Dating Scene of Germany: Emotionally Unavailable

98 posts in this topic

6 hours ago, ooch said:

Wait for a day at the beach (sea/lake)
when the papers are boring and Shakespeare is too ...

 

When on vacation I don't read newspapers & luckily avoided Shakespeare at school.

 

It was a few years ago that I read books whilst lying by the pool on Ibiza: first  the book by Capt. Sullenberger and then Prisoners, Property and Prostitutes by Tom Ratcliffe (not his real name - turns out that I did know the guy as his brother was a class-mate of my brother at grammar school (if you follow me)).

My wife was always wondering why I kept bursting out with uncontrolled laughter whlst reading that book.

 

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1 hour ago, HEM said:

When on vacation I don't read ...

 

Well then, read it driving on the autobahn,

the cruise control on moderate 130 km/h.

In a cosy set.:lol:

 

No joke:  I'll keep Prisoners, Property and Prostitutes

in my mind

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4 hours ago, Petro6golf said:

Finding a woman

 

the OP might change his approach, but he won't change himself.  "Finding" a partner is not the same as "Keeping" a partner.

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Hard to keep her if you ain't found her first. <_< I don't think the OP lamenting the difficulty of this makes him a creep, as postulated.

 

The creme on market gets skimmed off when people are in their late teens, early twenties. There is a second coming, so-to-speak, late thirties early forties. But the choice is much reduced and comes with baggage and saggage. Thereafter it obviously does not get any easier. He missed the boat for his cohort. I guess this is why there is a market for foreign imports.

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Came across this topic, and it's somewhat close to my heart, so thought I'd weigh in a little. Don't want to direct anything too directly at OP, although I certainly do recognise his frustrations.

 

For myself, I've been in this city almost a decade and am about to leave. Meeting a wonderful partner was one of my key goals when I arrived here, and I thought the alternative/down-to-earth vibe was right up for my street. Also, the affordability, size, accessibility of the city.

 

This, sadly, did not at all work out. Now that I look back, it's pretty painful to think that if I'd found someone I might not have to leave, or at least wouldn't be making the move alone :(

 

Trying to be even about it, I can see many areas where I was responsible myself:

  • Was too keenly looking for "the one", to replace someone I'd regretted breaking up with years before. The problem there is it's better to meet "people", and let "a one" present themselves after you've got to know each other a bit
  • I let myself get involved with a few people who didn't have the same goals as me
  • When those didn't work out, I didn't stick to my guns, and got dragged into the hook-up scene, which caused me to get very jaded, which was a hole I then had to dig myself out of as well. AKA baggage.

It's not like I was living in a hole during this time! The number of people I know in this city is absurd, and it's a raw thought that I'll lose so many friends now that I'm leaving.

 

However, the "problem of Berlin" is one I've heard plenty of times, and entered into myself. So, there are a few issues in this city that I think don't help:

  • The very diversity and accessibility of the city does make committing to a relationship less attractive, and in fact unattractive to some. I think it's pretty sad that people might feel this way - a great partner should enhance your life, and not restrict you except for not wanting you to cheat on them
  • If either of the couple is into the party scene, this will not help!
  • Many people whether foreign or German do just pass through here for a few years. So why take the risk with something serious?
  • Being foreign is a tricky bind - I see lots of German men with foreign women, but not so often the other way. Ausländer couples would make sense, but you have to find someone who has compatible goals (here for a short time? hoping to stay longer term?)

Some of these issues become a feedback loop, unfortunately. Fresh-faced newcomer crashes into problematic resident. Gets issues, they rub off. Problem gets spread, cycle continues.

 

But my God what a wonderful city this is if you're lucky to have someone. There's so much to do, and such great access to mainland Europe

 

Anyway, that was a muse. The main advice I have for OP is to try somehow not to let those frustrations get to you. Don't become a jerk, stay away from hook-ups. Be the best version of yourself, and if something doesn't work out, bear in mind that you never have 100% of the story. Therefore, don't assume you weren't "good enough" - with the right person it's easy

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On 7.7.2021, 11:23:09, Petro6golf said:

Do you dress sort of well or at least take care of yourself in some fashion? You dont need to be Brad Pitt but clean clothes that match, a haircut, trimmed nails etc goes a long way.

 

Six months later I see this - to be added to that list: "clean teeth".

 

There are few things worse IMHO than someone (male or female) who has the remains of the last few meals stuck between teeth & gums - to say nothing of bad breath.

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Dental floss and a hydropulser. Definitely. Also, you can make an impression with the right smelly. Kid you not. Lover boy always smells divine. Vetiver de Fragonard. :D

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On 1/3/2022, 6:25:23, itsthejb said:

Being foreign is a tricky bind - I see lots of German men with foreign women, but not so often the other way.

Interesting, but in our local Stammtisch group it is vice versa: an Israeli man + German lady. Vice versa is rarer. Those couples emerged mostly from students who went to Munich-Berlin-Köln for Austausch. 

 

I would say, men who come from cultures with conservative treatment of women (a culture where being a single adult woman is unacceptable) have a problem with having a relationship with a woman in a western country. 

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I know of loads of British guys and some US guys who married German women and moved here. It seems to work OK. 

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46 minutes ago, black1 said:

I know of loads of British guys ... who married German women and moved here. It seems to work OK. 

 

I'm one of the above - except I first moved here & almost 2 years later met the future wife.  Has worked for 4 + 33 years so far.

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17 hours ago, HEM said:

 

I'm one of the above - except I first moved here & almost 2 years later met the future wife.  Has worked for 4 + 33 years so far.

@HEM Bloody well done.:rolleyes:

We are now on 4+17, only 16 to catch up.

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One wife, German, one almost wife, also German a smattering of, well, German Girlfriends, the last one "dear Johnned" me after Christmas and now I have had enough for the time being.

The first thing that each and every one has done was to see me as a blanc canvas for them to change and tweak and nag and try to turn me into their ideal of a man...

But as you can´t improve on what is already perfection, a relationship would never work.

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7+10 here with a German wife, working great, though the update from German girlfriend 3.0 to German wife 1.0 came with some kinks that needed to be ironed out. Pro tip: in case of major problems try to input the command ‘du hast Recht, Schatz, tut mir Leid’, it often works. Also, in the very rare instances a German wife starts crying then there’s something seriously wrong with the system - flowers and a romantic evening are absolutely necessary in that case. 

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On 1/3/2022, 5:25:23, itsthejb said:

Came across this topic, and it's somewhat close to my heart,

 

 

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