Jokes

[Number 10 1]

Duane rents an apartment in New York, and goes to the lobby to put his

name on the group mailbox. While he is there, an attractive young lady comes out of the apartment

next to the mailboxes wearing a robe. Duane smiles at the young lady and she strikes up a conversation with him. As they talk, her robe slips open, and it's quite obvious that she has nothing on underneath. Poor Duane breaks out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she places her hand on his arm and says, "Let's go in my apartment, I hear someone coming." He goes with her into the apartment, and after she closes the door, she leans against it allowing her robe to fall off completely.

 

Being completely nude, she purrs at him: 'What would you say is my best feature?"

The flustered, embarrassed Duane stammers, clears his throat several times, and finally squeaks out: 'Oh, it's got to be your ears!"

 

She's astounded, 'Why my ears? Look at these breasts! They are full, don't sag, and they're 100 per cent natural. My buns, they are firm and don't sag, and have no cellulite. Look at this skin, no blemishes or

scars. Why in heaven's name would you say my ears are the best part of my body?"

 

Clearing his throat once again, Duane stammers, 'Outside when you said you heard someone coming?...That was me!!!"

[Number 10 1]

In support of the new gay "marriages," IKEA have apparently announced that they are now selling the latest in lesbian beds; no screwing involved, its just tongue and groove...

[Columbus 2]

Good Bye Mom!!!

 

I was walking through the supermarket to pick up a few things when I noticed an old lady following me around.

 

Thinking nothing of it, I ignored her and continued on. Finally I went to the checkout line, but she got in front of me.

 

"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently."

 

"I'm very sorry," I said to her, "Is there anything I can do for you?"

 

"Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mom?' It would make me feel so much better."

"Sure," I said. An odd request, but no harm would come of it.

 

As the old woman was leaving, I called out, "Good Bye, Mom!"

 

As I stepped up to the checkout counter, I saw that my total was $1027.50.

 

"How can that be?" I asked, "I only purchased a few things!"

 

"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.

[Neil373 2]

Q. What does an old woman have between her breasts that a young woman doesn't?

A. A navel.

 

Q. How do you make your girlfriend scream while having sex?

A. Call her and tell her.

 

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."

 

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a case of beer, any kind except Schlitz. The bartender says, "What's wrong with Schlitz, don't you like it? The man says, "I hate that shit". Last night I drank a whole case of Schlitz and blew chunks. The bartender says, "You drink a case of any beer you're going to blow chunks". You don't understand said the man, Chunks is my dog.

 

A very good looking man walks into a singles bar, gets a drink and has a seat. During the course of the evening he tries to chat with every single woman who walks into the bar, with no luck. Suddenly a really ugly man, and I mean R-E-A-L-L-Y ugly man walks into the bar. He sits at the bar, and within seconds he is surrounded by women. Very soon he walks out of the bar with the two of the most beautiful women you ever saw. Disheartened by all this, the good looking man asks the barman, 'Excuse me, but that really ugly man just came in here and left with those two stunning women - what's his secret? He's as ugly as sin and I'm everything a girl could want but have not been able to connect all night - What's going on?' 'Well,' Said the Barman, 'I don't know how he does it, but he does the same thing every night. He walks in, orders a drink, and just sits there licking his eyebrows...'

 

Once there were twin brothers by the name of Jones. John Jones was married, and Joe Jones was single. The single brother Joe was the proud owner of a dilapidated row boat. It happened that John Jone's wife died the same day that Joe's rowboat filled with water and sank.

 

A few days later, a kindly old lady met Joe and mistaken him for John said; "Oh Mr. Jones, I am sorry to hear of your great loss, you must feel terrible".

 

Joe smiled and said, "Well I am not a bit sorry, she was rather old from the start. Her bottom was all chewed up and she smelled of dead fish. Even the first time I got into her, she made water faster than anything I ever saw. She had a bad crack and a pretty big hole in her front, and that hole got bigger every time I used her. It got so I could barely handle her, but if anyone else used her she leaked like anything. The thing that finished her was four guys from the other side of town. They came down looking for a good time and asked if I could lend her to them. I warned them she wasn't so hot, but they could take a crack at her if they liked. Well, the result was the crazy fools tried to get inside her all at once and it was too much for her. She cracked right up the middle".

 

Before he could finish the old lady fainted!

[Slackmack 5]

Mad Mary was speeding around the mental hospital, as usual, in her wheelchair.

 

Mad Joe stopped her and asked for her licence ... "shit" she said, and sped off around another corner.

