Jokes

[Yeti 276]

And the winner of this weeks "Revoking the independence of the USA" award goes to ...

[RB-Tee 4]

Again!!! For F@*k sake man!!

[fletch 2]

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE!

 

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?

 

Juan on Juan

 

What is a Yankee?

 

The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

 

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?

The position of the dirt bag

 

Why is divorce so expensive?

Because it's worth it.

 

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?

Doughnuts?

 

Why is air a lot like sex?

Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any

 

What do you call a smart blonde?

A golden retriever.

 

What do attorneys use for birth control?

Their personalities.

 

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?

45 lbs

 

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?

45 minutes

 

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?

Through his chest with a sharp knife.

 

Why do men want to marry virgins?

They can't stand criticism.

 

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?

Because those men already have boyfriends.

 

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?

After a year, the dog is still excited to see you

 

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

 

Why don't bunnies make noise whe n they have sex?

Because they have cotton balls.

 

What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?

A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

 

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?

"Are you sure it's mine?"

 

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?

Mace will do that to you.

 

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to Arkansas ?

Everyone has the same DNA.

 

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

Breasts don't have eyes.

 

What's the difference between a new girlfriend and a new dog?

After 2 weeks, you still call the dog.

 

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?

He walks around saying "Yo."

 

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?

Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

 

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?

A different bar.

 

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?

They named him "Sum Ting Wong

 

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?

A speech impediment.

 

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?

They're hiring.

 

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?

A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".

 

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?

Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

 

Why is there no Disneyland in China ?

No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

 

AND...LAST BUT NOT LEAST

 

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?

A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit.

[dimmer 3]

There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market.

 

A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy

told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man

replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head.

The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter.

 

The boy walked into the back room and said, "There's some jerk

out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce." As he

was finishing saying this he turned around to find the man

standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman wants

to buy the other half...

 

The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way. Later

the manager called on the boy and said, "You almost got yourself

in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with

the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and

we like that around here. Where are you from son?" The boy

replied, "Canada sir." "Oh really? Why did you leave Canada?"

asked the manager. The boy replied, "They're all just whores and

hockey players up there."

 

"Really," replied the manager, "My wife is from Canada!!" The boy

replied, "No kidding! What team did she play for?

[randy 141]

An oldie...

 

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the US auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black box voice recorders in four-wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

 

They were surprised to find in 44 of the 50 states the recorded last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, SHIT!" Only the states of Oklahoma, Tennessee, Arkansas, Alabama and Texas were different. There, 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer and watch this."

[randy 141]

Hans Grapje was raised in a Catholic school in The Hague and, as a young man, aspired to become a priest, but was drafted into the Army during WWII and spent two years co-piloting B17s until his aircraft was shot down in 1943 and he lost his left arm. Captain Grapje spent the rest of the war as a chaplain, giving spiritual aid to soldiers, both Allied and enemy.

 

After the war, he became a priest, serving as a missionary in Africa, piloting his own plane (in spite of his handicap) to villages across the continent. In 1997, Father Grapje was serving in Zimbabwe when an explosion in a silver mine caused a cave-in. Archbishop Grapje went down into the mine to administer last rights to those too severely injured to move. Another shaft collapsed, and he was buried for three days, suffering multiple injuries, including the loss of his right eye. The high silver content in the mine's air gave him purpura, a life-long condition characterized by purplish skin blotches.

 

Although Cardinal Grapje devoted his life to the service of God as a scholar, mentor, and holy man, church leaders agree: he will never ascend to the Papacy. No one wants a one-eyed, one-armed, flying purple Papal leader.

[randy 141]

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names with small American flags mounted on either side of it.

 

The seven year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the Pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex."

 

"Good morning, Pastor," the boy replied, still focused on the plaque. Then he asked, "Pastor, what is this?"

 

The pastor said, "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."

 

Soberly they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear, asked:

 

"Which service: the 9:45 or the 11:15?"

[Guest]

What I did on my summer holiday

By Theo Walcott Esq aged 8 1/2

 

I went to a place called Germany with my Uncle Sven and some other grown ups. It is a country in Europe where a bad man called Adolf used to live with his nazties, he does not live there anymore, Uncle Owen does live there, and the grown ups say I can't talk about the bad man as it will make Uncle Owen cry if I do. In Germany there are lots of castles and some mountains. We are staying in a place called Baden Baden, that's a silly name. Uncle Frank has the same name as his dad, that's silly too, his mum must get their underpants mixed up all the time.

