My Stupidness in Germany

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I think right now anybody coughing in public gets the stinkeye.  I had to go to the doctors the other day and there was a woman there with her kid and both were coughing non stop.  The kid looked about 11-12 and did not even bother to cover his mouth.  They were not Asian but I was definitely giving them the stinkeye.

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4 hours ago, LeonG said:

I think right now anybody coughing in public gets the stinkeye.  I had to go to the doctors the other day and there was a woman there with her kid and both were coughing non stop.  The kid looked about 11-12 and did not even bother to cover his mouth.  They were not Asian but I was definitely giving them the stinkeye.


did the mother at least bother to tell her kid to cover his mouth?

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1 hour ago, Smaug said:


did the mother at least bother to tell her kid to cover his mouth?

 

Nope, absolutely not.

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I am not Asian but did have a red face the other day when I went to the chemist to buy some painkillers (I had been bronzing my features in hot sun all morning). Covid panic had already started in our neck of the woods. The pharmacist eyed me warily, scanning my face for signs of fever, she served me as fast as possible backed up against the paracetamol pyramid behind her, flinging the packet across the counter like a Whisky in an old spaghetti Western. I proffered a 10 Euro note. She grimaced anxiously and wiggled her index finger at the counter. I put the money down obediently instead of handing it to her direct. She rushed forward, arm outstretched picking up the cash between index and thumb nails with visible disdain. Coins landed on the counter with a bounce. I picked them up very slowly maintaining eye contact with the terrified woman. We exchanged goodbyes and I turned my back. Her sigh of relief was audible. Came out as a gasp. Think she had been holding her breath the entire time. And yes, it was a weird feeling.

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Coughs:

1: eh eh.  A cough that you use in a meeting when someone mentions something which is absolutely so far away from the truth but you don't want to offend anyone, you just 'eh eh' and fake agreement.

2. Uh Uh.  when you inhale some saliva and it just ticked off a nerve ending so you have an auto response.

3. Uhhh Uhhh.  Is when you inhale a vape e cigarette and just took too long of a hit.  I think I have a buzz type cough.

4. Ahu Ahu Ahu Ack.  This is a 'I'm in a bar, drank too much, but still ok to drive, take a hit of a Marlboro'.  I see a tunnel.

5. ACCK AAAAAAAHHHHGHGGGG  AAAAAAKC, spit.  This is, dude, you need to go see a doctor.

 

I did an 'eh eh' with 100% facial features as if I was doing a ACCCCK AAAAAAHHHHGGGGgg AAAACK.

 

Many tight people here.

 

But I understand your concerns.  After all you read the text.  The true meaning is so far away but our minds immediately think, The dude Tran (I am Vietnamese and I am your friend) did a 5.  He is guilty.  I also think that mother of any parents that let their children cough without covering should be deported back to Asia.  We need a wall.  WE also need Pink Floyd to build that wall.

 

So when I moved in, I taped my name on the mail box.  Nothing for 5 days and the bank informed me that I should have had my documents, PIN and crap like that in the mail.  So I wait for the mailman.  He shows up and I show him my ID and point to my mailbox.  He does nothing and mentions something about the 49'er winning the final 4 - it's not what he said but that what I heard.  I see my mail in his bag so I reach for it.  He slaps my hand and mentions something about Polizei so I tell him, yeah, call them use my phone and hold my phone out.  Or course I'm holding my ID in my other hand and pointing at the mail with my name, my address.  HE shoves me aside and points at the mail box name plate yelling 'The pittsburg steelers offensive line sucks!' So I agree with him and back down.  He mumbles something like, 'I love the smell of Napalm in the morning and do you have a sister'.

 

I inform the landlord to update my name plate. I use Google Translate so the message I'm sure read 'the mail name is matching the mail box, not, so please correct the correct name with an incorrect name because the 49'ers are going to win the final 4'

 

Nothing happens that day so I... do what any red blooded American would do.

So I carefully print and use double sided tape and glue a piece of clear plastic from one of my food containers.  HA HA. I'm such a F'ing genius.

 

Next day I wait...

 

Mailman shows up and I could see his eyes roll.  I F'ing laugh out loud and point, 'See here is my name'.  He tears the plastic shit off and yells at me Ein Klein Nachtmusik.  Don't get pissed at me, I told you I'm ignorant and that is exactly what he said.  I tell him how he is such a wiener, such a rule follower and this would never happen in Saigon or Little Saigon.  No more sister for you.