 

Mad Jim then stopped her and asked for her insurance... "*uck" she says and took off again at an incredible speed ...

 

Rounding a notorious corner, she met Big John standing stark naked with a most massive erection ...

 

"Oh no!" she says ...

 

Not the breathaliser again ...

[Columbus 2]

Love vs Marriage

 

Love is holding hands in the street.

Marriage is holding arguments in the street.

Love is dinner for 2 in your favorite restaurant.

Marriage is a fast food take-out.

Love is cuddling on a sofa.

Marriage is deciding on a sofa.

Love is talking about having children .

Marriage is talking about getting away from children.

Love is going to bed early.

Marriage is going to sleep early.

Love is a romantic drive.

Marriage is a tarmac drive.

Love is losing your appetite.

Marriage is losing your figure.

Love is sweet nothing in the ear.

Marriage is sweet nothing in the bank.

Love is a flickering flame.

Marriage is a flickering television.

Love is 1 drink and 2 straws.

Marriage is "Don't you think you've had enough!".

In short

Love is Blind...

AND

Marriage is an eye opener!!!

[roots 59]

A nun and a priest were traveling across the desert and realized halfway across that the camel they were using for transportation was about to die. They set up a make-shift camp, hoping someone would come to their rescue, but to no avail. Soon the camel died.

After several days of not being rescued, they agreed that they were not going to be rescued. They prayed a lot (of course), and they discussed their predicament in great depth.

Finally the priest said to the nun, "You know, Sister, I am about to die, and there's always been one thing I've wanted here on earth to see a woman naked. Would you mind taking off your clothes so I can look at you?"

The nun thought about his request for several seconds and then agreed to take off her clothes. As she was doing so, she remarked, "Well, Father, now that I think about it, I've never seen a man naked, either. Would you mind taking off your clothes, too?"

With little hesitation, the priest also stripped.

Suddenly the nun exclaimed, "Father! What is that little thing hanging between your legs?"

The priest patiently answered, "That, my child, is a gift from God. If I put it in you, it creates a new life."

"Well," responded the nun, "forget about me. Stick it in the camel and lets get the Hhell out of here!"

[worm 72]

Tony Blair is visiting an Edinburgh hospital. He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury and greets one.

 

The patient replies"

 

“Fair fa your honest sonsie face,

 

Great chieftain o’ the pudding race,

 

Aboon them o’ you take your place,

 

Painch, tripe or thairm,

 

As langs my airm.

[bluedave 2,499]

The Hypnotist

 

It was entertainment night at the senior centre and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, "Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations.

 

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..." The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly,----- it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

 

Shit!" said the Hypnotist...

 

It took three weeks to clean up the senior centre

[Guest]

Chuck Norris - Deadliest Man Alive.

 

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.

 

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

 

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till."

After you ask, "Two seconds till what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

 

Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.

 

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

 

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

 

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

 

It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him.

 

Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhouse kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.

 

When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

 

Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger; it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked in the face that day.

 

If you unscramble the letters in "Chuck Norris" you get "Huck corn, sir." That is why every fall, Chuck travels to Nebraska and burns the entire state down.

 

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

 

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

 

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

 

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

 

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

 

A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

 

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

 

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

 

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

 

Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

 

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

 

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".

 

Chuck Norris often asks people to pull his finger. When they do, he roundhouses them in the abdomen. Then he farts.

 

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

 

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

 

Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity." Then you are dead wrong.

 

Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.

 

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't f--k with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

[Owain Glyndwr 889]

 

C: Faint o athrawon prifysgol sydd rhaid am newid bwlb golau?

A: Pedwar cant ac un. Un i wneud y gwaith, a phedwar cant i sefyll mewn pwllgor yn Aberystwyth i gael gair am "ffilament".

quite funny actually. The welsh love their committees.

[Slackmack 5]

Just for the Welsh

 

Roedd bachgen bach o'r enw Dewi yn cerdded trwy ei bentref, yn bownsio pe+l i'r geiriau: "B*****d Saeson prynu tai! B*****d Saeson prynu tai!"

 

Wel, pan aeth Dewi heibio'r capel, dal yn canu "B*****d Saeson prynu tai!", daeth y gweinidog mas. "Dewi, paid a+ ddweud pethau fel 'na - pechod mawr yw e!" dywedodd e. "Mewn lle, dylet ti ddweud rhywbeth fel 'Iesu Grist cafodd ei eni mewn stabal.'"

