Jokes

4,871 posts in this topic

After her sixth child, Jane decided that she should have some Cosmetic surgery "down below" to restore herself to her former youthful glory,

because her bomb doors were dangling a bit too low and looked like a ripped out fireplace.

Time and childbirth had taken its toll and she reckoned that, with six children now being the limit, she'd tidy things

with a nip here and a tuck there so it looked more like a piggy bank slot rather than a badly packed kebab.

Following the operation she awoke from her anesthetic to find three roses at the end of the bed.

"Who are these from?" she asked the nurse, "They're very nice but I'm a bit

confused as to why I've received them."

"Well" said the nurse; "The first is from the surgeon - the operation went so well and you were such

a model patient that he wanted to say thanks".

"Ahhh, that's really nice" said Jane.

"The second is from your husband - he's delighted the operation was such a success that he can't wait to get you home.

Apparently it'll be the first time he's touched the sides for years and he's very excited!"

"Brilliant!" said Jane.

"And the third?" "That's from Eric, a patient in the burns unit," said the nurse. "He just wanted

to say thanks for his new ears."

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> >A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy cold Monday

> >morning. It's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but

> >amazingly neither of them are hurt.

 

> >After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man.

> >That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's

> >nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we

> >should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our

> >days".

 

> >Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must

> >be a sign from God!"

 

> >The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is

> >completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God

> >wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

 

> >Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement,

> >opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

 

> >The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands

> >it back to the man.

 

> >The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

 

> >The woman replies, "No, I think I'll just wait for the police..."

 

> >MORAL OF THE STORY: Women are clever, evil bitches. Don't mess with them.

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Tired of living in the big city Joe moves out to the sticks into a quaint little log cabin and begins his new rural life. After a few days a big bear of a guy comes knocking on the door dressed in blue overalls, wearing a straw hat and smelling of moonshine. Joe is a bit wary at first but then decides to open the door.

 

The big guy says "I saw that you are new in the area and thought I'd invite you over to a little party I'm having this Friday night."

 

Taken aback by the surprising friendliness of the big guy Joe smiles and relaxes a bit,

 

"I have to warn you though," says the neighbor "there's apt to be some pretty heavy drinking at this party."

 

Joe contemplates this for a moment before the neighbor chimes in again,

 

"And, I wouldn't be at all surprised if there are a few brawls throughout the night."

 

Joe thought about this and figured that it was probably natural that with so many people drinking that a brawl or two might break out,

 

"And 9 times out of 10 there ends up being some pretty rough sex during the night."

 

Well, Joe agrees that it sounds like a bit of a crazy party, but being bored he decides what the hell. So he says; "Okay, great, I'm in. What should I wear?"

 

To which the neighbor replies

"Don't make no difference to me. Just gonna be the two of us anyhow."

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One for monday.

 

An elderly couple, Sam and Betsie, are from Texas.

Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, and is walking proudly all the way home. He walks into the house and says to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"

Betsie looks him over, "Nope."

Frustrated Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?"

Betsie takes a good look at his penis and says, "Sam, what's so different? It's hanging down today it was hanging down yesterday and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Sam yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN BETSIE? IT'S LOOKING DOWN AND ADMIRING MY NEW COWBOY BOOTS!"

To which Betsie replies, ever so slowly, "Shoulda bought a hat, Sam.

Ya shoulda bought a hat."

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A professional orchestra began playing Beethoven's Ninth Symphony during a concert. As it happens, there isn't a lot for the tubas to play for a while. The lead tuba player suggests they sneak out the back door, to the bar across the street for a quick beer. Just so they would know where they were when they returned, the tuba players tied string around their music parts.

 

When they returned, it was the bottom of the ninth, the basses were loaded, and the score was tied.

 

Submitted by Joseph Walsh of Lansing, Michigan to the Prairie Home Companion Show

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A piece of rope walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says, "sorry, we don't serve rope here." So the rope walks outside, ties himself in a knot, and frays his ends a bit. He then walks back into the bar and asked for a drink. The bartender says, "Hey, aren't you that rope that was just in here?" The rope goes "Nope, I'm afraid not."

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CONCERNED ABOUT TOO MANY CARBS IN YOUR DIET?

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on

nutrition and health.

It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical

studies.

 

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks

than Americans.

 

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks

than Americans.

 

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart

attacks than Americans.

 

4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer

fewer heart attacks than Americans.

 

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and

fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

 

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like.

Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

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Homer, a handsome dude, walked into a sports

bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to this blonde

at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10:00 news

was on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on

a ledge of a large building preparing to jump. The

blonde looked at Homer and said, "Do you think he'll

jump?"

Homer says, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Homer placed $20 on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the

guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to

his death. The blonde was very upset and

handed her $20 to Homer, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's

your money."

Homer replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this

earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."

The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think

he'd do it again." Homer took the money...

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A skeleton goes to the dentist for his annual checkup. After the checkup the dentist says "Well Mr. Skeleton, your teeth are in fantastic condition, but I'm a little worried about your gums."

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> An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her

> car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation

> to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the

> brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.

> The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way.

> " A few minutes later, the officer radios in.

> "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."

 

> As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.

> Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I

> just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on

> Interstate 77. Please be careful!"

>

> "Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

 

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely

see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The

woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I

could have sworn we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the

light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had

been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was

getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and

they went on through.

So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know

that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed

us both!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Crap, am I driving?"

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Two nuns are driving along when suddenly a vampire lands on the bonnet of the car and is about to attack them.

 

One of the nuns shouts to the other, "Quick, show him your cross!".

 

So the other shouts out the window, "Oi you, FUCK OFF!!!"

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An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter, "Me want coffee." The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up," and gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.

 

The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun causing parts of the beast to splatter everywhere, and then he just walks out.

 

The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Me want coffee."

 

The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"

 

The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Me training for upper management position: Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day."

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One hand on steering wheel, one hand out of window.

- Sydney

 

One hand on steering wheel, one hand on horn

- Japan

 

One hand on steering wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on

accelerator... - Boston

 

Both hands on steering wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in

terror - New York

 

Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to

talk to someone in back seat - Italy

 

One hand on horn,

one hand on holding gear,

one ear listening to loud music,

one ear on cell phone,

one foot on accelerator,

one foot on clutch,

nothing on break,

eyes on females in next car,

- Welcome to INDIA!

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Two sausages frying in a pan.

 

One turns to the other and says "Fuck, it's hot in here!"

 

The other sausage screams "Aaah! A talking sausage!!!"

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Some Chav jokes (sorry for the double posting, also in Chav thread)

 

Why are chavs like Slinkies? They have no real use, but it's great to watch one fall down a flight of stairs.

 

What's the first question in a chavs' quiz night? "Oo you lookin' at?"

 

Two chavs in a car, but no music. Who's driving? The police.

 

Or this: A chav walks into a jobcentre and announces, "Oi, I'm looking for work." The official says, "You couldn't have come at a better time. We've just had this in: chauffeur for a millionaire who needs his nymphomaniac twin daughters driving round in his Mercedes.

 

"Full board is included, and you have to accompany the girls on their many foreign holidays. The salary is £100,000 pa."

 

The chav says, "You're having me on!"

 

"Right," says the clerk, "but you started it."

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A man accosts the zookeeper and complains that the monkeys arent there.

 

Keeper: They are inside, making love. Maybe u can wait a little.

Man: Aww, but I really want to see them now. Will they come out if I offer them some peanuts.

Keeper: Would you??

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