Jokes

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A certain married couple had a very healthy sex life. They had sex everyday; in the shower, on the kitchen counter, everywhere imaginable. In fact the wife was somewhat of a nymphomaniac.

One day the husband announced that he would be going on a week-long business trip. Deciding that she couldn't go the week without sex she decided to visit a sex shop after she dropped him off at the airport. She was looking at the selections of dildo's and could not find what she was looking for. She asked the man at the counter if he had anything really special. The man hesistated, looked around the shop, and took a deep breath, "I really shouldn't be showing you this, but you look like a very special lady." He took an old looking wooden box out from under the counter and removed the lid. As the woman looked inside she announced that it was just like any other in the store. The man said, "Ah, but you see, it most certainly is not! It is the voodoo penis and all you have to do is say "voodoo penis" and then where ever you want it to go." The man decided to demonstrate the powers of the "voodoo penis". He commanded, "VOODOO PENIS, THE DOOR!" The dildo rose from the box and began its work on the door. The door began to buckle and sway. Splinters of wood flew around the room. The man yelled, "Voodoo Penis, return to the box!" The woman was so impressed with it she bought it right away and took it straight home.

The woman, excited to try it, undressed and commanded, "Voodoo Penis my crotch!" The penis went straight to pumping. After three mind-shattering orgasms, she decided that it was enough, only she had forgotten how to return it to the box. After tugging for what seemed like hours, she decided to drive to the hospital for help.

She put her clothes back on and began to drive, quivering with each thrust of the dildo. After one intense orgasm she swerved all over the road. A policeman ,seeing this, pulled her over, and asked her if she had had something to drink.

She replied that she had a voodoo penis stuck in her crotch and it would not stop screwing her. The policeman smiled and in an arrogant tone of voice said, "Voodoo Penis, My ASS!"

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Angering the Irishman

Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. So, one of the Englishmen walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a drunken loser."

 

"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."

 

Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a loser, and he didn't care." The second Englishman remarked, "You just don't know how to set him off...watch and learn." So, the second Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was lying, cheating, idiotic, low-life scum!"

 

"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."

 

Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. "You're right. He's unshakable!"

 

The third Englishman remarked, "Boys, I'll really tick him off... just watch." So the third Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "I hear St. Patrick was an Englishman!"

 

"Yeah, that's what your buddies were trying to tell me."

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An American, Japanese, and a Sardar were sitting in the sauna.

 

Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his forearm and

the beeping stopped.

 

The others looked at him questioningly. "That's my pager," he said, "I have

a microchip under the skin of my arm."

 

A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese lifted his palm to his ear.

When he finished he explained, "That's my mobile phone.

 

I have a microchip in my hand. The Sardar felt low-tech and inferior.

 

He didn't know what to do to be as impressive as the American & the

Japanese. He decided to take a break in the toilet.

 

When he returned, he didn't realize that there was a piece of toilet paper

got stuck and hanging from his backside.

 

The others raised their eyebrows and said, "Wow! What's that?"

 

Instead of being embarrassed, inspiration struck his mind.

 

The Sardar explained, "I'm getting a FAX..."

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THE PERFECT DAY - FOR HER

8.15 Wake up to hugs and kisses.

8.30 Weigh in 2Kg lighter than yesterday.

8.45 Breakfast in bed, freshly squeezed orange juice

and croissants -open presents - expensive jewellery chosen by thoughtful partner.

9.15 Soothing hot bath with frangipani bath oil.

10.00 Light work out at club with sexy funny personal trainer.

10.30 Facial, manicure, shampoo, condition, blow dry.

12.00 Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor cafe.

12.45 Catch sight of partner's ex and notices she has gained 17kg.

1.00 Shopping with friends, unlimited credit.

3.00 Nap.

4.00 Three dozen roses delivered by florist, card is from secret admirer.

4.15 Light work out at club, followed by massage from strong but gentle hunk, who says he rarely gets to work on such a perfect body.

5.30 Choose outfit from expensive designer wardrobe, parade before full length mirror.

7.30 Candle lit dinner for two followed by dancing, with compliments received from other diners/dancers.

10.00 Hot shower (alone).

10:50 Carried to bed . . . (freshly ironed, crisp, new, white linen).

11.00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling.

11.15 Fall asleep in his big strong arms.

 

THE PERFECT DAY - FOR HIM

 

6.00 Alarm.

6.15 BJ.

6.30 Massive satisfying shit while reading the sports section.

7.00 Breakfast: rump steak and eggs, coffee and toast, all cooked by naked, buxom wench who bends over a lot showing her growler.

