Dating Scene of Germany: Emotionally Unavailable

86 posts in this topic

1 hour ago, Pesar said:
  • People must stop loving themselves and give and seek love outside

And all the rest depends on this!

 

But don't you have to be able to love yourself before you can love others?

There are some TT members who seem to hate themselves and are complete asshats because of it. 

 

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So @Pesar I'm assuming by posting in this topic a year after your last post and 2 years after your original topic on this subject, you are still aren't in a relationship? If so, don't you think it might be about time to start listening to some of the advice people on here have tried to give you? If not, you may find yourself in the same position in 2 years time.

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Wow. Your problem seems to be that you are blaming others and looking for explanations for their lack of interest in you, instead of either:

1) understanding that not everybody is going to be interested in you (especially that way) because that's not the way the world works or;

2) figuring out why they aren't interested in you, because perhaps the problem is with you.

 

Coming back a year later and using "statistics" to dissect responses as personal attacks and again, blaming it on the other posters doesn't do anything to change that impression. I can only re-iterate what other people have said - you come across as desperate with the sole intention of finding the one and only person for you, which is a game you can never win, and which will turn people off anyway.

 

P.S. I'm a thirty and something living in Berlin and guess what - in a long term relationship.

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But they are right about the dynamic so often found on forums.  You go to complain about a problem you are having, and everyone just tells you how it's your fault.  "You are desperate because you have this problem/you have this problem because you are desperate" is bandied about a lot, and it's not always that helpful.  I really do think Berlin is a special case.  And I'm not alone in this either.  My women's networks are full of cosmopolitan single women who say that Berlin is simply the worst for dating. I've never dated in Berlin, but I do notice that people are either in relationships for decades (because they and their partner are simply built that way) OR, permanently in a series of "arrangements" at best.  Especially in some circles, the idea of being in a "couple" means you are lame and are so insecure that you need to "own" another person.  If you are really cool then everybody gets to do whatever he wants.  It's really prevalent here.  Luckily, not my problem, but it is for some and Pesar's not just imagining things.  I would rather be single for the rest of my life than try to date in this city.  I've also heard shocking things about online dating, but no clue if they apply everywhere or if it's just a Berlin thing.  Another problem I hope to never have, yeesh, online dating sounds like pure distilled hell. 

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4 hours ago, yourkeau said:

Pesar, do you have a job with a German company? 

Yes. A small company. Why?

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3 hours ago, cb6dba said:

But don't you have to be able to love yourself before you can love others?

There are some TT members who seem to hate themselves and are complete asshats because of it. 

 

 

Yes. I do love myself. Thank you 😊

 

2 hours ago, warsteiner70 said:

So @Pesar I'm assuming by posting in this topic a year after your last post and 2 years after your original topic on this subject, you are still aren't in a relationship? If so, don't you think it might be about time to start listening to some of the advice people on here have tried to give you? If not, you may find yourself in the same position in 2 years time.

 

I do listen to advice. I haven't found any yet. But I found tons of personal attacks. Also I expect best advice from people who can actually find a relationship. Not people who don't want a relationship at all.

 

1 hour ago, mystrg said:

Wow. Your problem seems to be that you are blaming others and looking for explanations for their lack of interest in you, instead of either:

1) understanding that not everybody is going to be interested in you (especially that way) because that's not the way the world works or;

2) figuring out why they aren't interested in you, because perhaps the problem is with you.

 

Coming back a year later and using "statistics" to dissect responses as personal attacks and again, blaming it on the other posters doesn't do anything to change that impression. I can only re-iterate what other people have said - you come across as desperate with the sole intention of finding the one and only person for you, which is a game you can never win, and which will turn people off anyway.

 

P.S. I'm a thirty and something living in Berlin and guess what - in a long term relationship.

Good for you. Did you find your relationship inside Berlin? Or did you come to Berlin with your relationship from before?

Also, when I see my situation case by case, there is nothing left for me to improve. When I go to a speed dating and no woman shows up, is this my problem?

When I ask my friend if they know anyone who is single and wants to be in a relationship and they say they never saw anyone like that in Berlin, is that my mistake?

When I ask singles I know men and women if they look for a relationship and all say "No. I decided to love myself and that I don't need anyone in my life". Is that my mistake? How can I change other people? It is what it is.

