Jokes

[MarkJC 0]

Ah, Tit Monday. It's not that far off now...

 

That glorious day when, heading into work on the bus, or walking to the tube, or sitting on the train, you find yourself suddenly chirpier than you have been in months. You find yourself smiling at strangers again. There is a mild involuntary tumescence in your trousers that comes and goes throughout the morning with the comforting regularity of a heartbeat.

 

And then you get a text around lunchtime from a mate which says: "At last, Tit Monday!" And you instantly understand why you are so happy. For Tit Monday is that special day in the year when, for the first time, the temperature rises above that magical point which causes girls getting dressed in the morning to decide to show a bit of skin.

 

After months of dull colours and chunky knit, the world's birds suddenly dive into last summer's wardrobe (they've not had chance to buy this season's stuff) and chuck it on without a thought. Your urban landscape is suddenly lightened with acres of naked arm and leg and, after many dark months of burrowing, breasts rising to the surface like moles at dusk.

 

Big breasts in white work shirts straining at the buttons. Small breasts braless in vest tops, the nipples frotted by ribby fabrics. Breasts in summer dresses bouncing in the distance so that they catch your eye before you even notice there is someone wearing them. Breasts nudging out from the crowd at traffic islands, quivering to cross the road...

 

And you know it is nearly summer. For previous generations, the arrival of spring was heralded by the sound of the first cuckoo. For us, it is Tit Monday.

 

Not that it always falls on a Monday. Like Easter, Tit Monday is a moveable feast. Last year it fell on a Friday. Friday 29 April, to be precise, when temperatures maxed out at 22.1C after nothing much above 16C all year. It last fell on a Monday in 2004, when temperatures leapt to 22C on 24 April.

 

And then, of course, there is Tit Monday Night. You see, in early summer, temperatures drop off very dramatically when night falls (Tit Friday 2005 dropped away to a parky 11.8C). But the dollies are not prepared. Slightly stunned by the morning heat, they drag out the summer clothes but forget to bring a cardie (a mistake they will not make again until next year), so that when they're all standing outside All Bar One after work celebrating the arrival of spring, their barely covered nipples have no protection from the cold. It's like a Bring-and-Buy sale where everyone has brought hat pegs. It's like a prog-rock gig where, instead of lighters, everyone is holding up nipples.

 

So when will Tit Monday fall this year? Will you be the first to text your mates with the announcement? Do not shoot your bolt too early. There will be false starts. You will smell fresh cut grass and see a couple of early starters and feel compelled to declare Tit Monday. But your more level-headed friends will tell you to hold your horses, keep your powder dry, don't fire until you see the whites of their bra straps.

 

As the poet said: one bold Northern slapper in a bikini doth not a summer make.

[QuimBigot 0]

In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $180,000.00 they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

 

After the US published the study, the French decided to do their own study. After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

 

Australian scientists, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of $74.95, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.

[QuimBigot 0]

Aussie: Believe you should look out for your mates.

Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong

to your club.

Americans: Believe that people should look out for and take care of

themselves.

Canadians: Believe that that's the government's job.

 

Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.

Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.

Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.

Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.

 

Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.

Canadians: Don't, but only because they can't get more American channels.

Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch 4 channels.

Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.

 

Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball and

basketball.

Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer and rugby.

Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.

Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they played them in.

 

Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it "English."

Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it "English."

Canadians: Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans.

Aussies: Add "G'day", "mate," and a heavy accent to everything they say

 

Aussies: Are extremely patriotic about their beer.

Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness.

Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be bothered to sing them.

Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.

 

Americans: Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer.

Canadians: Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer.

Brits: Drink warm, beery-tasting piss.

Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.

 

Brits: Are justifiably proud of the accomplishments of their past citizens.

Americans: Are justifiably proud of the accomplishments of their present citizens.

Canadians: Prattle on about how some of those great Americans were once Canadian.

Aussies: Wollow on about how some of their past citizens were once outlaw Pommies, but none of that matters after several beers.

 

Americans: Seem to think that poverty and failure are morally suspect.

Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.

Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are inherited.

Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.

 

Canadians: Endure bitterly cold winters and are proud of it.

Brits: Endure oppressively wet and dreary winters and are proud of it.

Americans: Don't have to do either, and couldn't care less.

Aussies: Don't understand what inclement weather means.

 

Aussies: Have produced comedians like Paul Hogan and Yahoo Serious.

