Jokes

[Dusty 15]

 

Sorry, I have a technical question and I don't know, if this is the right place to post it.

 

I have a problem with the reception of my handsfree set and I can't find the answer to the problem.

 

Perhaps one of you can help me with this model. I've attached a picture.

 

Try using an external antenna :D

[sarabyrd 18,767]

This year, Groundhog Day and the State of the Union Address fall on the same day. As Air America Radio pointed out,

"It is an ironic juxtaposition: one is nothing but a meaningless ritual in which we look to a creature of little intelligence for prognostication, and the other involves a groundhog."

 

P.S. Don't forget to play State of the Union Shots: Chose 5 key words which will be used in the speech and have a shot each time Dubyah says them.

[Tim Hortons Man 543]

I don't look good naked anymore

 

http://www.goodolddogs.com/older.html

 

Beer is good for you

 

http://www.brackenspub.com/beer.swf

 

How true it is

[Rustic_Cockney 1]

Cardiff Zoo had acquired a female of a very rare species of Gorilla.

 

Within a few weeks, the gorilla became very cantankerous and difficult to handle.

 

Upon examination, the Zoo vet determined the problem - the gorilla was on heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available.

 

While reflecting on their problem, the Zoo management noticed Gareth, a big Welsh lad from Swansea, responsible for fixing the Zoo's machinery.

 

Gareth, like most Swansea boys, had little sense, but seemed to be possessed with ample ability to satisfy a female of ANY species. So, the Zoo Administrators thought they might have a solution.

 

Gareth was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have a shag with the gorilla for 500 pounds?

 

Gareth showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

 

The following day, Gareth announced that he would accept their offer, only under three conditions:

 

"First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her."

 

"Secondly, you must never tell anyone about this."

 

The Zoo management quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition?

 

"Well," said Gareth... "could you give me another week to come up with the 500 quid."

[Neil373 2]

A cracking selection of readers' letters from Viz

 

Hats off to the England cricketers for their achievements in the Ashes this summer, which rightly earned Andrew 'Freddie' Flintoff BBC Sports personality of the Year. Winning a two-team tournament against a nation with a much smaller population once in every ten attempts, then never shutting up about it makes me proud to be British.

Ben Hunt

 

The government tells us that we are eating too many pies and dying of heart disease, then in the next breath they're telling us we are living too long and there'll be no more pension money left for us. I wish they'd make their minds up.

John

 

'Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial says. Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30.

Colin Hill

 

I am married to a Taiwanese lady, and people often ask me if she was a mail-order bride. I find this very insensitive. The Royal Mail lose around 2 million letters and parcels each year, and to suggest that I would trust the delivery of my wife to them is insulting in the extreme. She was sent by DHL next day delivery.

L Palmer, London

 

The record companies would have us believe that the money made by CD pirates goes to fund the drug industry. But the money rock stars make from legal record sales ends up in exactly the same place. When they stop breaking the law, so will I.

P Boddington, Ringway

 

Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just like to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife's m!nge. He hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh?

P, Leeds

 

On holiday a few years back, I took part in a quiz and managed to reach the final only to lose out after what I consider to this day, to be a correct answer. The question asked 'What 'C' would you associate Jeremy Clarkson with?' to which I confidently replied '<unt'. Not only was I told the answer was incorrect, but I was asked by the holiday rep to leave the premises immediately! Has anyone else experienced such appalling treatment whilst holidaying with one's family?

Noel, Leeds

 

My friend's mum recently pointed out that I have the same ironing board cover as her. Can anyone think of a more mundane and pointless remark to make than this?

Alun Daniel

 

I'll never understand my neighbour. He has recently started wheel-clamping his own caravan when he finds he has inadvertently parked it in his own drive! I wonder if he is a sadist, a masochist or both.

Alan Thakray

 

Did anyone else feel that Mel Gibson's remake of the classic Life of Brian wasn't anywhere near as funny as the original?

 

On the BBC website, I read with interest that some scientists in Australia have discovered the smallest fish known to exist. They've obviously never been to the Britannia Chippy on the Gloucester Road

Alan J., London

 

Hats off to the American police. They arrive at Michael Jackson's Neverland ranch to arrest him a mere six months after he admits climbing into bed with young boys on worldwide TV. Perhaps they should get some faster cars.

T Barnham, London

 

Could the Home Secretary explain to me how biometric checks on iris patterns and fingerprints are going to help keep tabs on muslim cleric Abu Hamsa.

Les, Barnsley

 

How come rap artist Dr. Dre can use the 'N' word on his multi-million selling albums and win a MOBO award, yet when I used it at my son's football match I was asked to leave the park? Once again, it's one law for the rich and another for the poor.

Reg Ashcroft, Bradford

 

The government says that there are nearly 50,000 people with HIV in Britain, a third of whom do not even know that they have it. Is it just me, or is it a bit harsh that the government know and haven't told the poor sods?

John Campbell, e-mail

 

Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius.

Mike Woods, e-mail

 

With reference to that series "Manhunt" where ex-Special Forces soldiers try to hunt down Andy McNab. Why don't the producers include a couple of Iraqis in the hunting team? They found the tw*t quickly enough the last time he played hide and seek with them.

Shuggie, e-mail

 

Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with the exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo Fighters. I hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid sense of humour.

Chris Scaife, Jesmond

 

I see on the news that Lord Hutton says he is "satisfied that David Kelly took his own life". He may not have liked Dr Kelly that much, but isn't this taking gloating just a little too far?