 

1 hour ago, dessa_dangerous said:

But they are right about the dynamic so often found on forums.  You go to complain about a problem you are having, and everyone just tells you how it's your fault.  "You are desperate because you have this problem/you have this problem because you are desperate" is bandied about a lot, and it's not always that helpful.  I really do think Berlin is a special case.  And I'm not alone in this either.  My women's networks are full of cosmopolitan single women who say that Berlin is simply the worst for dating. I've never dated in Berlin, but I do notice that people are either in relationships for decades (because they and their partner are simply built that way) OR, permanently in a series of "arrangements" at best.  Especially in some circles, the idea of being in a "couple" means you are lame and are so insecure that you need to "own" another person.  If you are really cool then everybody gets to do whatever he wants.  It's really prevalent here.  Luckily, not my problem, but it is for some and Pesar's not just imagining things.  I would rather be single for the rest of my life than try to date in this city.  I've also heard shocking things about online dating, but no clue if they apply everywhere or if it's just a Berlin thing.  Another problem I hope to never have, yeesh, online dating sounds like pure distilled hell. 

Thank you. Pretty much i agree with all you said.

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Thoughts:
boy meets girl
girl meets boy
they kinda like each other
they meet again
and again and again
at some point they might fall in love

 

that's how it works

 

blaming society,
the lack of religion,
the city,
or what ever comes in my mind
is BS
you can't force this kind of feeling

 

Dating? Sorry I'm German and do not understand this concept

 

girl meets boy
boy meets girl
they get to now each other
that's how it works.

 

A blueprint - forget it

 

I'm single - my love one died
and now after some years
I hope for this lucky moment


boy meets girl

 

don't force it
you'll only end up in a mess
and that's for sure

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18 minutes ago, ooch said:

blaming society,

the lack of religion,
the city,
or what ever comes in my mind
is BS

I think what you wrote sir, is BS! Society doesn't meet at all! Please read my first post carefully. No one wants to meet.

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52 minutes ago, Pesar said:

Society doesn't meet at all!

Well I did not write that.

And now that I have read your first post very carefully again, I regret that I answered.
But that's mea culpa.

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From my own experience and what i've seen with friends etc, Berlin is very difficult for dating. Unless you have a built in social group it can be hard to meet people.

When I was living up there the places I worked had lots of foreigners working there and they had an easier time than the germans I know.  They all had that foreign thing going for them so we were aslo a sort of social group etc.

 

It's much easier in the UK, the nightlife is just different, you bump in to people at the bar, on the way to the bar and casual conversation seems to be easier. Back in my younger UK days we even added friends to our group just because we'd seen people in the same bar we drank in. 

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the thing is that people in Berlin *are* dating, they're constantly dating.  The problem is that if they don't fall head over heels in love with someone after one date, there will be no second date.  Consider how it used to be before online dating, where you knew someone through work or other people and had been exposed to them over time and decided to make a move.  Now people are too busy fucking around on their dating apps to notice the people who are actually present and around them.  Then there's the whole thing with the algorithm of the free dating apps which apparently makes matching difficult for whatever reason.  But in Berlin, to be sure, among young people at least, there is the idea that there is an endless number of potential partners, and definitely an attitude of "not settling" for anything less than your absolute dream partner--whom you're supposed to recognize as such after a single date. :rolleyes: Nobody's giving a chance to anyone who doesn't tick off all their boxes.  They just ghost each other and then continue swiping on their apps.  Chasing this non-existent phantom of the perfect mate.  Didn't anybody ever tell these people that the "perfect mate" is made, not stumbled upon?  No one wants to compromise on a single thing anymore because they're so entitled and think that there are millions of fish in the sea.  Then they find that the app has shown them all their potential matches; they'll either have to relax some of their requirements or be single forever.  Yet that's out of the question because no one wants to "settle."

 

Yeesh.

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37 minutes ago, dessa_dangerous said:

the thing is that people in Berlin *are* dating, they're constantly dating.  The problem is that if they don't fall head over heels in love with someone after one date, there will be no second date.  Consider how it used to be before online dating, where you knew someone through work or other people and had been exposed to them over time and decided to make a move.  Now people are too busy fucking around on their dating apps to notice the people who are actually present and around them.  Then there's the whole thing with the algorithm of the free dating apps which apparently makes matching difficult for whatever reason.  But in Berlin, to be sure, among young people at least, there is the idea that there is an endless number of potential partners, and definitely an attitude of "not settling" for anything less than your absolute dream partner--whom you're supposed to recognize as such after a single date:rolleyes: Nobody's giving a chance to anyone who doesn't tick off all their boxes.  They just ghost each other and then continue swiping on their apps.  Chasing this non-existent phantom of the perfect mate.  Didn't anybody ever tell these people that the "perfect mate" is made, not stumbled upon?  No one wants to compromise on a single thing anymore because they're so entitled and think that there are millions of fish in the sea.  Then they find that the app has shown them all their potential matches; they'll either have to relax some of their requirements or be single forever.  Yet that's out of the question because no one wants to "settle."

 

Yeesh.

As my long grandma once said to me, finding some you really like isn't a problem, finding someone who really likes you isn't really a problem either.

The knack, that bit of luck, is finding someone you really like who also really likes you..

