Jokes

[Bell the cat 430]

Three Little Pigs

 

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and

took their drink order.

 

"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.

 

"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy.

 

"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.

 

The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for

dinner.

 

"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.

 

"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy.

 

I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.

 

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter aproached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

 

"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.

 

"I want a root beer float," said the second piggy.

 

"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," exclaimed the third little piggy.

 

"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the third little piggy, "but why have you only ordered beer all evening?"

 

You're gonna LOVE me for this...

 

The third piggy says -

 

"Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!'"

[Keydeck 9,248]

In an interview about his failed marriage, Sir Paul McCartney was asked if he would ever go down on one knee again...

 

In response he said, "I'd prefer it if you called her Heather."

[Number 10 1]

Once upon a time there were two brothers. One brother was very mischievous, always getting into trouble. The other brother, however, was very good. He was always kind to animals, helped elderly neighbours, and led an exemplary life.

As time went on, the brothers stayed in touch but were never close. The evil brother became a heavy drinker and a womaniser. The other brother was a devoted husband and father and supported many charities.

One day the evil brother died.

Then, after a few years, the good brother passed away. He went to heaven and was rewarded with a happy afterlife.

One day he went to God and asked, "Where is my brother? He died before me, but I have not seen him here in heaven." God replied, "As you know, your brother led an evil life, so he is not spending eternity here in heaven. He has been sent elsewhere." "I'm sorry to hear that", the good brother replied. "But I do miss him and wish I could see him again." "You can see him if you wish", God said. "I will give you the power to gaze into hell."

So the power was granted and the good brother gazed into hell. Before long he saw his brother sitting on a bench. In one arm he held a keg of beer, and in the other he cradled a gorgeous young blonde. The good brother turned to God and said, "I can't believe what I'm seeing. I have found my brother, and he has a keg of beer in one arm and a beautiful woman in the other. Surely, hell cannot be that bad." God explained. "Things are not always as they seem. The keg has a hole in it. The blonde doesn't."

[Guest]

check this out:

 

 

[Keydeck 9,248]

 

check this out:

 

Shakira Imitation

Very good.

 

 

Baby I was born that far away so,

I speak English as a se-cond language,

I don't understand the words I say,

There's no word that rymes with language,

Lucky that I have a smoken' body,

Cause I only sing in jibberish,

Lucky that I am uh such a hottie,

Watch my hips go quiverish,

 

Good news for you, I'm double jointed, too

 

Whatever, Don't Matter,

I can sing about pancake batter,

I will shake my derier,

And you won't go nowhere,

Bend over, Come Under,

Come enjoy my thighs of thunder,

I'll just toss my hips and hair,

And you won't go nowhere,

 

Lucky, that my hips arn't only droopy,

When I shake them they move mountains,

Lucky that these breasts are proud and perky,

And my lips are full and poutin',

 

Bebabebabababa, Bebabebabababa,

Time to crawl into the mud,

 

Whatever, Don't Matter,

You wouldn't listen if I were fatter,

That I got a spicy rear,

So you won't go nowhere,

Peek under, turn over,

I make no sense if you are sober,

So I clash my hips and hair,

And you won't go nowhere.

[PeterC 215]

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the President his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in an accident"

 

OH NO! The President exclaims. That's terrible!

 

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the president sits, head in hands. Finally, the President looks up and asks... “How many is a Brazillion?

[byrdbrain 1]

Two old ladies are sitting on a porch in Florida.

One says, "Do you still have sexual desires?"

The other answers, "Well, yes, I do."

Asks the first, "Whadda you do then?"

Says the second, "I just suck a life saver."

"Oh" After a slight pause the first one asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"

(Non-US may not get this one.)

[Rizzo 16]

For those who aren't rugby fans, the "Super 14" are the top rugby clubs in the Southern Hemisphere, who's players aren't renowned for their intelligence !!!

 

· "Nobody in Rugby should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." -Jono Gibbs - Chiefs

 

· "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." -Rodney So'oialo- Hurricanes

 

· "You guys line up alphabetically by height." and "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle." -Colin Cooper - Hurricanes head coach

 

· Chris Masoe (Hurricanes) on whether he had visited the Pyramids during his visit to Egypt: "I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."

 

· "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is." - Colin Cooper on Paul Tito

 

· John Senio (Auckland), on Night Rugby vs Day Games "It's basically the same, just darker."

 

· David Nosafora (Auckland) talking about Troy Flavell "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you. Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'David, I don't know and I don't care.'

 

· David Holwell (Hurricanes) when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to reach for 150 or 200 points this season, whichever comes first."

