Jokes

[dragon 2]

Chav Christmas Greetings, like, innit

 

On the 1st day of Chavmas my true love sent to me, a pikey in

Burberry.

 

On the 2nd day of Chavmas my true love sent to me, two tracksuit

tops and a pikey in Burberry.

 

On the 3rd day of Chavmas my true love sent to me, three navel

studs, two tracksuit tops and a pikey in Burberry.

 

On the 4th day of Chavmas my true love sent to me, four stolen

phones, three navel studs, two tracksuit tops and a pikey in

Burberry.

 

On the 5th day of Chavmas my true love sent to me, fiiiveee

gooolldd riinngggs, four stolen phones, three navel studs, two

tracksuit tops and a pikey in Burberry.

 

On the 6th day of Chavmas my true love sent to me, six teens

a-laying, fiiiveee gooolldd riinngggs, four stolen phones, three

navel studs, two tracksuit tops and a pikey in Burberry.

 

On the 7th day of Chavmas my true love sent to me, seven scallies

stealing, six teens a-laying, fiiiveee gooolldd riinngggs, four

stolen phones, three navel studs, two tracksuit tops and a pikey in

Burberry.

 

On the 8th day of Chavmas my true love sent to me, eight midriffs

showing, seven scallies stealing, six teens a-laying, fiiiveee

gooolldd riinngggs, four stolen phones, three navel studs, two

tracksuit tops and a pikey in Burberry.

 

On the 9th day of Chavmas my true love sent to me, nine ladies

drinking, eight midriffs showing, seven scallies stealing, six

teens a-laying, fiiiveee gooolldd riinngggs, four stolen phones,

three navel

studs, two tracksuit tops and a pikey in Burberry.

 

On the 10th day of Chavmas my true love sent to me, ten lads

joy-riding, nine ladies drinking, eight midriffs showing, seven

scallies stealing, six teens a-laying, fiiiveee gooolldd riinngggs,

four stolen phones, three navel studs, two tracksuit tops and a

pikey in Burberry.

 

On the 11th day of Chavmas my true love sent to me, eleven prammers

pushing, ten lads joy-riding, nine ladies drinking, eight midriffs

showing, seven scallies stealing, six teens a-laying, fiiiveee

gooolldd riinngggs, four stolen phones, three navel studs, two

tracksuit tops and a pikey in Burberry.

 

On the 12th day of Chavmas my true love sent to me, twelve chavvers

chavving, eleven prammers pushing, ten lads joy-riding, nine ladies

drinking, eight midriffs showing, seven scallies stealing, six

teens a-laying, fiiiveee gooolldd riinngggs, four stolen phones,

three navel studs, two tracksuit tops and a pikey in Burberry

[dragon 2]

The Chav-tivity

 

There's this bird called Mary, yeah? She's a virgin (wossat then?)

 

She's not married or nuffink, but she's got this boyfriend, Joe,

innit? He does joinery an' that. Mary lives with him in a crib dahn

Nazaref.

 

One day Mary meets this bloke Gabriel. She's like `Oo ya lookin at?'

Gabriel just goes 'You got one up the duff, you have.' Mary's

totally gobsmacked. She gives it to him large 'Stop dissin' me yeah?

I ain't no Kappa-slapper. I never bin wiv no one!'

 

So Mary goes and sees her cousin Liz, who's six months gone herself.

Liz is largin' it. She's filled with spirits, Barcardi Breezers an'

that.

 

She's like 'Orright, Mary, I can feel me bay-bee in me tummy and I

reckon I'm well blessed. Think of all the extra benefits an' that we

are gonna get.' Mary goes 'Yeah, s'pose you're right'

 

Mary an' Joe ain't got no money so they have to ponse a donkey, an'

go dahn Bethlehem on that. They get to this pub an' Mary wants to

stop, yeah? To have her bay-bee an' that.

 

But there ain't no room at the inn, innit? So Mary an' Joe break an'

enter into this garridge, only it's filled wiv animals. Cahs an'

sheep an' that.

 

Then these three geezers turn up, looking proper bling, wiv crowns

on their heads. They're like `Respect, bay-bee Jesus', an' say

they're wise men from the East End.

