teenager shoplifting

[Gambatte 928]

17 hours ago, Fietsrad said:

Send your child to music school, there are plenty of those in Germany, to learn to play violin

Violin is one of the many activities we made her try. Started just pre puberty. Loved it the first 2 weeks. Hated it the next 2 yr until she finally stopped. Apart from the formal lessons she NEVER touched her violin.

 

With E-Gitarre exactly the same.

[optimista 5,891]

5 hours ago, Anna66 said:

It is never easy being a teenager. 

In médiéval times they actually used to swap kids.

[Fietsrad 413]

Apparently children are contrary and disobedient. Tell a child not to eat spinach, if you want them to eat it!

 

Not sure if it would be wise to apply that to shoplifting.

..

I "discovered" cycling as a teenager, that kept me out of trouble, partly. And a school trip to a strange country ("West" Germany!)😃

..

I think children are forced to spend too much time learning. School put me off learning for years, until I developed my own interests and Neugier/curiosity. 

[snowingagain 5,361]

Social media has made pre teen and teenage years worse.  My 2 older ones escaped the worst of it.  The third has deleted Instragram thank God.   I read that kids, even ones who are reasonably good, are giving up music or whatever because of the talent they see there.  Which is mad.   And so much fakery, make up and filters.   

[Krieg 15,039]

2 hours ago, Gambatte said:

Violin is one of the many activities we made her try. Started just pre puberty. Loved it the first 2 weeks. Hated it the next 2 yr until she finally stopped. Apart from the formal lessons she NEVER touched her violin.

 

With E-Gitarre exactly the same.

 

Violin and guitar are not easy to learn, both require lots of effort and time just to start making simple melodies.   It does not do well in the times of instant satisfaction.

 

If she really wants to continue with music piano might be "easier" to start, bit still requires work.   Maybe you should ask her what she really wants, maybe she wants to play drums, or to learn how to make music on the computer or to learn how to properly edit videos.   The interests of the kids are changing, trying to force them to do what we did in our time might not work with every kid.

 

 

[optimista 5,891]

9 hours ago, Anna66 said:

 

[optimista 5,891]

They don t have enough boredom. I strummed on a mandolin and puffed into a recorder for hours because nothing else was going. One day you realise you re quite good. Nobody ever forced me. There was no other option on offer unless you went out into the wind and rain. Then I was old enough for the junior brass band  which led to other stuff further down the line.

The best you can do is plant seeds and hope they germinate.

[LeonG 14,811]

3 hours ago, optimista said:

In médiéval times they actually used to swap kids.

 

My grandma, born in 1910, said it was common for teenage girls to be sent to live with different families for a few months to learn how things work in a different household.  I think the boys mostly started apprenticeship early and may have moved into the household of their master depending on how far they lived.  Everybody had a million kids back then too so the older had to leave early to make room.

[optimista 5,891]

Nature always had the fledglings flying the nest... seems it's now the parents who have to leave.

[Krieg 15,039]

15 hours ago, LeonG said:

My grandma, born in 1910, said it was common for teenage girls to be sent to live with different families for a few months to learn how things work in a different household.

 

I am not that old and that was common in my time.   I remember three of my cousins living with us (one at a time) for a couple of months during the holidays.  And I remember spending the summer with different grand-uncle's families, with one particular grand uncle I spent two summers together with my sister and that was tough because he was a Christian Evangelical pastor, but the cool thing is that it was in a farm in a very remote area.

[Gambatte 928]

17 minutes ago, dessa_dangerous said:

 So let them go and find something else they are interested in.  

On 18/03/2023, 20:49:09, Fietsrad said:

 

Dessa,

this sounds good, but sorry there's some missing the point here. I've been offering activities for the last 13yr and there's still NOTHING this child is excited to do.😭😭😭

So although I agree forcing doesn't work, saying "rather than forcing just find something else the child is interested in" doesn't work either.😭😭😭

[dessa_dangerous 13,315]

I'm not a parent which is part of why I decided to remove my comment altogether, but you were too fast  is it possible that you're only "offering" things you think are interesting though?

In the now-gone comment I wrote, I didn't need to be asked twice if I wanted to play an instrument and indeed I was already able to name one straight away.  I still play that instrument for fun til this day.  Is there a chance that your kid is interested in something that hasn't been "offered" to her?  A child who cries when they are not allowed to warm the bench at soccer obviously never wanted to be there in the first place.  Does she really only care about her smartphone?  Even there you might be able to figure something out.

You can also take alternative routes.   Kids actually love to volunteer.  You can "offer" your kid to work at the local food bank, tutor younger children, or give tours in an organic garden (yes I'm not being imaginative, those are all things I have done as a young person).  There's lots of stuff for them to do outside the regular sports and instruments route.  Also though it may not stop them experimenting and bowing to peer pressure.  You can't prevent all the mistakes they're inevitably going to make.

