Flatmate attacked me, not sure how to proceed

38 posts in this topic

21 minutes ago, coeurquibat said:

I don't want to feel like I can't do anything but stay in my room

 

If his room is the living room, where do you normally stay?

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2 hours ago, pmd said:

I know it's easy to say it but I would move out asap if there has been physical violence. There is a time for standing your ground but you don't know your flatmate's psychological history. There was a tragic case in Ireland of a guy being murdered by his flatmate - I knew the victim from my university days and it was just a real shock to read the story a few years ago. 

I know what you mean. I'm considering going because I really do think he's becoming highly unstable. I warned him that there will be obvious consequences if he tries anything similar again, but I'm not even sure he has taken that on board. He's an intelligent enough guy, but actually seemed to think his attack was 'justified' because I had somehow driven him to it. And in any case, no amount of warning will stop someone if they totally flip out. Which is why I'm trying to find out as quickly as possible if there's any way I can get him away from ME, as an alternative - but doubt it's that easy.

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6 minutes ago, fraufruit said:

 

If his room is the living room, where do you normally stay?

It's actually a large one-bed apartment. The only 'common' area is the big kitchen. Other than that, we each have a room: I'm in the original bedroom.

2 hours ago, pmd said:

I know it's easy to say it but I would move out asap if there has been physical violence. There is a time for standing your ground but you don't know your flatmate's psychological history. There was a tragic case in Ireland of a guy being murdered by his flatmate - I knew the victim from my university days and it was just a real shock to read the story a few years ago. 

I know what you mean. I'm considering going because I really do think he's becoming highly unstable. I warned him that there will be obvious consequences if he tries anything similar again, but I'm not even sure he has taken that on board. He's an intelligent enough guy, but actually seemed to think his attack was 'justified' because I had somehow driven him to it. And in any case, no amount of warning will stop someone if they totally flip out. Which is why I'm trying to find out as quickly as possible if there's any way I can get him away from ME, as an alternative - but doubt it's that easy.

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5 hours ago, LukeSkywalker said:

@coeurquibat: tell your flatmate following:”If you’re a conflict coach, LukeSkywalker of TT is the next pope of Italy.”

I know. Maybe one day I'll laugh about it.

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I don't see the difference between male on female violence (where everyone would quite rightly say get the hell out of this abusive relationship) and your situation, to be honest. It's a domestic situation that is a ticking time bomb. 

All the best and look after yourself 👍

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That is such a horrible and degrading situation for you. He attacked you and caused you pain and above all humiliation. For me that's too much to take. 

If your instincts didnot  pick up when you are that much offended , you are a peaceful soul and that is not your home.   Find some place else.  

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44 minutes ago, pmd said:

I don't see the difference between male on female violence (where everyone would quite rightly say get the hell out of this abusive relationship) and your situation, to be honest. It's a domestic situation that is a ticking time bomb. 

All the best and look after yourself 👍

Thank you.

6 hours ago, LukeSkywalker said:

@coeurquibat: tell your flatmate following:”If you’re a conflict coach, LukeSkywalker of TT is the next pope of Italy.”

I know. Maybe one day I'll laugh about it.

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56 minutes ago, coeurquibat said:

I warned him that there will be obvious consequences if he tries anything similar again, but I'm not even sure he has taken that on board. He's an intelligent enough guy, but actually seemed to think his attack was 'justified' because I had somehow driven him to it. And in any case, no amount of warning will stop someone if they totally flip out. Which is why I'm trying to find out as quickly as possible if there's any way I can get him away from ME, as an alternative - but doubt it's that easy.

 

If he is batshit crazy, a restraining order or police involvement will not help.  However, many violent individuals do have their wits about them if it means trouble for them.  A friend had a crazy landlord who had a habit of flying off the handle and yelling at him.  He felt like he was he king of his castle and could do what he wanted. One time he got physical and tried to attack my friend and threatened him.   The friend reported him to the police.  The police just talked to the guy, no charges but obviously whatever they said sunk in because after that, the landlord started to avoid him completely.

 

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10 minutes ago, jubinjohn said:

That is such a horrible and degrading situation for you. He attacked you and caused you pain and above all humiliation. For me that's too much to take. 

If your instincts didnot  pick up when you are that much offended , you are a peaceful soul and that is not your home.   Find some place else.  

I'm not a saint by any means, and by now would gladly see the back of him - ideally without having to move out myself. Someone here mentioned the possibility of a restraining order, and I will now definitely take advice as to how practical / likely this is. Effectively, I guess, this is what I wanted to find out here. Obviously I don't want to be in the same space as him any more, but am stubborn enough to feel that he shouldn't 'get away' with his bullying and end up with a great flat that I also went to effort and expense to find. Obviously he also wants me gone, and it looks like he could well achieve his objective by beating me up, which stinks. Many have rightly said that it will almost certainly get worse; that bits of paper or a ticking off from the police won't really change anything, and of course by now I have to agree; having reached these levels of extreme antipathy (mutually) they will never dissipate. The only solution is to get him out, or move out myself, and do either quickly. Again, thanks to all who have helped me see the situation more clearly than I was able to just after it happened.

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8 minutes ago, LeonG said:

 

If he is batshit crazy, a restraining order or police involvement will not help.  However, many violent individuals do have their wits about them if it means trouble for them.  A friend had a crazy landlord who had a habit of flying off the handle and yelling at him.  He felt like he was he king of his castle and could do what he wanted. One time he got physical and tried to attack my friend and threatened him.   The friend reported him to the police.  The police just talked to the guy, no charges but obviously whatever they said sunk in because after that, the landlord started to avoid him completely.

