Jokes

[bbulldog 6]

What do Viagra And Disney Land have in common?

 

They both cause you to stand around for an hour waiting for a two minute ride!!

[maaph 3]

A man was driving down the motorway at 65mph, when he is overtaken by a chicken .. with three legs!.

 

He speeds up to see if he can get a closer look, pulling level with the chicken at 80 mph. However, before he can get past, the chicken accelerates away, leaving him in a trail of soft, downy feathers.

 

Not to be outdone, the guy puts his foot down, reaching 100mph, but still can't get past the bird.

 

All of a sudden, the chicken sticks out a wing and darts for the exit. The man follows through twisty country lanes, in an amazing high speed chase, that ends only when the the chicken disappears into a farmyard.

 

He pulls in, and spots a farmer.

 

"Excuse me, is that your 3-legged chicken?" he asks.

 

"Argh, 'appen it be!", replies the farmer.

 

"That's the most amazing thing I've ever seen - where'd you get it?"

 

"Well it do be loike this .. Oi breed 'em meself. Ya see, Oi loike a leg, Ma loikes a leg too, an' me son do loike a leg an' orl!"

 

"Flipping brilliant" says the man, "and how do they taste?"

 

"Oi dunno, never caught one!"

[far-lands 11]

Why do women have legs?

 

I'll let you lot think about this one, and post the answer later...

[gearbox 5]

to stop them leaving trails behind them?

[far-lands 11]

jaygee, you're too good at it ...

 

What do you do if you see a fire man?

 

put it out !!

[far-lands 11]

teacher asked the kids in school "class who can do the best farmyard impression?"

 

little laura stands up "moo moo" miss

 

"good girl"

 

little robert stands up "baa baa" miss

 

"good boy"

 

little helen stands up "grunt grunt" miss

 

"good girl"

 

little tommy from Somerset stands up and says

 

"GET OFF MY FUCKING TRACTOR"

[gearbox 5]

 

What do you do if you see a fire man?

 

put it out !!

put it out man!

[far-lands 11]

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is packed to the rafters. In his bid to break the ice with the audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request.

 

A little old man in the front row jumps up and shouts "Play a Jazz Chord! Play a Jazz Chord!"

 

Stevie's chuffed that there is an appreciation for jazz in the audience so tinkles out an Eflat9 with a diminished fifth arpeggio and proceeds to improvise around it brilliantly for ten minutes or so.

 

When he finishes the place goes wild but the old man continues to shout "No, no, play a Jazz Chord! Play a Jazz Chord!"

 

Stevie, a little vexed, but being a professional counts his band in and they proceed to weave a complex musical web of be-bop scales over D9sus4 for twenty minutes or so.

 

The roar of approval from the public is deafening, but the old man leaps out of his seat and continues to shout "No, no, play a Jazz Chord! Play a Jazz Chord!"

 

Stevie's had about as much as he can take and says to the old man, "You come up here and do it".

 

So the old boy clambers up onto the stage, grabs the mike and starts to sing...

 

..."A jazz chord to say I ruv you..." Geddit!!???!

[gearbox 5]

teacher wants to hear from the kids an animal begining with A

little jonnys hand shoots up!

but the teacher remembers that jonny can be a bit rude at times and asks emma

 

ape says emma, good girl replies teacher. jonny was`nt happy.

and an animal begining with B asks teacher,

 

Jonnys hand shoots in the air, me miss me miss. no, thinks teacher, and asks dean.

Bat says dean. good boy, this goes on till Y and no one knows except jonny.

 

me miss miss me screams jonny.

teacher think damm, awell, yes jonny

 

jonny replies Yak miss.

teacher say well done jonny,

 

jonny: "yeah Yak with f*ck*ng normas B*LLl*CKS miss

[far-lands 11]

One day God calls down to Noah and says, "Noah me old china, I want you

 

to make me a new Ark".

 

Noah replies, "No probs God, me old Supreme Being anything you want

 

after all you're the guv'... "

 

But God interrupts, "Ah, but there's a catch. This time Noah, I want not

 

just a couple of decks, . . I want 20 decks one on top of the other".

 

"20 DECKS!", screams Noah. "Well, OK Big Man, whatever you say. Should I

 

fill it up with all the animals just like last time?"

 

"Yep, that's right, well . .. sort of right . . this time I want you to

 

fill it up with fish", God answers.

 

"Fish?", queries Noah "Yep, fish . . well, to make it more specific

 

Noah, I want carp - wall to wall, floor to ceiling -Carp!"

 

Noah looks to the skies. "OK God my old mucker, let me get this right,

 

you want a New Ark?"

 

"Check".

 

"With 20 decks, one on top of the other?".

 

"Check".

 

"And you want it full of Carp?".

 

"Check"

 

"Why?" asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely getting to the

 

end of his tether...

 

"Dunno", says God, "I just fancied a Multi-Storey Carp Ark".

[bbulldog 6]

these jokes are getting worse...

[far-lands 11]

you're right Bbully, so lets make them even worse ...

 

# What is a dentist's favorite musical instrument?

# A tuba toothpaste. :lol:

[bbulldog 6]

ive been to that site too

 

What do you say when a dog runs away?

 

Dog-gone!

[Loopy 5]

I'm sure the topic description for this thread reads

the funnier the better

:rolleyes:

[Rustic_Cockney 1]

but rules were made to be broken... :ph34r:

[Loopy 5]

you rebel Rustic :ph34r:

[bbulldog 6]

what rules :lol:

[Tim Hortons Man 543]

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals,

but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male

animal is punishable by death.

(*Like THAT makes sense*.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's

genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during

the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

(*Do they look different reversed*?)

*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse.

This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased

must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.

(*A brick*??)

*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.

(*Much worse than "going blind*!")

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the

countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the

privilege of having sex for the first time... Reason: under Guam law, it

is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.

(*Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else

in the world that even comes close to this*?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her

adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The

husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.

(*Ah! Justice*!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in

tropical fish stores.

( *But of course*!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband,

and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to

witness the act.

(*Makes one shudder at the thought*.)

*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~*

 

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with

a woman and her daughter at the same time.

(*I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass

this law*?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines

with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending

machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for

consumption on the premises."

(*Is this a great country or what? Not as great as Guam*!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

(*Who volunteers for this stuff*?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for

pleasure.

(*Is that why Flipper was always smiling*?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its

own weight and always falls over on its right side when

intoxicated.

(*From drinking little bottles of* ..?)

(*Did the govt. pay for this research*?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

Butterflies taste with their feet.

(*Ah, geez.*)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

 

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(*I know some people like that*.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

Starfish don't have brains.

(*I know some people like that, too*.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

*And, the best for last...*

Turtles can breathe through their butts.

(*Do you think they have bad breath*?)

[Guest]

My Mexican friend emailed it to me, I thought it was funny.

 

WHY LATINOS CAN'T BE TERRORISTS...

 

1. 8:45 am is too early for us to be up.

 

2. We are always late, we would have missed all 4 flights.

 

3. Pretty people on the plane distract us.

 

4. We would talk loudly and bring attention to ourselves.

 

5. With food and drinks on the plane, we would forget why we're

there.

 

6. We talk with our hands, therefore we would have to put our

weapons down.

 

7. We would ALL want to fly the plane.

 

8. We would argue and start a fight in the plane.

 

9. We can't keep a secret, we would have told everyone a week before

doing it.

 

10. We would have put our country's flag on the windshield.

[MarkJC 0]

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names: a trade name and generic name.

For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

 

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

 

Pfizer Corp. announced today that VIAGRA will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.

 

Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink." Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: "MOUNT &

DO."