 

Yn awyddus i foddhau, sgipiodd Dewi i ffwrdd, yn bownsio'i be+l ac yn canu "Iesu Grist cafodd ei eni mewn stabal! Iesu Grist cafodd ei eni mewn stabal!"

 

Pan aeth Dewi tua'r capel eto, roedd e'n dal yn canu: "Iesu Grist cafodd ei eni mewn stabal!" Felly dywedodd y gweinidog iddo fe, "Da iawn, Dewi! Nawr, wyt ti'n gwybod pam cafodd Iesu Grist ei eni mewn stabal?"

 

Meddyliodd Dewi am foment, ac wedyn dywedodd: "B*****d Saeson prynu tai!"

[neilg 21]

 

1.2 - Forum Language

The language of the forum is English, so please only write in English. Posts written entirely in German (or any other language) will be deleted.

As you are a moderator Mac you could delete your own post ;)

[Slackmack 5]

 

1.2 - Forum Language

The language of the forum is English, so please only write in English. Posts written entirely in German (or any other language) will be deleted.

I had an escape route already planned ;)

[Columbus 2]

Cool puzzle

A man wanted to enter an exclusive club but did not know the password that was required. He waited by the door and listened.

 

A club member knocked on the door and the doorman said, "twelve."

The member replied, "six " and was let in.

 

A second member came to the door and the doorman said, "six."

The member replied, "three" and was let in.

 

The man thought he had heard enough and walked up to the door. The

doorman said ,"ten" and the man replied, "five."

 

But he was not let in. What should have he said?

 

Ans: 3

The man had to reply the number of characters in the word the Doorman

was asking.

He should have replied "Three" instead of "Five".

[Rustic_Cockney 1]

snippet from forthcoming big brother board game

 

[neilg 21]

 

I had an escape route already planned

You sly bugger ;)

[bbulldog 6]

Must be read with an Italian accent

 

One day Ima gonna to Detroit to a bigga hotel. In a morning, I go down to eat breakfast. I tella the waitress I wanna two piss's toast. She bring me only one piss. I tella her I wanna two piss on my plate. She says you better no piss on the plate, you sonna na bitch. I don't even know the lady and she calls me a sonna na bitch.

 

Later I go out to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress bring me a spoon and knife, but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tells me everaone wanna fock. I tella her "You don't understand", I wanna fock on the table. She say you better not fock on the table, you sonna na bitch.

 

So I go back to my room ina hotel and there in no shits ona my bed. I calla the manager and tella him I wanna shit. He tella me to go to the toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna shit ina bed. He say you better no shit on the bed, you sonna na bitch.

 

I go to the chack-out and the man at the desk say "Peace to you". I say "piss on you too, you sonna na bitch. I gonna back to Italy.

[kitkat64 461]

A Somali arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to

the United States. He stops the first person he sees

walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr.

American for letting me in

this country, and giving me housing, food stamps, free

medical care and

free education!"

But the passerby says "You are mistaken, I am

Mexican". The man goes on and encounters another

passerby. "Thank you for having such a beautiful

country here in America!" The person says "I no

American, I Vietnamese."

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he

sees he stops,

shakes his hand and says "Thank you for the wonderful

America!" That

person puts up his hand and says "I am from Middle

East, I am not an

American!" He finally sees a nice lady and asks

suspiciously, "Are you an

American?" She says, "No, I am from Russia!" So he is

puzzled, and asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"

The Russian lady

looks at her watch, shrugs, and says... "Probably at

work

[Number 10 1]

Doesn't anyone proofread anymore???

 

THE YEAR'S BEST [actual] NEWSPAPER HEADLINES:

 

CRACK FOUND ON GOVERNOR'S DAUGHTER

[imagine that!]

 

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

[No, really?]

 

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

[ That'll stop 'em. ]

 

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

[Not if I wipe thoroughly!]

 

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

[What a guy!]

 

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

[No-good-for-nothing lazy so-and-sos!]

 

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

[see if that works any better than a fair trial!]

 

War Dims Hope for Peace

[i can see where it might have that effect!]

 

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

[You think?]

 

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

[Who would have thought!]

 

Enfield Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

[They may be on to something!]

 

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges!

[You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?]

 

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge

[he probably IS the battery charge!]

 

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

[Weren't they fat enough?!]

 

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

[That's what he gets for eating those beans!]

 

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

[Taste like chicken?]

 

Local High School Dropouts Cut In Half

[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]

 

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

[boy, are they tall!]