Jokes

[xedthestyx 0]

Princess Diana and the Queen are being driven around the grounds of Balmoral, when the Land Rover is stopped by a robber. He tells the Queen to wind down her window and hand over all her money. ‘I’m the richest woman in the world,’ replies the Queen. ‘I have no need for money.’ So the robber turns to Diana and demands she hands over all her jewellery. ‘I’m the most beautiful woman in the world,’ replies Di. ‘I have no need for jewellery.’ The robber decides to cut his losses and so steals the Land Rover instead. When he’s gone, the Queen asks Diana where she hid all her jewellery. ‘Well,’ says Diana, ‘when I saw him approaching, I stuffed it all up my fanny. Why, what did you do with all the money you were carrying?’ ‘Same thing,’ says the Queen. ‘When I saw him approaching, I stuffed all the cash up my fanny.’ ‘It’s a pity Fergie wasn’t here,’ says Diana. ‘Otherwise we could have saved the Land Rover as well.’

[xedthestyx 0]

One morning, a stud farm owner receives a visit from a midget wanting to buy a horse.

It soon becomes obvious that the dwarf has a bad speech impediment.

‘Can I view a female horth?’ he asks. Dutifully, the owner leads one out, and shows the midget the hoofs and legs.

‘That’th a thtrong looking beatht, for thure,’ says the gnomic breeder, nodding his head. ‘Can I thee her mouf?’

Confused as to how the tiny man will ride the animal, the farmer still picks up the midget by his braces and shows him the horse’s mouth.

‘Nith, healthy-looking horth,’ agrees the midget. ‘Now move me awownd to her eerth …’

Now getting annoyed, the owner lifts up the midget one more time to look at the ears. ‘Finally,’ says the Lilliputian, ‘can I see her twat?’

With that, the owner picks up the midget and shoves his head into the horse's vagina. He pulls him out after a minute, and the tiny man stumbles around, dazed.

‘Perhapth I thould rephrathe that,’ says the midget, shaking his head. ‘Can I thee her wun awownd?’

[xedthestyx 0]

After weeks of floating adrift in a tiny boat, two men are forlornly watching the sea for signs of a ship.

All of a sudden a huge hand emerges from the water near the boat.

It leans all the way over to the left, and then all the way over to the right. Then it happens again – moving all the way over to the left then back to the right, before slipping silently beneath the surface.

The men look at each other.

‘Christ,’ says one. ‘Did you see the size of that wave?’

[gearbox 5]

your joke

[gearbox 5]

my joke

 

George Bush meets with the Queen of England and asks her, "Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?" "Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people." Bush frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"

 

The Queen takes a sip of tea, then replies, "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle." She then pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?" Blair walks into the room. "Yes, my Queen?" The Queen smiles. "Answer me this please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?" Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers, "Well, your Majesty, that would be me." "Yes, Very good," says the Queen.

 

So Bush goes back home and asks Vice President Dick Cheney the same question. "Dick, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?" "I'm not sure," says Cheney, "let me get back to you on that one." Cheney goes to his Advisors and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he winds up in the men's room and recognizes Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall. Cheney shouts, "Colin! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" Powell yells back, "That's easy. It's me!" Cheney smiles and thanks him.

 

Then Cheney goes back to speak with Bush. "Say, Chief, I did some research and now have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell." At this Bush rises, stomps over to Cheney and angrily shouts, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"

[xedthestyx 0]

One day a man has a terrible stomach complaint and goes along to his doctor to see what can be done about it.

The doctor tells him that he is very ill, but that he can cure his condition with a course of suppositories, inserted deep into his arse every six hours.

‘Right,’ says the doctor, ‘bend over and I’ll do the first one for you.’

The man bends down and the doctor sticks the suppository deep into his hole. He then gives the man his course and sends him home.

At home six hours later the man realizes that he can’t stick the suppository far enough up his arse on his own, and he asks his wife to help him insert the slippery bullet.

After explaining to her what to do the man bends over. His wife puts one hand on her husband’s shoulder to brace herself and thrusts the suppository really hard into his arse. To her horror, the man lets out a desperate, blood-curdling scream. ‘My God!’ she cries. ‘What’s the matter? Have I hurt you?’

‘No,’ replies the man. ‘But I’ve just realized that when the doctor did it he had both hands on my shoulders.’

[Rustic_Cockney 1]

Some people don't like winter

 

[SleeplessInMunich 406]

After digging to a depth of 1000 metres last year, Scottish Scientists

found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years, and came to The

conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network a

thousand years ago.

 

Not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, English scientists dug

2000 metres and headlines in the English papers read: "English

scientists have found traces of 2000 year old optical fibres, and have

concluded that our ancestors already had an advanced high-tech digital

network a thousand years earlier than the Scots."

 

One week later, the Irish newspapers reported the following: "After

digging as deep as 5000 metres , Irish scientists have found absolutely

nothing. They have concluded that 5000 years ago, our ancestors were

already using wireless technology".

[Rizzo 16]

Copper wire was invented in Scotland resulting from two Jocks fighting over a two pence piece.

[Columbus 2]

:)

 

[andrea 19]

How does a woman hold her liquor?

.

.

.

By the ears!

 

:lol:

[Satman 5]

Jack and Jill are playing hide and seek.

 

Jill says to jack..

"if you find me, you can lick my pussy and fuck me up the arse!"

 

If you cant, I'll be in the shed!

[KazAV 1]

How do you get a fat girl into bed?

 

Piece of cake...

[KazAV 1]

Two women met for the first time since graduating from university. One asked the other, "You were always so organised at school. Have you managed to live a well-planned life up to now?"

 

"Yes," said her friend. "My first marriage was to a millionaire, my second marriage to an actor, my third marriage to a preacher and now I'm married to an undertaker."

 

Her friend asked, "What does all that have to do with a well-planned life?"

 

She replied, "One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready and four to go."

[mike_a 7]

14000 Americans were polled to find their opinions.

 

64% said yes.

34% said no.

[KazAV 1]

What did the other 2% say?

[mike_a 7]

I believe you might find the answer here.

[mike_a 7]

And if you speak french, vous pouvez apparemment faire des choses étonnantes avec un hamster, un couteau, une paille, une bombe et un rétroprojecteur.

 

NB: the link above may be offensive to people with an overly developed attachment to small furry animals. :excl:

[jamie 3]

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken lights up a smoke, turns to the egg and says smugly;

"Well I guess that answers that question."

[kev 3]

Out on the golf course with his wife, The husband says, "Twenty years ago I had a brief affair.

It meant nothing. I hope you can forgive me." His wife was hurt but said, "Dearest, those days are long gone. What we have now is far more valuable. I forgive you." They embraced and kissed.

 

On the seventeenth tee, the husband was Starting his back swing when the wife blurted out,

"I'm sorry darling, I've been so conscience- Stricken since you told me, but since we're being honest with each other, I have something to tell you also. Fifty-two years ago I had a sex change operation,

I was a man before I met you. I hope you can forgive me."

 

The husband, froze at the top of his Back swing, then threw a fit!

He slammed the driver into the ground, Kicked the ball into the woods, stormed Off the tee, pushed the golf cart over on Its side, broke the rest of his clubs One by one, then started on hers.

 

He screamed and ranted, "You liar! You cheat! You despicable deceiver! How could you?

I trusted you with all my heart and soul... ...

 

And all these years you've been playing off The ladies tees?!"