 

[john g. 37,775]

I can honestly say I don't think I ever did any shoplifting when I was a teenager. I once refused to pay for my bus ticket when I was 12 or 13 and that was only because I had a schoolmate with me and it was a dare and the ticket collector was doing a student summer job and shrugged it off!

 

But I was a victim of slightly pre-teenage " crime " at school when one of the more unruly boys at the back of the class, Howell, stole my packaged apple pie lunch! I told the teacher and Howell got six of the best from the Headmaster.

We had no contact again until I was 26 and walked into the room at University College London for a get-to-know-you sherry with the tutors ... and a voice rang out... " fucking John Gunn!"

 

Yes, Howell!! We became fast friends and it turned out he had also spent years travelling around Latin America and even travelled a while with the same Jeff from Lancashire! 

 

We studied the same Degree and even started at the same company after graduation! 

 

I googled him a few years ago and his death was commented on in a Cuban newspaper😟

He died of unknown causes in Madrid. Quite a Cuban Revolution fan.

 

You never know what your teenagers will end up being like or being interested in. Siblings can be like chalk and cheese.

You can only do your best. You are not the only influence.

 

Googled Howell again! RIP

https://www.billboard.com/music/music-news/howell-llewellyn-longtime-spain-correspondent-for-billboard-dies-1537394/

 

 

Ha👍

The Cuban obituary!

https://www.cubainformacion.tv/solidaridad/20121229/47414/47414-fallece-howell-llewellyn-militante-de-la-coordinadora-de-solidaridad-con-cuba-de-madrid-y-colaborador-de-cubainformacion

[Gambatte 928]

1 hour ago, dessa_dangerous said:

is it possible that you're only "offering" things you think are interesting though?

 

No, this is not the case.

Excellent question though.

[Aussiedog 269]

15 hours ago, Gambatte said:

I've been offering activities for the last 13yr and there's still NOTHING this child is excited to do.😭😭😭

So although I agree forcing doesn't work, saying "rather than forcing just find something else the child is interested in" doesn't work either.😭😭😭

 

  

This I can relate to. Went through something similar with my daughter. Very frustrating and for me quite sad as there is almost nothing that we like to do together. Has taken a long time to accept and to learn to accept that that is how she is. Now that I can do that better, we actually get on better, and we at least sometimes find things to talk about. She's still not really into anything much, and we don't do much together, certainly none of the things that I perhaps had imagined we would do (tennis, swimming, surfing, sailing...etc) but I think she senses that I accept her more just the way she is, and that has improved the quality of our relationship.

 

Apropos shoplifting: I believe that from a psychoanalytic point of view it's seen as the attempt to get something from the parent that the kid didn't get earlier on. One aspect of it apparently.

[MeBerlin 7]

On 15.3.2023, 15:36:04, optimista said:

 

As for police involvement, I second that you really, really do not want them in your lives. Do not assume under any circumstances they will be doing their job conscientiously, humanely, aptly or any other positive adverb. My experience of institutional failure at all levels - albeit in France - has been utterly dismal. Forget the authoritative, avuncular chat of yesteryear. You are more likely to be faced with a semi-literate yob in uniform keen to make a career at any price, scoring points any way he/she can. Including making stuff up themselves. Especially when they are handing foreigners. Sorry to say it but it is sadly true that they give you a harder ride - because they can.

 

I don't agree. We are going through something similar with our daughter and though the times she shoplifted didn't involve the police. They did get involved when she faked a break-in at our house with her being tight up by two robbers. The Kripo woman guessed right away it was made up (though only told us), Jugendamt automatically got triggered. Our daughter had to go back to the Kripo to have a talking to and to the Jugendamt to meet with a social worker. Everyone was wonderful, very empathetic yet also honest, and nothing but helpful. Our daughter was already in therapy and we are glad for it. The whole involvement with the police  did leave an impression and while she is still struggling with other things, I think she got how serious things can end up.

 

My daughter is twelve, BTW. Smack in the middle of puberty as literally the first one in her class. She is friendly, meets people easily, super talented in arts, loves singing, but also extremely head strong with low impulse control and anger issue and few lasting friendships. She has a disability, too. Thing are often difficult. And often wonderful. I worry. A lot. Parenting is hard.

[optimista 5,891]

The future looks like it could be interesting. Keep us posted. I hope any further dealings with the authorities continue to be professional and of benefit. You sure do not want the alternative. Good luck.

[Gambatte 928]

@MeBerlin, OP here. Thanks for contributing to this thread with such an interesting story.

Why did she fake the break in?

I know my own 13yo daughter is capable of many bad things. And she probably did already more than I know of. But faking a break in is probably not in her list yet.

[optimista 5,891]

Yet