Jokes

[MarkJC 0]

Sorry if any Catholics are offended by the cartoon of Moses (Don't want to be stirring anyone else up now do we!)

 

[MarkJC 0]

[MarkJC 0]

[MarkJC 0]

[MarkJC 0]

[mandrax 55]

A guy walks into a gay bar and asks the barman for a double entendre, so the barman gave him one.

[bbulldog 6]

:lol: some good ones here

[zeotype 1]

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position.

 

The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that asked "WHERE AM I?" in large letters.

 

People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window.Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

 

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.

 

"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

[zeotype 1]

BEER THEORIES

 

Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think, "It is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."

~ Babe Ruth

 

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "

~ Lyndon B. Johnson

 

"An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools."

~ Ernest Hemingway

 

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."

~ Paul Hornung

 

"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."

~ H. L. Mencken

 

"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"

~ George Bernard Shaw

 

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."

~ Benjamin Franklin

 

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."

~ Dave Barry

 

BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B.C.!

~ W. C. Fields

 

Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser.

~ Professor Irwin Corey

 

To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!

~ Leo Durocher

 

One night at Cheers, Cliff Clavin explained the" Buffalo Theory" to his buddy Norm:

 

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.! In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine! That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

[Whizz 0]

He related to the gay milkman? I heard he never left an empty behind

[iain 141]

SAN FRANCISCO MAN BECOMES FIRST AMERICAN TO GRASP SIGNIFICANCE OF SARCASM

Chuck Fullmer, 38, yesterday became the first American to get to grips with the concept of sarcasm. "It was weird" Fullmer said. "I was in London and like, talking to this guy and it was raining and he pulled a face and said, "Great weather eh?" and I thought - "Wait a minute, no way is it great weather". Fullmer then realised that the other man's 'mistake' was in fact deliberate. Fullmer, who is 39 next month and married with two children, aged 8 and 3, plans to use sarcasm himself in future. "I'm, like, using it all the time" he said. "Last weekend I was grilling steaks and I burned them and I said "Hey, great weather."

[iain 141]

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello". "Mrs. Ward, please." "Speaking." "Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible."

 

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously. "Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's."

 

"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Ward. "Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time."

 

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?" "The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

[iain 141]

A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job. The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?" The young man answered "Yeah, I was a salesman back home." The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.

 

His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "Okay, so how many sales did you make today?" The Aussie said "One." The manager groaned and continued "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day." "How much was the sale for?" "124, 237.64. pounds."

 

The manager choked and exclaimed "124,237.64 POUNDS?! What the hell did you sell him?" "Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engined Power Cat."

 

"Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x 4 Suzuki".

 

The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me a guy came In here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and 4x4?" "No no no... He came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said... Well, since your weekend's fucked, you might as well go fishing!!!

[bbulldog 6]

OK this is in German but most of us understand it.

 

[MarkJC 0]

I am posting this to you to warn you of something that happened to me, as I have become a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.

 

I don't know if you shop at Tesco's, but this may be useful to know as this happened to me at Tesco's in Hall Green on Stratford Road and it could happen to you.

 

Here's how the scam works…..

 

Two seriously good-looking 18-year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping in the boot. They both start wiping your windscreen with a rag and Windolene, with their bre@sts almost falling out of their skimpy t-shirts.

 

It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No Thanks' and instead ask you for a ride to Sainsbury's in Marshal Lake on Stratford Road. You know you shouldn't but you agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start having s@x with each other.

 

Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs s@x on you, while the other one steals your wallet.

 

I had my wallet stolen last Tuesday, Wednesday, twice on Thursday, again on Saturday, and also yesterday.

 

Keep a careful eye out, they may not be there for much longer.

 

Remember… keep them peeled.

[mandrax 55]

The wife comes home early and finds her husband in their master bedroom making love to a beautiful young woman...

"You unfaithful, disrespectful pig! How dare you do this to me - the faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you, I want a divorce!"

 

The husband, replies "Wait, Wait a minute! Before you leave, at least listen to what happened"

 

"Fine, but it'll be the last words you say to me you unfaithful pig!"

 

The husband begins to tell his story . . .

"While driving home this young lady asks for a ride.

 

I saw her so defenseless that I went ahead and allowed her in my car. I noticed that she was very thin, not welldressed and very dirty.

 

She mentioned that she had not eaten for 3 days.

With great compassion and hurt, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas that I made for you last night that you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll gain weight.

 

Poor thing, practically devours them.

Since she was very dirty I asked her to take a shower. While she was showering, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I

threw her clothes away.

 

Since she needed clothes, I gave her the pair of jeans that you have had for a few years, that you can no longer wearbecause they are too tight on you, I also gave her the blouse that I gave you on our anniversary and you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

 

I gave her the pullover that my sister gave you for Christmas that you will not wear just to bother my sister and I also gave her the boots that you bought at the expensive boutique that you never wore again after you saw your co-worker wearing the same pair."

