Jokes

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TGIF!! One for the weekend!!!

 

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, “ When I am worried about getting nervous On the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.

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"An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond comparison.

 

With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.

 

Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.

 

The farmer simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want."

 

The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.

 

"Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed."

 

The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.

 

The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.

 

"Well," the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed."

 

The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.

 

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry."

 

So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine.

 

He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.

 

"Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell...pregnant when you met her."

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Subject: MORALS

 

Three men were traveling and happened to meet at a bar in Ohio. One man was from Texas, one from Florida, and one from Arkansas. They got acquainted and started talking about their problems with their wives.

The guy from Texas began by saying "I told my wife in no uncertain terms that from now on she would have to do all of the cooking. Well, the first day after I told her, I saw nothing. The second day I saw nothing. But on the third day when I came home from work, the table was set, and a wonderful dinner was prepared with wine and even dessert."

 

Then the man from Florida spoke up "I sat my wife down and told her, that from now on she would have to do all of the grocery shopping, and all of the house cleaning. The first day I saw nothing. The second day I saw nothing. But on the third day when I came home, the whole house was spotless, and in the pantry, the shelves were filled

with groceries".

 

The fellow from Arkansas was married to an enlightened woman who had grown up in rural Arkansas. He sat up straight on the bar stool, pushed out his chest and said "I gave my wife a stern look and told her, that from now on she would have to do the cooking,

shopping and housecleaning. Well, the first day I saw nothing. The second day I still saw nothing. But by the third day, I could see a little bit out of my left eye.

 

Moral of story: DON'T MESS WITH ARKANSAS WOMEN!!

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A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding

a gun.

He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank

vault. She says

"But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!"

he replies.

So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm

samples. The

> > > > guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she

looks at him

"BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it

back.

"That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks

that one as

well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and

says,

"See honey - its not that hard."

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Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in

their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the

car and hisses through the windshield. "Quick, quick!" shouts Sister

Marilyn. "What shall we do?" "Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get

rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen. Sister Marilyn switches them on,

knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"What shall I do now?" she shouts. "Switch on the windshield washer. I

filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican," says Sister Helen. Sister

Marilyn turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns

his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. "Now what?"

shouts Sister Marilyn? "Show him your cross," says Sister Helen. "Now you're

talking," says Sister Marilyn. She opens the window and shouts, "Get the

fuck off our car!"

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A guy decides to have a party where his guests are asked to come as different emotions e.g. fear, etc. On the night of the party, the first

guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a guy covered in green

paint with the letters N and V painted on his chest. He says to this guy,

"Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?" and the guy says," I'm

green with NV". The host replies, "Brilliant, come on in and have a drink." A few minutes later the next guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a woman covered in a pink body stocking with a feather boa wrapped around her most intimate parts. He says to this woman "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?" She replies, "I'm tickled pink." The host says, "I love it, come on in and join the party." A couple of minutes later the doorbell goes for the third time, and the host opens the door to see two Irish blokes, Paddy and Mick, standing stark naked one with his knob in a bowl of custard, and the other with his knob stuck in a pear. The host is really shocked and says, "Well, what the heck are you doing? You could get arrested standing like that out there in the street like that. Anyhow what emotion is this supposed to be?!?!" Paddy replies, "Well, Oim fokn discustard, and Mick here has just come in despair"

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Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend,

>> >> Marie,

>> >> out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a

>> >> beautiful day and love is in the air.

>> >>

>> >>

>> >> Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre, kiss me!"

>> >> Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's

> lips.

>> >> "What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie.

>> >>

>> >>

>> >> "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have

> red

>> >> wine!"

>> >> She smiles and they start kissing. Things began to heat up a

>> >> little

>> >> and Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower." Our hero tears her

>> >> blouse

>> >> open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and pours it on her

>> >> breasts.

>> >>

>> >>

>> >> "Pierre!! What are you doing now?" asks the bewildered Marie.

>> >> "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I

>> >> have

>> >> white wine!"

