Jokes

[Guest]

:)

 

[grazzenger 12]

An Australian, an Irishman and a Glaswegian are in a bar.

 

They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.

 

He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad.

 

They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs:

 

"My God, it's Jesus!"

 

Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.

 

Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a bottle of Buckfast.

 

Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.

 

After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.

 

He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.

 

When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: "My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!"

 

Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock.

 

"Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's a miracle."

 

Jesus then approaches the Glaswegian who knocks over a chair and a table in trying to get away from the Son of God.

 

"What's wrong my son?" says Jesus.

 

The Glaswegian shouts, "f*** off, I'm on disability benefit

[pepper 8]

More Christmas spirt piccies

 

 

 

[pepper 8]

...

 

 

 

[Guest]

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

 

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

 

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

 

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

 

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

 

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

 

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"

"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."

"Is it common?"

"Well, It's Not Unusual."

 

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

 

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

 

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

 

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

 

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

 

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

 

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

 

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".

 

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

 

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

[Marshbot 25]

...

 

[Neil373 2]

:D

 

[Slackmack 5]

Manny was almost 29 years old. Most of his friends had already gotten married, and Manny just bounced from one relationship to the next.

 

Finally a friend asked him, "What's the matter, are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you THAT particular? Can't you find anyone who suits you?"

 

"No," Manny replied. "I meet a lot of nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them. So I keep on looking!"

 

"Listen," his friend suggested, "Why don't you find a girl who's just like your dear ole Mother?"

 

Many weeks past before Manny and his friend got together again.

 

"So Manny. Did you find the perfect girl yet. One that's just like your Mother?"

 

Manny shrugged his shoulders, "Yes I found one just like Mom. My mother loved her, they became great friends."

 

"Excellent!!! So,... Are you and this girl engaged, yet?"

 

"I'm afraid not. My Father can't stand her!"

[Slackmack 5]

A man phones home from his office and says to his wife, "I have the chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. I have to leave right away. Please pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas. I'll be home in an hour to pick them up."

 

The man rushes home to grab everything. He hugs his wife, apologizes for the short notice, and then hurries off. A week later, the man returns and his wife asks,

 

"Did you have a good trip, dear?"

 

The man replies, "Yep, the fishing was great... but you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas."

 

His wife smiles and says, "Oh, no I didn't... I put them in your tackle box!"

[Slackmack 5]

Tony excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and is going to get married.

 

Tony says, "Just for fun, Mom, I'm going to bring over two other female friends in addition to my fiancée, and you have to try and guess which one I'm going to marry."

 

The next day, Tony brings 3 beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.

 

He then says, "Okay, Mom. Guess which one I'm going to marry."

 

She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle."

 

"That's amazing! You're right, how did you know?"

 

His mother folds her arms across her chest and says, "I don't like her".

[Slackmack 5]

Jesus and Moses were playing golf one day on the Jack Nicklaus course in Montana.

This course had a particularly difficult hole,

and Moses expressed his doubts that

Jesus could make the shot over the water.

 

"Watch this, Moses, I think I can do it," exclaimed Jesus.

"I've seen Arnold Palmer make this shot,

and if Arnold Palmer can do it,

then so can I."

 

Moses rolled his eyes and let Jesus try.

Sure enough, the ball splashed into the water.

Moses parted the water for Jesus,

who went in to retrieve his ball.

 

Jesus, however, was not ready to give up.

 

"I know I can do this, Moses -- I've seen Arnold Palmer

do it, and if he can do it, then so can I."

 

True to form, however,

Jesus' ball ended up back in the water.

Moses parted the water,

and Jesus went in to retrieve the ball.

 

"Look, Jesus," said Moses. "Try again if you like,

but I'm not parting the water for you again."

 

"Fair enough, Moses," said Jesus.

"But you know, I've seen Arnold Palmer make this shot,

and if Arnold Palmer can do it, then so can I."

 

Once again, Jesus' ball was in the water.

Jesus proceeded to walk upon the water to get it.

 

Another group of golfers came up behind Moses

and saw Jesus walking on the water.

"Holy Cow!" one of them said to Moses.

"Who does that guy think he is, Jesus ?"

 

"No," said Moses, rolling his eyes.

"He thinks he's Arnold Palmer."

[Slackmack 5]

A drunk is sittin on the kerb in front of a bar.

 

A local priest comes along and asks him if he's ok.

 

The drunk says. "Do you know who I am"?

The priest said "no who are you my son"?

"I'm jesus christ and I can prove it". He takes the priest in to the bar.

 

The bartender looks up from what he's doing and screams "Jesus Christ are you here again"

[Slackmack 5]

David Beckham is at a training session.

 

He say's I like them coz they make my "breath fresh" There's stunned silence for a moment then someone shouts "TACTICS not tic tacs dickhead".

[Slackmack 5]

A lady walks into an upmarket car dealership and spots the perfect car.

She goes over to inspect it.

As she bends over to feel the fine upholstery, a loud fart escapes her.

Very embarressed she looks around to see if anyone had noticed.

She turns back to find a salesman standing next to her. "How may we help you today madam" he asks.

Very uncomfortably she asks "what is the price of this wonderful car?".

He answers "Madam if you farted just touching it. You are going to shit yourself at the price.

[Slackmack 5]

Two morons stand on a cliff with their arms outstretched. One has some budgies lined up on each arm, the other has parrots lined up on his arms.

 

After a couple of minutes, they both leap off the cliff and fall to the ground.

 

Laying next to each other in intensive care at the hospital, one moron says to the other, "I don't think much of this budgie jumping."

 

The other moron replies, "Yeah, I'm not too keen on this paragliding either."

[Slackmack 5]

Man goes to the doctor and says "I've got a huge hole in my ass"

 

The doctors says "drop your pants, bend over and let's have a look".

 

"Fck me!!" says the doctor " what could have made a hole as big as that?"

 

Patient replies "I've been raped by an elephant".

 

The doctor says "An elephants penis is long and thin, this hole is enormous".

 

Patient replies "He fingered me first". :o

[Slackmack 5]

A woman was cleaning her husbands dresser drawers when she found 3 golf balls and a box with £2000 in it. She waited for him to come home from the golf course to ask him why these things were hidden in his dresser drawer.

 

The husband said I'm sorry I hid this from you but the truth is every time I cheated on you over the last 30 years I put a golf ball in the drawer.

 

The wife was very upset at first but after thinking about it said "I guess 3 times in 30 years is really not that bad! Oh by the way what is the £2000 in the drawer.

 

The husband replied" Well every time I got to a dozen balls I sold them.

[Slackmack 5]

A lion in the zoo was lying in the sun licking its rear end when a visitor turned to the zoo keeper and said, "That's a docile old thing isn't it?"

"No way," said the zoo keeper, "it's the most ferocious beast in the zoo. Why just an hour ago it dragged a Frenchman into the cage and completely devoured him."

 

"Hardly seems possible" said the astonished visitor, "but why is it lying there licking its rear?"

 

"The poor thing is trying to get the taste out of its mouth."

[Slackmack 5]

Two little girls were at the zoo looking at the crocodiles

"they look like they are asleep the way they lie there so still!" one of them said to the other.

 

Overhearing them the zoo keeper said "don't let em fool you, why only last week a little girl leaned over and the croc dragged her in and ate her"

 

The first girl looked horrified and asked "did it eat her whole ?"No said the keeper ,He spat that bit out!!"

[Slackmack 5]

I see that they are not having any Christmas lights in Vietnam this year, they are only hanging Glitter ;)