 

Finally, I get some tools from Toom and take the name plate apart, put my name in there.

 

Next day.

He shows up.  I'm staring at him.  He puts the mail in the box and walks away.  I'm yelling at him, 'What not even a Thanks for Complying or Thanks for being German'.

 

So I stalk him.

I see him every day for the next week to just wave at him and smile.  He thinks I'm crazy, rather confirms it.  After 2 weeks, he finally smiles and I say, 'All Ist Gut'  He responds, 'JA JA'.  I yell, 'I F'ing knew you were normal'.  He responds in perfect English, 'Ja you are learning our way - we don't give a shit about your way - see you tomorrow'.  And that was it.  We always wave to each other now.  I know, I'm tearing.  NOT.

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I received a box from overseas that contained brochures, lots of them so I have to go to the Zoll to get it out of customs.

 

I show up and there is a number so I take one.  I'm 6.

Everyone in the room seems like they are awaiting death, dead stares, no movement, texting love ones 'this is it, we're sinking'.

I, like a happy American say 'Gutentag!'.  Just weird stares as if to say, WTF.  It's going to be a good day.

I get called and this lady who is .... loves döner (burrito) calls me up.  She asks me my religion and I hand her my notification.  She fills out some form on a clipboard, stamps something and puts everything away.  She tells me to sit down - I can tell, the universal sign to sit down is when they point at the chairs.  I'm not that stupid.

She then moves 2 meters to the right, my right, her left, and call 6.  The time lapse is about 47 seconds. She actually looks around - I'm sitting 3 meters directly in front of her.   I go up and she asks me what are here for and I show her the same exact notification. She checks the clipboard that she just filled out and stamped and says, 'Ahhhhhhhh, ok we have make sure that all windows are secure and that your weapons are loaded with safety on because we are entering a fire fight'.  Points and I sit down.

45 seconds later after moving to another window she calls 6.  Now, I'm looking around wondering if this is candid camera or what?  It's reality.  I go up and she waves me to follow her to the detainment room and this time an assistant shows up that can translate.  Note: She was sitting about 5 meters away the entire time but I get it, speak German or perish.  This is not America where we have to put up with 25 different languages in California because the politcal process is so fair.  So Fair.  So Fair that Trump got elect and he didn't have the popular vote.  Sorry, back to DE.

They open up the box and there are 500 brochures and they ask me the commercial value.

Me; zero, we give it away.

Them: Why give it away.

Me: I act out what we do at tradeshows, see this great stuff, this is the piece of paper that clearly proves that this software is the best on earth so buy it.  

Them: it can't be zero.    Translator gives me a hint.  what is the fair value to manufacture?

Me:  I wanted to say, why didn't you just ask that ...  '.03 Euro per x 500'

Them: Gut

I'm thinking thank god.  rather Buddha.

I sit down.

1 minute later.

Lady calls me to window 7.

Informs me I have to pay 12 euros.  There about 5 stamps, 'Kulunk, Kulunk, Kulunk...'

And thats that.

 

What is with all this estampel.

 

After this event I infromed everyone      DO NOT SEND ME ANYTHING!

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looks like he is drunk or high...

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11 minutes ago, racerken said:

I received a box from overseas that contained brochures, lots of them so I have to go to the Zoll to get it out of customs.

 

I show up and there is a number so I take one.  I'm 6.

Everyone in the room seems like they are awaiting death, dead stares, no movement, texting love ones 'this is it, we're sinking'.

I, like a happy American say 'Gutentag!'.  Just weird stares as if to say, WTF.  It's going to be a good day.

I get called and this lady who is ... loves döner (burrito) calls me up.  She asks me my religion and I hand her my notification.  She fills out some form on a clipboard, stamps something and puts everything away.  She tells me to sit down - I can tell, the universal sign to sit down is when they point at the chairs.  I'm not that stupid.

She then moves 2 meters to the right, my right, her left, and call 6.  The time lapse is about 47 seconds. She actually looks around - I'm sitting 3 meters directly in front of her.   I go up and she asks me what are here for and I show her the same exact notification. She checks the clipboard that she just filled out and stamped and says, 'Ahhhhhhhh, ok we have make sure that all windows are secure and that your weapons are loaded with safety on because we are entering a fire fight'.  Points and I sit down.

