Jokes

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An ugly woman walks into a shop with her two kids.

The shopkeeper asks, "Are they twins"?

The woman replies, "No, actually he's 9 years old and she has only just turned 8.

Why? Do you think they look alike?"

"No", he replies, "I just can't f...king believe you got sh**gged twice"

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well if I`m gonna get a ban, then I`m off in style!

 

Q: What's brown and sounds like a bell?

A: Dung!

 

Q: Have you heard about the new corderoy pillows?

A: They're making headlines!

 

These two strings go into a bar, and ask for a drink. The bartender says, "Hey, I don't serve your kind here, you're just a couple of strings!" One of the strings ties his ends together and says, "Frayed knot!" Get it? Frayed knot? Oh wait, maybe that's not how it goes, it's...hey, wait! Come back!

 

Q: How do you keep a moron in suspense?

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yeah, you`ve got me going now!

 

heres me chat up lines, might be helpful next weekend

 

 

Hi my name is JayGee, remember it, cause you'll be screaming it all night long!!!

 

You are like KFC... a hot bird with a greasy box.

 

Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?

 

I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your Bed Rock.

 

I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.

 

If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.

 

If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.

 

I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house.

 

If your left leg was Thanksgiving and your right leg Christmas, can I visit you between the Holidays?

 

Just call me milk, I'll do your body good.

 

Your body's name must be Visa, because it's everywhere I want to be.

 

My love for you is like the energizer bunny, it keeps going and coming and going and coming and going and coming ...

 

I'd like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me to it.

 

Is that Windolene? Because I can see myself in your pants.

 

Hey baby, what's your sign? Caution, slippery when wet, dangerous curves ahead ... yield?

 

Was your dad a farmer? Cause you sure have great melons.

 

 

he offered his honour,

she honoured his offer,

and all night long it was

Honour and Offer

 

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Lets see if I can post a worse joke than Far-lands

 

A guy is driving around Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a house:

 

"Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there.

 

"You talk?" he asks.

 

"Yep," the Lab replies.

 

"So, what's your story?"

 

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young.

I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they

had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because

no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight

years running."

 

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided

to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near

suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a

batch of medals."

 

"I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

 

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

 

"Ten dollars," the guy says.

 

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

 

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that sh * t." ;)

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Right then can`t be fired a? then take this!

 

I was doing some experiments in the laboratory the other day.

 

I dipped a gazelle in some Nitric acid - it melted but nothing too exciting happened.

 

I sprinkled shrimps into Sulphur - they got burnt slightly, but it wasn't that spectacular.

 

I then dropped a Panda into some Ammonia - suddenly, there was pandemonium everywhere!

 

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is this see who can post the worst joke :D

 

Gorilla walks into a pub and orders a pint and a packet of crisps. He pays with a 20 pound note and gets 5 pound change. Drinks his beer and eats his crisps and leaves. The next day he comes back in and orders a pint of beer and a packet of crisps. Pays with a 20 pound note and gets 5 pounds back. The barkeepers wondering why a gorilla goes into a pubs starts talking to the gorills. 'Hi' says the barman, 'hi' says the gorilla. The barman ' We dont get that many gorillas in our pub' to which the gorilla replied' not surprising at the cost of a beer here"

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STOP! STOP! STOP! STOP! STOP!

 

 

 

I will hear no more

 

BUT I will have the last word

 

a bit of concrete goes in a pub, orders a beer.

all of a sudden a bit of motorway in the corner screams to the barman:

 

"Don`t serve him, he`s a cycle path"

 

Its the way I tell em

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Sorry, I couldn't resist this one...

 

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One goes to a

family in Egypt and is named Amahl while the other goes to a family in

Spain and is named Juan.

Years later Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother and upon receiving the picture she tells her husband she wishes she also had a picture of Amahl.

"But they're twins," says her husband, "If you've seen Juan you've seen Amahl. :ph34r:

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going a bit off subject here far-lands, that was quite funny :D

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An old cowboy sat down at Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves,bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."

 

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."

The two sat sipping in silence.

 

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

 

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian

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While interviewing an anonymous SAS soldier on his sniper skills, a Reuters News agent asked the soldier what he felt when shooting members of Al Qaeda in Afghanistan.

 

The soldier shrugged and replied, "Recoil."

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One day two very loving parents got into a huge fight, the man called the women a "bitch" and the women called the man a "bastard".

 

Their son walked in and said "What does bitch and bastard mean?" and the parents replied "ladies and gentlemen".

 

The next day the parents decided to have sex, the women said "feel my titties" and the man said "feel my dick".

 

Their son walked in and asked "What does titties and dick mean?" and the parents replied "hats and coats".

 

On Thanksgiving the dad was shaving and he cut himself, "Shit" he said, the kid came in and asked "What's that mean" and the man said it was the brand shaving cream he was using.

 

Down stairs the mom was preparing the turkey, and she cut herself, "Fuck" she said. Once again the kid asked "What's that mean" the mom said that is what she calls stuffing the turkey.

 

Then the door bell rang. The kid answered the door to his relatives and said "Alright you bitches and bastards, put your dicks and titties in the closet, my dad is upstairs wiping the shit off his face, and my mom is in the kitchen fucking the turkey!

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