Jokes

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The Pentagon announced TODAY the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the

United States Redneck Special Forces (USRSF).

 

These Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi, West Virginia, Missouri, Oklahoma, Tennessee, and Texas boys will be dropped off into Iraq and have been given only the following facts about terrorists:

 

1. The season opened today.

2. There is no limit.

3. They taste just like chicken.

4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.

5. They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt.

 

The Pentagon expects the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday

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Courtesy of my Ma:

 

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, "You have

been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking."

 

The cat thought for a minute and then said, "All my life I lived on a farm

and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep

on."

 

God said, "Say no more." Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.

 

A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to

Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He

made to the cat.

 

The mice said, "Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs,

and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller

skates, we would not have to run again."

 

God answered, "It is done." All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.

 

About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound

asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, "Is

everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?"

 

The cat replied, "Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my

life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have

been sending over are delicious!"

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Jelly Baby walks into a bar & starts talking to a Smartie. After a few beers the Smartie says "Ere, a bunch of us are heading to that new club, fancy tagging along?".

 

The Jelly Baby days "No mate, I'm a soft centre, I always end up getting my head kicked in."

 

"So", Smartie says. "Don't worry about it, I'm a bit of a hard case, I'll look after you."

 

Jelly Baby thinks about it for a minute & says "Fair enough, as long as you'll look after me", & off they go. After a few more beers in the club, three Lockets walk in.

 

As soon as he see them, Smartie hides under the table. The Lockets take one look at the Jelly Baby & start kicking him, breaking cola bottles over his little jelly head, lamping him with little sugary chairs, & generally having a laugh. After a while they get bored & walk out.

 

Jelly Baby pulls his battered Jelly Baby body over to the table & wipes up his Jelly Baby blood. He turns to Smartie & says "I thought you were going to look after me!"

 

"I was!" says Smartie, "But those Lockets are F*ukin' menthol!"

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I got this from my Mum too, as told to her by her lady vicar:

 

Two soldiers get killed in a war and go up to heaven. At the pearly gates St.Peter asks the first one, "When you were away from your wife were you faithful to her?"

"Oh, yes", he replies, "always"

"Good", says St.Peter," then you can have a new Rolls Royce and a mansion."

He then asks the second one the same question.

"Well", he replies " I admit I did stray just once".

"OK", says St. Peter, "then you can only heve a second hand VW Golf and a small Bungalow"

 

A few weeks later the second soldier is driving around heaven in his golf when he sees the first soldier sitting by the side of the road crying. He stops and says,"What's up? you can't be unhappy look at all the wonderful things you got, what ever is wrong?"

The first soldier replies," I've just seen my wife riding round on an old rusty bike with a tent on the back!"

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THE CURTAIN RODS

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates, and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay. When she had finished, she went into each and every room and stuffed half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of all of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

 

 

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then, slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything: cleaning, mopping, and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, carpets were steam cleaned, and air fresheners were hung everywhere! Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit. Finally, they couldn’t take the stench any longer and decided to move. A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they couldn’t find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and, eventually, even the local Realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

 

 

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back. Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.

 

 

She agreed, and, within the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork. A week later, the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home, including the curtain rods.

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A man is walking down the road when he sees a garden full of the most beautiful Tulips he has ever seen. He is admiring them when the owner of the house comes out and the man asks him how he grows such an abundant crop of perfect tulips.

 

The owner invites him into his house to show him the 'secret' and lets the man see cages and cages of hamsters.

 

The man is still puzzled so the owner says... "Everday I take a dozen hamsters, I put them in a liquidiser and then boil them covered with sugar until the sugar melts."

 

"How does that help!" says the man.

 

"Oh sorry " he replies "I thought everybody knew that the best Tulips come from Hamster Jam..."

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The year is 2222 and John and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating

enough Frequent Flier miles.

They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.

John asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how

they make money, etc.

Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex

 

.

Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen.

The Martian responds, "Pretty much the way you do."

A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners

for the night and experience one another.

 

Maureen and the male Martian go off to a

bedroom where the Martian strips.

 

He's got only a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and

just a quarter-inch thick.

I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen.

Why?" he asks. "What's the matter?"

Well," she replies, "it's just not long enough to reach me!"

No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his

palm.

With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite

impressively long.

Well," she says, "that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow."

No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull,

his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely

exciting to the woman.

Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate

love.

The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their

separate ways. As they walked along, John asks,

 

"Well, was it any good?"

I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was wonderful. How about

you?"

It was horrible," he replies. "All I got was a headache. She kept

slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."

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After the long months of cold and winter, we will soon be coming up to summer and BBQ season.

 

Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking as it's the only type of cooking a real man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.

 

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

Routine...

1) The woman buys the food.

2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.

3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

Here comes the important part:

4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine...

5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.

6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.

Important again:

7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine...

8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces and brings them to the table.

9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:

10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women

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One day, three boys were walking over a bridge when they heard a guy yelling for help. It was President Bush. He was drowning, and the three boys rescued him. He thanked them dearly and promised them whatever they wanted as a reward.

The first boy wanted $10,000, so Bush gave him the money. The second boy wanted a Ferrari, so Bush gave the boy a Ferrari.

 

The third boy wanted a wheelchair, Bush said, “Why do you want one of those, son, you're not handicapped.

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Q. Why does a penis have a hole in the end?

A. So men can be open minded.

 

Q. What's the biggest fish in the world?

A. A hore, if you catch one you can eat her for months.

 

Q. What is the difference between a golf ball and a g-spot?

A. Men will spend two hours searching for a golf ball.

 

Q. What's the difference between a toad and a horny toad?

A. One goes "ribbit" the other goes "rub it".'

 

Q. Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?

