Jokes

[Supergill 2]

Did you hear about the guy who confused 'incest' and 'incense' and set fire to his sister?

[kev 3]

Friendship Between Women:

 

A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house.

The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

 

Friendship Between Men:

 

A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a buddy's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.

Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.

[Parasio 1]

A nude jogger was running past two old women.

 

One had a stroke, the other missed!

[Columbus 2]

Getting Drunk!

 

A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink, he can not be served additional liquor at this bar, and offers to call a cab for him.

 

The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door.

 

A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the SIDE door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and, still politely - but more firmly, refuses service to the man due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

 

A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the BACK door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.

 

The surprised drunk looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish cries,

 

"MAAAN! How many bars do you work at?

[Rustic_Cockney 1]

Billy Connolly quotes

 

Don't usually find him funny but some of these make me grin.

 

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time...I know where my watch is pal, where the fcuk is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

 

2. People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

 

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Fcuknig right! What good is a cake if you cant eat it?

 

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look" . Of course it is. Why the fcuk would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

 

5. When people say while watching a film " did you see that? "No tosser, I paid 10 quid to come to the cinema and stare at the fcuknig floor.

 

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice there, did you sunshine?

 

7. When something is 'new and improved!' . Which is it? If it's new,then there has never been anything before it. If its an improvement,then there must have been something before it.

 

8. When people say "life is short" . What the fcuk?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever fcuknig does!! What can you do that's longer?

 

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, K**bhead?

 

10. People who say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used to be'. So what did they used to be? ears, Wellington boots?

 

11. When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice? ' No it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.

 

12. People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that's an image I really didn't need.

 

13. McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you unless you insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering...It has to be a McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger gets blank looks. Well I'll have a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you McFcuking Tosser.

 

14. When you involved in a accident and someone asks'are you alright? 'Yes fine thanks, I'll just pick up my limbs and be off.

[Nicole 817]

old but still funny

 

[sarabyrd 18,767]

Maybe this has been posted already, but this version is the best.

 

Aer Lingus Flight 101 was flying from Heathrow to Dublin one night, with Paddy the Pilot, and Seamus the co-pilot.

As they approached Dublin Airport, they looked out of the front window.

"B'jeesus" said Paddy "Will ye look at how fookin short dat runway is"

"You're fookin kiddin, Paddy" replied Seamus.

"Right Seamus. When I give the signal, you put de engines in reverse" said Paddy.

"Right, I'll be doing dat" replied Seamus.

"And den ye put de flaps down straight away" said Paddy.

"Right, I'll be doing dat" replied Seamus.

"And den ye stamp on dem brakes as hard as ye can"

said Paddy.

"Right, I'll be doing dat" replied Seamus.

"And den ye pray to de Mother Mary with all a' your soul" said Paddy.

"I be doing dat already" replied Seamus.

So they approached the runway with Paddy and Seamus full of nerves and sweaty palms.

As soon as the wheels hit the ground, Seamus put the engines in reverse, put the flaps down, stamped on the brakes and prayed to Mother Mary with all of his soul.

Amidst roaring engines, squealing of tyres and lots of smoke, the plane screeched to a halt centimetres from the end of the runway, much to the relief of Paddy and Seamus and everyone on board.

As they sat in the cockpit regaining their composure, Paddy looked out the front window and said to Seamus "Dat has gotta be de shortest fookin runway I have EVER seen in me whole life."

Seamus looked out the side window and replied "Yeah Paddy, but look how fookin wide it is!"

[HollyGolightly 22]

>>HOW TO POOP AT WORK

>>

>>We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked

>>back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down

>>below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the

>>WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work,

>>following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

>>

>>CROP DUSTING When farting, you walk really fast around the office

>>so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff

>>but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this.

>>Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra

>>30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

>>

>>FLY BY The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in

>>and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom,

>>leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT

>>FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly

>>going into the bathroom.

>>

>>ESCAPEE A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or

>>forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden

>>wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not

>>acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing

>>next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No

>>one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved.

>>Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

>>

>>JAILBREAK When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine

>>gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover.

>> If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until

>>everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness

>>of what just occurred.

>>

>>COURTESY FLUSH The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop

>>hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has

>>to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught

>>doing the WALK OF SHAME.

>>

>>WALK OF SHAME Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door

>>after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very

>>uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with

>>farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be

>>avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

>>

>>OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER A colleague who poops at work and is damn

>>proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter

>>the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always

>>look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before

>>entering the bathroom.

>>

>>THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N) A group of co-workers who band

>>together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident.

