Jokes

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On the dislex... dyslekz... damn it! dyslexia subject:

 

Did you hear about the agnostic dyslexic insomniac?

 

He lay away at night wondering if there really is a Dog.

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A woman goes to see her doctor. She has a cork up her vagina. He asks her what the problem is.

 

She pulls the cork out, and out of her vagina the doctor can hear the song 'glory glory Man United'. The woman is distraught and doesn't know what to do.

 

'Don't worry madam', said the doctor. 'A lot of cunts sing that'.

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A sixteen-year-old virgin girl goes to confession.

"Father, I called a man a son-of-a-bitch yesterday."

"Why did you call him a son-of-a-bitch??" the priest asked.

"Because, father, he touched me on my arm without permission"

"Do you mean like this??" He touches her arm.

"Yes father."

"That's no reason for calling him a son-of-a-bitch."

"But father he also touched my breasts."

"You mean like this??" He touches her breasts.

"Yes father."

"That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."

"But father, he took off my clothes."

"Like this??" He takes off her clothes.

"Yes father."

"That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."

"But father he then put his you-know-what in my you-know-where."

"Like this??" He put his you-know-what in her you-know-where.

"Yes father,"

"But that's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."

 

"But father, he has AIDS."

 

"THAT SON-OF-A-BITCH!!!"

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Morris and his wife Esther went to the funfair every year. And every year, Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter."

Esther always replied, "Yes, it looks fun, Morris, but that helicopter ride is £50 - and £50 is £50."

One year later, Esther and Morris went to the fair again. Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter now, I might never get another chance."

Esther replied, "That's all very well, Morris, but that helicopter ride is £50 - and £50 is £50."

The pilot overheard the couple. He said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you. But if you say one word, it's £50."

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres. But not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "Blimey! I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"

Morris replied, "Well, I was going to say something when Esther fell out halfway through, but £50 is £50!"

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A Newfie and an American are seated next to each other on a flight from Los Angeles to New York.

 

The American asks if he would like to play a fun game.

 

The Newfie, tired, just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

 

The American persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.

 

He says, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice versa."

 

Again, the Newfie declines and tries to get some sleep.

 

The American, now worked up, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $500."

 

This gets the Newfie's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment, agrees to the game.

 

The American asks the first question, "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

 

The Newfie doesn't say a word, reaches into his wallet, pulls out a $5 bill and hands it to the American.

 

"Okay," says the American, "Your turn."

 

So the Newfie asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"

 

The American thinks about it. No answer.

 

Puzzled, he takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. No answer!

 

He taps into the air-phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress. No answer.

 

Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and co-workers. Checks the input. All to no avail!

 

Finally, a long time later, he wakes the Newfie and hands him $500.

 

The Newfie thanks him and turns back to get his sleep.

 

The American, more than a little miffed, stirs the Newfie and asks, Well, what's the answer?"

 

Without a word, the Newfie reaches into his wallet, hands the American $5, and goes back to sleep!

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As a Newcastle trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps

out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker

lowers the window, and she says, "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing

some of your load!"

 

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops

for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car,

runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if

they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi, my name is Heather, and

you are losing some of your load!"

 

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of

breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door.

 

The trucker lowers the window. Again she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

 

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light.

 

When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back

to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says, "Hi,

my name is Kevin, its winter in Newcastle, and I'm driving a f*****g

Gritter!!!

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A duck walks into a pub and says to the barman: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we have no bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we haven't got any f*#@ing bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, are you deaf, we haven't got any f*#@ing bread, ask me again and I'll nail your f*#@ing beak to the bar you irritating bastard bird!"

Duck says: "Got any nails?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?

 

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks: "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says: "About 2 hours." The guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks: "How long before I can get a haircut? " The barber looks around at shop full of customers and says: "About 3 hours." The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says: "About an hour and half." The guy leaves.

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says: "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then doesn't come back."

A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"

Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says: "Your house!"

 

A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collided in the Atlantic ocean. Apparently all of the survivors were marooned.

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The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After

all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there

were 3 finalists... 2 men and a woman.

 

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men

to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know

that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the

circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair.

"Kill her!!!"

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could

never shoot my wife."

The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for

this job. Take your wife and go home."

 

The second man was given the same instructions.

He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about

five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes.

"I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

 

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given

the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into

the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another.

They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.

After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood

the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded with

blanks", she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

 

Moral: Never put a woman to the test.

TWELVE

Subject: Training

 

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male

buffalo with the other and says to the waiter, "Want coffee."

