Jokes

[Raffles 53]

It is just before Scotland v Brazil at the next World Cup Group game.

 

Ronaldino goes into the Brazilian changing room to find all his teammates looking a bit glum.

 

"What's up?" he asks.

 

"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game.

We know it's important but it's only Scotland. They're sh*te and we can't be bothered".

 

Ronaldino looks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat these by myself, you lads go down the pub."

 

So Ronaldino goes out to play Scotland by himself and the rest of the Brazilian team go off for a few jars.

 

After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads

"Brazil 1 - Scotland 0 (Ronaldino 10minutes)". He is beating Scotland all by himself!

 

Anyway, a few more pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on". They put the teletext on.

 

"Result from the Stadium "Brazil 1 (Ronaldino 10 minutes) - Scotland 1 (Angus 89 minutes)".

 

They can't believe it, he has single handedly got a draw against Scotland!!

 

They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate Ronaldino. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands.

 

He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down."

 

"Don't be daft, you got a draw against Scotland, all by yourself. And they only scored at the very, very end!"

 

"No, No, I have, I've let you down... I got sent off after 12 minutes"

[Wee Mun 25]

the old ones are the best eh fannyballs

[Guest]

They're all wondering why I'm cryin' with laughter here. Cheers Raffles. :D

[RB-Tee 4]

[Number 10 1]

Some of the finest double entendres on British TV & Radio

 

Michael Burke on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."

 

Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

 

Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

 

Jack Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on World Superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now."

 

Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This Morning: "She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last night."

 

'Winning Post's' Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees."

 

Ross King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond: "Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."

 

Cricketer Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off."

 

Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."

 

James Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: "What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"

 

Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."

 

The new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough Scott's breath away... "My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent erection."

 

Willie Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions."

 

Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."

 

A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

 

US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ... Oh my god!!! What have I just said?!!!"

 

Metro Radio - "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

 

Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew."

 

Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."

 

New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."

 

Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"

[OhFFS 3]

(Translated from the German)

 

I was sitting in my car at the traffic lights this morning and was surpised by a man knocking on my window. I lowered the window and he said "Have you heard? The entire Dutch football team has been kidnapped and held for ransom! If 20 million Euros aren't paid by tonight, the whole team will be doused in petrol and set alight. So I'm having a collection. Will you contribute?"

 

"How much have you collected already?" I asked him.

 

"Oh," he says, "about 5 litres."

[leky 173]

40 degrees - Californians shiver uncontrollably.

People in Scotland sunbathe.

 

35 degrees - Italian cars won't start.

People in Scotland drive with the windows down.

 

20 degrees - Floridians wear coats, gloves, and wool hats.

People in Scotland throw on a T-shirt.

 

15 degrees - Californians begin to evacuate the state.

People in Scotland go swimming in the sea.

 

0 degrees - New York landlords turn the heat on.

People in Scotland have a last barby before it gets cold.

 

-10 degrees - People in Miami are extinct.

People in Scotland lick flagpoles.

 

-20 degrees - Californians all now live in Mexico.

People in Scotland throw on a light jacket.

 

-80 degrees - Polar bears begin to evacuate the Artic.

Scottish Boy Scouts postpone winter survival exercise until it gets

cold enough.

 

-100 degrees - Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.

People in Scotland wear a vest and pull down their ear flaps.

 

-173 degrees - Ethyl alcohol freezes.

People in Scotland are angry 'cos they can't thaw their whisky kegs.

 

-297 degrees - Microbial life starts to grind to a halt.

Scottish cows complain of farmers with cold hands.

 

-460 degrees - ALL atomic motion stops.

People in Scotland start saying " A bit hill billy ... eh? "

 

-500 degrees - Hell freezes over.

Scottish people support England in the World Cup.

[Expat Mat 16]

With the World Cup in mind let's take a look at some classic Keeganisms...

 

In some ways, cramp is worse than having a broken leg.

 

The 33 or 34-year-olds will be 36 or 37 by the time the next World Cup comes around, if they're not careful.

 

There'll be no siestas in Madrid tonight.

 

The tide is very much in our court now.

 

The substitute is about to come on - he's a player who was left out of the starting line-up today.

 

Hungary is very similar to Bulgaria. I know they're different countries...

 

Argentina won't be at Euro 2000 because they're from South America.

 

Goalkeepers aren't born today until they're in their late twenties or thirties.

