Jokes

[archie 3]

George Best is lying in intensive care, where he has been for several months. The nurse comes in, leans over closely to his face and whispers: "George, I have some good news and some bad news".

 

George opens his eyes weakly and says "give me the bad news first".

 

"You've only got one hour to live." she says.

 

"And what's the good news?" he asks.

 

"It's happy hour!"

[Nicole 817]

Classified Ad: Husband Wanted

 

A lonely woman, aged 80, decided that it was time to get married. She

 

put an ad in the local paper that read:

 

HUSBAND WANTED!

 

MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (80's),

 

MUST NOT BEAT ME,

 

MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,

 

AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!

 

ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

 

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she

 

opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair.

 

He had no arms or legs.

 

The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are

 

you? Just look at you...you

 

have no legs!"

 

The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!"

 

She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!"

 

Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!"

 

She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still good in bed?"

 

With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and

 

said, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

[JRD 2]

A Sweet Story!

 

A heart warming story for the upcoming Season

 

Last year, I was rushing around trying to get some last minute Xmas Shopping

done. I was stressed out and not thinking very fondly of the Christmas

season. It was dark, cold, and wet in the multi story Car park when I

noticed that I was missing the shop receipt which I would need To get out of

the car park without paying. So mumbling under my breath, I retraced my

steps to the shopping centre entrance. As I was searching the wet pavement,

I heard a quiet sobbing.

 

The crying was Coming from a poorly dressed boy of about 10 years old. He

was short and Thin. He had no coat. He was just wearing a ragged flannel

shirt to protect him from the cold evenings chill. He was holding two fifty

pound notes in his hand. Thinking that he had got lost from his parents, I

asked him what was wrong and he told me his sad Story.

 

He came from a large family. His father had died when he was seven years

Old. His mother worked two full time jobs to make ends meet. Nevertheless,

She had managed to scrimp and save two hundred pounds to buy her children

Christmas presents.

 

The young boy had been dropped off, by his mother, on the way to her second

Job. He was to use the money to buy presents for all his brothers and

sisters and save just enough to take the bus home. He had not even entered

The shopping centre, when an older boy grabbed two of his fifty pound notes

and disappeared into the night. "why didn't you scream for help?" I asked.

The boy said, "I did." "and Nobody came to help you?" the boy stared at the

ground and sadly shook his head. "how loud did you scream?" I enquired. The

soft-spoken boy looked up And meekly whispered, "help me!" I realised that

absolutely no one could have heard that poor boy cry for Help.

 

So I grabbed his other two fifty pound notes and f*cked off.

[JRD 2]

Effective personality test here...

 

Personality Test

 

Do not click if easily offended!!

[one51 29]

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo

toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arm.

 

Well Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her

first day promptly 8:00 a.m.

 

The next day at 8:45 there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.

 

The Foreman from the assembly line throws open the door and begins to

rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow

and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line

behind schedule.

 

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself so the 2

men march down to the factory floor.

 

When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me

Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile

up.

 

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me

Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small

marbles.

 

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps

it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package

between Elmo's legs.

 

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of

hysterics he pull's himself together and approaches Lena.

 

"I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I

think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you

yesterday... "Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles"

[Columbus 2]

Funny

 

A plain computer illiterate guy rings tech support to report that his computer is faulty.

 

Tech: What's the problem?

User: There is smoke coming out of the power supply.

Tech: You'll need a new power supply.

User: No, I don't! I just need to change the startup files.

Tech: Sir, the power supply is faulty. You'll need to replace it.

User: No way! Someone told me that I just needed to change the startup and it will fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the command.

 

10 minutes later, the User is still adamant that he is right. The tech is frustrated and fed up.

 

Tech: Sorry, Sir. We don't normally tell our customers this, but there is an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem.

User: I knew it!

Tech: Just add the line LOAD NOSMOKE.COM at the end of the CONFIG.SYS. Let me know how it goes.

 

10 minutes later.

 

User: It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking.

Tech: Well, what version of DOS are you using?

User: MS-DOS 6.22.

Tech: That's your problem there. That version of DOS didn't come with NOSMOKE. Contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch that will give you the file. Let me know how it goes.

 

1 hour later.

 

User: I need a new power supply.

Tech: How did you come to that conclusion?

