Jokes

[grazzenger 12]

Hamish and Dougal are sitting in the pub discussing Hamish's forthcoming

wedding.

 

"Ach, it's all going grand," says Hamish. "I've got everything organised

already: the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the

minister, even ma stag night."

 

Dougal nods approvingly.

 

"Heavens, I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Hamish.

 

"A kilt?" exclaims Dougal. "That's braw, you'll look pure smart in that.

And what's the tartan?"

 

"Och," says Hamish, "I imagine she'll be in white."

[Yorkie 1]

I apologise if you have seen this before, but for those non pedants amongst you, please enjoy.

for the pedants, get a life, you sad "Father Unknowns"!

 

Mildred, 93, was despondent over the recent death of her husband

Earl, so she decided to just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking it would be best to get it over with quickly; she took out

Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in

the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place. Not wanting

to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone,

she called her doctor's office to learn her heart's exact location.

 

"Since you're a woman," the doctor said, "your heart is just below

your left breast. Why do you ask?" She hung up without answering.

 

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a

gunshot wound to her knee.

[HollyGolightly 22]

Tax Laws for 2007

 

The only thing IRS has not yet taxed is the PENIS.

 

This is due to the fact that 70% of the time it is hanging around

unemployed, 13% of the time it is pissed off, 12% of the time it is hard up, and

5% of the time it's in the hole.

 

It has two dependents, but they're nuts.

 

Issues still under consideration are as follows: Are there penalties for

early withdrawal? Do multiple partners count as a corporation? Are condoms

deductible as work clothes?

 

Effective January 1, 2006, penises will be taxed according to size. The

brackets are as follows:

10"- 12" Luxury Tax

8" - 9" Pole Tax

6" - 7" Privilege Tax 4" - 5" Nuisance Tax

 

Note: Males exceeding 12" must file under capital gains. Anyone under 4"

is eligible for a refund.

 

PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION!!

[Satman 5]

Heard this good one today!

:lol:

[randy 141]

Dear Friend,

 

Good day to you. I may have to trouble your sense of personal achievement and reward for an opportunity properly taken advantage of.

 

I am Mr. Michael Ramsey, a representative and an attorney to the late Mr. Kenneth Lay, the former chairman & CEO, Enron Corp. Industry: Energy & Natural Resources Home, was previously in jail and facing trial on charges of corruption and embezzlement of funds while in Power, before his untimely departure of his mortal coil in July of 2006 (God Bless).He deposited TWENTY ONE MILLION U.S DOLLARS ($21,000,000.00) with me when he was in power as the chairman.

 

I am contacting you because I want you to deal with the Finance house and claim the money on my behalf since I have declared that the Funds belong to my foreign business partner. You shall also be required to assist me in investment in your country. I hope to trust you as a God fearing person who will not sit on this money when you claim it, rather assist me properly, shared in these percentages, 60% to me and 40% to you. When I receive your positive response I will let you Know where the Finance houses his and the document's to lay claims to the funds, which is very important. What I need is for you to indicate your interest that you will assist us by receiving the money on my behalf in Europe.For this, you shall be considered to be the

beneficiary to the funds.

 

The project in brief,is that the funds with which we intend to carry out our proposed investments in your country, is presently in the custody of a bank in Europe. I do not want the government of my Country to know about the money because they will believe I got the money from the sales of Enron stock when he was the Chairman of Enron & C.E.O.Once I have your details in full,the finance house will contact you for Release of the funds to your account As soon as payment is effected, and the amount mentioned above is successfully transferred into your account, I intend to use my own share in acquiring some estates abroad. For this too you shall also be the overseas manager of all our properties and you will be paid based on a certain percentage agreed on by both parties.

 

I guarantee you that this will be executed under a legitimate arrangement that will protect yoa from any breach of the law. Please get in touch with me urgently by E-mail:ssw1012005@computermail.net

 

I am presently in LONDON.

Please, provide me the following:

1. Your Full Name

2. Your Telephone Number and Fax Number

3. Your Contact Address

 

Best Regards,

Michael Ramsey.

[space 235]

CONGRATULATION !!! YOU HAVE WON

 

126 KONINGSTABELSTRAAT,345HS

AMSTERDAM,NETHERLAND.

WROM: TTZRCLBDXRQBGJSNBOHMKHJYFMYXOEAIJ

INTERNATIONAL PROMOTION/PRIZE AWARD DEPT,

SCFN: GWK/5333/025648/03UAD.

BATCH: 241/2002/BLL.

Attention: Winner,

The CONTENT NOKIA INTERNATIONAL LOTTERY/PROMOTIONS Netherland,is

pleased

to inform you that your company/individual name

attached to the ticket numbers 1001-58255563-2285 with serial number

8888/03 drew from the lucky numbers02-22-00-66-99-85-52-12-36-50,

which consequently won the lottery in the FIRST category. You

havetherefore been approved for a lump sum pay out of FOUR HUNDRED

THOUSAND EUROs (400,000.00 EUROE) in cash credited to security file

number GWK/4578/789834/746YU.This is from a total cash

prize of 19 million EUROE share among ten individuals and Six

international companies lucky winners in this category.

CONGRATULATIONS.

Your funds is now deposited with our Payment/Finance Department in the

security company to your name ,Due to the mix up of

some numbers and names, we ask that you keep this winning a top secret

from the public notice until your claims has been

processed and remitted to your account as this is a part of the

security

protocol, to avoid double claiming or unwarranted

taking advantage of this program by participants.