45 seconds later after moving to another window she calls 6.  Now, I'm looking around wondering if this is candid camera or what?  It's reality.  I go up and she waves me to follow her to the detainment room and this time an assistant shows up that can translate.  Note: She was sitting about 5 meters away the entire time but I get it, speak German or perish.  This is not America where we have to put up with 25 different languages in California because the politcal process is so fair.  So Fair.  So Fair that Trump got elect and he didn't have the popular vote.  Sorry, back to DE.

They open up the box and there are 500 brochures and they ask me the commercial value.

Me; zero, we give it away.

Them: Why give it away.

Me: I act out what we do at tradeshows, see this great stuff, this is the piece of paper that clearly proves that this software is the best on earth so buy it.  

Them: it can't be zero.    Translator gives me a hint.  what is the fair value to manufacture?

Me:  I wanted to say, why didn't you just ask that ...  '.03 Euro per x 500'

Them: Gut

I'm thinking thank god.  rather Buddha.

I sit down.

1 minute later.

Lady calls me to window 7.

Informs me I have to pay 12 euros.  There about 5 stamps, 'Kulunk, Kulunk, Kulunk...'

And thats that.

 

What is with all this estampel.

 

After this event I infromed everyone      DO NOT SEND ME ANYTHING!

I think you are really funny and intelligent! Keep posting!🙏🏻😂

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No need to be envious, arunadasi! You have written about your experiences in books and on here! I ( cough !!) have only achieved the latter😂)..

Let us all be wonderful and ignore misery guts everywhere!

The truth is - if toilet paper runs out, my diaries are next as an emergency solution!

😂

And they won‘t even end up in the sewerage system here! You put your toilet paper ( ie used!) in a basket thingy next to the loo! Golden rule! They don‘t do flushing-the-bog paper-in-the-loo here!

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Coughing for laughs is funny nowadays?  Sorry, but I consider that extremely aßholish.

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To All:  I am drunk when I write my thoughts and yes some things are exaggerated but it's mostly things that really happened.  When you are in an aquarium staring at walls - what do you do with your time?  Write poetry? A love letter?  Learn to paint?  Pick up on the single neighbors? (I can't because there is something in German water that causes all the wives to instantly bloat and out comes a baby so we have baby carriage parking here) We do have a single mom and a nice daughter but the mom always visits me when drunk to just complain about men and she's always staring at my knives.  Yeah, so my kinda not so sensitive side gets really sensitive and I join her in the 'Men are dicks' discussion.  Yeah, I know, German men are just so cheap.  Ja, genau.

Get this, this one boyfriend would come over to her apartment to use her laundry to burn her utilities.  He eats but doesn't replenish the food supplies.  I could go on.  Then she asks me if I have any leftovers and for me to feed her.  HA, What just happened.   I know some people that are really freaked out and are just losing it because they just don't know how to stay occupied.  

 

I choose to write stupid stuff.

 

I am 1 hour away from opening a bottle of red.  Just warning people that are upset after reading my junk.  At least I'm not posting the 100 memes I receive everyday from people that claim they are happy but I know, 1 day away from ordering a rubber companion.  See, it's starting already.  That guy on my right shoulder is saying, 'Do it man, just do it.'  The guy on the left shoulder is saying, 'You're offending people that don't agree with your viewpoint of Germany.  You should learn to respect them, after they are a strategic ally and partner.  We are visitors to their country, as such you need to learn self control'.  Self control is knowing that opening up a second bottle at midnight is not a good idea. 

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5 minutes ago, racerken said:

I am drunk when I write my thoughts

 

that bums me out.  Can you seriously not do it sober?

 

I am not offended by your stories - the style is unique as well.  But damn...I got over Bukowski decades ago.  The romance with drunk creatives is short lived.  Try it sober.

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I agree. You really do write humour well but you really should try and do it sober. I'm disappointed.

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True! Yet, on the other hand.. all those bands we loved in the 70s..ok, mostly on dope🙏🏻
 

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11 minutes ago, john g. said:

True! Yet, on the other hand.. all those bands we loved in the 70s..ok, mostly on dope🙏🏻
 

 

True, and it may be hypocritical. Yet there is a huge difference between the effects of cannabis/acid and alcohol... which was always our argument, no?
And having given up both (mostly!!!!) I still see a difference.