>>This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The

>>Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

>>

>>SAFE HAVENS A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where

>>you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly

>>of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your

>>sex entering the bathroom.

>>

>>TURD BURGLAR Someone who does not realize that you are in the

>>stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most

>>shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop

>>at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd

>>Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye

>>contact.

>>

>>CAMO-COUGH A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the

>>bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a

>>WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective

>>when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

>>

>>ASTAIRE A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd

>>Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all

>>doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave

>>the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

>>

>>WATERMELON A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the

>>toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a

>>Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

>>

>>HAVANAOMELET A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud

>>splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try

>>using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

>>

>>UNCLE TED A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever.

>>Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or

>>sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax

>>while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the

>>bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom

>>attendees

[Neil373 2]

True Story:

 

A Swiss joker had his last wish fulfilled when his obituary was published as a change of address notice.

 

The obituary published in the Tages-Anzeiger newspaper read:

 

"Change of address for Roland Jacob"

 

"My new address is the Rehalp cemetery, plot number 4276. I look forward to your visit."

[Number 10 1]

Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment, always circle the stain in permanent pen, so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.

 

Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand next to the object you wish to view.

 

Always poo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.

 

Weight watchers.  Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at a chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f**king thing in the first place.

 

 

Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.

 

An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.

 

Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken steroids by running a bit slower.

 

High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

 

Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your roof.

 

A mouse trap placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.

 

Fool next door into thinking you have more stairs than them by banging your feet twice on each stair.

 

At supermarket checkouts, a Toblerone box makes a handy 'Next Customer Please' sign for dyslexic shoppers.

 

Girls. Don't worry about a nice dress for that important first date. 

All he's interested in is seeing you starkers.

 

Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

 

AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

 

HOUSEWIVES. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.

 

DON'T INVITE DRUG ADDICTS round for a meal on Boxing Day. They may find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive.

[Supergill 2]

Please quote your sources! These are nicked from 'Viz', nicht wahr? :o

[Guest]

OK here's my best shot (no pun intented) for a Thursday

 

An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:

"Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing.

We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbour?"

The old man replied, "Yep. None of us could get the jar open."

Gotcha!

[Sandra C. 1]

Subject: WINTER CLASSES FOR MEN

 

WINTER CLASSES FOR MEN AT

THE LEARNING CENTER FOR ADULTS

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED BY Monday, January 30, 2006

 

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL

OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.

 

Class 1

How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays --- Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.

Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

 

Class 2

The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change Itself?

Round Table Discussion.

Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

 

Class 3

Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and

Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub? --- Group Practice.

Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

 

Class 4

Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor ---

Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.

Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

 

Class 5

After Dinner Dishes --- Can They! Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?

Examples on Video.

Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning

at 7:00 PM

 

Class 6

Loss Of Identity --- Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.

Help Line Support and Support Groups.

Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

 

Class 7

Learning How To Find Things --- Starting With Looking In The Right Places

And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.

Open Forum .

Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

 

Class 8

Health Watch --- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.

Graphics and Audio Tapes.

Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

 

Class 9

Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost --- Real Life Testimonials.

Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

 

Class 10

Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?

Driving Simulations.

4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

 

Class 11

Learning to Live --- Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.

Online Classes and role-playing .

Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

 

Class 12

How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion

Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.

Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

 

Class 13

How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy --- Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.

Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.

Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

 

Class 14

The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How It Is Used.

Live Demonstration.

Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

 

Upon completion of any of the above courses,

diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

Send this to all the guys that you think can stand the heat, and to all the ladies for

the best chuckle of their day!

[gearbox 5]

:D SIGN ME UP PLEASE!

[far-lands 11]

CLASSES FOR WOMEN

 

1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before

2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits

3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits

4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game

5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too

6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His

7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First

8. Communication Skills II : Thinking Before Speaking

9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging

10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire ( But probably won't )

11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up

12. Introduction to Parking

13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space

14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat

15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter

16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption

17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People

18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully

19. PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His

20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To

21. Classic Footwear: Wearing Shoes You Already Have

22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice

23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together

24. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both

25. TV Remotes: For Men Only

 

And here a few mor tips for the female side of the species ...

 

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. You can handle it. We need it up you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

2. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon. Let it be.

3. Crying is blackmail.

4. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one. Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

5. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

6. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

7. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

8. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an

argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

9. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

10. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

11. If something we said could be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

12. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

13. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

14. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

15. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default

settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

16. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

17. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

18. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

19. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as cars, sex or sport

 

:ph34r:

[Number 10 1]

A bloke stops to visit his mate who has a broken leg.

His friend says, "My feet are cold, mate. Can you go and get me my slippers from upstairs please."