 

I can imagine the situation you describe makes luck a much bigger factor. I have not had one gf I did not know in some way before hand. There was always some kind of connection there, got to know them in bar over weeks, friends of friends, work etc. 

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13 hours ago, Pesar said:

I do listen to advice. I haven't found any yet. But I found tons of personal attacks. Also I expect best advice from people who can actually find a relationship. Not people who don't want a relationship at all.

 

 

And maybe this is the problem. If people don't see things the way you do then it's not advice they are giving but they are just attacking you personally.

 

People on here are trying to give you advice but because you don't see things the way they do, you aren't taking it as advice but purely as criticism or a personal attack. You have come on here for advice presumably because you want help to change your situation and find someone to be in a relationship with but if you don't accept that you might need to change yourself in order to change your situation then there's not a lot people can do to help you and you will continue to be in the same situation.

 

Accepting criticism is never easy and no-one likes it but you have a choice and it's not as if only one or two people on here are criticizing you and everyone else thinks you are doing the right thing and should continue the way you are. You can either at least think about the advice people have given you here or you may have to accept that you will be in the same situation in 2 years time and still searching for someone to be in a relationship with.

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16 hours ago, dessa_dangerous said:

But they are right about the dynamic so often found on forums.  You go to complain about a problem you are having, and everyone just tells you how it's your fault.  "You are desperate because you have this problem/you have this problem because you are desperate" is bandied about a lot, and it's not always that helpful.  I really do think Berlin is a special case.  And I'm not alone in this either.  My women's networks are full of cosmopolitan single women who say that Berlin is simply the worst for dating. I've never dated in Berlin, but I do notice that people are either in relationships for decades (because they and their partner are simply built that way) OR, permanently in a series of "arrangements" at best.  Especially in some circles, the idea of being in a "couple" means you are lame and are so insecure that you need to "own" another person.  If you are really cool then everybody gets to do whatever he wants.  It's really prevalent here.  Luckily, not my problem, but it is for some and Pesar's not just imagining things.  I would rather be single for the rest of my life than try to date in this city.  I've also heard shocking things about online dating, but no clue if they apply everywhere or if it's just a Berlin thing.  Another problem I hope to never have, yeesh, online dating sounds like pure distilled hell. 

 

19 hours ago, yourkeau said:

Pesar, do you have a job with a German company? 

I asked this question as I would like to know if you are familiar with German recruiting process. When you come to a job interview, you sell yourself to the prospective employer, you convince them that their expenses on your salary is worth the benefit you would bring to their company. What you don't do is to blame employers for rejections and convincing yourself that no one in Berlin actually has a job.

 

It is the same with dating. Ask yourself why would a Berlin lady like to be in a relationship with you? What benefit will it bring to her?

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18 hours ago, dessa_dangerous said:

[...]Then there's the whole thing with the algorithm of the free dating apps which apparently makes matching difficult for whatever reason. [...]

If you are on a free dating app, you don't really mean it. Looking for the love of your life, but not willing to spend a few bucks on it ? Doesn't compute.

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4 minutes ago, Marianne013 said:

If you are on a free dating app, you don't really mean it. Looking for the love of your life, but not willing to spend a few bucks on it ? Doesn't compute.

 

He says he isn't "photogenic". No sense throwing good money after bad.

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5 minutes ago, El Jeffo said:

 

He says he isn't "photogenic". No sense throwing good money after bad.

LOL. A friend of mine isn't photogenic either. He had a hair cut, a fresh shirt and then had his picture taken by a professional. It's still clear he isn't Mr Universe, but it does make a difference. (And no, he didn't just recycle a "Bewerbungsphoto", because he's aware of the difference when it comes to looking for a job or a mate ;-).

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Yes, but why go to all that trouble? It's so much easier to blame the people who apparently aren't attracted to him.

 

With that kind of attitude, he's destined to be forever alone.

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I can't wrap my mind about meeting a partner with a photo on the internet.

 

I picked up Himself in a jazz bar in Singapore.

 

Call me old fashioned.

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Saying "If you behave in XYZ way you will look desperate and people don't like that" is not an attack on your personality; it's a tip about what behaviour to avoid. Behaviour is something we learn and can change. No-one is born knowing how to behave in every situation. It's mildly embarrassing asking for tips, but you've been brave enough to ask, so it would be a waste to ignore the tips you get.

 

Saying you should try therapy is also not an attack on your personality. Even if you think that therapy is only for people with serious mental health conditions (it is not), all human beings will have some sort of mental health issues at some point in their lives, and therapy for that is nothing to be ashamed of. Therapy is also a useful way of working through more minor issues that you have. I've found it very useful in the past and I'm sure others responding have, too - probably even some of those suggesting therapy.

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