7.30 Limo arrives.

7.45 Several Beers en-route to airport.

9.15 Flight in personal Lear Jet.

9.30 Limo to Mirage Resort Golf Club (b j en-route).

9.45 Play front nine - 2 under.

11.45 Lunch - Pie, chips and gravy, 3 lagers and a bottle of Dom Perignon.

12.15 Bj.

12.30 Play back nine - 4 under.

2.15 Limo back to the airport (Several Bourbons).

2.30 Fly to Cairns.

3.30 Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female crew, all nude who also bend over a lot displaying growlers.

4.30 Land world record Marlin (1234lbs) - on light tackle.

5.00 Fly home, massage and hand job by naked Elle McPherson (bending over.. naturally).

6.45 Shit, Shower and Shave.

7.00 Watch news: Michael Jackson convicted; cannabis legalised.

7.30 Dinner: lobster appetisers, Dom Perignon (1953), big juicy fillet steak followed by Ice-cream served on a big pair of tits.

9.00 Napoleon Brandy and Habanos cigar in front of wall-size TV as you watch match of the day; Boks beating Oz by 30 points.

9.30 Sex with three women (all with lesbian tendencies... some bending over).

11.00 Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks

and a cleansing ale.

11.30 A night cap bj.

11.45 In bed alone.

11.50 A 22 second fart which changes note 4 times and forces the dog to leave the room .

11.51 Laugh yourself to sleep.

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Nelson Mandela, George W. Bush, Bill Gates and a 9 year old schoolboy are in a plane when the engines abruptly quit and won't restart. The pilot comes to the back grabs a parachute and says "sorry guys, there are only 3 more parachutes, but I'll be damned if I'm going to go down with the plane." with that he puts on his parachute and jumps out of the plane.

 

The 4 people left behind all look at each other for a moment before Bill Gates grabs a parachute and says; "Well, I can't go down with the plane and die, I'm the head of Microsoft and I bring technology and a better life to billions of people every day." with that, he puts on the parachute and jumps.

 

George Bush then says "Well, I'm the most powerful man in the world. I am responsible for maintaining order and stability in the world so I certainly can't die." with that, he grabs a parachute and jumps.

 

Nelson Mandela looks at the little boy and thinks a moment. "Well son, I have had a fulfilling life and can't complain. I've brought a lot of good to the world and am happy to have done so. I think however, that you are a young man with your whole life ahead of you, you should take the last parachute and I'll go down with the plane."

 

The little boy looks up at Mr. Mandela and says; "Nah. Don't worry about it. We'll both be fine. George Bush just jumped out of the plane with my backpack."

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The 8's of a girl

 

What is the difference between girls

aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, and 48, 58 and 68?

 

At 8 - You take her to bed and tell her a story.

 

At 18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed.

 

At 28 - You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.

 

At 38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed.

 

At 48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed.

 

At 58 - You stay in bed to avoid her story.

 

At 68 - If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!!

 

Sorry folks, could not upload the accompanying pics...

Anyone interested, I can mail you.

 

@UA, Most welcome.

 

@fretz... that was a good one.. cant help laughing... thanks.

 

Cheers,

CU all at Starkbierfest!!!

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For the holiday

 

"The Errand"

 

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar.

 

When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.

 

"S'cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done, "what was that all about?"

 

"Nothin', said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"

 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 

"Water to Wine"

 

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.

 

The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have ya been drinkin'?"

 

"Just water," says the priest.

 

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

 

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 

"The Brothel"

 

Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street.

 

They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."

 

Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation as well."

 

Then they see a Catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity...one of the girls must be dying."

 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 

Irish Predicament

 

Drunk Ole Mulvihill (From the Northern Irish Clan) staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional box, sits down but says nothing.

 

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the Ole just sits there.

 

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

 

The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either."

 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 

Irish Last Request

 

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady's after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

 

He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

 

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

 

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, did he have any last requests?"

 

She says, "That he did, Father..."

 

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

 

She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun!'

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Dear Mary,

 

I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just to great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.

 

Love,

John

 

Mary, with hurt feelings, asked her colleagues for any snapshots theycould spare of their boyfriends, brothers, ex-boyfriends, uncles, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of John. Mary included all the other pictures of the pretty lads she had collected from her buddies. There were 57 photos in that envelope...along with this note:

 

Dear John,

 

I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the f**k you are. Please take your picture from the pile and send the rest back to me.