 

The waiter says, "Sure Chief, coming right up."

 

He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. After drinking the coffee down in

one gulp, the Indian turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, then

just walks out.

 

The next morning the man returns. He has his shotgun in one hand pulling

another male buffalo with the other.

 

He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Want coffee."

 

The waiter says, "Whoa, Buddy! We're still cleaning up your mess from

yesterday. What the heck was all that about, anyway?"

 

The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Training for upper management position.

Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up,

disappear for rest of day."

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Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until,

one day, he comes across a Harley with a for sale sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10

years old. It is shiny and in absolutely mint condition. He

immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in

such great condition for 10 years.

 

"Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever

the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on

the chrome. It protects it from the rain." And he hands Joe

a jar of Vaseline.

 

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet

her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. But just

before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have

to tell you something about my family before we go in. When

we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who

says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."

 

"No problem," he says. And in they go.

 

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room

is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge

stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor,

everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.

 

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the

situation. So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a

word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody

says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off,

throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front

of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad

is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back

down, but no one says a word.

 

He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body", he thinks. So

he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has

his way with her every which way right there on the dinner

table. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling,

but still, total silence.

 

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts

to rain.

 

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from

his pocket.

 

Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, "All

right, enough - I'll do the fucking dishes!"

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A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to

yell and scream, "Where did you get that car???!!!" He calmly told them, "I

bought it today." "With what money?" demanded his parents. We know what a

Porsche costs." "Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars." So

the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for

fifteen dollars?" they said. "It was the lady up the street," said the boy.

I don't know her name-they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike

and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars." "Oh my

Goodness," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what

she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on." So

the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and

found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced himself as

the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and

demanded to know why she did it. "Well," she said, "this morning I got a

phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but learned

from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really

doesn't intend to come back. He claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell

his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did." (Are women good or

what)?

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Haven't posted a joke in a while. Here is one.

 

The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven...which part of your body goes first?"

Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."

"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?

Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first."

"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your feet."

The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. "Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?"

Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, "Oh ! God, I'm coming!"

"If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."

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Don't assume?

When you do, you end up making an ASS out of U and ME!

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Millennia Year Application Software System

 

This memo is to announce the development of a new software system which will be Year 2000 compliant. This program is known as "Millennia Year Application Software System" or "MYASS".

 

Next Monday there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS.

 

We have not addressed networking aspects yet, so currently only one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands.

Some employees have begun using the program already. This morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS.

 

Some of the less technical people may be somewhat afraid of MYASS. Last week my secretary said to me, "I'm a little nervous, I never put anything in MYASS before."

 

I helped her through the first time and afterward she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing again, and was even ready to kiss MYASS.

 

There have been concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial installation, but the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS.

 

This database will encompass all information associated with the business. As you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want in MYASS.

 

As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace for a supervisor to hand work to an employee and say, "here, stick this in MYASS."

It will be a great day when we need data quickly and our employees can respond, "Here it is, I just pulled it out of MYASS."

 

Scotsman

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There's a guy who lives in Ohio. One morning, he hears a voice in

his head. The voice says, "Quit your job, sell your house, take

all your money, and go to Las Vegas."

He ignores the voice.

Later in the day, he hears the voice again. "Quit your job, sell

your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas."

 

Again, he ignores the voice.

Soon he hears the voice every minute of the day. "Quit your job,

sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas."

He can't take it anymore. He believes the voice. He quits his

job, sells his house, takes all his money, and flies to Las

Vegas.

 

As soon as he steps off the plane, the voice says, "Go to

Caesar's Palace."

 

He goes to Caesar's Palace.

 

The voice says, "Make your way to the roulette table."

 

He goes to the roulette table.

 

The voice says, "Put all your money on RED 23."

 

He puts all his money on RED 23.

 

The dealer spins the wheel.

 

It comes up BLACK 17.

 

The voice says "Shit!!"

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i couldnt find the sardar jokes thread...so here are some..

 

Sardar's wish :when i die,i wana die lik my grandpa who died peacefuly in his

sleep not screaming like all d passengers in d car he was driving..

 

Sardar at an Art Gallery: I suppose this horrible looking thing is what you call modern art ?

Art dealer: I beg your pardon sir, that’s a mirror!

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Ferrari Fires Pit Crew

(reuters)

 

Melbourne, Tuesday

 

The Ferrari Formula 1 Team fired their entire pit crew yesterday. The announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the Australian Government's Youth Opportunity scheme and employ people from Frankston.

