Jokes

[Columbus 2]

Innocent Assumption / Misconceptions

 

[Mike Fish 10]

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:

 

"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food

shortage in the rest of the world?"

 

The survey was a huge failure, In Africa they didn't know what 'food'

meant, In India they didn't know what 'honest' meant, In Europe they didn't

know what 'shortage' meant, In China they didn't know what 'opinion' meant,

In the Middle East they didn't know what 'solution' meant, In South America

they didn't know what 'please' meant, And in the USA they didn't know what

'the rest of the world' meant!!!

[eurovol 126]

And Clarence Thomas doesn't know what her ass meant!

[far-lands 11]

Headlines from the year 2029

 

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia formally known as California. White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.

 

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.

 

Baby conceived naturally . Scientists stumped.

 

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

 

Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon). Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

 

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica.

 

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported

 

legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

 

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

 

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

 

85-year, $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.

 

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

 

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

 

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

 

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

 

Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.

 

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.

 

Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.

 

Capitol Hill intern indicted for refusing to have sex with congressman.

 

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

 

Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines

[gearbox 5]

 

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

apart from this one, it all quite believable :ph34r:

[far-lands 11]

Q: What do the Al-Kaida like to have for dessert ??

 

A: Terrormisu

[gearbox 5]

Dessert vs. desert

One 's' or two? Dessert or desert? Here are a couple of clues to help you get it straight:

 

* Dessert is twice as good as the desert.

~submitted by JayGee

* Strawberry Shortcake = dessert

vs.

Sahara = desert

 

sorry far-lands, but its you that is normally a stickler for correctness! :lol:

[far-lands 11]

dunno what you are going on about ... :P

[gearbox 5]

Nice that little EDIT button! :wub:

[far-lands 11]

What ?? where ?? Can you edit posts after they have been written ??

I didn't know that !! :$

 

But nice explanation there. Maybe it will help those guys that can't spell it properly.

Not that I need such help ... :lol:

[DDBug 1,665]

It was my first time ever

And I'll never forget

I'd do it again

Without a single regret.

The sky was dark

The moon was high

We were all alone

Just she and I.

Her hair was soft

Her eyes were true

I knew just what

She wanted to do.

Her skin so soft

Her legs so fine

I ran my fingers

Down her spine.

I didn't know how

But I tried my best

I started by placing

My hands on her breast.

I remember my fear

My fast beating heart

But slowly she spread

Her legs apart.

And when I did it

I felt no shame

All at once

The white stuff came.

At last it's finished

It's all over now

My first time ever

At milking a cow...

[Columbus 2]

Remote Island Paradise

 

After years of hard work, an ambitious yuppie books himself on a Caribbean cruise. He has the time of his life until the boat sinks and he ends up on a desert island. A month later the man looks out to sea and sees a gorgeous woman rowing to shore. He asks her where she’s come from.

 

“I was shipwrecked last year,

[luckwad 1]

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

 

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

 

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

 

I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

 

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

 

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

 

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all

dear, let's go to the cashier."

 

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

 

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT?"

 

I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

 

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either...but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than she is.

[Columbus 2]

Another forward...

 

VIRUS ALERT! -- Who is affected?? Think abt this guys

 

There is a dangerous virus being passed electronically, orally and by hand.

This virus is called

Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK).

If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss or anyone else, via any means, DO NOT TOUCH IT!! This virus will wipe out your private life completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK, put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest pub. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolator-Neutralizer-Extractor (WINE). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

Update: After extensive testing it has been concluded that Best-Equivalent-Extractor-Remedy (BEER) may be substituted for WINE but may require a more generous application.

 

You should forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.

 

And the final one...

 

Great people talk about ideas, average people talk about things, small

people talk about others... But legends never talk, they FW: mails .

[Nick 29]

Art of communication!

 

In a Bangkok temple

"IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A

MAN."

 

Cocktail lounge, Norway:

LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR."

 

Doctors office, Rome:

SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

 

Dry cleaners, Bangkok:

"DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS"

 

In a Nairobi restaurant:

"CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER."

 

On Athi River highway: this is the main road to Mombasa, leaving

Nairobi.

"TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE."

 

On a poster at Kencom:

"ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP."

 

In a City restaurant in India:

"OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS."

 

A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer in Karachi, Pakistan:

"! DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS."

 

In a cemetery in Beijing, China:

"PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN

GRAVES."

 

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:

"GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS

IN BED"

 

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:

"OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR."

 

In a Tokyo bar:

"SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS."

 

Hotel, Yugoslavia:

"THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE

CHAMBERMAID"

 

! Hotel, Japan:

"YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID."

 

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:

"YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND

SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT

THURSDAY."

 

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:

"IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE

OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT

UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE."

 

Hotel, Zurich:

"BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE

SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS

PURPOSE."

 

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:

"WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?"

 

The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:

"GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE."

 

In a Swiss mountain inn:

"SPECIAL TODAY - NO ICE-CREAM."

 

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:

"WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS."

 

A laundry in Rome:

"LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A

GOOD TIME."

[Guest]

A primary school teacher starts a new job on Mersyside and, trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Liverpool fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand expect one little girl.

 

The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?"

 

"Because I'm not a Liverpool fan," she replied.

 

The teacher, still shocked, asked: "Well if you're not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?"

 

"I'm a Manchester United fan, and proud of it," Mary replied.

 

The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why pray tell, are you a United fan?"

 

"Because my mum and dad are from Manchester, and my mum is a United fan and my dad is a United fan, so I'm a United fan too!"

 

"Well," said the teacher, in a obviously annoyed tone, "that's no reason for you to be a United fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all the time. What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug dealer and car thief, what what you be then?"

 

"Then," Mary smiled, "I'd be a Liverpool fan."

[Guest]

This one goes out to bluedave:

 

A burglary was recently committed at Manchester City's ground and the entire contents of the trophy room were stolen.

 

The police are looking for a man with a light blue carpet.

[Slackmack 5]

A soldier came to a fork in the road and saw a nun standing there.

 

He asked her, "Please Sister, may I hide under your skirts for a few minutes? I'll explain WHY later".

 

The nun agreed to his request.

 

A short time later, two Military Police (MPs) came running along and asked if she had seen a soldier running down the road.

 

She replied. "He went that way.

 

After the MPs disappeared, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, I can't thank you enough sister, but you see I don't want to go to Iraq.

 

The nun said she could fully understand his fear.

 

The soldier added, I hope you don't think me rude or impertinent, but you have the most beautiful pair of legs I've ever seen!

 

The nun replied, If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen the most beautiful pair of balls you've ever seen! I don't want to go to Iraq either.!!

[gearbox 5]

 

[eriiki tubbs 5]

An old Indian Chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two U. S. Government officials sent to interview him.

 

"Chief Two Eagles" asked one Official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."

 

The Chief nodded in agreement.

The Official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The Chief stared at the Government Officials for over a minute and then calmly replied, "When white man found the land, Indians were running it."

 

"No taxes."

"No debt."

"Plenty buffalo."

"Plenty beaver."

"Women did all the work."

"Medicine man free."

 

"Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing."

 

"All night having sex."

 

Then the Chief leaned back and smiled, "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."