Jokes

[Acton 1,529]

[Acton 1,529]

A person from Save the Children was giving a lecture to a group of people at a fund-raising event. He told the audience, " Every time

I clap my hands together, a child dies in Africa". And proceeded to clap his hands every second.

 

A lady shouts from the back, " For heaven's sake man, stop clapping your hands then!"

[hooperski 29,414]

I had a telephone consultation with my GP about my Insomnia ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... he recommended an app.

[hooperski 29,414]

To try and put some sparkle back into our relationship, my wife said;

"Why don't you treat me the way you did before, when we were dating?"

So I took her to McDonald's ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... then dropped her off at her parent's house.

 

[Janx Spirit 11,070]

On a dark and stormy night, a jazz bebop group, including a  pianist, a bass player, and drummer and a saxophonist, were going to a paying gig when a big blast of wind pushed the car sideways and off the road.  They all perished in the crash.

But, miraculously, they all came to stand at St. Peter's gate and were met by the very joyous St. Pete, himself.

"Hey, you four cool cats!  What's up?  Sorry 'bout what happened to you but, at least you're here!  And I have got two pieces of news for you - though it might be, good news and bad news.  Which do  you want first?"

The pianist, the leader of the group said, "All things considered, we  could all use some good news."

St. Peter exclaimed, "Well, I'm happy to tell you that you're gonna get a great pad where you can practice all you want, any time you want - no complaints!  The Big Man loves jazz!  And you only are encouraged to play on weekends, but you get all you can eat!"

The hipsters were happy to hear that.  "Great!  Now, what's the bad news?"

St. Pete said, "Well, you see, God's got a girl friend..."

The bass player said, "And?"

St. Peter, grimaced and said, "Well, she likes to sing!"

[Acton 1,529]

At a conference about uncontrolled world poulation growth, the speaker said,

 

"Somewhere in the world, a woman is giving birth to a baby every 8 seconds." (Yes, this story is very old).

 

Someone from the back shouts,

 

" Somebody has to find this woman urgently and stop her!"

[Acton 1,529]

[Acton 1,529]

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem – how to carry his entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, ‘Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane’
The farmer said, ‘Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can’t carry this lot.’
The old lady suggested, ‘Why don’t you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand’
‘Why thank you very much,’ he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says ‘Let’s take my short cut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no time.’
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, ‘I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?’
The farmer said, ‘Holy smokes lady! I’m carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?’
The old lady replied…… ‘Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens.

[Acton 1,529]

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem – how to carry his entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, ‘Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane’
The farmer said, ‘Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can’t carry this lot.’
The old lady suggested, ‘Why don’t you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand’
‘Why thank you very much,’ he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says ‘Let’s take my short cut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no time.’
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, ‘I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?’
The farmer said, ‘Holy smokes lady! I’m carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?’
The old lady replied…… ‘Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens.

[hooperski 29,414]

(on a date)

Her,  "Any pets?"

Him, "Goldfish".

Her, "Any hobbies?"

Him, "He likes swimming".

[hooperski 29,414]

I entered the Welsh Ironman Contest ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... managed to do three shirts.

[hooperski 29,414]

My wife would do anything for some skinny genes.

[hooperski 29,414]

Two silkworms took part in a race ... ... ... ... ended up in a tie.

[Acton 1,529]

After a Beer Festival in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

After a Beer Festival in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

Corona's president sits down and says, "Señor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona."

The bartender takes a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

Then Budweiser's president says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser."

The bartender gives him one.

Coors' president says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, the only one made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors."

He gets it.

The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke."

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?"

and the Guinness president replies, "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."

[AnswerToLife42 2,491]

A woman walks into a library and approaches the front desk.
"I'm looking for a particular book on my son but I forgot what it's called."
The librarian says "oh, well do you remember what it's about?"
The woman replies "It's an adventure story about Pavlov's dog and Schrödinger's cat.
The librarian looks up and says "hm, it rings a bell, but I'm not sure if we have it or not."

[Wulfrun 23,033]

 

[HH_Sailor 3,529]

Quote

Pasta one-liner wins best joke award at Edinburgh festival fringe

West Midlands comedian Masai Graham, who works as a part-time care worker, wins title for second time

 

 

Then here the winner and runners up from the Fringe : 

 

Quote

Dave’s top 10 funniest jokes of the Fringe festival 2022

 

1. I tried to steal spaghetti from the shop, but the female guard saw me and I couldn’t get pasta – Masai Graham (52%)

2. Did you know, if you get pregnant in the Amazon, it’s next day delivery? – Mark Simmons (37%)

3. My attempts to combine nitrous oxide and Oxo cubes made me a laughing stock – Olaf Falafel (36%)

4. By my age, my parents had a house and a family, and to be fair to me, so do I, but it is the same house and the same family – Hannah Fairweather (35%)

5. I hate funerals. I’m not a mourning person – Will Mars (34%)

6. I spent the whole morning building a time machine, so that’s four hours of my life that I’m definitely getting back – Olaf Falafel (33%)

7. I sent a food parcel to my first wife. FedEx – Richard Pulsford (29%)

8. I used to live hand to mouth. Do you know what changed my life? Cutlery – Tim Vine (28%)

9. Don’t knock threesomes. Having a threesome is like hiring an intern to do all the jobs you hate – Sophie Duker (27%)

10. I can’t even be bothered to be apathetic these days – Will Duggan (25%

 

The rest

[Janx Spirit 11,070]

Some previous winners:

 

 "I keep randomly shouting out 'Broccoli' and 'Cauliflower' - I think I might have florets".

 

"Working at the Jobcentre has to be a tense job - knowing that if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day."

 

"My dad suggested I register for a donor card, he's a man after my own heart."

 

 "I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It's Hans free."

 

 "I decided to sell my Hoover... well it was just collecting dust."

 

 "I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa."

 

"You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks."

 

"I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves."

 

"Hedgehogs - why can't they just share the hedge?"

[Acton 1,529]

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: “I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you”

She answers, ” My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything.

I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”

Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”

She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that –

you have to be single and

you must be Catholic.”

The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!”

“OK,” the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.”

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

“My dear child,” said the nun, why are you crying?”

“Forgive me but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.”

The nun says, “That’s OK. My name is Steve and I’m going to a Halloween party!”

[hooperski 29,414]

My therapist told me that letting your pet sleep in your bed with you, sometimes relieves anxiety.

So I gave it a try.  I've still got anxiety ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... and my goldfish is dead.