 

"The young woman was very grateful to me and I walked her to the door.

 

When we got to the door she turned around and with tears coming out ofher eyes, she asks me:

 

"Sir, do you have anything else that your wife does not use?"

[mandrax 55]

-------------------------------PRESS RELEASE---------------------------------

Halifax Building Society is very pleased to announce that they are installing new "Drive Thru" Cash Dispensers.

To enable customers to gain maximum benefit from this new facility they have conducted intensive behavioural studies to come up with the appropriate procedures for their use.

 

AS FOLLOWS:

 

Procedures for MALE customers

 

1. Drive up to the cash machine

2. Wind down your car window

3. Insert your card into machine and enter PIN

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw

5. Retrieve card, cash, and receipt

6. Wind up window

7. Drive off

 

Procedures for FEMALE customers

 

1. Drive up to the cash machine

2. Reverse the required distance to align car window with cash machine

3. Re-start the stalled engine

4. Wind down the window

5. Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat to find card

6. Turn the radio down

7. Attempt to insert card into machine

8. Open car door to allow easier access to cash machine due to its excessive distance from the car

9. Insert card

10. Re-insert card the right way up

11. Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN number written on the inside back page

12. Enter PIN

13. Press "cancel", and re-enter correct PIN

14. Enter amount of cash required

15. Check make-up in rear view mirror

16. Retrieve cash and receipt

17. Empty handbag again, to locate purse and place cash inside

18. Place receipt in back of chequebook

19. Re-check make-up

20. Drive forward 2 metres

21. Reverse back to cash machine

22. Retrieve card

23. Re-empty handbag, locate card holder, and place card into slot provided

24. Restart stalled engine and pull off

25. Drive for 2 to 3 miles

26. Release handbrake.

[Neil373 2]

It's funny how, as we get older, our priorities change. The other morning I awoke to see my wife standing beside the bed, dressed in very skimpy underwear and holding several pieces of velvet rope.

"Tie me up and you can do anything you want", she purred.

So I tied her up and went fishing.

 

Relationships are sometimes difficult to handle.

It's like a full time job, and we should treat it as one: if your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, he/she should give you two weeks notice and, they should organize you a TEMP!!!

[Columbus 2]

SO INNOCENT!

 

A three-year-old walked up to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctor's office.

 

He inquisitively asked the lady, "Why is your stomach so big?"

 

She replied, "I'm having a baby."

 

With big eyes, he asked, "Is the baby in your stomach?"

 

She answered, "He sure is."

 

Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked, "Is it a good baby?"

 

She said, "Oh, yes. It's a real good baby."

 

With an even more surprised and shocked look he asked, "Then why did you eat him?"

:)

[Schotte 1,403]

Alex McLeish is desperate to turn round the flagging fortunes of the

Rangers team.

He hits upon the idea to study the coaching methods of George Burley at

Southampton, as the ex-Hearts manager had such a good record in the SPL.

 

So Big Eck heads down south to take in a Southampton training session

but sees nothing

that Rangers don't do in their workouts.

When they break for lunch Eck has a quiet word with Burley,

"How did you manage to get the Hearts boys in such good condition that

you were able to stay

top of the league ahead of they tattie howkers for so long?".

"Well I train them mentally as well as physically" Burley explains."I

keep them on their toes by asking them

tough questions that make them think deeply. This keeps them alert and

their reflexes razor sharp.

Let me give you an example." He calls over Nigel Quashie and asks him a

question .

"Nigel" he says "He is not your brother, but still he is your father's

son. Who is he?".

Like lightning Nigel replies "That's easy. Of course, the answer is me".

Burley pat's Nigel on the back and sends him away. "You see Alex" he

says, that's the way to keep them sharp."

Big Eck returns to Castle Greyskull and decides to try this at training the

next

day.

He summons wee Barry over and says "Barry, I have a question for you".

"Fire away gaffer" Barry replies.

So Eck continues "He is not your brother, but still he is your father's

son. Who is he?".

Barry blows out his cheeks, runs his hands through his hair and thinks

long and hard

"Eh...ah'm no' sure boss, it's a bit early in the mornin fur a tough

question like that.

Kin ah get back tae ye?"

Big Eck agrees to give him till the end of the training session to come

up with the answer.

Bazza has a crafty idea and goes up to Thomas Buffel and puts the

question to him:

"He is not your brother, but still he is your father's son. Who is he?".

Without hesitation Buffel replies "The answer is obvious, that is me".

At the end of training Eck summons wee Barry and asks him "So,have you

worked out the answer yet?".

"Yes" says Barry, full of confidence and chest pushed out with pride

"The answer is Thomas Buffel".

Big Eck throws his arms up in frustration... "Naw ya wee fannie!!"...

"the answer is Nigel Quashie!"