 

On the aeroplane Uncle Sol sat next to me, he got me some toffee and wants to be my friend, he works at the place where I do my YTS, so does Uncle Freddy but him and Uncle Sol are not best friends anymore.

 

Uncle Owen met us at the airport, he talks foreign, Uncle Wayne, Uncle Steven and Uncle David also talk funny, my mum says Uncle David talks like Orville, he is a duck, Uncle Sol says Uncle David wears dresses and knickers, and asked me if I had ever worn them. Uncle Sol got me some pop.

 

In Germany the grown ups are going to play football, my grandad says we beat them in the olden days before my mum was born. That is a long time ago.

 

While the grown ups went to play football so I went shopping with Auntie Vicky and some other girls. She bought me a big ice cream and got herself a little one but she said she was full before she had eaten any and threw it away. She bought lots of shoes and handbags and let me play with Brooklyn. She says she used to be in a pop band and sang me one of her songs, I think she was telling fibs.

 

I told Uncle Sol about my day out with Vicky and he sulked, then he bought me an even bigger ice cream with lots of hundreds & thousands on it.

 

All the other grown ups have a girlfriend except Uncle Sol so he plays with me while they go out. Uncle Sven says I must keep Uncle Sol happy, that's why I got taken on holiday.

 

The grown ups went to play football against somebody called Sweden, Uncle Sol was crying as Uncle Freddy played for them and would not talk to him. Uncle Sol bought me lots of toffee today and some crisps. Uncle Sven is from Sweden and I heard him on the phone to their boss last night. Uncle Michael hurt his knee and had to go home to his mum for a plaster. Uncle Peter is a giant, a proper giant like you see in books, he is rubbish at football though.

 

Uncle Wayne had a sore toe at the start of our holiday but it got better so they let him play football. Uncle Sol got me a present but I do not like it. He says all Germans wear leather underpants and I should while we are here, they are too tight for me.

 

All the grown ups started to call Uncle Wayne a potato head who stood on somebodys spuds. He got shouted at by the referee. They are all saying that we have to go home now. Uncle Sol was crying again and I had to sit on his knee to make him stop. He had his mobile phone in his pocket, I think.

[Saz 3]

--- Breaking news ---

Sophie Ellis Bextor was found headbutted to death in a French football player's hotel room.

The police are keeping an open mind, but think it was murder on Zidane's floor.

 

badumtish...

[bluedave 2,499]

Little Johnny was watching TV in his room one night & decided to go &

ask his mum & dad about something he'd just heard.

He goes downstairs & asks them

"What's Love Juice?"

Dad is horrified & after looking at mum who's also gob smacked

proceeds to give little Johnny the dreaded explanation.

Johnny sits there with his mouth wide open in amazement.

Dad finishes the talk & asks "So what is it you've been watching that

you shouldn't be?"

 

Johnny replies

.

.

.

.

.

"Wimbledon."

[AquaticMeringue 269]

REST OF THE WORLD VERSION:

 

The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building and improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

 

The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

 

Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed. The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

 

THE END

 

THE BRITISH VERSION:

 

The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.

 

A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press conference and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like the grasshopper, are cold and starving. The BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper; with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his comfortable warm home with a table laden with food.

 

The British press inform people that they should be ashamed that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so while others have plenty. The Labour Party, Greenpeace, Animal Rights and The Grasshopper Council of GB demonstrate in front of the squirrel's house.

 

The BBC, interrupting a cultural festival special from Notting Hill with breaking news, broadcasts a multi cultural choir singing "We Shall Overcome". Ken Livingstone rants in an interview with Trevor McDonald that the squirrel has gotten rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the squirrel to make him pay his "fair share" and increases the charge for squirrels to enter inner London.

 

In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The squirrels's taxes are reassessed. He is taken to court and fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as builders for the work he was doing on his home and an additional fine for contempt when he told the court the grasshopper did not want to work. The grasshopper is provided with a council house, financial aid to furnish it and an account with a local taxi firm to ensure he can be socially mobile. The squirrels food is siezed and re distributed to the more needy members of society, in this case the grasshopper.