>> >> She giggles and they resume their passionate interlude, and

>> >> things

>> >> really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers,

>> >> "Pierre, kiss me much lower!" Pierre rips off her underwear,

>> >> grabs

>> >> a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a

>> >> match

>> >> and lights the cognac on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into

>> >> the

>> >> River Seine.

>> >>

>> >>

>> >> Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms into the air and

>> >> screams

>> >> furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT THE F**K DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"

>> >>

>> >>

>> >> Our 'hero' stands and says defiantly,

>> >> "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in

>> >> flames!"

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REDNECK MOMMA

 

A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed

 

by 15 kids. WOW," the social worker exclaims, "are they

 

ALL YOURS???"

Yep they are all mine," the flustered momma sighs, having

 

heard that question a thousand times before. She says, "Sit

 

down Leroy."

All the children rush to find seats.

Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to

 

sign up. I'll need all your children's names."

This one's my oldest - he is Leroy."

OK, and who's next?"

Well, this one he is Leroy, also."

The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One

 

by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Leroy.

 

Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Leroy!

All right," says the caseworker, "I'm seeing a pattern here.

 

Are they ALL named Leroy?"

Their Momma replied, "Well, yes! - it makes it easier.

 

When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for

 

school, I yell, 'Leroy!' An' when it's time for dinner, I just

 

yell 'Leroy!' an' they all comes a runnin.' An 'if I need to

 

stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Leroy'

 

and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin'

 

them all Leroy."

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles

 

her forehead and says tentatively, "But what if you just want

 

ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?"

Well, then I call them by their last names.

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A Blonde enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman, "I

would like to buy a pair of pink curtains."

 

The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of pink

curtains. He shows her several patterns, but the blond seems to be having

a hard time choosing. Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print. The

salesman then asks what size curtains she needs.

 

The blond promptly replies, "fifteen inches."

 

"Fifteen inches???" asked the salesman. "That sounds very small, what room

are they for?"

 

The blond tells him that they aren't for a room, they are for her computer

monitor. The surprised salesman replies, "but Miss, computers do not need

curtains!"

 

The blond says, "Hellllooooooooo ... I've got WINDOOOOOOOWWWSS!"

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A medical professor was lecturing about self-examination of the breast and testicles. A female student asked another male student,

 

"Do you ever get an erection when you do a self-examination of your testicles?"

 

"Sometimes, yes" replied the male student.

 

"What do you do about it?" She then asked.

 

"Nothing, why?"

 

She thought for a while then said, "You mean you go around with a hard penis all day?"

 

"Err, no" he replied

 

"You mean a man's penis will go down without having an orgasm?"

 

"Of course"

 

"I'm going to kill my husband!"

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"I've Lost Me Luggage"

 

An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal

with

tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he

was

already homesick.

 

"No," replied the Irishman "I've lost all me luggage!"

 

"How'd that happen?"

 

"The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.

 

*****************************************************

 

"Water to Wine"

 

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for

speeding

in Connecticut.

 

The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees

an

empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you

been

drinking?"

 

"Just water," says the priest.

 

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

 

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it

again!"

 

***********************************************

 

"The Brothel"

 

Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer and watching the

brothel

across the street.

 

They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them

said,

"Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."

 

Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said,

"Aye,

'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation as

well."

 

Then they see a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the

Irishmen

said, "What a terrible pity...one of the girls must be dying.

 

***************************************************

 

Irish Predicament

 

Drunk Ole Mulvihill (From the Northern Irish Clan) staggers into a

Catholic

Church, enters a confessional box, sits down but says nothing.

 

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but Ole just

sits

there.

 

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

 

The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this

side

either."

 

***************************************************

 

Irish Last Request

 

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady's after his Sunday morning

service,

and she's in tears.

 

He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

 

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away

last

night."

 

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, did he have any

last

requests?"

 

She says, "That he did, Father..."

 

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

 

She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that gun!'

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Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?

 

Hubby: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look

at your picture and the problem disappears.

 

Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?