 

Joe goes: 'If you're so wise, wotchoo doin' wiv this Frankenstein

an' myrrh? Why dincha just bring gold, Adidas and Burberry?' It's

all about to kick off when Gabriel turns up again an' sez he's got

another message from this Lord geezer.

 

He's like 'The police is comin an' they're killin all the bay-bees.

You better nash off to Egypt.' Joe goes 'You must be monged if you

think I'm goin' dahn Egypt on a minging donkey'

 

Gabriel sez 'Suit yerself, pal. But it's your look out if you stay.'

So they go dahn Egypt till they've stopped killin the first-born an'

it's safe an' that.

 

Then Joe and Mary and Jesus go back to Nazaref, an' Jesus turns

water into Stella.

 

APPY CRIMBO

[Schotte 1,403]

News from Celtic Park today - due to consideration of the rangers fans and players the next old firm game will be huddleless.

 

Instead the team will form a triangle.

 

This is to show the beasts what 3 points looks like!!!

 

-----------

disgracefully copy and pasted from a celtic forum

[pootle 94]

Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex 3 times a night.

 

Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued. After the show, Cilla said, "Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer. Lets go back to my ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun.

 

So they went back to her place. After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together.

 

Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold my bawls in your left hand and ma wullie in your right hand".

 

Cilla looks a bit perplexed,but says "Okay".

He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before.

 

Then Sean says, "Cilla, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to..."I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem hun".

 

Cilla complies with the routine. The results are absolutely mind blowing.

 

Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks "Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer willie in de other - does it really stimulate yer dat much?"

 

Sean replies, "No, not at all Cilla, but the last time I shlept with a scouser, the b!tch stole ma wallet !".

[fap fap fap fap fap 1]

Pete the sewer worker has been in his job for twenty years and the town mayor decides to visit Pete at work and make a little presentation.

 

The mayor climbs down into the sewer and gets chatting to Pete about why he likes his job so much.

 

"Well" Pete says "My job is fascinating. You see that big turd floating past us now? That's from the carpenters. I can tell because you can see sawdust in it. Now this next one. That's from the gardeners. I can tell because it's got grass clipping s it. Now the big black turd coming into view now is from my wife".

 

The mayor is incredulous. "Pete, I can understand the logic behind the gardener and the carpenter, but how the hell do you know thatthat turd out of all the millions of turds in the sewer is from your wife?"

 

"Ahh, it's got me lunch tied to it."

[Nicole 817]

David Blunkett shows up at the Home Office for work.

 

His secretary says, "What are you doing here, you got sacked?"

 

He replies, "I know. I wish someone would tell this fucking dog."

[Raffles 53]

A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"

 

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

 

Man: So what happened that's so horrible?

 

Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket.

 

Man: Ok, but that's not so bad.

 

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

 

Man: So what happened then?

 

Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.

 

Man: and then?

 

Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.

 

Man: Again?

 

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

 

Man: So, what did you do then?

 

Farmer: I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.

 

Man: and then?

 

Farmer: Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.

 

Man: Hmmm...

 

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

 

Man: So, what did you do?

 

Farmer: Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

 

At that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in...

[Columbus 2]

A Beautiful story for all those who believe in LOVE...

 

A long time ago, before the world was created and humans set foot on it, God had put all the human "qualities" in a separate room.

 

Since all the qualities were bored they decided to play hide & seek.

 

"Madness" was one of the qualities and he shouted: "I want to count, I want to count!"

 

And since nobody was crazy enough to want to seek "Madness", all the other qualities agreed. So "Madness" leaned against a tree and started to count:

 

"One, two, three..."

 

As "Madness" counted, the qualities went hiding.

 

"Treason" hid in a pile of garbage...

 

"Lie" said that it would hide under a stone, but hid at the bottom of the lake.

 

And Madness continued to count "... seventy nine, eighty, eighty one..."

 

By this time, all the qualities were already hidden except "Love ''. For stupid as "Love" is, he could not decide where to hide. And this should not surprise us, because we all know how difficult it is to hide "Love".

 

"Madness": "...ninety five, ninety six, ninety seven..." Just when madness" got to one hundred..."Love" jumped into a rose bush where he hid.

 

And Madness turned around and shouted: "I'm coming, I'm coming!"