 

Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize and start building a new home. The local authority takes over his old home and utilises it as a temporary home for asylum seeking cats who had hijacked a plane to get to Britain as they had to share their country of origin with mice. On arrival they tried to blow up the airport because of Britains apparent love of dogs. The cats had been arrested for the international offence of hijacking and attempt bombing but were immediately released because the police fed them pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody. Initial moves to then return them to their own country were abandoned because it was feared they would face death by the mice. The cats devise and start a scam to obtain money from peoples credit cards.

 

A Panorama special shows the grasshopper finishing up the last of the squirrels's food, though Spring is still months away, while the council house he is in, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain the house. He is shown to be taking drugs.

 

Inadequate government funding is blamed for the grasshoppers drug 'illness'. The cats seek recompense in the British courts for their treatment since arrival in UK. The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a burglary to get money for his drugs habit. He is imprisoned but released immediately because he has been in custody for a few weeks. He is placed in the care ofthe probation service to monitor and supervise him. Within a few weeks he has killed a guinea pig in a botched robbery. A commission of enquiry, that will eventually cost £10,000,000 and state the obvious, is set up. Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme for grasshoppers and legal aid for lawyers representing asylum seekers is increased. The asylum seeking cats are praised by the government for enriching Britain's multicultural diversity and dogs are criticised by the government for failing to befriend the cats.

 

The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose. The usual sections of the press blame it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity and his traumatic experience of prison. They call for the resignation of a minister. The cats are paid a million pounds each because their rights were infringed when the government failed to inform them there were mice in the United Kingdom.

 

The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking, the bombing, the burglaries and robberies have to pay an additional percentage on their credit cards to cover losses, their taxes are increased to pay for law and order and they are told that they will have to work beyond 65 because of a shortfall in government funds.

 

THE END

[der inselaffe 0]

I LOVE that one

[bucket06 54]

Out on her royal yacht the queen was enjoying the sea air when she spied a man in the water off the port bow - clearly being menaced by a very large shark.

 

Through her binoculars she could see it was Christian Ronaldo, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 20 foot shark! The queen ordered the captain to change course to try and save the poor man, but she knew the yachts top speed would never get them there in time.

 

At that exact moment a speedboat containing three men wearing white tops sped into view. One of the men took aim at the shark and fired a harpoon into its ribs, immobilising it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled Ronaldo from the water and, using long clubs, beat the shark to death.

 

They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious Ronaldo into the speedboat along with the dead shark and prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic calling . It was the Queen calling them to the yacht.

 

On reaching the yacht, the Queen went into raptures about the rescue and said, "I'll give

you a knighthood for your brave actions. I thought the England team would hate Ronaldo after the world cup. But I see that the England Team are true heroes and should serve as a model for sportsmanship to other countries." She knighted them and sailed away.

 

As she departed Rooney asked the others, "Who was that?!"

 

"That," Beckham answered, "was our Queen. She rules the Commonwealth and knows everything about our country."

 

"Well," Rooney replied, "she knows F all about shark fishing. How's the bait holding up?"

[Yeti 276]

To prevent the above joke going the way of that independence rescinding fiasco please feel free to use the following template

 

Out on her royal yacht the <figurehead> was enjoying the sea air when she spied a man in the water off the port bow - clearly being menaced by a very large shark.

 

Through her binoculars she could see it was <random figure of ridicule>, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 20 foot shark! The <figurehead> ordered the captain to change course to try and save the poor man, but she knew the yachts top speed would never get them there in time.

 

At that exact moment a speedboat containing three men wearing white tops sped into view. One of the men took aim at the shark and fired a harpoon into its ribs, immobilising it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled <random figure of ridicule> from the water and, using long clubs, beat the shark to death.

 

They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious <random figure of ridicule> into the speedboat along with the dead shark and prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic calling . It was the <figurehead> calling them to the yacht.

 

On reaching the yacht, the <figurehead> went into raptures about the rescue and said, "I'll give

you a <dodgy gong> for your brave actions. I thought the <national grouping> team would hate <random figure of ridicule> after the world cup. But I see that the <national grouping> are true heroes and should serve as a model for sportsmanship to other countries." She <suspect hand movement> them and sailed away.

 

As she departed <random protagonist 1> asked the others, "Who was that?!"

