Jokes

[Nicole 817]

Points to Ponder

 

Number 10: Life is sexually transmitted.

 

Number 9: Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

 

Number 8: Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

 

Number 7: Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

 

Number 6: Some people are like a Slinky...not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

 

Number 5: Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

 

Number 4: All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

 

Number 3: Why does a slight tax increase cost you a couple of hundred quid, and a substantial tax cut saves you around thirty pence?

 

Number 2: In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now The world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

 

AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2006: We know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in Europe but we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Ministry of Agriculture in charge of immigration.

[Number 10 1]

 

Number 10: Life is sexually transmitted.

Have we met ? :o

[plastic 225]

Wot no "liqueurs"? :ph34r:

[Vloid 1]

A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache."

 

"Perfect," her husband said.

..

.

.

.

.

.

.

"I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin. You can take it orally, or as a suppository...it's up to you."

[Nicole 817]

Actual quote from DB

 

"My parents have always been there for me, ever since I was seven"

 

[HollyGolightly 22]

The husband and wife go to a counselor after 15 years of marriage.

The counselor asks them what the problem is and the wife goes into

a tirade listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years

they've been married. She goes on and on and on. Finally, the

counselor gets up, goes around the desk, embraces the woman and

kisses her passionately. The woman shuts up and sits quietly, in a daze.

The counselor turns to the husband and says, "That is what your wife

needs at least three times a week. Can you do that?"

The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can bring her

here Mondays and Wednesdays, but Fridays I'm playing golf!

[Number 10 1]

A married couple in their early 60s was out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish." "Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband" said the wife. The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II luxury liner appeared in her hands.

 

Then it was the husband's turn. He thought for a moment and said: "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me. " The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish...

So the fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! -

 

the husband became 92 years old.

 

The moral of the story: Men who are ungrateful bxxstards should remember fairies are female!!

[Neil373 2]

One of the British national daily newspapers is asking readers "what it means to be British" Some of the emails are hilarious but this is one from a chap in Switzerland...

"Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, and then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV.

 

And the most British thing of all? Suspicion of anything foreign."

[deatr28 3]

This little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents room. Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises and when I look in your bedroom you're bouncing up and down on him." His mom is taken by surprise and says, "Oh, well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again." And the boy says, "Well, that won't work!" His mom says, "Why?!?" And the boy replies, "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!"

 

And another

 

A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted men's barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, "What's the camel for?" The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, we have the camel." The Captain said "Well, if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right with me." After he had been at the fort for about 6 months, the Captain could not stand it anymore, so he told his Sergeant, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!" The Sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the Captain's quarters. The Captain got a foot stool and proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?" The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town."

[kev 3]

Men Are Just Happier people -

 

What do you expect when:

 

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

 

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be President.

You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

Wrinkles add character.

 

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

Your underwear is R49.95 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

 

One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

 

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

 

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original colour.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

 

You can play with toys all your life.

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

 

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache

 

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

 

No wonder men are happier

[Billy 2]

Real answers from TV - dunno why they are wrong, some seem reasonable to me!!:

FAMILY FORTUNES

1) Something a blind man might use? - A Sword

2) A song with the word Moon in the title? - Blue Suede Moon

3) Name the capital of France? - F

4) Name a bird with a long Neck? - Naomi Campbell

5) Name an occupation where you might need a torch? - A burglar

6) Where is the Taj Mahal? - Opposite the Dental Hospital

7) What is Hitler's first name? - Heil

8) A famous Scotsman? - Jock

9) Some famous brothers? - Bonnie and Clyde.

10) A dangerous race? - The Arabs

11) Something that floats in a bath? - Water

12) An item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers? - A horse

13) Something you wear on a beach? - A deckchair

14) A famous Royal? - Mail

15) Something that flies that doesn't have an engine? - A bicycle with wings

16) A famous bridge? - The Bridge Over Troubled Waters

17) Something a cat does? - Goes to the toilet

18) Something you do in the bathroom? - Decorate

19) A method of securing your home? - Put the kettle on

20) Something associated with pigs? - The Police

21) A sign of the Zodiac? - April

22) Something people might be allergic to? - Skiing

23) Something you do before you go to bed? - Sleep

24) Something you put on walls? - A roof

25) Something slippery? - A conman

26) A kind of ache? - A fillet of fish

27) A jacket potato topping? - Jam

28) A food that can be brown or white? - A potato

29) Something sold by gypsies? - Bananas

30) Something red? - My sweater

 

Billy

[Number 10 1]

The Brothel

 

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s.

 

"May I help you?" she asked.

"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.

"No. I must see Valerie," was the man's reply.