A. He died laughing before he could tell anybody.

 

Q. What's the difference between Mad Cow disease and PMS?

A. Nothing.

 

Q. How do you confuse a female archaeologist?

A. Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it's from.

 

Q. Why does the bride always wear white?

A. Well aren't all kitchen appliances that colour?

 

Q. What's the difference between parsley and pussy?

A. Nobody eats parsley.

 

Q. What do you do with 365 used rubbers?

A. Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

 

Q. What's the difference between sin and shame?

A. It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.

 

Q. Why did Raggedy Anne get thrown out of the toy box?

A. Because she kept sitting on Pinocchio's face moaning, "Lie to me!"

 

Q. What did the egg say to the boiling water?

A. "How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got laid a minute ago."

 

Q. What's the difference between a lesbian and a Ritz cracker?

A. Ones a snack cracker, and the others a crack snacker!

 

Q. Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants?

A. He heard the snow blower coming.

 

Q: What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

A: Lickalotopuss.

 

Q. What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horses ass?

A. A Mechanic.

 

Q. What did one gay sperm say to the other gay sperm?

A. I can't see a thing with all this shit in here!

 

Q. How do you know when a male porn star is at the gas station?

A. Right before the gas stops pumping he pulls out the nozzle and sprays it all over the car.

 

Q. What is the difference between a hockey game and a High School reunion?

A. At a hockey game you see fast pucks.

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A man boarded an aircraft at Heathrow and took his seat. As he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.

He realised she was heading straight towards his seat and bingo! She took the seat right beside him. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or Holiday?" She turned, smiled enchantingly and said "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States".

 

He swallowed hard... here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

 

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about s*xuality."

 

"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"

 

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish.

 

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and quiet...

 

"I'm sorry," she said, "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name."

 

"Tonto," the man said... "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."

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So punny...

 

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

 

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

 

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

 

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

 

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm andsays: "A beer please, and one for the road."

 

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this tastefunny to you?"

 

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'

"Thatsounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."

"Is it common?"

"Well, It's Not Unusual."

 

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says toDolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."

 

"I don't believeyou," says Dolly.

"It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

 

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing tolook at either.

 

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

 

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

 

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"

The doctor replied, "I know you can't- I've cut off your arms!"

 

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

 

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

 

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the otherand says "Dam!".

 

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire inthe craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't haveyour kayak and heat it too.

 

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.

 

After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

 

18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egyptand is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to hisbirth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They'r e! twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

 

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little,which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ..(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)... A supercalloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

 

20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

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Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was Manufactured in England.

 

In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico... But as we know...the great ship did not make it to New York... The ship hit an iceberg and sank...and the cargo was forever lost...

 

The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery...were disconsolate at the loss... Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning which they still observe to this day...

 

The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th... and is known...of course...as Sinko de Mayo...

 

I really am sorry for that one. It's bad beyond belief.

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A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love

for the first time.

 

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.

 

He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

 

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

 

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

 

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

 

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

 

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

 

The boy turns, and whispers back,

 

"I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

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A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi that's just dropping someone else off.

 

He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

 

Passenger: "Who?"

 

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. There's a guy who did everything right.

Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to

Frank every single time."

 

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

 

Cabbie: "Not Frank. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis.

 

He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano."

 

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special"

 

Cabbie: "There's more"..."He had a memory like a computer.

 

Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with.

 

He could fix anything.

 

Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out."

 

Passenger. "Wow, some bloke then"

 

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them."

 

“Passenger. "Mmm, there's not many like him around."

 

Cabbie: "And he knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too."

 

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

 

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank."

 

Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?"

 

Cabbie: "I married his f***ing widow."

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What have John Prescott and MFI furniture got in common?

 

A few wrong screws and the whole Cabinet falls apart.

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The England Football Coach, Sven Goran Ericksson is on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" and has reached the million pound question.

Chris Tarrant says "Right Sven, this is for one million pounds, and remember, you still have two lifelines left, so please take your time.'

Here's your question: What type of animal lives in a Sett ?

Is it...

a) a badger

B) a ferret

c) a mole or

d) a cuckoo?

Sven ponders for a while and says "No, I'm sorry Chris, I'm not too sure. I'll have to go 50-50."

Right, Sven, let's take away two wrong answers and see what you're left with. " Badger" and "Cuckoo" are the two remaining answers.

Sven has a long think, then scratches his head and says "No, Chris, I'm still not sure, I'm going to have to phone a friend."

"So who are you going to call, Sven?" says Chris.

Hmmm.. I think I'll call David Beckham."

So Tarrant phones David Beckham.

"David, this is Chris Tarrant from 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire'. I've got Sven Goran Ericksson here, and with your help he could win one million pounds. The next voice you hear will be Sven's".

"Hello David" says Sven. "It's the boss here. What type of animal lives in a sett? Is it a badger or a cuckoo?"

"It's a badger, boss." says Becks without hesitation.

"You sure, son?" says Sven.

"Definitely, boss. One hundred per cent. It's a badger. Definitely."

"Right, Chris," says Sven, "I'll go with David. The answer's a badger.

Final answer?.

" Sven," says Chris, "That's the correct answer. You've won One Million Pounds!!"

Cue wild celebrations.

Next morning at training, Sven calls Beckham across. "Son, that was brilliant last night. I thought I might be taking a gamble giving you a call, but you played a blinder! But how the hell did you know that a badger lives in a sett?"

 

Oh... I didn't, boss," replies Beckham, "But everybody knows a cuckoo lives in a clock"

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