 

· "Andy Ellis - the 21 year old, who turned 22 a few weeks ago"(Murray Mexted)

 

· "Colin has done a bit of mental arithmetic with a calculator." (Ma Nonu)

 

· "He scored that try after only 22 seconds - totally against the run of play." (Murray Mexted)

 

· "We actually got the winning try three minutes from the end but then they scored." (Phil Waugh Warratah)

 

· "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." (Jerry Collins)

 

· "That kick was absolutely unique, except for the one before it which was identical." (Tony Brown)

 

· "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father." (Tana Umaga)

 

· "Sure there have been injuries and deaths in rugby - but none of them serious." (Doc Mayhew)

 

· "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again." (Anton Oliver)

 

· "I would not say he (Rico Gear) is the best left winger in the Super 14, but there are none better." (Murray Mexted)

 

· "I never comment on referees and I'm not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat." (Ewan McKenzie)

 

· Murray Deaker: "Have you ever thought of writing your autobiography?" Tana Umaga: "On what ?"

 

· "Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw." (Murray Mexted)

 

· "Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer."(Murray Mexted)

[walkerj 0]

My mother sent me this one. Go to google, enter "asshole" (sorry about the expletive), and click "I'm feeling lucky". It's a bit over the top, but in the right general direction.

[zeotype 1]

Q: What is the difference between men and puppies?

A: Puppies grow up.

 

 

Q: Why do men always have a stupid look on their faces?

A: Because they are...

 

 

Q: What do men have in common with ceramic tiles?

A: Fix them properly once and you can walk all over them forever.

 

 

Q: If you drop a man and a brick out of a plane, which one would

hit the ground first?

A: Who cares???...

 

 

Q: What did God say after he created man?

A: I can do better than this! And then he created woman!!!.

 

 

Q: What's the difference between an intelligent man & a UFO ?

A: I don't know, I've never seen either.

 

 

Q: What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?

A: i) no mind ii) no business

 

Q: Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years?

A:! Because even back then men wouldn't ask for directions .

 

Q: What is the difference between men and pigs?

A: Pigs don't turn into men when they drink...

 

Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

A: The same urge that makes dogs chase vehicles they have no

intention of driving.

 

Q: What do you do with a man who thinks he's God's gift?

A: Exchange him!!

 

Q: Why do men like smart women?

A: Opposites attract.

[OhFFS 3]

An Italian lad goes to confession...

 

"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I was with a loose woman."

 

"Is that you Pietro?" the Priest asked.

 

"Yes Father, it is me."

 

"And who was the woman you were with?"

 

"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

 

"Well Pietro, I will find out her name sooner or later. Was it Tina Minetti?"

 

"I'm sorry, I can't say."

 

"Was it Teresa Volpe?"

 

"Please Father, I would rather not say."

 

"Was it Nena Capelli?"

 

"Father. Please forgive me, but I cannot say."

 

"Was it Katharina Piriano?"

 

"My lips are sealed."

 

"Was it Rosa di Angello?"

 

"Please Father, I cannot say."

 

"You are very close lipped Pietro. You are not allowed to come to Mass for four months, now leave!"

 

Pietro returned to his seat and his friend whispered "What did you get?"

 

"Four months off and five good tips."

[randy 141]

THE HUSBAND STORE

 

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City.

A woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the

entrance is a description of how the store operates.

 

You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the

attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular

floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down

except to exit the building!

 

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

 

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

 

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good

looking. Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and

help with the housework. "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly

stand it!"

 

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help

with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

 

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign

reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on

this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible

to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store !

 

THE WIFE STORE

 

A new wives store opened across the street.

The first floor has women that love sex.

The second floor has women that love sex and have money.

The third through sixth floors have never been visited.

[Chrissy 0]

Jürgen Klinsmann, Joachim "Jogi" Loew and Lothar Matthäus arrive at an airport and are later asked for their passports.

 

The officer asks Klinsmann:"Where are you from?"

Klinsmann says:"I'm from Germany". Ok you can pass.

 

Loew is asked the same question:"Where are you from?"

Loew answers:"I'm from Germany too."

 

Matthäus is the next one. The officer repeats his question.

Lothar replys instantly:"I'm from Germany three!"

[Kza 49]

One DJ says to the other. "You want to go see a film on Tuesday?" to which the other replies "I don't know. Who's the projectionist?"

[Wee Mun 25]

Frank Lampard's long range shooting ability

[Guest]

And while we're on footie jokes:

 

Michael Owen walks into a night club in Germany and sees a stunning leggy blonde beauty on the dance floor.

 

He approaches her and says, "Get your coat, your coming back to my hotel with me tonight."

 

She looks at him and replies, "Goodness, You're a little forward!"