 

As Madness turned around, "Laziness" was the first to be found, because "Laziness" was too lazy to hide. "Madness" searched madly and found "Lie" at the bottom of the lake. One by one, Madness found them all except Love.

 

Madness was getting desperate, unable to find Love.

 

Envious of Love, "Envy" whispered to "Madness" "You only need to find Love, and Love is hiding in the rose bush."

 

"Madness" Jumped on the rose bush and he heard loud cry. The thorns in the bush had pierced "Loves" eyes. Hearing the commotion God came into the room and saw what had happened.

 

He got very angry and cursed "Madness" and said since "Love" has become blind because of u ...u shall always be with him"

 

And so it came about that from that day on,

 

"Love is blind and is always accompanied by Madness!"

[dragon 2]

Three men die on Christmas Eve and are met by

St Peter at the pearly gates.

 

"In honour of this holy season," says Saint Peter,

"You must each possess something that symbolises

Christmas to get into heaven."

 

The first man goes through his pockets and

pulls out a lighter, flicks it on,

saying, "It represents a candle."

"You may pass through the pearly gates,"

says St Peter.

 

The second man pulls out a set of keys, shakes

them and says, "They're bells."

St Peter lets him pass.

 

The third man looks desperate and finally pulls

a g-string from his pocket. St. Peter looks

quizzical and asks, "Just how do those

symbolise Christmas?"

 

The man replies, "They're Carols."

[Tim Hortons Man 543]

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process

all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day just before Christmas, a letter landed on his desk, simply

addressed in shaky handwriting to "God".

With no other clue on the envelope, he opened the letter and read, "Dear

God, I am an 83 year old widow living on the State pension. Yesterday

someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I had in

the world and no pension due until after Christmas. Next week is Christmas

and I had invited two of my friends over for Xmas

dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no

family to turn to, and you are my only hope. God; can you please help me?"

The postal worker was really touched, and put a copy of the letter up on

the Staff Notice board, at the main sorting office where he worked.

The letter touched the other postmen and they all dug into their pockets

and had a whip round. Between them they raised £96. Using an official

franked Post Office envelope, they sent the cash on to the old lady, and

for the rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of the

nice thing they had done.

Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter simply addressed

to "God" landed in the Sorting Office. Many of the postmen gathered around

while the letter was opened.

It read, "Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for

me? Because of your generosity, I was able to provide a lovely dinner for

my friends. We had a very nice day, and I told my friends of your wonderful

gift - in fact we haven't gotten over it and our Vicar is beside himself

with joy.

By the way, there was £4 missing. I think it must have been those thieving

Bastards at the Post Office."

 

-------------------------

Alcohol is the anaesthesia by which we endure the operation of life.

[Columbus 2]

Pay your bills

 

Michael the Dragon Master was an official in King Arthur's court.

 

He had a long-standing obsession to nuzzle the beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts. But he knew the penalty for this would be death.

 

One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio, who was the King's chief physician.

 

Horatio said, "I can arrange it, but I will need 1,000 gold coins to pay bribes."

 

Michael the Dragon Master readily agreed.

 

The next day Horatio made up a batch of itching lotion and poured a little of it into the Queens brassiere while she was taking a bath. Soon after she dressed the itching commenced and grew in intensity.

 

Upon being called to the royal chambers, Horatio told the King that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown such a saliva was only to be found in Michael the Dragon Master's mouth.

 

King Arthur summoned Michael the Dragon Master.

 

Michael the Dragon Master slipped the antidote to the itching lotion, which Horatio had given him, into his mouth and for the next four hours worked passionately on the Queen's magnificent breasts.

 

Satisfied, he returned to his chamber and found Horatio demanding payment.

 

However, with his obsession now satisfied, he refused to pay Horatio anything and shooed him away, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King.

 

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching lotion onto King Arthur's loincloth.

 

King Arthur summoned Michael the Dragon Master...

 

Moral of the story: Pay your bills.

[Raffles 53]

A man walks in to a kebab shop and is surprised to see Father Christmas serving behind the counter.

 

"Santa!" he says. "What are you doing working here? Shouldn't you be up at the North Pole preparing for the big day?"

 

Santa Claus sighs. He's really let himself go. The red suit's got lard and chilli sauce and bits of lettuce all over it. His apron's in a mess and he just looks fed up and like he doesn't want to be serving up kebabs for a living.

