Am I missing something?

30 posts in this topic

Maybe your current wife wanted to buy a bed with you, together? Speaking from experience, buying a bed is often a catalyst for changing the layout / other furniture in the room.

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Have you considered a will yet? Maybe she is worried the daughter gets the bed and she ends up on the floor? 

I'm also looking forward to this day and the complications we never saw coming when we were young.

  

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Several years ago I was irritated that my MIL wanted to buy us a bed for Christmas.  I didn't want that--to have my husband's mother pick out the bed I would sleep in with her son.  Here are the reasons I was annoyed:

 

  • she had a long-standing habit of urging us to "improve" our home, or our clothes/appearances, or had other suggestions for our lives (nothing wild, just normal mom/MIL unsolicited advice stuff honestly but still irritating after a bit)
  • the gift was for "us", but she would have never spent the half of that on me alone, so really, it was mostly for him, but it was still going to be the bed I slept in
  • a bed is too intimate a gift to give two adults (we were in our early 30s)
  • three's a crowd while bed shopping
  • it felt like she was overstepping some boundary even I couldn't put my finger on

 

so, Rajesh, I don't know if any of my petty reasons above can shed some light on the matter but when I first read your OP I thought it sounded like your wife didn't appreciate your daughter's involvement in that matter, for whatever reason.  Perhaps if your wife sleeps in the bed with you when she is there then she thinks a third person shouldn't be buying the bed she will at some point be sharing with her husband.  The second thing I thought--when you described her reaction--is that there is a history of bad blood between your wife and daughter, my crystal ball is hinting that it could be a tension that you have been trying to ignore or not deal with for a long time?  Possible?  Her hanging up and being upset only makes sense if this is just the latest in a long string of issues; I'm not asking you to go into any detail--indeed, please don't, talk to your wife instead--but I guess, as a woman, and as a stepdaughter, and as a daughter-in-law, those were the theories I could come up with.  

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How can anyone choose a bed for someone else? I have to try 20 mattresses before I can settle on one.

 

Not saying that the OP's daughter wanted to actually choose the bed but how could your MIL actually choose one for you and your husband, dessa?

 

Baffling.

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34 minutes ago, dessa_dangerous said:

I dunno, I put the kibosh on it and asked for cast iron instead. :lol: I love my Le Creuset!

I found an extra benefit to my Le Creuset- when I tore my rotator cuff, it was great for one of the physio lifting exercises!

💪

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11 hours ago, fraufruit said:

How can anyone choose a bed for someone else? I have to try 20 mattresses before I can settle on one.

 

Not saying that the OP's daughter wanted to actually choose the bed but how could your MIL actually choose one for you and your husband, dessa?

 

Baffling.

I would have no problem anyone buying a bed for me, as you say, the mattress not so much. I'd have to at least be there.. Actually, I'd also like to choose the bed so I guess what I mean is I'd have no problem anyone paying for a bed.

 

It's hard to guess at what the issue could be between the OP's daughter and wife. In any case, hanging up and ghosting him (if only for a while) is very strange and hints at this being more than just about that bed...

 

 

 

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addendum: I remembered something else about that bed affair.  Actually, the biggest reason at the time, and which I forgot to mention, was that I didn't want her to buy us something so expensive, because I was worried about what strings would be attached to that.  I have always held her a little at arm's length because she can be quite overbearing.  Don't get me wrong, I do truly love her and she is a good person with a heart of gold, but she has a way of getting right in your business that I don't feel I have to put up with as an adult.  (I don't put up with it from my own mother and I sure as hell am not putting up with it from someone else's.  So.)

 

When someone buys you a big, fancy, expensive gift, you have to be nice to them.  Nicer to them than you were before, even, perhaps.  And if they want to come visit the gift they gave you, it's also hard to tell them no.  Even when the gift is given with the best intentions, there is still that unwritten imbalance and everyone knows it.  You do have to "pay" back a bit, if asked, because you wouldn't want to seem ungrateful.

 

OP's situation was working through my brain and it occurred to me that maybe the wife isn't that happy about having a third wheel at his house when she comes over, maybe she wishes the girl would find her own place, move out and stay moved out--all the background of that is unbeknownst to us.  But, if you get someone a bed, it will be very hard to kick them out or deny them lodging in future.  Maybe the wife is fed up that she has to share her husband with his adult children... she wouldn't be first step-parent to wish she wouldn't have to see so much of their spouse's kids.  Sad but true and very, very common.

 

Side note: the outcome of my story is that I was right, in the end.  I never heard the end of it with that cast iron pan.  I had to listen to stupid comments and jokes about my "expensive tastes" and all the things that could have been bought with it instead.  Mind, even the upper limits of what it could have cost are still a fraction of the cost of an entire new bed + mattresses.  That also proved that I was not the real recipient of the gift--splashing out bed money for the son was fine but a €100 pan for me meant I was ridiculed for literally a year and low-key accused of being greedy and extravagant.  The only reason the comments stopped is because I told my husband to tell them to stop or I was never coming over again, that's how bad it was.  (Sorry for the threadjack.)

 

In summary: I can see why anyone would hesitate to accept an expensive gift, there are plenty of pitfalls in such situations.  I think it's OK for adults to politely decline big or expensive gifts from any person other than your spouse.  Other situations can get weird fast.

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12 minutes ago, fraufruit said:

OK, dessa. I'll be sure not to send you a big, expensive Xmas gift then.

 

:D

 

I think for Dessa's comfort just don't send her big, expensive gifts that are supposed to be used in her bedroom.


I'll get my coat.;)

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