 

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $1,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one-hundred dollar bills, gave them to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left. The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that none had ever come back two nights in a row--too expensive--and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left. The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs. After their session, Valerie questioned the man.

 

"No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.

The man replied, "South Carolina."

"Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina."

"I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance."

 

The moral of the story is that there are three things in life that are certain:

 

1. Death.

 

2. Taxes.

 

3. Being screwed by a lawyer!

[Number 10 1]

How Blonde Was She???

 

She was Soooooooo Blonde

She thought a quarterback was a refund.

She thought General Motors was in the army.

She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.

She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.

At the bottom of an application where it says "Sign here:" she wrote "Sagittarius."

She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

She sent a fax with a stamp on it.

Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."

She tripped over a cordless phone.

She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "Concentrate."

She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."

She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

She studied for a blood test.

She sold the car for gas money.

When she missed bus #44 she took bus #22 twice instead.

When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said,"Airport Left," she turned around and went home.

When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.

She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.

She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.

She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front."

She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company

 

She is sooooooooooooooooo Blonde...

[Billy 2]

What's the definition of the bravest man in the world??

 

The man who comes home drunk, covered in lipstick and smelling of perfume, then slaps his wife on the backside and says: "You're next, fatty."

 

Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm while his wife is lying in bed reading. Man says: "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache." Wife replies: "I think you'll find,

that is a sheep." Man replies: "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."

 

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, "What are you doing?" She answers, "I'm moving to Sydney. I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free." Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his

suitcase. When she asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm coming too I want to see how you live on $800 a year".

 

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

* 2 litres of low fat milk * a carton of eggs * 2 litres of orange juice * a head of lettuce * half a dozen tomatoes * a 500g jar of coffee * a 250g pack of bacon

 

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, A drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated," You must be single." The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the Drunk to her marital

status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?" The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

[Raffles 53]

A skinny little white guy goes into a public toilet, looks up and sees

 

this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the

 

little guy staring at him, looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350

 

pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right

 

testicle, Turner Brown."

 

The white man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down

 

and brings him to, shaking him.

 

The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?"

 

In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you

 

say to me?"

 

The big dude says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just

 

give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me I'm 7

 

feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my left

 

testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my

 

name is "Turner Brown."

 

Turner Brown?!...Sweet Jesus, I thought you said "Turn around"

[Number 10 1]

:wacko: Proud to be British !!??!!

 

Be very proud to be British because..

 

Only in Britain... can a pizza get to your house faster than An ambulance.

 

Only in Britain... do supermarkets make sick people walk all The way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy People can buy cigarettes at the front.

 

Only in Britain... do people order double cheese! burgers, large fries, and a DIET coke.

 

Only in Britain... do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.

 

Only in Britain... do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds On the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.

 

Only in Britain... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't Want to talk to in the first place.

 

Only in Britain... are there disabled parking places in front Of a skating rink.

 

NOT TO MENTION...

 

3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.

 

142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts.

 

58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.

 

31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas Tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.

 

19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate.

 

British Hospitals reported: 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling accidents.

 

101 people since 1999 have had broken parts of plastic toys pulled out of the soles of their feet.

 

18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.

 

A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.

 

5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out of control Scalext! ric cars.

 

And finally...

 

In 2000 eight Brits cracked their skull whilst throwing up into the Toilet...

 

RULE BRITANNIA!! And they say the Irish are thick?

[Number 10 1]

At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said " I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"

 

"Good question" noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candlemakers, and, every now and then, they send us a free box of candles".

"Oh," replied the inspector, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went in his obnoxious way.

"What about all those matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"

"Ah, yes" said the Rabbi, realising the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and, every now and then, they send us a free box of

matzos"

"I see" said the inspector, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well Rabbi", he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

 

"Here, too, we do not waste" said the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and, about once a year, they send us a complete dick like you !!!"

[bbulldog 6]

probably get shot for this but here goes, no offence meant to any minorities especially to sheep.

 

A welsh man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm while his welsh wife is lying in bed reading. The welsh man says: "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache." The welsh Wife replies: "I think you'll find, that is a sheep." The welsh man replies: "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."

 

@billy & number10 you dont both come from Charlton do you? :P

[Number 10 1]

:lol:

 

Like it...

 

 

@billy & number10 you dont both come from Charlton do you?

Can't speak for Billy, but actually i'm not from that far away from Charlton, or should that be Charlton-nil... ...

[bbulldog 6]

well the reason i ask is that we had a user called Charltonfan ( good guy & good name) he had loads of jokes too...

 

ps. I was born not far from Charlton.