Canadians: Have produced many great comedians, like John Candy, Martin Short, Jim Carrey, Dan Akroyd, and all the rest at SCTV.

Americans: Think that these people are American!

Brits: Have produced many great comedians, but Americans ignore them because they don't understand subtle humor.

[bobbyboy 0]

They say it will take two weeks to make Gene Pitney a coffin from Oak, but only 24 hours from balsa...

[Kerrygirl 2]

Easter is cancelled

 

[Keydeck 9,248]

Apparently the latest craze in bars in Dublin is for men to drink vodka through a straw straight from a young woman's privates.

 

The government is very concerned about this latest outbreak of minge drinking

[Slackmack 5]

An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman were in a pub, talking about their sons.

"My son was born on St George's Day,"commented the English man. "So we obviously decided to call him George."

"That's a real coincidence," remarked the Scot. "My son was born on St Andrew's Day, so obviously we decided to call him Andrew."

"That's incredible, what a coincidence, "said the Irishman. "Exactly the same thing happened with my son Pancake."

[gearbox 5]

lucky frog"

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green.

 

He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron"

 

The man looks around and doesn't see anyone.

 

"Ribbit. 9 Iron."

 

He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron.

 

Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?"

 

The frog reply's "Ribbit. Lucky frog."

 

The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks.

 

"Ribbit. 3 wood."

 

The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom ! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?"

 

The frog reply, "Ribbit. Las Vegas."

 

So, they go to "Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?"

 

The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette."

 

Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, " What do you think I should bet?"

 

The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000,black 6."

 

Now, this is a million to one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.

 

The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."

 

The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me."

 

He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15 year old girl.

 

"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room."

 

:doh:

[gearbox 5]

Asian feller turns up at the pearly gates, "YES" says St Peter. "What can I do for you??"

I've come because of Jesus, says the asian chap.

Oh I see says St Peter, just wait a minute... (Cups his hands round his mouth) and shouts...

JESUS!!! Your taxi is here!!!

[gearbox 5]

An older Jewish man married a younger woman.

 

After several months, the young woman complained that she had never

climaxed during sex and by birthright; all Jewish women are entitled to

at least one climax during sex.

 

So they went to see the rabbi. The rabbi tells them to get a strong,

virile young man to wave a towel over them while they are having sex.

This, the rabbi says, will cause the woman to climax, so the couple

tries it.

 

After several attempts, still no climax. They go back to the rabbi. The

rabbi says for the bride to change partners and have the virile young

man have sex with her and have the husband wave the towel.

 

They try it that night and the young woman goes into wild, screaming

earsplitting climaxes, one after the other.

 

When it is over, the husband smugly looks down at the young man and

says, "You see, schmuck, THAT's how you wave a towel!"

[gearbox 5]

What an Ass!

 

[gaijin 238]

[iain 141]

funnily enough i got that in the email about a month ago, however it was in german. :)

[RB-Tee 4]

...

[gaijin 238]

 

funnily enough i got that in the email about a month ago, however it was in german.

I only got it yesterday, but twice within one day from two completely different sides -

once in English and once in German. :)

[Saz 3]

As posted previously in Easter fun... :)

[Columbus 2]

...

 

[Loopy 5]

15 things to do in Tesco when you're bored:

 

1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in peoples' trolley when they aren't looking.

 

2. Set all the alarm clocks in houseware to go off at 5 minute intervals.

 

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor to the toilet.

 

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, "Code 10 at Pharmacy" ... and see what happens.

 

5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on hold.

 

6. Move a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.

 

7. Set up a tent in the houseware and tell other shoppers you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.

 

8. When an assistant asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

 

9. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.

 

10. While handling knives in the kitchenware department ask the assistant if he knows where the anti-depressants are.

 

11. Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the theme from Mission Impossible.

 

12. In the car accessory department practice your Madonna look using different size funnels.

 

13. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through shout, "PICK ME! PICK ME!!!"

 

14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume the foetal position and scream, "NO! NO! It's those voices again!"

 

15. Go into a fitting room and yell real loudly..."Hey! We're out of toilet paper in here!"

 

hmmm... just found this list, but I've already done a coupla things on it :wacko:

[Raffles 53]

I've started taking VIAGRA...well,it stops me falling out of bed.

 

Raffles.

[far-lands 11]

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me

life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best

toast of the night"

She said, "Aye, did ye now And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church

beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street

corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the

other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know,

he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and

the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."