 

Thanks Leon. I'm inclined to think that he's not batshit crazy and MUST realise that if something like this happens again he will really be in serious shit. As a conflict coach he just has to have some idea of the legal implications of attacking someone! The police obviously spoke to him when they came, but we were in separate rooms. When I spoke to him briefly the next day he didn't even know they had given me the possibility to press charges, and I could see his expression change when I mentioned it. I think, now, he probably has a better understanding of the implications. Then again, he also seemed close to hysterical the three times this type of altercation happened, and if he's the kind of person who really does flip out totally, even his own sense of self-preservation won't stop him inflicting serious damage in the heat of the moment. I just don't know ... he hasn't seriously hurt me (yet) and he's a huge guy ... I almost wonder if he's actively trying to push the intimidation/control tactics to a really nasty level so that I leave - end of problem for him, from his point of view. But obviously I can't be sure about anything. I noted what you said about a restraining order, and THINK, if I could get one and make sure he was evicted from the flat, he wouldn't then come hunting me down on the street. I appreciate your points about the possibility of such an order, and am looking online for a lawyer now.

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1 hour ago, pmd said:

I don't see the difference between male on female violence (where everyone would quite rightly say get the hell out of this abusive relationship) and your situation, to be honest. It's a domestic situation that is a ticking time bomb. 

All the best and look after yourself 👍

Thank you. Advice definitely taken on board.

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Oh grow up... Life isn´t fair, if you don´t like the situation change it.

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34 minutes ago, coeurquibat said:

I noted what you said about a restraining order, and THINK, if I could get one and make sure he was evicted from the flat, he wouldn't then come hunting me down on the street. I appreciate your points about the possibility of such an order, and am looking online for a lawyer now.

 

Aside from leaving, whatever you do could escalate the situation.  However, you can't live with the current situation so you have to change it.  Either you press charges which might help or might escalate or you leave.

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The main issue seems to have stemmed from organisation and agreement in the kitchen and bathroom between you both and sharing those communal spaces.  Differences in cleanliness, tidiness and the smells during and after-smells from cooking are huge flashpoints and sensitivities

.  

I would imagine a glass partition is not enough to stop general sharing of noise spread from the kitchen and it must be very difficult for you both, in particular for you when using the room/kitchen, ie you having to be very careful in how much noise you make, whereas he does not have to be aware at all when he uses it because you are not adjacent.    

 

I am a landlady and have just replaced a cooker extractor fan.  Mine vents outside but you can buy internal circulating ones with interchangeable charcoal extractor filters.  This strikes me as the only solution.   Cooking smells circulating around the flat must be horrible and the grease/moisture setting up on the ceilings, walls and surfaces a slicky nightmare. Opening a window may help but tends to blow the fumes in one direction only - further in. Best to open window slightly and use extractor.

 

I continually have to remind the lodgers to remember to turn the extractor on when cooking.  They also do not understand the law of physics when cooking; never use a lid when boiling pasta for example or burn food and oil at such high temperatures to such a smoke point as to be poisonous to inhale in the house and eye watering, highly spiced food induces the same. 

 

Wet and heat area must be kept clean and wiped down.  Everything needs to be put away after use ready for another to use the room.  These are basics.  A proper rota may help where you both work together.

 

From your writing you appear to be the main user in using the cooking facilities and therefore need to be aware of being tidy.   Perhaps after 10 years you need to revise the agreement and have a talk, away from the flat.  As it is you are in a horrible position.  Few people accept that their noise, habits can irritate another.  Similar to the party you attend is great but the party the neighbours hold is antisocial. 

 

He sounds fairly disagreeable with personal habits I personally would dislike intensely.  What was your original agreement?  Who contacted whom?  You both sound very remote from each other.  It is obviously more than uncomfortable. 

 

Write a list of what needs to change for the situation to be resolved.  Another would be to speak with the Landlord - perhaps they have a solution.  Are they allowed to rent a one bed flat to 2 separate individuals without a proper wall between sitting room and kitchen?  Is your rent capped and is this the reason you both hold on to the flat?  Does the landlord own another flat you could rent?

 

 

 

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No, the guy s just a bully. Whatever the victim did to appease him would never cut it. He d just find something else to justify his shitty behaviour. 

You seem to be blaming the victim suggesting he is in some way responsible for provoking the guy.

 

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optimista are you replying to me?   No, I was looking at it from my perspective having lived for over 13 years with 4 and more people who became friends and of renting properties out.  The writer raises universally known areas of antagonistic irritation.

 

These two have lived in close proximity for 10 years!  People develop and change, become more entrenched as time goes on.  I did not address the bullying or physical attacks/assaults because there was nothing to add to others' responses.  

 

The writer wrote that she is fairly stubborn.  I think he has pent up resentment and is trying to push the writer to leave.   Both appear to have not reached agreements in the past and had an uneasy living atmosphere.  No doubt the situation is now too far gone.  He may or may not be a bully.  If he is, the writer has put up with it for 10 years. 

 

If she can, she could speak with Landlord about the situation with a view to finding another co-tenant.  She is able to review the events leading up to her letter and press charges.  However, remaining in the flat may not help her case.  I would quietly make plans to move out - and put a lock on the door - now - too.

 

 

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6 hours ago, coeurquibat said:

I really need to speak to someone professional.

 

Yep, they're called the Police.

 

I'm pretty sure their advice will be 100% more accurate that a bunch of drunken keyboard warriors on a forum.

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