Jokes

[Number 10 1]

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

 

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.

2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.

3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.

4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.

5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.

8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

 

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jelly to a tree.

2) Wrinkles don't hurt.

3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.

4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.

5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.

6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.

 

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing up is mandatory; growing old is optional.

2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.

7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

 

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.

2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.

3) You are Santa Claus.

4) You look like Santa Claus.

 

SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . not peeing in your pants.

At age 12 success is . . having friends.

At age 16 success is . . having a drivers license.

At age 35 success is . . having money.

At age 50 success is . . having money.

At age 70 success is . . having a drivers license.

At age 75 success is . . having friends.

At age 80 success is . . not peeing in your pants.

 

 

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.

2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.

3) You are Santa Claus.

4) You look like Santa Claus.

Dunno about anyone else, but i'm still firmly rooted in stage 1 !!! god bless santa !!

[Columbus 2]

A construction worker walks into a bar. He's a rather large, menacing guy. He orders a beer, chugs it back, and bellows,

 

"All you guys on this side of the bar are a bunch of assholes!"

 

A sudden silence descends.

After a moment he asks "Anyone got a problem with that?"

 

The silence lengthens.

He then chugs back another beer and growls, "And all you guys on the other side of the bar are faggots!"

 

Once again, the bar is silent.

He looks around belligerently and roars, "Anyone got a problem with that?"

 

A lone man gets up from his stool unsteadily and starts to walk towards the man.

 

"You got a problem, buddy?"

 

"Oh no, I'm just on the wrong side of the bar."

[Guest]

What animal has a cunt half way up its back?

 

A police horse!

[RMA 21]

Jeez Number 10 - can we have advance warning in future! The newspaper headlines had me laughing so loudly that work came to a standstill for half-an-hour while I explained them to those present whose English wasn't quite up to the job!

[Guest]

This was sent to me this morning by one of my German colleagues ...he thought it was a typical british

joke and everyone in our office found it hysterical ...there's no hope for them I tell you

...we're all doomed, doomed I say

 

 

An English businessman stands, into a newspaper deepened, at the bus stop. A policeman knocks it on the shoulder: "excusing you, my Mr., your trousers is open and your Penis looks out!" The Gentleman folds the newspaper up, actually looks down and says surprised: "Oh, is she gone!"

[gearbox 5]

Hope this ones not already on here, have not read all the jokes. here goes...

 

O sama Bin Laden himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own

handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Bush opened the

letter and it appeared to contain a single line of coded message:

 

370HSSV-0773H

 

Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides

had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.

No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA.

With no clue as to its meaning they eventually asked Britain's MI-6 for

help. Within a minute MI-6 cabled the White House with this reply:

 

"Tell the President he's holding the message upside down." B)

[Vloid 1]

@ Neil - that is actually quite funny (just ruined by "the way they tell em").

@ jaygee - yes is has, but always worth a repeat, that one :lol:

[Guest]

 

that is actually quite funny (just ruined by "the way they tell em")

hey Vloid ...you've been here too long mate :excl: ...I'm getting worried about you now :unsure:

[one51 29]

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.

 

The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honour

of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I

kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"

 

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

 

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers

in Silver's ear and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver

returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.

 

As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and

spends the night.

 

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very

fine and loyal horse but I will still kill you in two days. What is your

second request?"

 

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him,

and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off

across the plains and disappears over the horizon.

 

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this

time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the

Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

 

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed

a man of many talents but I still kill you tomorrow. "What is your last

request?"

 

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse...alone."

 

The Chief is curious but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone

Ranger's tent.

 

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him

square in the eye and says, "Listen very carefully you dumb ass horse. For

the last time . . . BRING POSSEEEE!!!"

[Vloid 1]

Just call me Herman from now on.

[mike_a 7]

A man pushes a sheep into the bedroom and says "Darling, this is the pig I shag when you have a headache"

 

His wife turns round on the bed and says "That is a sheep!"