 

- - - - -

 

The Scotland manager phones Sven to find out how to improve his training methods.

 

"Dustbins" says Sven, "Position dustbins around the training pitch and get your players to pass the ball between them, dribble round them, chip the ball over them, it'll improve all round ball control".

 

The next day Sven's phone rings, it's the Scottish manager, "Hi, The dustbin's are winning 3-1. What do I do now?"

 

- - - - -

 

Beckham gets home late from training to find Posh with a face like a bulldog chewing a wasp. “Where the hell have you been?

[HollyGolightly 22]

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the

difference between potentially and realistically?"

The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if

she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your

sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars and then

ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.

Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad

Pitt for a million dollars?"

The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money

to fix up the house and send you kids to a great university!"

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad

Pitt for a million dollars?"

The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him

in a heartbeat, are you nuts?!?!?!"

The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad

Pitt for a million dollars?"

"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks

would buy?"

The boy pondered the answers for a few days, then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between

potentially and realistically?"

The boy replied, "Yes... potentially, you and I are sitting on three

million dollars... but realistically,...

we're living with two sluts and a queer."

[RB-Tee 4]

A Free State "Boer" walks into his local bar and to his surprise

finds

a little Japanese man sitting in his regular chair.

"Kleingat, you sommer sitting op my stoel" he angrily shouts.

Before he knows it, the Jap is up and knocks the farmer flying.

After the farmer recovers he asks: "What the blerry hell was that?"

 

"Zat martial art from my country Japan" replies the Jap and strolls

off

in a stroppy way.

 

The following day the farmer finds the Jap in "His" seat again.

The farmer goes: "You is alweer sitting op my stoel" and again the Jap

knocks the farmer out with some nifty Kung Fu.

On regaining consciousness the farmer asks: "What the blerry hell was

that?"

 

"Zat Karate from my country Japan" and as stroppy as ever ambles off.

 

Now the farmer is dik die moer in...

The next day the farmer finds the Jap sitting in "His" chair again!

"So, you is alweer sitting op my stoel. Vat So" and he knocks the

daylights out of the Jap with one blow.

The little Jap comes around after some time and asks the farmer what

was that?

 

The farmer replies: "That, my china was a bliksemse Isuzu 2.8 litre

turbo diesel bakkie se wheelspanner...also from your country Japan "

[MadAxeMurderer 6,322]

Mr. Jones gets a call from the hospital. They tell him his wife's been in a terrible car accident. He rushes to the hospital, runs into the ER and says his wife's been in an accident. They tell him Dr. Smith is handling the case. They page the doctor. He comes out to the waiting room to see a terribly upset Mr. Jones.

 

"Mr. Jones?" the doctor asks. "Yes sir, what's happened? How is my wife?" The doctor sits next to him and says, "Not good news. Your wife's accident resulted in two fractures of her spine."

 

"Oh my God" says Mr. Jones, "what will be her prognosis?" Dr. Smith says "Well, Mr. Jones, her vital signs are stable. However, her spine is inoperable. She'll have no motor skills or capability. This means you will have to feed her." Mr. Jones begins to sob. "And you'll have to turn her in her bed every two hours to prevent pneumonia."

 

Mr. Jones begins to wail and cry loudly. "Then, of course," the doctor continued, "you'll have to diaper her as she'll have no control over her bladder and of course these diapers must be changed at least five times a day." Mr. Jones begins to shake as he cries, sobs, wails.

 

The doctor continues: "And you'll have to clean up her feces on a regular basis as she'll have no control over her sphincters. Her bowel will engorge whenever and quite often I'm afraid. Of course you must clean her immediately to avoid accumulation of the putrid effluent she'll be emitting regularly."

 

Now Mr. Jones is convulsing sobbing uncontrollably and beginning to wither off the bench into a sobbing pitiful mass. Just then Dr. Smith reaches out his hand and pats Mr. Jones on the shoulder. "Hey, I'm just fucking with you, she's dead."

[far-lands 11]

A few days before the World Cup. little fritz comes home from a shopping trip and shows his brother what he has bought:

Hey Hans, look what I hvae just bought. An England T-Shirt.

His brother looks at him all angry and shoves him away.

He decides to go and show his mother that is working in the kitchen.

Hi mum, look what I got today: An England T-Shirt.

His Mother looks at him all angry and shoves him away saying: How could you ??

So he decides to go and tell his father, that is reading the paper in the living-room.

Hi dad, look what I got today: An England T-Shirt.

His Father looks at him all angry and also shoves him away saying: How dare you show up here with that T-Shirt ??

Fritz is mighty pissed off at the situation and replies: look, the WC hasn't even started yet, and I hate the germans already !!!