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Given my eyesight problems at the moment, I can’t see any difference!😂

( if I’m not careful, I might end up posting the Beatles’ Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds tonight!)

https://www.google.de/search?q=lucy+in+the+sky+with+diamonds&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8&hl=en-de&client=safari

 

PS: why wait? Done!

💋😂

PPS- my last “ joint “ was about 20 years ago in an Italian restaurant in Harburg! A local journalist passed it around at the table.

 

PPPS ( I think! ). Arunadasi / about 30 years ago, there was a terrible fire on the Underground in London at King’s Cross Station - and smoking on the Tube was immediately banned.

A couple of weeks later, I was on the Tube and a Rastafarian was smoking a spliff ( and I deliberately tried to inhale! Smelt good! ) An old lady remonstrated with him: 

 

“ excuse me, young man. Smoking is no longer allowed on the train.”

😂

Little did she REALLY know, methinks!

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Lisa and Arunadasi are beginning to sound like my wife!  It's so heartwarming.  I say this sober.

 

OK, why can't I be fun sober?

 

I'll tell you.

 

Many years ago I was with USAID United States Agency for International Disablement (development).  Out of college, a cute girl propositions me that they need engineers. So do what any good person would do and I apply.  She helped me.  HAHA.  I learn about signal processing, navigation, signal interpretation, communication infrastructure, not really what I was expecting.  Then I get a crash course in some weird language and I fail on purpose because I don't want to go to SE Asia.  I then am immersed in escape and evasion and I'm wondering, where am I going.  Everyone in the class is either a dork like me or these really interesting people that have like strange backgrounds: sociology of Asian Tribes, Culture of Asia, and people that just would not say anything.  I'm stupid so I think, I'm the only normal one here, I'm the best, yeah.  I'm also wondering why a software guy is doing all this stuff.  Oneday, we get travel papers to go to Ubon Airbase!  I'm look it up in a map at the library and go, wow, that's way out there, this ought to be fun.  I'm so stupid.  So I go to REI and buy all this gear only to show up at the airbase and discover I'm not allowed to take anything so I leave it all on the tarmac.  I'm really feeling sad and stupid because it was in the departure preparation paperwork which I didn't read.  Of course, right?  Long Flight.  We touch down in, I think Japan but we're not allowed off the plane so we're all baking in the back of a transport.  At this point, I'm not liking this at all and I should be partying in SF.  Next destination is the base.

 

This is like I didn't know that this was a Thai base - again, following me?  I'm stupid.  We shuttled into trucks and placed in some barracks that were probably built in the 60's or at least it smelled that way.  Shower, meal call - Thai Food and it was really delicious!!!!  I'm thinking, I made the right choice, this is going to be fun.  That feeling lasted until nightfall when someone reminded us all to check the toilets before doing the business because of bugs, snakes, spiders, you name it.  I'm like, yeah whatever, idiot.  So when it's my turn to do my stuff, I turn on the lights in the bathroom and I swear, not a joke, The floor is covered with ants and things and little snakes and temple of doom.  I don't scream because, Well, I'm a dude.  I see a spigot next to the door so I just spray everything down the drain, I had so much fun I ended up laughing out loud. Centipedes!  I forgot to mention.  Note to self:  this is not like camping in Yosemite.  Days go by.  On a truck again and this time with a bunch of Marines (where did they come from, dunno to this day). If you don't know Marines, they are basically the AFD with a sense of humor and lots of firepower.  I get called a gook, a sapper, you name it.  I just call em by Chuck, Bubba, Sheriff, Marshal, Joe, whatever to keep the humor going.  I told one guy, 'If I'm a gook so are you because we share the same mother'.  That didn't go over so well but after getting my ass kicked they accepted me.  Every Marine then discovered that I could help them to write love letters home so I DID.  It was fun and I learned alot about 'that group' of people that thought it was great to join the US Fucking Marine Corp to create dead bodies all over the world.  So by the time we get up to where we are the senior guy in USAID who looks like a Washington type, tells us why we're here.  It's not to help the people build a bridge a sewage plant but to assist in identifying communities in need.  I know, don't tell me... Ummmmm why did I study all that radio, navigation, escape shit.  (I'm on wine 1 now) I play along like a good asian because you know we know how to fix shit, get it done, work complete, Screw all you trump people (he's white).  Day one:  A camp is established and I work side by side with the Marines and they ask my why I know this shit.  I respond, I was a boy scout.  That joke led to my nickname, Boyscout.  Anyway, now they share their booze with me - Black Jack, Black Jack Black Jack - it's Jack Daniels, they called it black jack.  Next day.  the Cooking sucks. so I volunteer to cook.  Now my nickname is Hopsing.  That said, once I start cooking southern style, they are making requests on how to cook grits, ham, bacon, you name it.  Somehow, they had it.  Marines have everything.  Now I'm starting to respect these ignorant idiots.  They know how to survive.

