Jokes

[Guest]

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/48203

 

this made me laugh.

[Number 10 1]

THE BEST COMEBACK LINE EVER!

 

Marine Corp's General Reinwald was interviewed on the radio the other day and you have to read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you've got to gotta love this! It is a portion of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children? GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL REINWALD: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

 

The radio went silent and the interview ended. You gotta love the Marines!

[BadDoggie 1,576]

 

THE BEST COMEBACK LINE EVER!

No, mostest boringest repost of a crappy urban legend which has been around for about a decade. The Freepers got hold of a Welsh joke which hadn't even been correctly translated from German, reworked it and put it up on their site as fact, not surprising for a group that follows the Goebbels Propaganda Manual exactly.

 

woof.

[Crawlie 294]

Very funny Number 10. Like it. Don't worry about BD. He had his humour gene removed at birth and it was replaced by a gene that causes severe anality... ;)

[dragon 2]

First Pictures of Trapped Tasmanian Miners

 

[brokenm 37]

Who took the photos?

[grazzenger 12]

When George Bush met The Queen, he said: "As I'm the President, I'm thinking of changing how the country is referred to, and I'm thinking that it should be a Kingdom."

 

The Queen replies "I'm sorry Mr. Bush, but to be a Kingdom, you have to have a King in charge - and you're not a King."

 

George Bush thought a while and then said: "How about a Principality then?"

 

To which the Queen replied "Again, to be a Principality you have to be a

Prince - and you're not a Prince, Mr. Bush".

 

Bush thought long and hard and came up with "How about an Empire then?"

 

The Queen, getting a little annoyed by now, replied "Sorry again Mr.

Bush, but to be an Empire you must have an Emperor in charge and you are not an Emperor."

 

Before George Bush could utter another word, the Queen said: "I think

you're doing quite nicely as a Country."

[Allershausen 6,414]

A woman sitting in an Adelaide restaurant suddenly began to cough.

 

After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress, and two locals, Kenzie and Brian sitting at the next table turned to look at

her.

 

"Kin ya swaller?" asked Kenzie

 

The woman signalled 'No!' desperately shaking her head.

 

"Kin ya breathe?" asked Brian. The woman shook her head 'No!!!'

 

With that, Kenzie walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress, yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down the crack of her bum.

 

This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again.

 

Kenzie swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer.

 

Brian said in admiration "Ya know Kenzie, I'd heard of that bloody Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but that's the first time I ever seen somebody do it."

[HollyGolightly 22]

On his trip to Great Britain, George Bush had a

meeting with Queen Elizabeth. He asked her, "How

does one manage to run a country so smoothly?"

"That`s easy," she replied, "You surround yourself

with intelligent ministers and advisors."

 

"But how can I tell whether they are intelligent or

not?" he inquired.

 

"You ask them a riddle," she replied, and with that

she pressed a button and said, "Would you please

send Tony Blair in." When Blair arrived, the Queen

said, "I have a riddle for you to answer for me.

Your parents had a child and it was not your sister

and it was not your brother. Who was this child ?"

 

Blair replied, "That`s easy. The child was me."

 

"Very good," said the Queen, "You may go, now."

 

So President Bush went back to Washington and called

in his chief of staff, Karl Rove. He said to him,

"I have a riddle for you, and the answer is very

important. Your parents had a child and it was not

your sister and it was not your brother. Who was

this child?" Rove replied, "Yes, it is clearly very

important that we determine the answer, as no child

must be left behind. Can I deliberate on this for a

while?"

 

"Yes,"said Bush, "I'll give you four hours to come

up with the answer."

 

So Rove went and called a meeting of the White House

Staff, and asked them the riddle. But after much

discussion and many suggestions, none of them had a

satisfactory answer. So he was quite upset, not

knowing what he would tell the President. As Rove

was walking back to the Oval Office, he saw former

Secretary of State Colin Powell approaching him. So

he said,

 

"Mr. Secretary, can you answer this riddle for me?

Your parents had a child and it was not your sister

and it was not your brother. Who was the child?"

"That's easy,"said Powell, "The child was me."

"Oh thank you," said Rove, "You may just have saved

me my job!"

 

So Rove went in to the Oval Office and said to

President Bush,

 

"I think I know the answer to your riddle. The

child was Colin Powell!"

 

"No, you idiot!" shouted Bush,

 

"The child was Tony Blair!"

[zeotype 1]

Dear Wife,

 

1. From 9 June to 9 July 2006, you should read the sports section of the newspaper so that you are aware of what is going on regarding the World Cup, and that way you will be able to join in the conversations. If you fail to do this, then you will be looked at in a bad way, or you will be totally ignored. DO NOT complain about not receiving any attention.

 

2. During the World Cup, the television is mine, at all times, without any exceptions. If you even take a glimpse of the remote control, you will lose it (your eye).