User: Well, I rang Microsoft and told him about what you said, and he started asking questions about the make of power supply.

Tech: Then what did he say?

User: He told me that my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE.

[Neil373 2]

Health and Fitness - Your questions answered

 

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it. Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

 

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

 

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

 

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

 

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain - Good

 

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

 

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

 

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO... Cocoa beans... another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

 

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

 

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

 

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets and remember, "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - strawberries in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming - WOO HOO! what a ride!"

[Parasio 1]

Fantastic Neil! :lol:

[Neil373 2]

20 Things you can only get away with saying at

Christmas

 

1. I prefer breasts to legs

 

2. Smother the butter all over the breasts!

 

3. If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!

 

4. I've never seen a better spread!

 

5. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.

 

6. Are you ready for seconds yet?

 

7. It's a little dry; do you still want to eat it?

 

8. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!

 

9. Don't play with your meat.

 

10. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will

go.

 

11. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these

people at once?

 

12. I didn't expect everyone to come at the same

time!

 

13. You still have a little bit on your chin.

 

14. How long will it take after you put it in?

 

15. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.

 

16. Just pull the end and wait for the bang.

 

17. That's the biggest bird I've ever had!

 

18. I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning

 

19. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and

still want more!

 

20. I do like a good stuffing.

[Number 10 1]

A beautiful woman was walking down the street when she was approached

by a man. The man said, "You are perfection, ... and I must have you right now!

I'll drop £500 on the ground at your feet, and in the time it takes for

you to pick it up, you let me have my way with you roughly from behind!"

 

The woman thought it over and told the man to wait a minute. She called

her friend on her mobile phone and told her about the man's

proposition. Her girlfriend said, "He's an idiot, take it 'cos, when he

drops the £500 on the ground, I'm sure you can pick it up and run

before he even gets his pants down."  Call me back and tell me what happened," the friend says.

 

An hour and a half later the lady had still not called back so her

friend called her, "Well? What happened?" the friend asked.

The lady, breathing rather heavily, said,  "It's in 50-pence coins"

[Neil373 2]

:lol:

 

I'm off to the bank to get some change !!!

[Mickey 4]

During a visit to the Mental Asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criteria was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalised.

 

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

 

Question which would you use??? Now read further down!!!

 

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug."

[Keydeck 9,248]

EARLY RETIREMENT

 

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

 

My name is Doug. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Julie.

 

When I took "early retirement" last year, it became necessary for Julie to get a full-time job, both for extra income and for the health insurance that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf course bout the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour

or so before she starts dinner.

 

I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the Club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door.

 

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

 

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

 

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the backyard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly-squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

 

I know that I probably look like a Saint in the way I support Julie. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, fellas, even if you use just a little more tact and a little less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

 

Signed,

Doug

 

EDITOR'S NOTE: Doug died suddenly Thursday, 26 May 2005. He was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II (golf club) rammed up his behind, with only 2 inches of grip showing. His wife Julie was arrested, but the all-woman jury accepted her defence that he accidentally sat down on it very suddenly.

[roots 59]

Two guys are in a bar. they find out they have the same wedding anniversary.

One asks the other "what did you get your wife for your anniversary?"

The other man replied," A Jaguar and a Mercedes."

"wow thats weird why both?"

"Well if she doesn't like driving the jag she can drive the Mercedes. What did you get your wife?"

"A pair of slippers and a vibrator."

"wow that's really weird why?"

"well if she doesn't like the slippers she can go fuck herself!"

[pepper 8]

Getting into the Christmas spirit...

 

 

[pepper 8]

...

 

 

[pepper 8]

...

 

 

[pepper 8]

..

 

 

[pepper 8]

...

 

[kev 3]

Three men were sitting together bragging how they had given their new wives housework duties. The first man had married a woman from Albania. He bragged

that he had told his wife she was to do all the washing up, laundry, dusting

and cleaning in the house.

He said that this would take a couple of days. On the third day he came home to a clean house, and the dishes were all washed and put away, the laundry too had been done.

 

The second man had married a woman from Korea. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, washing up and the cooking.

He told them that the first day he did not see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

 

The third man married a girl from Britain. He boasted that he told his wife that her duties were to keep the house clean, the dishes washed, the lawn mowed, the laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal.

He said that on the first day he did not see anything, the second day he still did not see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye.