Jokes

[skoolboyerror 1]

In bed with her lover after several hours of passionate lovemaking, Brenda's phone rang. She told her lover, who was also her husband's best friend, to be very quiet.

 

As she answered the phone, he listened quietly to her cheerful side of the conversation.

 

"Hello? Oh, hi. Oh, really? Well, that sounds wonderful! I'm so happy for you! Great! Okay, have a good time. Bye!"

 

She hung up the phone and her lover asked, "Who was that?"

 

She replied, "That was just my husband, telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

[mandrax 55]

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the

Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked,

"What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a

Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

 

"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"

 

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that

she never told a lie."

 

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have

moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

 

"Where's Bush's clock?" asked the man.

"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

[Columbus 2]

FW: An engineer as a boy friend

 

1: Secure lifestyle

 

An engineer boyfriend can provide you with a secure lifestyle. At 27 years old, an engineer probably has a respectable, stable job that gives him high income to own a car, invest, have a comfortable life, and get married and buy a house too. Law graduates are still working as a lowly apprentice in law firm, most management graduates have just failed on their first business plan, the arts graduate is still looking for a job, and the medical school graduate is still living in a hospital.

 

2: Unmatchable industriousness

 

An engineer boyfriend will dedicate an unimaginable amount of his time and effort to understand you. Engineers strain really really hard to understand their work. You can believe that they will try really really hard to understand women too, just like how they understand their work, once they believe that you are the one. So even if they don't understand you initially, they will keep on trying. Even if they still do not understand, they will figure out the correct method to keep you happy (e.g. buy diamond ring = 1 week's worth of happiness.) And once they find out the secret formula, they will just keep on repeating it so that the desired results appear. Unlike the Lawyer who will argue with you, the Management graduate who will try to control your spending, the Arts graduate who will 'change major', and the medical school graduate who will operate on you. And you know what, it's really so easy to make engineers believe that you are the 'one'. Say that you like one of their projects and they will be hooked to you forever.-

 

3: An engineer boyfriend will never betray your trust.

 

Let me first tell you what is wrong with the rest of the others - the lawyers will lie about everything, management graduates will cheat your money, the arts graduate will flirt, and you probably just look like another cadaver to the medical school graduate. Your engineer boyfriend is either too busy to have an affair, and even if he does, he is too dumb to lie to you about that. Hence, an engineer is the most secure boyfriend that you will ever find - rich enough, will keep on trying to understand and please you, has no time for affairs, and too dumb to lie to you.

 

:)

[Columbus 2]

Management Lesson

 

[Columbus 2]

Why were the Germans called "Jerries " ?

If you cover your mouth with your hand to try to conceal your laughter, it may appear that you are laughing up your sleeve.

 

Credits to Jimbo

[gearbox 5]

Not really a Joke but here goes...

 

A Ukranian man arrives in Edinburgh as a new immigrant to Scotland. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. Scotsman for letting me in this country!" But the passer-by says "You are mistaken, I am from Poland".

 

The man goes on and encounters another passer-by. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in Scotland." "The person says I no Scottish, I Indian."

 

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says "Thank you for the wonderful Scotland." That person puts up his hand and says "I am from Pakistan, I am not a Scotsman."

 

He finally sees a nice lady and asks suspiciously, "Are you Scottish?" "No, I am from Iran" "Where are all the Scottish people?" The Iranian lady looks at her watch, shrugs, and says... "Probably at work!""

[gearbox 5]

Paddy the Irishman died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the

morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends,

 

Seamus and Sean (also Irishmen), were sent for. Seamus went in and the

mortician pulled back the sheet.

 

Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over".

So the mortician rolled him over.

 

Seamus looked and said "Nope, it ain't Paddy".

The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean

in to identify the body.

 

Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him

over".

 

The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said,"No, it

ain't Paddy".

 

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two arseholes."

 

"What, he had two arseholes???" said the mortician.

"Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town,

 

folks would say,

 

"Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes..."

 

:lol:

[gearbox 5]

Irish jokes are unforgiveable, hurtful and politically incorrect - however, here's another one...

 

Paddy was out at lunchtime in Dublin town centre.

 

An American tourist comes up, points at a new office block and says "Hey bud, how long does it take you guys to build something like that?"

 

Paddy says "Ah, to be sure, dat took about foive months" The American guy says "Hey, in the States we could build that in five weeks!"

 

American tourist points at the nice new shopping centre and says "How long to build a mall like that?"

Paddy says "Well, oi reckon dat took about eight months, so".

Tourist says "Hell buddy, in the States we'd build that sucker in eight weeks!!"

 

Tourist points at the vast new Civic Centre, a huge marvel of steel, marble and smoked glass.

Says "How long to build that thing down there then?"

 

Paddy says "Ah, now, I don't tink dat was dere when I came to work this morning"

[Vloid 1]

How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?

 

They Take The Psycho Path

 

What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?

 

Dam!

 

What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too! Long?

 

Polaroid's

 

What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?

 

Nacho Cheese.

 

What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?

 

Spoiled Milk.

 

Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?

 

Because It Scares The Dog.

 

How Are a Texas Tornado And a TennesseeDivorce The Same?

 

Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer

 

What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?

 

A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!

A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.

 

What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?

 

Anyone Can Roast Beef.

 

How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?

 

Unique Up On It.

 

How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?

 

Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

[Ura 0]

Q What do Kiwi Blokes use as an aphrodisiac?

A Mint Sauce

[zeotype 1]

At a busy bus stop in New York city, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight leather skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

 

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.

 

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.

 

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step. About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

 

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kind'a figured we was friends."

[gearbox 5]

An English ventriloquist visiting Wales walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog.

He figures he'll have some fun, so he says to the Welshman "Can I talk

to your dog?"

 

villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid git"

 

Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?

 

Dog: "Doing' alright"

 

Villager: (Look of extreme shock)

 

Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (Pointing at the villager)

 

Dog: "Yep"

 

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

 

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes

me to the lake once a week to play"

 

Villager: (Look of disbelief)

 

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

 

Villager: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either. I think"

 

Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

 

Horse: "Cool"

 

Villager: (Absolutely dumfounded)

 

Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to the villager)

 

Horse: "Yep"

 

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

 

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes

me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements"

 

Villager: (Total look of amazement)

 

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

 

Villager: (In a panic) "The sheep's a F*****G liar"

[far-lands 11]

On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy nightie and with

great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find that her new Catholic

husband had settled down on the couch.

 

When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he

replied, "Can't, it's Lent."

 

In tears, she remarked, "well, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard!

Who did you lend it to, and for how long?"

[far-lands 11]

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than I." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?

[far-lands 11]

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

[MarkJC 0]

REVOCATION OF AMERICAN STATE OF INDEPENDENCE

A message to the citizens of the United States of America:

 

In light of your repetitive failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

 

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy). Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you actually noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

 

You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium", and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it all along. The letter "U" will be reinstated in words such as "favour", "colour" and "neighbour." Likewise, you will learn to spell "doughnut" without skipping half the letters, and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise".

 

Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary", if necessary.

 

Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

 

There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter "u" and the elimination of "ize".

 

You will re-learn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.

 

July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

 

You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not mature enough to handle firearms. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

 

All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you'll understand what we mean.

 

All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

 

The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (the previously-used term "gasoline" will henceforth be taboo) - at roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

 

You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick-cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

 

The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine". This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

 

Hollywood will be required to occasionally cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English roles. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in "Four Weddings and a Funeral" was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

 

You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

 

Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the "World Series" for a game which is not played outside of America. However, since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.

 

You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

 

An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

 

Thank you for your co-operation.

[MarkJC 0]

DECLARATION OF ANNEXING THE BRITISH ISLES AS PART OF THE USA

A message to the imperialist British colonizers:

 

In the light of your indecision over joining a common European Currency, your dissatisfaction with the European Union, your bickering with European Governments and the fact that you already almost speak our language and refuse to speak any other European languages, you are to be annexed as the 51st State of America.

 

Your state code will be GB. Zip codes will be assigned to replace your old postal districts. The state capital will be Stratford-upon-Avon, which is a lot prettier than London. Princess Diana will be declared a saint. You have already assimilated so much American culture that you are unlikely to notice the transition. To aid in the assimilation, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

 

Realize that language is an organic structure, and that you aren't always correct in your pronunciation or spelling.

 

Look up "aluminum" in any good American Dictionary. Check the spelling and pronunciation guide. Sir Humphrey Davy (an Englishman) invented the name "aluminum" (note spelling) for the metal. However, in common usage the name evolved into "aluminium" to match the naming convention of other elements. In 1925 the United States decided to switch back to the original spelling and pronunciation of the word, at which point we dominated the aluminum industry. We'd also like to point out that the process of actually producing aluminum was developed by an American and a Frenchman (not an Englishman). Learn to live with it.

 

You are, of course welcome to your idiosyncratic and illogical place-names such as Edinburgh. If you wanted it pronounced "Eddinburra", you ought to have spelled it that way in the first place.

 

You will quit using words such as "fortnight". The correct term is "a two week period". You will learn words such as "credenza", "intern" and "chad".

 

There is no such thing as "UK English". UK English is the relic of a defunct colonialist power which attempted to impose British English linguistic superiority on a nation which has a higher number of English speakers. Microsoft is aware of this, on your behalf, you know?

 

Your film-makers should learn to distinguish the American and Canadian accents. American accents are not limited to redneck drawls or New York accents. Mainland Americans have more than enough accents to cope with in our own country, so all British dramas will now bear subtitles, especially those made in impenetrable dialects such as Scottish, Scouse or Geordie. To make life easier for mainland America, all British films and TV programs must use American vocabulary and accents; Scotch characters will wear plaid, Irish characters will have shamrocks on them, English characters will wear bowler hats and pinstripes, and Welsh characters will not be used since there are no notable Welsh Americans.

