and not making any assumptions concerning our beloved optimista here, but there is always more to any story. It may not be in the best interest of the “unhappy” party to destroy everything he or she has invested so much time and love into, and may not be what he or she wants. 

 

It’s more than just a little flippant to say, “just leave”. 

 

My opinion is that blind love sometimes makes people overlook things that they later can't understand how they didn't see at the time.

 

In any case if the relationship is not working, before one up and leaves, one might want to look at if you can fix it, does the partner realize there are problems, is the partner also willing to fix it etc. The problems need to be discussed etc. Once you know it's not fixable then it's time to think about leaving.

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1 hour ago, Kommentarlos said:

 

some folks don't have a plan B...

 

We all need a plan B for our mental health if nothing else. Without a plan B there is no hope.

 

I tend to agree, but as soon as kids enter the picture  - Note I have no idea if that's a consideration in this case or not! - there simply IS no plan B that's really all it's cracked up to be.

 

the point overall is that thinking you have a plan B can often help you get through some tough spells, but actually pulling the trigger and enacting it is a completely different scenario (with kids especially, but also without)

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14 hours ago, Kommentarlos said:

 

I am sure that as her life draws to a close and she reflects on her life and achievements that your generosity here will be a comfort to her.

 

 

I think generosity is an overstatement. Knowing, as I do, that Lorrie and I both would not like to leave hurt in the world, it may only rise to the level of merciful. The world would be a better place if more people were merciful. However, the ability for a person to show mercy is only borne of suffering oneself and many people occupy lives bereft of any emotional depth, either high or low, and, therefore, never learn what merit there is in a kind gesture. I am sure you have encountered such people for whom everything is merely fodder for jokes or sarcastic remarks because they don't understand that kind of emotional depth. I feel sad for those people. Their lives are truly empty.

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20 hours ago, SpiderPig said:

 

It usually is easy... But..

some folks dont like to rock the boat... 

Some folks prefer to chose the sneaky option..

Some folks have no self confidence..

Some folk dont like to say goodbye to security.. 

 

 

Having gone through it once, i feel stressed to go through one more time - the pain, anger, uncertainty...

 

One hopes slowly we will drift so far apart that the bond between us is not visible.

 

Also living in limbo becomes a way of life - 2 people living under one roof but having their own boring routines - maybe waiting for the other to make the first move

 

 

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30 minutes ago, optimista said:

 Destroying lives and long-term poverty are even less alluring than sticking around just because life is not all perfect. I do think he is closet gay and never gonna come out. So nothing to fix. Thanks for your comments though folks. Just airing it helps.

 

I'm glad you said it, as I've had the impression for a while this is a lavender marriage.

Nothing wrong with that, but both sides should have known that from the start.

 

There was a similar case in a friend's family, and the closeted person never was fully happy.

 

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48 minutes ago, optimista said:

 I do think he is closet gay and never gonna come out. 

 

I was wondering if that might be the case based on your most recent post. Except for the closeted part, I assumed he had come out to you and you were wondering how you never saw it. 

 

 

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20 minutes ago, lisa13 said:

I have it all figured out.  That's why I'm still single

 

Self-knowledge: Priceless

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