[Slackmack 5]

:rolleyes: Makes a nice change for the Welsh to get ribbed by the Scottish :lol:

[Vloid 1]

 

A man pushes a sheep into the bedroom and says "Darling, this is the pig I shag when you have a headache"

Sorry Mike, you must be right - I think I've become native. I really don't get it :$

[Slackmack 5]

He was talking to the sheep!

[Vloid 1]

:$ Doh! :ph34r:

[Slackmack 5]

Still, it's a laugh, isn't it?

What is?

That noise you make in the back of your throat when you hear a joke.

Yeah, that's a laugh, yeah.

[Nicole 817]

Things to ponder

 

Why, Why, Why

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what colour bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid git?"

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

[Neil373 2]

Who Needs a Man ?

 

If you want someone who will do anything to please you, get a dog.

 

If you want someone who will bring you the newspaper without tearing through it first for the sports page, get a dog.

 

If you want someone who'll make a total fool of himself because he's so glad to see you, get a dog.

 

If you want someone who eats whatever you put in front of him and never says his mother made it better, get a dog.

 

If you want someone who's always eager to go out any time you ask and anywhere you want to go, get a dog.

 

If you want someone who can scare away burglars without waving a lethal weapon around, endangering you and all the neighbours, get a dog.

 

If you want someone who never touches the remote, couldn't care less about Monday Night Football, and watches dramatic movies with you as long as you want, get a dog.

 

If you want someone who'll be content just to snuggle up and keep you warm in bed, and who you can kick out of bed if he slobbers and snores, get a dog.

 

If you want someone who never criticizes anything you do, doesn't care how good or bad you look, acts as though every word you say is worth hearing, never complains, and loves you unconditionally all the time, get a dog!

 

On the other hand...

 

If you want someone who never comes when you call him, totally ignores you when you walk in the room, leaves hair all over the place, walks all over you, prowls around all night and comes home only to eat and sleep all day, and acts as though you are there only to see that He's happy...

…

…

 

Get a CAT!

[Nicole 817]

This is the tale of a Chili cook off in Texas

 

Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, Illinois

 

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in.

 

I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted".

 

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

 

CHILI # 1 - "MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI"...

 

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 --Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 -- Holy sh+t, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

 

CHILI # 2 - "AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI"...

 

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

 

CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...

 

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh+t-faced from all of the beer.

 

CHILI # 4 - "BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC"...

 

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to look HOT... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

 

CHILI # 5 "LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER"...

 

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really #####es me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

 

CHILI # 6 - "VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY"...

 

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I sh+t on myself when I fa+ted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my a$$ with a snow cone.

 

CHILI # 7 - "SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI"...

 

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Scr+w it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

 

CHILI # 8 - "BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI"...

 

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 flatulated, passed out, and fell over and pulled the chili-pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

Judge # 3 - No Report

 

CHILI # 9 - "MAMA GUATEMALA'S NUCLEAR HELL"...

 

Judge # 1 -- Festive presentation, with both seared and slightly blanched Habanero chilies included in the mixture of sweet red and jalapeno greens ... luscious chunks of some unidentifiable meat ... richly appointed tomatoes in the thickened sauce ... obviously prepared in an oversized stainless steel container as the pepper content was sufficient to melt both regular aluminum and untreated pig iron.

A +

 

Judge # 2 -- Delightful mixture of sweet and seriously tasty peppers. Both eyes watered. The use of some endangered species of lizard for the meat portion of the recipe is muchly appreciated, as that list is too damn long anyway. Oyster crackers vaporized upon contact with this fine stew-like mixture.

A ++

 

Judge # 3 -- Emergency Medical Personnel reported that he's been resuscitated and is expected to make a full recovery, although that catheter thingy will have to stay "in place" for a while.

[Neil373 2]

It's hard to believe people like this exist. Some of them are determined not to be helped. They must have been born & raised in a deep mineshaft and only brought out for these shows!

 

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE

Bamber Gascoigne: What was Ghandi's first name?

Contestant: Goosey, Goosey?

 

THE WEAKEST LINK

Anne Robinson: In traffic, what "J" is where two roads meet?