 

Hubby: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other

problem can there be greater than this one?"

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Dear Friends:

 

It is with the saddest heart that we must pass on the following news.

 

Please join us in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.

 

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

 

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Cap'n Crunch. The gravesite was piled high with flours.

 

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was notconsidered a very 'smart' cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky in his youth and a crusty old man, he was considered a roll model for millions.

 

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough; two children, John Dough and Jane Dough; plus the bun they had in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

 

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes

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A blonde decides to try horseback

riding, even though she has had no

lessons or prior experience. She

mounts the horse unassisted and the

horse immediately springs into motion.

It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic

pace, but the blonde begins to slip from

the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the

horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a

firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around

the horse's neck, but she slides down

the side of the horse anyway.

The horse gallops along, seemingly

ignorant of its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde

attempts to leap away from the horse and

throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her

foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and

she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding

hooves as her head is struck against the ground

over and over. As her head is battered against

the ground, she is mere moments away from

unconsciousness when to her great fortune,

Bobby, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and

unplugs the horse.

Thank God for heroes!

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Subject: Medicare

 

Mrs. Ward goes to the doctor's office to collect her husband's test

results.

The lab tech says to her, "I'm sorry, ma'am, but there has been a big

mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent your husband's samples to the

lab, the samples from another Mr. Ward were sent as well and we are now

uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly, it is either bad or

terrible."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asked.

"Well, one has tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other for AIDS.

We can't tell which is your husband."

"That's terrible! Can we do the test over?" questioned Mrs. Ward.

"Normally, yes. But Medicare won't pay for these expensive tests more

than once."

Normally, yes. But Medicare won't pay for these expensive tests more

than once."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off in the

middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

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A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

 

She was a very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

 

Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

 

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

 

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."

 

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

 

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return, two o'clock, and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass

of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her.

 

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

 

Trembling, he did as she directed.

 

"Now take off my boots."

 

He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

 

"Now take off my socks."

 

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

 

"Now take off my skirt."

 

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the firelight.

 

"Now take off my bra."

 

Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

 

"Now," she said, "take off my panties."

 

By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off.

 

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, I'll fire you on the spot."

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WARNINGS ISSUED BY THE TOURISM BUREAU TO ALL VISITING YANKEES

 

Don't laugh at southern people's names. (Merleen, Luther Ray, Tammy Ann, Darla Beth, Inez, Sissy, Billy Joe Bob, Sue Lynn, Bubba, etc.) We have been known to kick a man's ass for less.

 

Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda. Down South it's called Coke. It doesn't make a damn whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr, Pepper, 7-Up or whatever else, it's a Coke. If you don't say it right, it can lead to an ass kicking!

 

Don't show allegiance to any college football team that isn't in the SEC or we'll kick your ass. All the others are just a bunch of pansies that play teams like Wyoming. We'll kick their ass too.

 

Don't refer to us Southerners as a bunch of hillbillies. We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g., Faulkner, Grisham, Williams). We are also better educated and generally a hell of a lot nicer. We also have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred! Smith of Fed Ex, Turner Broadcasting, MCI Worldcom, MTV, Netscape),

 

Naturally, we do sometimes have a small lapse in judgement (e.g., Clinton, Gore, Duke). Anyway, dumb or not, we will kick your Yankee ass.

 

We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up, spend your money, and get the hell out of here, or we'll kick your ass.

 

Eat your biscuits like God intended, at the Waffle House. DON'T order wheat toast or put sugar on them, or we'll kick your ass.

 

Don't try to fake a southern accent. You will get your ass kicked for impersonatin' a redneck.

 

Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we don't give a damn. If you don't like it here, take your ass home before we kick it.

 

We know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we want to and because we can. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other Southerners understand what we're saying, and that's all that matter! s. Now, go home or we'll kick you ass.

 

Last, but not least, DO NOT come down here trying to tell us how to BBQ. This will get your ass shot off (after it is kicked). You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Question our BBQ, and go home in a pine box minus your ass.

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