The Guy goes upstairs, and there are his mates gorgeous twin 18 year old daughters.

"Hi girls. Your dad sent me up here to shag you."

The first daughter says "That's not true."

He says, "I'll prove it."

He yells down the stairs, "Both of them?"

His mate yells back, "Of course, both of them"

[Neil373 2]

You know you've been living in Switzerland too long when ...

 

you think getting up early is good.

you actually get interested in the local elections.

you expect the shop clerk to say goodbye after you purchase something.

you try to defend cartel based economics to a visitor.

you think that plaid jackets with flowery ties don't look that bad.

you think it's fair that you can only wash clothes once a month.

you wonder why anyone would want to shop outside of working hours.

you think it's OK to drive slow on Sundays.

you feel like you're broke if you have less that SFr. 300 in your pocket.

you dress up to go grocery shopping.

you understand why Chinese food should cost more than normal food.

you prefer Swiss wine.

you wish that your hometown had expensive garbage bags too.

you think it's OK for a Chinese restaurant to be run by a Swiss and staffed by Spaniards and Portugese.

you start thinking, 'Why can't they just speak Schwizerduetsch?'

your German is better than the waiter's.

you start preparing costumes for Fasnacht.

you join a Guggemusik band.

you think Thursday night shopping is really convenient.

you think that large American cars are 'cool'.

you think it's cool to drink expensive imported American beers.

you prefer fizzy mineral water to tap water.

you throw a party and expect everyone to leave by 11:30 pm.

you clean up during parties.

you expect dinner guests to help with the washing up.

you begin to understand the subtlety of the Swiss cuisine.

you appreciate the differences between the cantons.

you feel really hungry if you don't start eating lunch by 12:00.

you have breakfast cereal for dinner.

you say Gruezi to everyone, and consider it impolite when they don't say it back.

you don't mind paying SFr.16 for a paperback book.

you think that Swisscom approved telephones are better.

you buy a new one instead of getting it repaired.

you think that 3% unemployment is high.

you believe it was through its own efforts that Switzerland stayed out of World War II.

you consider getting goats and sheep to graze in your backyard.

you only eat fondue in winter.

you complain to your neighbour about the noise when he flushes his toilet after 10 pm.

you become interested in the myriad of insurance offerings.

you take part in Jazz festivals.

you get interested in Schwingen.

you volunteer to help organise the Dorffest.

you expect to be delayed by road works every summer.

you become concerned about the colour of your neighbour's curtains.

you put Aromat on all your food.

you worry about getting a cold when there's a draft.

you think spontanaeity is OK, as long as it's planned.

you become offended when reading this.

[Guest]

Mr Cadbury and Ms Rowntree met on a coach journey. It was After Eight. She was from Quality Street; he was a Fisherman's Friend. On the way they stopped at a Yorkie Bar, he had a Rum & Butter and she had a Wine Gum.

 

He asked her name. "Polo, I'm the one with the hole", she said.

 

"I'm the one with the Nuts", he thought. Then he touched her Milky Way.

 

They checked in and went straight to the bedroom. Mr Cadbury turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic. It wasn't long before he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt the contrast of her Double Decker. Then he showed her his Curly Wurly. Ms Rowntree wasn't keen to have any more Jelly Babies, so she let him take a trip down Bourneville Boulevard . He was pleased as he always fancied a bit of Fudge.

 

It was a Magic Moment as she let out a scream of Turkish Delight. When he came out his Fun Sized Mars Bar felt a bit Crunchie. She wanted more but he decided to take Time Out. However, he noticed her Pink Wafers looked very appetising...So he did a Twirl, had a Picnic in her Sherbert and gave her a Gob Stopper. Unfortunately Mr Cadbury then had to go home to his wife, Caramel.

 

Sadly, he was soon to discover he had caught V.D. It turns out Ms. Rowntree had been with All Sorts.

[far-lands 11]

sounds more like living in Germany to me :$

with a few exceptions...

[Number 10 1]

While I was driving down the M4 the other day, (going a little faster than I should have been) I passed under a bridge only to see a policeman on the other side with a radar gun, laying in wait.

 

The policeman pulled me over, walked up to the car and, with that classic, patronising smirk, asked:

"Runway too short?"

To which I replied, "I'm late for work."

To which he asked, "What do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded.

The policeman was surprised and confused. "A what? A rectum stretcher?? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in, work side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch the hole, until it's about 6 feet."

Then the policeman asked questioningly and cautiously, "And just what do you do with a six-foot ars*hole?"

 

To which I politely replied, "You give it a radar gun and park it behind a bridge..."