 

"Well," Santa says at last, "the business has gone belly up, the traditional toy industry took a beating. I had to lay off some of the elves, make cut backs in quality and we just lost our competitive edge. Plus we wound up the delivery side and subcontracted out to UPS. But... it didn't help. The receivers came in, asset-stripped the business and we went into liquidation."

 

"Gee," the man says. "I'm really sorry, it kind of takes the tradition out of Christmas in a way."

 

"Yeah," says Santa Claus and manages a wan smile. "Well enough of me and my woes. What can I get you?"

 

The guy says, "I'll have a large Donner."

 

"Sorry," says Santa. "We're all out of Donner. Will Blitzen do instead?"

Thread List Earlier Posts All Posts Page: 1 ... 18 19 20

[Raffles 53]

How To Give a Pill To Your Cat.

 

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your

left arm as if holding a baby. Position right

forefinger and thumb on either side of the cat's

mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while

holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop

pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and

swallow.

 

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.

Put plaster on right thumb. Cradle cat in left arm

and repeat process.

 

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill

away. Put plaster on left thumb.

 

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left

arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand.

Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth

with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count

of ten.

 

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top

of wardrobe. Call spouse in from garden.

 

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between

knees while holding front and rear paws. Ignore

low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head

firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler

into mouth. Drop pill down ruler while rubbing

cat's throat vigorouslly.

 

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail and get another

pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler

and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered

Doulton figures from hearth and set to one side

for gluing later.

 

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on

cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put

pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open

with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

 

9. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to

humans. Drink glass of water to take taste away.

Apply plaster to spouse's forearm and remove blood

from carpet with cold water and soap.

 

10. Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another

pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door on to

neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with

a dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with

rubber band.

 

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back

on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check

medical records for date of last tetanus jab.

Throw t-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

 

12. Call the fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree

across road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed

into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last

pill from foil wrap.

 

13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden

twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table.

Get heavy duty pruning gloves from shed and force

cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill

into mouth followed by large piece of fillet

steak. Hold head vertically and pour pint of

water down throat to wash pill down.

 

14. Get spouse to drive you to the hospital, sit

quietly while doctor stiches fingers, forearm,

chest and face and removes pill remnants from

right eye. Call at furniture shop on way home to

order new table.

 

15. Arrange for USPCA to collect cat and call local

pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

[Neil373 2]

Double Entendres - TV's Hilarious Gaffes

 

MIKE Hallett on Sky Sports discussing snooker during a match where Steve Davis kept missing easy pots "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

 

MICHAEL Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."

 

STEVE Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."

 

Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

 

JACK Burnicle was talking about Colin Edward's tyre choice on World Superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now."

 

WINNING Post's Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees."

 

ROSS King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond: "Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."

 

DURING the 1989 British Masters golf tournament, the commentator observed: "Notices are appearing at courses telling golfers not to lick their balls on the green."

 

CRICKETER Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off."

 

CLAIR Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."

 

JAMES Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: "What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"

 

THE new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough Scott's breath away..."My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent erection."

 

WILLIE Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions."

 

USPGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my god! What have I just said?"

 

David Coleman at the Montreal Olympics - "And there goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class."

 

Metro Radio - "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

 

Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew."

 

Ted Walsh- Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."

 

New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."

 

Pat Glenn- Weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"

 

(non sports) Chris Tarrant discussing the first Who wants to be a Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This Morning: "She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last night."

[Neil373 2]

:lol:

 

click pic to expand

 

[Neil373 2]

:lol:

 

Grretings cards for Chavs

 

 

 

[Guest]

Spot the ball...

 

[Rustic_Cockney 1]

Police have today admitted that George Best was not in fact buried in Belfast last week and that in retrospect the decision to cremate him in Hemel Hempstead on Sunday morning might have been a mistake.

[Nicole 817]

Excellent!!!

[Nicole 817]

 

Police have today admitted that George Best was not in fact buried in Belfast last week and that in retrospect the decision to cremate him in Hemel Hempstead on Sunday morning might have been a mistake.

He also left Callum three million pounds, However,it’s thought he'll have trouble taking that many

 

empties to the local off license