 

"That," <random protagonist 2> answered, "was our <figurehead>. She rules the <random organisation> and knows everything about our <random geographical area, imaginary or real>"

 

"Well," <random protagonist 1> replied, "she knows F all about shark fishing. How's the bait holding up?"

[bucket06 54]

@yeti - Spoilsport. Find me the template for this one then.

 

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.

 

The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision.

Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous. Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.

 

You are in Florida, Miami to be specific. There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical proportions.

 

You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water.Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury. Suddenly you see a man floundering in the water. He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris.

 

You move closer, somehow the man looks familiar. You suddenly realise who it is.

 

It's Cristiano Ronaldo!

 

At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to pull him under.

 

You have two options, you can save the life of Cristiano Ronaldo or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the football world's most exiting player's.

 

So here's the question, and please give an honest answer:

 

Would you select high contrast colour film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?

[Yeti 276]

Like all really important questions the answer is 17.25.

[byrdbrain 1]

it's noon, you are sitting on the beach at Carmel, California, when you see a lawyer drowning in the Pacific. Do you read the paper or have lunch?

[zeotype 1]

One evening, after attending the theater, two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when they observed a rather well dressed and attractive young lady walking ahead of them. One of them turned to the other and remarked, "I'd give $250.00 to spend the night with that woman."

 

Much to their surprise, the young lady overheard the remark, turned around, and replied, "I'll take you up on that offer."

 

She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after bidding his companion good night, the man accompanied the young lady to her apartment.

 

The following morning the man presented her with $125.00 as he prepared to leave. She demanded the rest of the money, stating "If you don't give me the other $125.00, I'll sue you for it."

 

He laughed, saying "I'd like to see you get it on these grounds."

 

Within a few days, he was surprised when he received a summons ordering his presence in court as a defendant in a lawsuit. He hurried to his lawyer and explained the details of the case.

 

His lawyer said "She can't possibly get a judgment against you on such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her case will be presented."

 

After the usual preliminaries, the lady's lawyer addressed the court as follows: "Your honor, my client, this lady, is the owner of a piece of property, a garden spot, surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time for the sum of $250.00. The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for the purposes for which it was rented, but upon evacuating the premises, he paid only $125.00, one-half of the amount agreed upon. The rent was not excessive, since it is restricted property, and we ask judgment be granted against the defendant to assure payment of the balance."

 

The defendant's lawyer was impressed and amused by the way his opponent had presented the case. His defense, therefore was somewhat different from the way he originally planned to present it. "Your honor," he said, "my client agrees that the lady has a fine piece of property, that he did rent such property for a time, and a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction. However, my client found a well on the property around which he placed his own stones, sunk a shaft, and erected a pump, all labor performed personally by him. We claim these improvements to the property were sufficient to offset the unpaid amount, and that the plaintiff was adequately compensated for the rental of said property. We, therefore, ask that judgment not be granted."

 

The young lady's lawyer answered thus "Your honor, my client agrees that the defendant did find a well on her property. However, had the defendant not known that the well existed, he would never have rented the property. Also, upon evacuating the premises, the defendant removed the stones, pulled out the shaft, and took the pump with him. In doing so, he not only dragged the equipment through the shrubbery, but left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making the property much less desirable to others. We, therefore, ask that judgment be granted."

 

Judge's decision: "Pay the $125.00 or have the equipment detached and provided to the plaintiff for damages."

[zeotype 1]

The two guys, Jack and Bill, have decided to try to persuade their wives to have a bit of partner swapping for the night.

 

The guys have agreed that if they can pull off the wife swap, when they sit around the breakfast table the following morning, they will tap their teaspoon on the side of their coffee mug the number of times that they did it with each other's wives. Clever enough!

 

After several drinks that night they succeed! Jack knows it's that time of the month for his wife and the thought of Bill not knowing this makes him smile.

 

The next morning they are all at the breakfast table, slightly hangover and quite uncomfortable, when Jack proudly taps his teaspoon 3 times against his coffee mug.

 

After a brief moment of thinking, Bill takes his teaspoon and taps it once on the strawberry jam and 3 times on the peanut butter.

[zeotype 1]

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

 

"What's this, honey?" the husband enquired as he entered the room.

 

"Oh, its just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."

 

No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.

 

Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

 

"Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."