All participants were selected through a computer ballot system drawn

from the 100,000 company/individual email addresses

from all over the world as part of our international promotions

program,

which we conduct every decade. We hope with a part

of your winnings, you will take part in our next end of year stake 20

million euro international lottery.

TO begin your claims, please contact your claim agent in (Lottery

payment centre),

Dr.williams davis (Director of operations).

TEL.+31-648511303

Email (financialsecbv@netscape.net)

For processing and remittance of your cash to a designated account of

your choice.Remember, all winnings must be claimed

not later than 5th august 2006, After this date, All unclaimed funds

will

be returned to the promotion company.

NOTE: In order to avoid unnecessary delays and complications, please

remember to quote your security credited file number

and batch numbers and also with your telephone and fax numbers

respectively in every correspondence with your claim agent.

Furthermore,should there be any change of your address, do inform your

claim agent as soon as possible.

Congratulations once again from all members of our staff and thank you

for being part of our promotions program and publication.

Yours sincerely,

MRS.jenet.

(Promotion Manager).

[Kat 59]

A battle weary American soldier boarded a crowded train in in London during the early days of post-WWII, only to discover he was unable to find a place to sit. As he walked the length of the train, he noticed a small white dog curled up on one of the seats. A large, well dressed woman sat in the seat next to the dog. The man hovered near the seat, hoping the woman would take the hint, but she pointedly ignored him.

 

"Excuse me, Ma'am," the soldier finally spoke, "Is this your dog? Would you mind holding it on your lap so that I may sit down?"

 

The woman raised her icy gaze to the young man and said in a haughty British accent, "oh! You Americans. You are so rude.

Fluffy is in that seat, and i see no reason why she should give up her comfort for you."

 

The exhausted soldier nodded, picked up the small dog ... leaned over ... opened the window of the moving train and tossed the dog out. The woman gaped and spluttered in horrified indignation, and the man sitting across from her lowered his newspaper.

 

"You Americans", he said, "You drive on the wrong side of the road ... you eat with the wrong fork ... and you just threw the wrong bitch out the window."

[Peck 115]

A SAN FRANCISCO MAN BECOMES FIRST AMERICAN TO GRASP SIGNIFICANCE OF IRONY

 

Jay Fullmer, 38, yesterday became the first American to get to grips with the concept of irony.

 

"It was weird" Fullmer said. "I was in London and like, talking to this guy and it was raining and he pulled a face and said, "Great weather eh?" and I thought - "Wait a minute, no way is it great weather".

 

Fullmer then realised that the other man's 'mistake' was in fact deliberate.

 

Fullmer, who is 39 next month and married with two children, aged 8 and 3, plans to use irony himself in future.

 

"I'm, like, using it all the time" he said. "Last weekend I was grilling steaks, and I burned them, and I said "Hey, great weather.

[space 235]

I was in Tenglemans buying a large bag of dog food for my Labrador Retriever and was in line to check out.

 

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting

The dog food diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with dog food nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a fat guy behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned and was that why I was in the hospital.

I said no...I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought the fat guy was going to have to be carried out the door.

[Guest]

Best joke ever!

 

Listen to this:

 

Question: 'Can I design a new running shoe for Arabs and name them"Flag Stompers"?'

Answer: 'Better yet, put Muhhamed on the sole of the shoe!'

[Mike Fish 10]

A little girl turns to her mother and says, "Mummy,

Billy next door has a willy just like a peanut."

"Do you mean its really tiny?" replies her mother.

"No", the girl answers, "I mean its really salty."

 

A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder.

The barman says "That's a nice newt. What's his name?"

The man says "Tiny". The barman says "Why do you call

him Tiny?". "Because", he replies, "he's my newt."

 

Q: What's green and eats nuts?

A: Syphilis.

[Xpet 24]

So space, how's the diet working for you this time?

[HollyGolightly 22]

I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for my Labrador Retriever

and was in line to check out.

 

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog(???).

 

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again,

although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital the

last time but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive

care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both

arms.

 

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that

it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply

eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is

nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

 

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now

enthralled with my story.

 

Horrifie! d, she asked if I'd been poisoned by the dog food and was that

how I ended up in the hospital.

 

I told her no; I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt and a car

hit me.

 

(ooops this one is only a couple posts above)

[Uncle Nick 6,245]

Two eskimos feeling chilly in their canoe on the icy waters so one lights a fire. As the hole in the bottom of the canoe leaks water and they begin to sink one turns to the other and says 'well I guess that justs goes to prove that you can't have your kayak and heat it'

[MommyinDE 0]

Why did Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella in the rain?

 

Fo Drizzle

[RB-Tee 4]

The Ages of Woman:

 

1. Between the ages of 13 and 18, she is like Africa...

virgin and unexplored.

2. Between the ages of 19 and 35, she is like Asia...

hot and exotic.

3. Between the ages of 36 and 45, she is like America...

fully explored, breathtakingly beautiful, and free with her resources.

4. Between the ages of 46 and 56 she is like Europe...

exhausted but still has points of interest.

5. After 56 she is like Australia...

everybody knows it's down there but who gives a damn?

 

The Ages of Man:

 

1. Between 16 and 26: Tri-weekly

2. Between 27 and 46: Try weekly

3. Over 47: Try weakly

[andrea 19]

BBC News is saying that 5 thousand troops have entered Jordan.

 

Early reports say she's a bit tired and her fanny's sore but otherwise she's quite happy.

[RB-Tee 4]

[RB-Tee 4]

[RB-Tee 4]

 

Hmmm, could be a bit tooo S.A.