 

Take Care,

Mary

 

:rolleyes:

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A married couple have just moved to a new area and don't know anyone. In order to integrate themselves in the community they decide to start going to their local catholic church and go to visit the priest.

The priest says that they are welcome to come to the church if they can prove themselves first. To do that they have to go 6 weeks without sex. They agree to the conditions and go home.

Six weeks later they come back to the priest and he asks how it went. "Well," say the husband, " The first five weeks went well. Then the other day, my wife dropped a tomato on the floor and bent over to pick it up. I saw her gorgeous round arse right in front of me and I couldn't do it any longer. I had to have her there and then." "I'm afraid that means that you will not be able to attend our church" says the priest solemnly. The wife replies "Sod the church. We're not allowed to shop at Tescos any more"

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A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

 

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front

of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She

watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

 

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why

are you down here at this time of night?"

 

The husband looks up from his coffee.

 

"Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only

16?" he asks solemnly.

 

"Yes I do" she replies.

 

The husband pauses; the words were not coming easily. "Do you remember

when your father caught us in the back seat of my car...?"

 

"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

 

The husband continued... "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in

my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to

jail for 20 years?"

 

"I remember that too" she replied softly.

 

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said,

 

"I would have been released today".!!!

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Bubba applied for an engineering position at a Lake Charles refinery. A Yankee applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the manager. Upon completion of the test, both men only missed one of the questions.

 

The manager went to Bubba and said: "Thank you for your interest but we've decided to give the Yankee the job."

 

Bubba asked: "And why are you giving him the job? We both got nine questions correct. This being Louisiana, and me being a Southern boy I should get the job!"

 

The manager said: "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but rather on the one question that you both missed."

 

Bubba then asked: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"

 

The manager replied: "Bubba, it's like this, on question #4 the Yankee put down "I don't know." You put down, "Neither do I."

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A man goes to see Mel Gibson's new movie, The

Passion, and is inspired to take his family to Israel to see the places where Jesus lived and died.

 

While on vacation his mother-in-law dies. An undertaker in Tel Aviv explains that they can ship the body home to Missouri at a cost of $10,000 or the mother-in-law could be buried in Israel for US $500.

 

The man says, "We'll ship her

home." The undertaker asks, "Are you sure? That's an awfully big expense and we can do a very nice burial here."

 

The man says, "Look, 2000 years ago they buried a guy here and three days later he rose from the dead.

 

I just can't take that chance.

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Duck Expert

 

A game warden came upon a duck hunter who had bagged 3 ducks and decided to 'enforce the laws pending.' He stopped the hunter, flashed his badge and said, 'Looks like you've had a pretty good day. Mind if I inspect your kill?'

 

The hunter shrugged and handed the ducks to the warden. The warden took one of the ducks, inserted his finger into the duck's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed

it, and said, 'This here's a Washington state duck. Do you have a Washington state hunting license?'

 

The hunter pulled out his wallet and calmly showed the warden a Washington state hunting license. The warden took a second duck, inserted his finger in the

bird's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, 'This here's an Idaho duck. Do you have an Idaho state hunting license?'

 

The hunter, a bit put out, produced an Idaho state hunting license. The warden took a third duck, conducted the same finger test, and said, 'This here's

an Oregon state duck. Do you have an Oregon state hunting license?'

 

Once again, only this time more aggravated, the hunter produced the appropriate license. The warden, a little miffed at having struck out, handed the ducks back to the hunter and said, 'You've got all of these licenses, just where the hell are you from?'

 

The hunter dropped his pants, bent over, and said

'You're so smart, YOU tell ME!'

 

sorry, I am bored today...!

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johnny goes to confess at church, sits down and says forgive me father for i have sinned i have had an extramarital affair. i ask for forgiveness for me and her father chastises him on the sin and says he lord will forgive them both. who is the lady, johnny says that is a secret. the priest says how can he pray for both if he doesnt know who, johnny refuses, father says was it christina, johnny says no, was it mary johnny says no, father gives up and says he will pray for All. johnny comes out all smiles. his friend asks him what happened, johnny says i have 2 EXCELLENT LEADS!