Contestant: Jool carriageway.

 

Anne Robinson: Which Italian city is overlooked by Vesuvius?

Contestant: Bombay.

 

Anne Robinson: What insect is commonly found hovering above lakes?

Contestant: Crocodiles.

Anne Robinson: Wh...?

Contestant (interrupting): Pass!

 

Anne Robinson: In olden times, what were minstrels, travelling entertainers or chocolate salesmen?

Contestant: Chocolate salesmen.

 

Anne Robinson: The Bible, the New Testament. The Four Gospels were written by Matthew, Mark, Luke and...?

Contestant: (long pause) Joe?

 

Anne Robinson: Who was a famous Indian leader, whose name begins with G, revered by millions, who was assassinated and received a state funeral?

Contestant: Geronimo!

 

NATIONAL LOTTERY JET SET

Eamonn Holmes: What's the name of the playwright commonly known by the initials G.B.S.?

Contestant: William Shakespeare.

 

CHRIS SEARLE SHOW, BBC BRISTOL

Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna?

Caller: Japan.

Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.

Caller: Er... Mexico?

 

FAMILY FORTUNES

1) Something a blind man might use? - A Sword

 

2) A song with the word Moon in the title? - Blue Suede Moon

 

3) Name the capital of France? - F

 

4) Name a bird with a long Neck? - Naomi Campbell

 

5) Name an occupation where you might need a torch? - A burglar

 

6) Where is the Taj Mahal? - Opposite the Dental Hospital

 

7) What is Hitler's first name? - Heil

 

8) A famous Scotsman? - Jock

 

9) Some famous brothers? - Bonnie and Clyde.

 

10) A dangerous race? - The Arabs

 

11) Something that floats in a bath? - Water

 

12) An item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers? - A horse

 

13) Something you wear on a beach? - A deckchair

 

14) A famous Royal? - Mail

 

15) Something that flies that doesn't have an engine? - A bicycle with wings

 

16) A famous bridge? - The Bridge Over Troubled Waters

 

17) Something a cat does? - Goes to the toilet

 

18) Something you do in the bathroom? - Decorate

 

19) A method of securing your home? - Put the kettle on

 

20) Something associated with pigs? - The Police

 

21) A sign of the Zodiac? - April

 

22) Something people might be allergic to? - Skiing

 

23) Something you do before you go to bed? - Sleep

 

24) Something you put on walls? - A roof

 

25) Something slippery? - A conman

 

26) A kind of ache? - A fillet of fish

 

27) A jacket potato topping? - Jam

 

28) A food that can be brown or white? - A potato

 

29) Something sold by gypsies? - Bananas

 

30) Something red? - My sweater

 

RADIO LINCS PHONE-IN

Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?

Contestant: Barcelona.

Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.

Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain.

 

STEVE WRIGHT SHOW, RADIO 2

Wright: On which continent would you find the River Danube?

Contestant: India.

 

Wright: What is the Italian word for motorway?

Contestant: Espresso.

 

Wright: What is the capital of Australia? And it's not Sydney.

Contestant: Sydney.

 

THIS MORNING

Judy Finnegan: The American TV show 'The Sopranos' is about opera. True or false?

Contestant: True?

Judy Finnegan: No, actually, it's about the Mafia. But it is an American TV show,so I'll give you that.

 

BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE

Paul Wappat: How long did the Six Day War between Egypt and Israel last?

Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days.

 

BOB HOPE BIRTHDAY QUIZ, LBC

Presenter: Bob Hope was the fifth of how many sons?

Contestant: Four

 

BBC GMR, PHIL WOOD SHOW

Wood: What "K" could be described as the Islamic Bible?

Contestant: Er...

Wood: It's got two syllables... Kor...

Contestant: Blimey?

Wood: Ha ha ha ha no. The past participle of run...

Contestant: (Silence)

Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I...

Contestant: Walked?

 

DARYL'S DRIVETIME, VIRGIN RADIO

Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?

Contestant: Holland?

Daryl Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.

Contestant: Iceland? Ireland?

Daryl Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel?

Contestant: No.