 

The decision to hire them was brought on by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from the Frankston area were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew can only do it in 8 seconds with millions of euros worth of high-tech equipment.

 

John Howard went on record as saying this was a bold move by the Ferrari management, which demonstrated the international recognition of Australia's employment practices under his Liberal government. As most races are won and lost in the pits, Ferrari now have an advantage over every team.

 

However, Ferrari may have got more than they bargained for...At the crew's first practice session, the Frankston pit crew successfully changed the tyres in under 6 seconds, and then within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged, and sold the vehicle to the McLaren team for a slab of VB, a kilogram of speed and some photos of Montoya's girlfriend in the shower.

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Apologies, don't mind if this doesn't get appreciated...

 

Just having a dead day at work - need to humour myself.

 

What I've Learned From Watching P0rn

 

1. Women wear high heels to bed.

 

2. Men are never impotent.

 

3. When going down on a woman 10 seconds is more than satisfactory.

 

4. If a woman gets busted masturbating by a strange man, she will not scream

with embarrassment, but rather insist he have sex with her.

 

5. Women enjoy having sex with ugly, middle-aged men.

 

6. Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blowjob.

 

7. Women always have orgasms when men do.

 

8. A blowjob will always get a woman off a speeding ticket.

 

9. All women are noisy fucks.

 

10. People in the 70's couldn't fuck unless there was a wild guitar solo in

the background.

 

11. Men always groan "OH YEAH!" when they cum.

 

12. Asian men don't exist.

 

13. If you come across a guy and his girlfriend having sex in the bushes,

the boyfriend won't bash the shit out of you if you shove your

cock in his girlfriend's mouth.

 

14. Nurses suck patients' cocks.

 

15. Men always pull out.

 

16. When your girlfriend busts you getting head from her best friend, she'll

only be momentarily pissed off before fucking the both of you.

 

17. Women never have headaches... or periods.

 

18. When a woman is s*uking a man's cock, it's important for him to

remind her to "suck it".

 

19. Arseholes are clean.

 

20. Men don't have to beg.

 

21. When standing during a blowjob, a man will always place one hand firmly

on the back of the kneeling woman's head and the other proudly on his

hip.

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I had three girlfriends, but wasn't sure which one to marry. So I decided to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spends it.

 

The first one went out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and comes back to my place and says, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much." I was very touched and aroused, and we had lots of great sex.

 

The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and brings them back to me as gifts. This sweet girl looked into my eyes and said, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much." I watched my new television with great enjoyment!

 

The third one takes the $5000 and invested it in the stock market, doubled her investment, returns the original $5000 to me and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much." She has enough to buy me a new boat.

 

I thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money and decided to marry the one with the biggest tits.

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One day, a husband and wife were out playing golf. The husband was having trouble teaching his wife how to play, as she was quite bad.

 

As the wife took her shot, she aimed it badly and the ball went right through the window of a nearby house.

 

"Now look what your lack of skills has gotten us into! We will have to go up there and apoligise!" proclaimed the husband.

 

The couple knocked on the door, and it was opened by a young man in his thirties. The couple saw the broken window, and a broken bottle near it.

"I'm terribly sorry about your window", said the husband. "What can we do?"

 

"Well", replied the man, "i must thank you. You see, I'm a genie and have been trapped in that bottle for over 500 years. So, as your genie, you have 3 wishes. But, if you wouldnt mind, I would like to keep one for myself?"

 

The husband and wife pondered this, and thought it acceptable.

 

"Fantastic", proclaimed the genie. "So, what are your wishes?"

 

The husband replied, "I would like 10 million pounds a year for the rest of my life".

 

"No problem", said the Genie. "And i will give you a long and healthy life too!"

 

It was the wife's turn. "I would like a mansion in every country in the world, complete with servants."

 

"No problem", said the Genie. "And i will keep your home safe from bad weather and burgalars! And now for my wish. I have been stuck in that bottle for a very long time, and have forgotten what it feels like to be with a woman. If i could just spend some time with you, to fulfil my needs?"

 

The husband and wife pondered this and the wife asked her husband, "Honey, what do you think?"

"Well sweetheart, I think it's O.K. I love you, and would do the same for you."

 

So after an afternoon of the genie and wife enjoying and pleasuring each other, the Genie asked the wife, "How old are you and your husband?"

"We're both in our thirties. Why?" she replied.

"Wow, thirty years old, and you both still believe in genies?"

 

How Do you surprise Helen Keller?

 

Leave the plunger in the toilet.

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