 

Mission 1:  setup outposts and listening posts.  We're up in the golden triangle somewhere.  GEt it?

This means we hike to some hill top, setup a camo hut and setup communications and signal interrogation systems.

This takes 3 days.

Outposts are basically established to protect the Listening post so if something happens like a cow wandering by, the Marines have steak that night.  I'm not kidding, this happened.

Another night we have an alert that there are saps (bad guys) closing in.  I ask the marine next to me to share his NVG's. 1st generation at the time so I see like green skulls coming at us.  I really want to be in SF now!

I don't know how fired first but the next thing that happens is a full on display of what these marines can do with their rifles.  They annihilate the approaching force but they keep coming, hoards of them until the last drops.  I couldn't see but I can hear everyone calling out clear clear clear.  I was fucking awake the entire night just listening to my heart beat and really trying to see in the dark.  I end up passing out.  In the morning, Bubba wakes me and tells me to join them because there is no force left behind.  They go to survey the body count as I'm told.  Shock!  They were monkeys or gorillas or whatever.  All maimed.  It was the second saddest day of my life.  That smell.  I'll never forget it.  So we do what we all do.  Go back and drink.  That we did.  Even the Marines were sad.  Note to self: They don't like minorities but they do like primates, horses, dogs, fat girls in daisy dukes and pickup trucks. 

 

Mission 2: Monitor the radios.  I do this well and in about 20 minutes I have a signal, I triangulate, map.  I am so good.  A patrol goes and I'm wondering, 'don't we bring, food, a medic or a instrastructure engineer?'  No Hopsing, just follow.  OoooohhhhKayyyy Chuck.  (if you're German, in the US military, white people are called chuck.'  I'm so proud because I can keep up with the Marines on a hump.  The only difference is my equipment is only 20 pounds and personal gear.  They have HAHAHA 50 pound packs, fire power and ammo.  We get to the location and it's a farm.  They remain under cover and I say out loud, 'shouldn't we go to the farmers house and say hi, we're americans to save your sorry life'.  Chuck punches me to shut up and the next time I speak, he'll shoot me personally.  I mean jeez, someone is constipated.  They basically order me to pin point the coordinates of the outline of the farm.  I do it in an instant because I'm a fucking genius.  Remember, Asians get the job done.  Then the guy gets on his radio.  crack, this is team xxxxxx on yyyyyy, requesting a delivery... xxxxxx  yyyyyyy zzzzz.  About 1 hour later there is a shock wave from a plane and then the field is on fire, I mean vaporized.

Then they discose to me that I'm part of the Drug Eradication Program and that my program office knows all about it.  Look it up.  WE just wiped out an opium field plus a farm house and I know people were in there because I saw smoke coming out of the chimney and a satellite dish.  I can paint a picture of the field and house to this day.  This went on for 6 weeks and then I just ran away or rather placed under arrest.  Next story, how I got busted for doing the human thing.  

 

Hence, I think everything in the world is funny.  Life is funny and some people are serious, good for you.  You have no idea how nice it is to be alive - enjoy your lives.

 

 

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Final note.  I am much older than you young ones and I have many stupid F'ing stories because I lived a full life of just chaos.  Now it's a conservative calm but I still remember those dark days.  I just can't fathom what happened and why I let it happen but that's life.  Live it! That's my message.

 

remind me of the story when I met up with these 'other Marines' in the jungles of Thailand.  The ending is, 'I woke up in a bed of cow manure'.

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