 

3. If you have to pass by in front of the TV during a game, I don't mind, as long as you do it crawling on the floor and without distracting me.

 

4. During the games I will be blind, deaf and mute, unless I require a refill of my drink or something to eat. You are out of your mind if you expect me to listen to you, open the door, answer the telephone.

 

5. It would be a good idea for you to keep at least 2 six packs in the fridge at all times, as well as plenty of things to nibble on, and please do not make any funny faces to my friends when they come over to watch the games. In return, you will be allowed to use the TV in the afternoon, unless they replay a good game that I missed.

 

6. Please, please, please!! If you see me upset because one of my teams is losing, DO NOT say "get over it, its only a game", or "don't worry, they'll win next time". If you say these things, you will only make me angrier and I will love you less. Remember, you will never ever know more about football than me and your so called "words of encouragement" will only lead to a divorce.

 

7. You are welcome to sit with me to watch one game and you can talk to me during halftime but only when the commercials are on, and only if the halftime score is pleasing me. In addition, please note I am saying "one" game; hence do not use the World Cup as a nice cheesy excuse to "spend time together".

 

8. The replays of the goals are very important. I don't care if I have seen them or I haven't seen them, I want to see them again. Many times.

 

9. Tell your friends NOT to have any babies, or any other child related parties or gatherings that requires my attendance because:

 

(i) I will not go,

 

(ii) I will not go, and

 

(iii) I will not go.

 

10. But, if a friend of mine invites us to his house on a Sunday to watch a game, we will be there in a flash.

 

11. The daily World Cup highlights show on TV every night is just as important as the games themselves. Do not even think about saying "but you have already seen this...why don't you change the channel to something we can all watch?" because, the reply will be,

 

"Refer to Rule #2 of this list".

 

12. And finally, please save your expressions such as "Thank God the World Cup is only every 4 years". I am immune to these words, because after this comes the Champions League, Italian League, Spanish League, Premier League, FA Cup, etc.

 

Thank you for your cooperation.

[Yeti 276]

Thank you for your originality.

 

Random post

[Wee Mun 25]

:D

 

[kev 3]

A South African gold miner was one of a unfortunate duo who were working on a seam when the roof collapsed.

 

Sadly, one of them had his leg severed just below the knee in the incident.

 

As his mate tied off the tourniquet, he moaned:

 

"That's me well and truly fucked now! Who on earth is going to want a one legged gold digger?

 

"Don't worry too much" replied his oppo "You could always try Paul McCartney!"

[Wee Mun 25]

Did anyone hear about the Dyslexic Pimp who bought himself a warehouse?

[kev 3]

ARSENAL F.C.

END OF SEASON DINNER DANCE

 

Starter

Egg on Face

Seasoned Hash

Frogs legs (past their best)

Spanish Surprise (well beaten)

 

Main course

Humble Pie

Chump Chops

French (has) Beans

Manager's Beef (not rare)

Catch of the Day - big lemon Sol (gutted)

NB: everything is imported, nothing is home grown.

 

Dessert

Sour Grapes (may be hard to swallow)

Fruitless Tarts

Raspberry Fools

Hard Cheese

 

Drinks

Bitter

Little Spirit

French Whine

Cabernet Empty 2006

Champagne - sorry none ordered

STRICTLY NO DOUBLES OR TREBLES

 

NB: drinks should be consumed from glasses as there will be no cups this year.

 

Guest speaker:

Rafa Benitez - "What it's like to win the European Cup"

 

Please note that the club’s European Tour for the season 2006-07 is not guaranteed.

[Rizzo 16]

Totally piss off your local librarian by asking her if she has any 'books on shelves'.

[Raffles 53]

It's a very sad world we live in when Sir Paul McCartney and his wife are facing divorce and all anyone seems to want to do is make jokes about her false leg

 

Personally, I think it's prosthetic

[Guest]

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/48747

 

I know I shouldn't find this funny, but I can't help myself.

[8leggedgroovemachine 0]

An ugly woman walks into a shop with her two kids. The shopkeeper asks "Are they twins?" The woman says "No, he's 9 and she's 7. Why? Do you think they look alike?" "No", he replies "I just can't believe you got laid twice"

[Keydeck 9,248]

A guy sitting at an airport bar noticed a really beautiful woman sitting next to him.

He thought to himself:

"Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be a flight attendant. But which airline does she work for?"

 

Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta slogan:"Love to fly and it shows?"

She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself:

"Dash, she doesn't work for Delta."

 

A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards her again:"Something special in the air?"

She gave him the same confused look.

He mentally kicked himself, and scratched Singapore Airlines off the list.

 

Next he tried the Thai Airways slogan: "Smooth as Silk."

This time the woman turned on him and said "What the F*** do you want?"

 

The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, and said "Ahhhhh, Easyjet"