Dave Owen, Edinburgh

 

I was extremely saddened to hear of Richard Whiteley's recent death. But I was cheered to imagine his life support machine making the famous Countdown "da-da, da-da, da-da-da-da! Booooooo!" sound as he took his final breaths.

Tripod

 

I never worry about the destination when I'm going on holiday. My dad is Iranian and my mum is Irish, so I spend most of the time in customs.

Stan

 

What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being the world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that.

Thomas J

[eurovol 126]

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

 

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

 

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

 

HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

 

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

 

HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

 

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)

 

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

 

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

 

HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

 

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

 

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

 

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

 

HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new"

 

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

 

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

 

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"

 

HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

 

WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"

 

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

[byrdbrain 1]

Three old ladies went for a tramp in the woods, but he got away.

[Inflatablewoman 34]

For the birds...

 

You're in a shoe shop, second in the queue for the till. Behind the shop assistant on the till is a pair of shoes which you have seen and which you must have.

 

The female shopper in front of you has seen them also and is eyeing them with desire. Both of you have forgotten your purses. It would be totally rude to push in front of the first woman if you had no money to pay for the shoes.

 

The shop assistant remains at the till waiting.

 

Your friend is trying on another pair of shoes at the back of the shop and sees your dilemma.

 

She prepares to throw her purse to you.

 

If she does so, you can catch the purse, then walk round the other shopper and buy the shoes.

 

At a pinch she could throw the purse ahead of the other shopper and, *whilst it is in flight* you could nip around the other shopper, catch the purse and buy the shoes.

 

Always remembering that until the purse had *actually been thrown* it would be plain wrong to be forward of the other shopper.

 

Scroll down

 

Congratulations - You have just learnt the offside rule

[bbulldog 6]

very good :D

[HollyGolightly 22]

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done there were three finalists. Two men and a woman.

 

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!!!"

The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife."

The agent said, "Then you are not the right man for the job. Take you wife and go home."

 

The second man was give the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quite for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

 

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

 

Finally it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quite. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping sweat from her brow.

 

"This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. " I had to beat him to death with the chair."

[Nicole 817]

A wealthy hospital benefactor was visiting the hospital when,

during her tour, she passed a room where a male patient was

masturbating.

 

"oh my god!" screamed the woman. "that's disgraceful!"

 

The doctor that was leading the tour explained, "this man has

a serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with

semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day , he'll be in

extreme pain and his testicles could rupture."

 

In the very next room they could see that a nurse was

performing oral sex on a different male patient.

 

Again the woman screamed "oh my god! How can that be justified?"

 

The doctor replied.. "same illness, better health plan." :lol:

[mick 1]

Where do all the tw*ts in California live?

 

In silly c**t valley

 

Well that's my one for the weekend ta ta

[Rustic_Cockney 1]

Jake was dying. His wife and relative sat solemnly by his bedside. He looked up and said weakly:

"I have something I must confess."

 

"There's no need to, " His wife replied reassuringly

 

"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace, come closer"

 

He whispers in her ear "I slept with your sister and your Mother, I'm so sorry, ashamed, but you must know the truth, my soul must rest, please forgive me"

 

"I already know" she whispered back, " now just rest and let the poison work you f...ing b...stard."

[far-lands 11]

Daddy balloon and Mummy balloon and little boy balloon were in bed. Boy balloon couldn't sleep so he thought he'd get in with mum amd dad. He tried to squeeze in but couldn't fit so he thought, "I'll let some air out of my mum" still couldn't fit in. "I'll let a bit of air out of my dad", Still couldn't fit in. He thought I darn't let any more air out of Mum and Dad so he let some air out of himself, he still couldn't squeeze in so he let a bit more air out of himself and he just squeezed in.

Next morning he woke up, went downstairs and his Dad said to him. " Sit down here son. About last night, not only did you let me down, you let your Mother down, and most of all you let yourself down.

[far-lands 11]

Mrs Jones was reading a letter at breakfast.

suddenly she looked up suspiciously at her husband. henry she said Ive just received a letter from mother saying she isnt accepting our invitation to come and stay as we do not appear to want her.what does she mean by that .i told you to write and say that she was to come at her own convenience you did write didnt you. er yes i did said the husband but i couldn,t spell convenience so i made it risk :D

[far-lands 11]

One night aburglar is trying to break into a house. He's sneaking across the lawn when he hears a voice:

Jesus is watching you!!! He jumps, turns around, but he doesn't see anything. So he starts creeping across the lawn again. Jesus is watching you!!! he hears again. So now the burglar has a really good look around, and sees a parrot in a cage in the corner. He says to the parrot: "Did you say that?? " The parrot answers "yes" , so the burglar asked "What's your name ??" The parrot says: " Clarence " The burglar laughs and replies: "What stupid idiot names his parrot clarence?? ". The parrot laughs and says: "The same stupid idiot that named his rottweiler jesus !!" :lol:

[gearbox 5]

can we ban far-lands from this sub forum? :lol:

[far-lands 11]

 

can we ban far-lands from this sub forum?

Why ?? They are not that bad are they ???

[gearbox 5]

Or feed him to jesus

I did laugh at that last joke!

so maybe not so harsh with a ban!

[gearbox 5]

now! If its good jokes your after then...

 

What do you do if you see a spaceman?

 

Park the car man!