 

===========

 

police officer having a problem with an amazing lookin blonde. she dont know what her license looks like what her car papers look like where they are etc etc. fed up he calls the sargent. sargent to policeman, is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde in a ferrari, policeman-yes

sargent- just drop your pants son

policeman-whaaaat!!

sagent-do as i say

policeman-drops pants

blonde-Oh no! not another breath anlyser test!!

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A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the Driver and starts yelling, ''If my dad was a bull and my mom acow I'd be a little bull.''

 

The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, ''If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.''

 

The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, ''What if your dad was a drunk and your mom was a prostitute?!'' The kid smiles and says, ''I would be a bus driver!''

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Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall. They weren't able to name that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices, with little in return. As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping their hands...

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CORPORATE LESSON # 1

 

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $ 800 just to drop that towel that you have on". After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. Bob has a close look at her for a few seconds, hands over $800 and quietly leaves. Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes upstairs! When she gets back to the bathroom,

her husband asks from the shower "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door

neighbor," she replies. "Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the! $ 800 he owes me?"

 

MORAL OF THE STORY: Share critical credit information with your stakeholders to prevent avoidable exposure!

 

CORPORATE LESSON # 2

 

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road; he stopped and offered her a lift which she gladly accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun

looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember psalm 129?"

The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg. Further on, while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember psalm 129?" Once again the priest apologized. "Sorry sister,

but the mind is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun got out, gave him a

meaningful glance and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129. It Said, "Go forth and seek; further up, you will find glory."

 

MORAL OF THE STORY: Always be well informed in your job; or, you might miss great opportunities!

 

CORPORATE LESSON #3

 

Usually the junior executives and staff of the company generally play football; the middle level managers are more interested in tennis and the top management usually has a preference for Golf.

FINDING: As you go up the corporate ladder, the balls reduce in size.

 

MORAL OF THE STORY: Self explanatory...

 

CORPORATE LESSON # 4

 

A young executive was leaving the office at 6 PM when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document and my secretary has left. Can you make this

thing work?" "Certainly, Sir" said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. "Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."

 

MORAL OF THE STORY: Never, never assume that your BOSS knows everything.

 

CORPORATE LESSON # 5

 

There were these 4 guys, Russian President Putin, Germany's Chancellor Kohl, Pakistan Dictator Musharraf and French Premiere Chirac who found this small genie bottle. When they rubbed the bottle, a genie appears. Thankful that the 4 guys had

released him out of the bottle, he said, "Next to you all are 4 swimming pools, I will give each of you a wish. When you run towards the pool and jump, you shout what you want the pool of water to become, and then your wish will come true." The French Premiere Chirac wanted to start. He ran towards the pool, jumped and shouted WINE". The pool immediately changed into a pool of wine. The Frenchman

was so happy swimming and drinking from the pool. Next is the Russian President

Putin turn, he did the same and shouted, "VODKA" and immersed himself into a pool of vodka. The German was next and he jumped and shouted, "BEER". He was so contented with his beer pool. The last is Pakistan's Musharraf. He was running towards the pool when suddenly he steps on a banana peel. He slipped towards

the pool and shouted, "SHIT!!!..."

 

MORAL OF THE STORY: Mind your language; you never know what it will land you in.

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Some more Corporate lessons.

 

Lesson number one

 

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit

saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing

all day long?"

 

The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the

ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared,

jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

 

Moral of the story is:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high

up.

 

Lesson number two:

 

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get

to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the

energy."

 

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the

bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump

of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach

the first branch of the tree.

 

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second

branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at

the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who

shot the turkey out of the tree.

 

Moral of the story:

Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

 

Lesson number three:

 

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss.

The brain said, "I should be Boss because I control the whole

body's responses and functions."

 

The feet said, " We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and

get him to where he wants to go."

 

The hands said, " We should be the Boss because we do all the work

and earn all the money."

 

And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes

until finally the asshole spoke up.

 

All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So

the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.

Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched,

the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain

fevered.

 

Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss, so

the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while

the Boss just sat and passed out the shit!

 

Moral of the story:

 

You don't need brains to be a Boss - any asshole will do.

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This is one for the ladies!!!

-----

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

 

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes." The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten."

 

The woman said, "That's okay." and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to. "

 

The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me." So, KAZAM! she's the most beautiful woman in the world.

 

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you".

 

" The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So, KAZAM! she's the richest woman in the world.

 

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

 

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

 

Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

 

Attention Male readers: Please scroll down.

 

The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife. Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart. Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show

 

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this, it only goes to show that you women never listen!

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