 

The British film industry will no longer portray all Americans as cowboys, rednecks, trailer trash or Beverly Hills billionaires. Hollywood will continue to use "Mockney" and "Posh" British accents as this makes it easier for viewers to identify which characters are British. You can have Hugh Grant back. He's a lousy actor and we don't want him either. All British films will be made in Hollywood where the weather and scenery are better. Your film industry is already unable to make a halfway-decent film which doesn't contain a American in the starring role. All American characters should be "good guys".

 

You will learn your new national anthem, "The Star Spangled Banner". It shall be sung every morning at kindergarten, high school, university and your places of work. Your Union Flag will be hung up any damn way we wish, so stop bitching about it being upside down. If there was meant to be a right way up you should have made it simpler. All Union flags will be replaced by the Stars and Stripes over a two week period.

 

You should stop playing soccer and rugby. There is no need to have two games, one of which is confusingly like football and one of which is called football but patently isn't real football. If it doesn't require 45 pounds of padding, it isn't football. You should also stop playing cricket. Americans can't understand the rules. If you insist on playing this game which is only played by former British colonies, you will introduce a simplified scoring system, timeouts, colored (note spelling) strips and cheerleaders to make it more interesting. Any match which takes longer than 90 minutes will be declared a draw.

 

In films, as in real life, we decide who the bad guys are. The bad guys are those guys who don't do as we tell them. They are also the guys who attract the biggest audiences into movie theaters. You will cease using the word "cinema". They are "movie theaters". The snippets of forthcoming films are not "trailers", they are "teasers".

 

November 5th is no longer a day for fireworks. It is July 4th which is the appropriate fireworks festival. If you want a big fireworks party on November 5th, we will help you to blow up your Houses of Parliament. You won't be needing them any longer; Disneyland London will be situated there.

 

Hunting with packs of dogs is also banned. Instead, you will go hunting with a pick-up truck, some six-packs of Bud, two coonhounds and enough guns and ammo to equip a private militia.

 

There is also no such activity as "caravanning". It is called "camping". The thing boy scouts do with tents and bedrolls is called "tenting".

 

Roundabouts will be banned. What is the point of turning left in order to turn right? They are confusing to Americans and are death traps. You will start driving on the right with immediate effect. Most of the world drives on the right already. You will be allowed to turn right on a red light if safe to do so - though you must check local county legislation as this is not permitted in all areas.

 

Those things which you call chips are cholesterol-soaked abominations. You will start to eat fries - light fluffy potato in crisp coating. If you want to eat British-style fried potato sticks you will need a certificate from your doctor and good medical insurance.

 

Beer is to be served cold. The warm, flat drink you call "beer" is properly termed "ale" and the FDA have determined it to be unfit for human consumption. You will also learn the difference between crackers, cookies and biscuits to avoid causing unnecessary confusion to mainland Americans. And perhaps when you finally realize the French aren't the spawn of Satan they'll teach you how to cook.

 

All inter-personal communications between family members, even if resident in the same house, must be through a lawyer. It is compulsory to sue somebody at least once per year - be inventive. It is compulsory to have therapy three times each week and to recover false memories of your childhood which allow you to sue your parents and your therapist. Therapy, like, will take the place of speaking to family members.

 

You will be given compulsory courses on how to become dysfunctional. Name your children after interesting medical conditions.

 

You may not have guns. In the eyes of Mainland Americans you are wayward children. Children are not permitted to play with firearms unless they have a legitimate reason to do so, i.e. they plan to gun down the population of a small town or school (self-defense) or slaughter every living creature within a 50-mile (not kilometre) radius. We call this hunting.

 

And we'll tell you who killed JFK when you apologize for "Teletubbies".

 

Thank you for your co-operation. You will be assimilated.

[Vloid 1]

Anagrams:

 

DORMITORY: DIRTY ROOM

 

PRESBYTERIAN: BEST IN PRAYER

 

ASTRONOMER: MOON STARER

 

DESPERATION: A ROPE ENDS IT

 

THE EYES: THEY SEE

 

GEORGE BUSH: HE BUGS GORE

 

THE MORSE CODE: HERE COME DOTS

 

SLOT MACHINES: CASH LOST IN ME

 

ANIMOSITY: IS NO AMITY

 

ELECTION RESULTS: LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

 

SNOOZE ALARMS: ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

 

A DECIMAL POINT: IM A DOT IN PLACE

 

THE EARTHQUAKES: THAT QUEER SHAKE

 

ELEVEN PLUS TWO: TWELVE PLUS ONE

 

MOTHER-IN-LAW: WOMAN HITLER

[zeotype 1]

Shortest Fairy Tale

 

[Raffles 53]

Two guys are pushing their shopping trolley's around a store when they

collide.

 

The first guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for

my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going".

 

The second guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my

wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate".

 

The first guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your

wife look like"?

 

The second guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair,

blue eyes, big breasts and is wearing short shorts and a tank top. What

does your wife look like"?

 

The first guy says, "F**k looking for mine, --- let's look for yours.