 

I know what is around the corner - I just don't know where the corner is.

 

But the onus is on us to perform and we must control the bandwagon.

 

Despite his white boots, he has real pace...

 

I came to Nantes two years ago and it's much the same today, except that it's completely different.

 

There are two schools of thought on the way the rest of this half is going to develop; everybody's got their own opinion...

 

It's like a toaster, the ref's shirt pocket. Every time there's a tackle, up pops a yellow card.

 

...using his strength. And that is his strength, his strength.

 

Gary always weighed up his options, especially when he had no choice.

 

The referee was vertically 15 yards away.

 

I'd love to be a mole on the wall in the Liverpool dressing room at half time.

 

The England fans are the best in The World and the Scotland fans are second to none.

[Expat Mat 16]

A few years ago an American magazine ran a competetion for alternative computer error messages in the form of Haiku.

 

http://archive.salon.com/21st/chal/1998/02/10chal2.html

 

These were some of the best:

 

 

A file that big?

It might be very useful.

But now it is gone.

 

The Web site you seek

Cannot be located

But endless others exist

 

Chaos reigns within.

Reflect, repent and reboot.

Order shall return.

 

Aborted effort:

Close all that you have.

You ask far too much.

 

Possible copyright infringement removed by admin. See guidelines.

[Number 10 1]

She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and I'd have to quit.

Then I caught her spending £65.00 on make-up.

So I asked her...how come I had to give up stuff and not her.

She said she needed the make-up to look pretty for me.

I told her that was what the beer was for.

 

I don't think she's coming back. ... :(

[bluedave 2,499]

Oldie but A Goodie

 

A German family head out one Saturday to do some shopping.

While in the sports shop the son picks up an England football shirt and says to his sister, "I've decided to be an England supporter and I would like this for my birthday."

His big sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him round the head and says, "Go talk to your mother."

So off goes the little lad with the white and red football shirt in hand and finds his mother.

"Mum?"

"Yes son?"

"I've decided I'm going to be an England supporter and I would like this shirt for my birthday".

The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him around the head twice and says, "Go talk to your father."

Off he goes with the football shirt in hand and finds his father.

"Dad?"

"Yes son?"

"I've decided I'm going to be an England supporter and I would like this shirt for my birthday."

The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son around the head 4 times and says:

"No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!"

About half an hour later they're all back in the car and heading towards home.

The father turns to his son and says;

"Son, I hope you've learned something today?"

The son says,

"Yes dad I have."

"Good son, what is it?"

The son replies,

"I've only been an England supporter for an hour and already I hate you German Bastards!"

[RB-Tee 4]

APPLICATION FOR A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS

 

Name of Boyfriend/Fiancé/Husband:

 

I request permission for a leave of absence from the highest authority in my life for the following

period:

 

Date:__ /__ /__ Time of departure: __ : __ Time of return(NOT to exceed!!): __ : __

 

Should permission be granted, I do solemnly swear to only visit the locations stated below, at the

stated times. I agree to refrain from hitting on or flirting with other women. I shall not even speak

to another female, except as expressly permitted in writing below. I will not turn off my mobile

after two pints, nor shall I consume above the allowed volume of alcohol without first phoning for

a taxi AND calling you for a verbal waiver of said alcohol allowance. I understand that even if

permission is granted to go out, my girlfriend/fiancé/wife retains the right to be pissed off with me

the following week for no valid reason whatsoever.

 

Amount of alcohol allowed (units). Beer + Wine + Liquor = Total:

 

Locations to be visited:

 

Females with whom conversation is permitted:

 

IMPORTANT – STRIPPER CLAUSE: Not withstanding the female contact permitted above,

I promise to refrain from coming within one hundred (100) feet of a stripper or exotic

dancer. Violation of this Stripper Clause shall be grounds for immediate termination of

the relationship.

I acknowledge my position in life. I know who wears the trousers in our relationship, and I agree

it’s not me. I promise to abide by your rules & regulations. I understand that this is going to cost

me a fortune in chocolates & flowers. You reserve the right to obtain and use my credit cards

whenever you wish to do so. I hereby promise to take you on an unlimited shopping spree,

should I not return home by the approved time. On my way home, I will not pick a fight with any

stranger, nor shall I conduct in depth discussions with the said entity. Upon my return home, I

promise not to urinate anywhere other than in the toilet. In addition, I will refrain from waking you

up, breathing my vile breath in your face, and attempting to breed like a (drunken) rabbit.

