Jugendamt, rights to see daughter and my ex

5 posts in this topic

3 years ago my gorgeous daughter was born. Although it was not my original plan to have a baby with my quarrelsome ex, I soon grew to see how much of a beautiful girl she was. After being begged by ex to have a baby when we were together for 4 years I always said no because we could not get along, mainly because of her temperament. I had originally tried to live with ex in Germany. I was a Brit living in Spain who followed my heart to Germany. Although after a year realised it don’t work and went back to Spain. Right in begin of relationship I had moved to Spain after ex said she can’t do long distant relationship. Now after moving back i put my foot down you have to do long distant if you want to be together. She never told her family that she got back with me and lied to all her family about the way I broke with her etc. So after about 4 years of this argumentative relationship, with oh so many break ups, after one big break up when I was working in China she lied to me on the phone. When I found out I cancelled all pre planned Christmas flights for her and me to spend together. That was it! I ended up travelling round South East Asia and having a great time. Although later I found out in this time she had a breakdown and had to take 3 months out of work, go to special burnout mental centre. I was working as a Chief Electrician on a cruise liner and feeling bad for her I ended up inviting her on board the vessel. She could use my account, my cabin, use all facilities. I even paid her flights. She told me she was taking the pill. She also had the nerve to make unnecessary arguments on board ship. Later on with hindsight I realise probably her own guilt conscious playing out. After she left The next I hear from her on the phone is her saying she forgot to take THE PILL the one night we had sex on board and now she is preggers and wants the baby whether I like it or not, “it’s up to you to decide if you want to be part of her life” is the words she used. So when I was off ended up shipping my whole life back to Germany in a block of shared flats The buck don’t stop there, she ends up screaming her hysterical lungs out daily. The frowns and gestures neighbours gave me whenever I bumped into them on staircase was unnerving. So much so I had to tell ex if she don’t stop I had to go. At first I could not see her parents, cos she had not told them we were back together Also all her other relatives did not know, she had obviously told them lies of our split from long before. Back and forth I went pack and unpack. The screaming never stopped and I left to Uk. I was only 3 months in Germany and landed London with my mum Dec 2017. Then I had Jugendamt directly on my case. This is when it gets interesting. She had a boyfriend in between split when I worked in China. So when Jugendamt said that I should do a paternity test. Being a little uptight and Vexed I advised them to check other boyfriendS in Germany first as they are local. This letter I wrote to them they kept in file and to this day restricts my complete right to see my daughter, is this that bad considering what this woman put me through, all the lies I was told from her! The mother also threatens to show my daughter when she is older. Sick!!! It took me a long time to get myself back on track and figure out what to do and in this time I did not reply to Jugendamt. Later I had gone Germany especially to make paternity test with Jugendamt. I could not even see my daughter. Eventually I got my Officers papers for my job. It made me an Electro Technical Officer after taking a loan from the bank and going to Croatia. I ended up getting a job straight after and paying off all backdated maintenance payments. I did ask Ex how much she wants and she got that. I also pay clothing musical and helped with as much as I could. Now after 2-3 years of these payments she says that I pay what an unemployed person pays. She received child allowance also so I think her money is capped at certain amount. I also moved to Germany now just before Brexit because weren’t sure about BOJO Making a deal and there by effect on visiting frequency per year of my daughter. Although everytime I am having a meeting with Jugendamt and ex my situation is even worse than before l. Even when I call for the meeting because I can’t see my daughter for no valid reason. I took a big period off work to learn German and was ideal time to bond with daughter, ex stopped visits. Ex always knows how to wrap them around her finger. My point being is that in my being told from numerous different parties the Jugendamt are looking out for the benefit of the Child and nothing else. This is not true to my experience. I was told that email discussions I had with Jugendamt worker were in disgression later on to find out from ex’s slip of tongue That she was Blind copied in all the confidential emails. One of the last visits I had they just talked in German and I might as well have not been there. (I am learning a German but due to COVID classed stopped because lockdown.) She then says to me that I should speak more German. I don’t have a good job(offshore work) for parenting my daughter, Jugendamt also said we must go court. I got a lawyer and Jugendamt worker, denied saying any of this of course and then played a different tune. Jugendamt cannot decide that I go court. I then could not see my daughter because the ex is always busy and even though she is supposed to once every 2 weeks allow a visit ex says she is busy. Every Sunday supposed to have a video call with daughter organised originally by Jugendamt. She hasn’t done this in a month because she is also busy. I try and make allowances in my head for ex. Saying oh it’s the Corona making everyone stress levels high. Although it’s not and I have to deal  with this somehow, thinking of taking a lawyer to Jugendamt. Or just cancelling follow up meeting altogether with a Jugendamt because ex probably wants more money and knowing JA they will give her! JA are really useless and unfair and give ex a license to do what she wants!

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Suggest you see that lawyer.

Don‘t delay, do it today.

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TLDR, that looks like a shitty situation, sorry you are stuck like this. Did you have a question?

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TLDR: OP has a 3 yo. daughter with ex, not getting visitation, not getting help from jugendamt.

 

You can see here: https://www.olg-duesseldorf.nrw.de/infos/Duesseldorfer_Tabelle/Tabelle-2021/Duesseldorfer-Tabelle-2021.pdf how much you should pay.  Look for your net income per month on the left and see the amount  you have to pay under 0-5 (age of child). I don't know why she would be capped unless if she's on welfare.

 

In my opinion you shouldn't confuse things by paying for bits and bobs like music, clothing and this and that.  Just transfer money to your ex once a month, the amount you are supposed to and that's it.  Definitely get a lawyer to help you.  It sounds like you are not getting anywhere without one.

 

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