Developed feelings for a friend, should I tell her?

33 posts in this topic

Hello, I am really at a loss on what to do and hope anyone here can help me with this issue.

 

I came to Germany to pursue a masters degree and finally graduated. During my studies I met her  and we developed what it seems to me a good friendship. Whenever our schedules were free we could meet up usually one on one and just spend time together talking or doing some activities around the city. I initially considered this a platonic friendship but as time passed by and by knowing more about her I started to develop romantic feelings for her. I really tried to suppress it as I will not be sure if my feelings will be reciprocated and also not being certain if I will stay in the current city I am living in as it looks like I will have to find full time work outside the current city I am in.

 

I could simply tell her how I feel but whats really making me apprehensive is maybe there is a misunderstanding in whether she only considers this as a friendship and me bringing up any romantic feelings will be somehow not welcome. During our talks and meetups it was never mentioned that it was a date and it was just simply hanging out so I considered it us hanging out. Any conversation about dating she would only mention about her ex boyfriend a few years ago but never mention about anyone she is currently dating, I also mentioned as well my about my ex but we did not delve further into our dating lives. In her circle of friends she invited me to are mostly women and one other man but he is in a relationship so its really difficult to tell apart from simply asking her if she is seeing someone else romantically but I feel that is something too personal for her to share with me.

 

I know I feel really stupid by asking this but how is it in German culture to move from being friends towards a romantic relationship. When we hangout with each other there was alot of banter and deep conversations but I was also really shy on touching her so it might be interpreted as being friendly but not flirting.  Should I just simply tell her how I feel or is there anyway to go about this?. I know its sounds stupid but I really need help on this :(

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It seems like the perfect start to me, since you are good friends.

 

The collective wisdom on here is usually about joining clubs etc to meet people with similar interests, giving the chance of finding someone who might make a great friend or possible partner.

Which you have done. Next step - honestly no idea - hopefully the collective wisdom can help you move forward.

 

It's almost Valentines - is that any use?

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I personally find open, honest, direct communication the most appealing - even in romantic relationships.

Tell me what you really think, so I don't have to make wild guesses.

 

If you wonder, whether your feelings are mutual, just ask :)

 

What's the worst that can happen?

 

She says "wow, I never knew, but hey - I like the idea"
Or she says "wow, I never knew, but right now I'd prefer to keep things as is"
or she says "OMG - I thought you'd never ask".

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1 hour ago, karin_brenig said:

She says "wow, I never knew, but hey - I like the idea"
Or she says "wow, I never knew, but right now I'd prefer to keep things as is"
or she says "OMG - I thought you'd never ask".

 

This.

 

Even though I think she would have made a move by now if she wanted to take it further. 

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1 hour ago, karin_brenig said:

What's the worst that can happen?

 

She says "wow, I never knew, but hey - I like the idea"
Or she says "wow, I never knew, but right now I'd prefer to keep things as is"
or she says "OMG - I thought you'd never ask".

 

 

The worst thing, as many a man can testify, would be this...

She says "OMG, no way! Sorry, but now our friendship is really awkward and I don't really want to spend time with you any more."

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3 minutes ago, Eric7 said:

The worst thing, as many a man can testify, would be this...She says "OMG, no way! Sorry, but now our friendship is really awkward and I don't really want to spend time with you any more."

Really?  It might be a bit awkard at first, but once things are clarified, not so.  In my experience.  I mean that in both male to female, female to male situations.  I have never cut someone off because of this.  

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6 minutes ago, Eric7 said:

 

The worst thing, as many a man can testify, would be this...

She says "OMG, no way! Sorry, but now our friendship is really awkward and I don't really want to spend time with you any more."

 

I thought the it went the other way?

We're such good friends and I value you so much as a friend, that I cannot contemplate a relationship with you.

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2 minutes ago, snowingagain said:

Really?  It might be a bit awkard at first, but once things are clarified, not so.  In my experience.  I mean that in both male to female, female to male situations.  I have never cut someone off because of this.  

 

1 minute ago, MadAxeMurderer said:

 

I thought the it went the other way?

We're such good friends and I value you so much as a friend, that I cannot contemplate a relationship with you.

 

Once a woman friend knows that your interest in her isn't platonic, it's unlikely that the relationship can continue exactly as it did before.

This is basic stuff - exceptions to the rule exist of course.

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7 minutes ago, Eric7 said:

Once a woman friend knows that your interest in her isn't platonic, it's unlikely that the relationship can continue exactly as it did before.

This is basic stuff - exceptions to the rule exist of course.

Well that has not been my experience as a woman.  

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11 minutes ago, Eric7 said:

 

 

Once a woman friend knows that your interest in her isn't platonic, it's unlikely that the relationship can continue exactly as it did before.

This is basic stuff - exceptions to the rule exist of course.

I agree.

is it possible that she knows already? Women are super intuitive. I’ve never been surprised to find out that someone was interested. And if you’re moving to another city, then I guess it wouldn’t be so bad if the friendship wasn’t the same, right? 
 

I wish you all the best!! Please let us know how things develop. We‘ll be here for you if things don’t work out and super happy for you if they do 😊🤗

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Two cases-

 

I was platonic friends with a guy when I was around 20. We did everything together. Had volleyball keg parties, Sunday brunch cook-offs, beach trips, etc. I really like him and he was so fun to be around. The problem was that he used to date my late sister. That was a no go for me. Eventually, I got a boyfriend and moved in with him. A friend of my former platonic friend told he that I had broken his heart. "Dick's in love with you.", he said. I had no idea. He never made a move on me. I still wonder what if.

 

2nd case - Platonic friends with another guy. We carpooled to work, hung out, traveled together, built an ultralight airplane together,  etc. I thought we were besties. After a few years, he told me he was in love with me. He had seen me dating other people. We had never held hands or kissed or anything. Our relationship was never the same.

 

It can go both ways.

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Okay, if you don't want to ask her directly, go the indirect route - does she have a best friend or do you both have a mutual friend that you could ask whether she is currently in a relationship?  Make clear you are interested in her. Then, when you ask her out on the next date, if she agrees, it will be a sign that she is interested too. If not, keep on good terms and move on. 

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Ive read most of your replies and it looks like ill just talk to her when we meet up again. But I can't remove this pessimistic thought pattern of her only considering me a friend, potentially moving out of my city to find full-time work and even the possibility I have to find work outside the country is what really concerns me. I was thinking of trying to first deal with getting full time work whether in my city or another city then try to see how it goes with her, it would not make sense to potentially start something then have to leave the city or country. I just still have to think through with this still :(

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Have these things really changed since I was young? What about body language? Hugging her 2 seconds longer when greeting her, keeping eye contact 2 seconds longer etc. Wouldn’t her reaction tell you whether it's a good time to talk to her?

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Might I ask, which Kulturkreis you are from?

 

Like many of us, I am from the "Anglo-Saxon"* Kulturkreis, it is not so different from the Teutonic German Kulturkreis. Like many others, I have lived in Germany for many years so may be a bit eingedutscht.

 

* quite very German, Angeln and Sachsen are both in Deutschland.

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1 hour ago, Eric7 said:

 

The worst thing, as many a man can testify, would be this...

She says "OMG, no way! Sorry, but now our friendship is really awkward and I don't really want to spend time with you any more."

This.

Only you can decide whether to make the next move or not.You need to realise though that it could make the friendship unviable if she is not interested romantically.

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