I declare that to the best of my knowledge (of which I have none compared to my BETTER half),

the above information is correct.

 

Signed - Boyfriend/Fiancé/Husband:

 

Request is:

APPROVED

DENIED

 

This decision is not negotiable. If approved, cut permission slip below and carry at all times.

……………………………………………………………………

[RB-Tee 4]

[RB-Tee 4]

[RB-Tee 4]

A little something for the South African's...

 

[RB-Tee 4]

Coloured Logic

An old man lived alone in Cape Town. He wanted to spade his potato

garden,

but it was very hard work. His only son, Clemence, who used to help

him,

was in Polsmoor Prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and

described his predicament. "Dear Clemence, I am feeling pretty bad

because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this

year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you

were here, all my troubles would be

over. I know you would dig the plot for me. Love, Papa"

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

"Dear Papa, For heaven's sake, Papa, don't dig up that garden, that's

where I Buried the BODIES. Love, Clemence" At 4 A.M. the next morning,

the Scorpion Unit, NIA agents and local police showed up and dug up

the

entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man

and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his

son.

"Dear Papa, Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I

could

do under the circumstances.

Love Clemence."

[RB-Tee 4]

Another little something for the South Africans...

 

 

The devil goes to Cape Town, meets Gatiep and asks: "Do you know who I am?"

Gatiep replies: " Nei man. Djy's nie vannie Kaap nie, give me a hint."

The devil says : "I'm the prince of darkness."

Gatiep exclaims: "Ooh, djy's 'n bigshot by Eskom!"

[Raffles 53]

An elderly man was asked how he and his wife had had such a happy 45 year long marriage.

He replied, " Well, we go out twice a week for a romantic candle-lit meal in an expensive restaurant, and do some really smoochy dancing. Then we leave in our car and find a secluded country lane and have a passionate sexual session, that's what keeps the marrige alive and exciting."

"I go out on Tuesday night, the wife goes out on Thursday night." !!!

 

Raffles.

[eurovol 126]

 

US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ... Oh my god!!! What have I just said?!!!"

http://www.snopes.com/radiotv/tv/kissballs.asp

 

 

As for Arnold Palmer himself, comedian Jay Leno asked him about the legend in 1994, a few years after taking over as permanent host of the Tonight Show following Carson's retirement in 1992, and Palmer indicated to him that the story was based on nothing more than a joke deliberately told by Carson:

Leno: ... apparently Johnny said, "Is there anything your wife does to bring you good luck?"

 

Palmer: No, Johnny said, "Does your wife kiss your balls before you go to play?" and I said, "I don't even go to bed without pajamas."

 

Leno: I thought that was a tactful way ... but thanks for getting right to the point. So we cleared that up. That's like a famous one, like Jack Benny's, "Your money or your life ... I'm thinking it over." I wanted to find out ... so it is true?

 

Palmer: There you've got it. And I don't want to hear about it any more.

[Bell the cat 430]

2 Deaf guys go into a bar in Manchester and one of them goes up to the bar.

 

Deaf guy: Can I haaaaaave twoooooo piiiiiiiiiints?

Barman: that'll be 6 pounds

Deaf guy: 6 pouuuuuuuuuunds? That's blooooooooody expeeeeeeensive

Barman: We've a band in tonight

Deaf guy says, "is it rrrooooooooock and rooooooooooooollll musssiiic?"

Bartender replies, "no'

Deaf guy Says, "is it disssccccoooooooooo musssssiiiccc?"

Batender replies, "no"

Deaf guy asks, "then what muuussiiic is it?"

Bartender replies, "country western"

Deaf guy walks up to his mate and says, "Guess hooooooowww much theeeese were"

Mate says, 'Don't knooooooowwwww"

Deaf guy says, "6 poooooounds"

Mate says, '6 poooooooounds?!!!"

Deaf guy says, "Yer, they've a baaaaand in"

Mate asks, " is it rooockkkk and rolllll mussiiicc?"

Deaf guy Replies, "nah"

Mate Asks, "is it diiisccooo music?"

Deaf guy replies, "nah"

Mate asks, "then what kind of baaaaaaaaaaand is it?"

Deaf guy replies, " some Cunts from Preston."