Jokes

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Dave and Pete were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft engineers in Darwin, Australia .
One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
Dave said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'
Pete says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz.
You wanna try it?'
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed.
The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.
In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing!
Then the phone rings. It's Pete.
Pete says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning?'
Dave says, 'I feel great, how about you?'
Pete says, 'I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?'
Dave says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often..'
' Yeah, well there's just one thing.'
'What's that?'
'Have you farted yet?'
'No.'
'Well, DON’T - 'cause I'm in New Zealand '
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Two friends took a trip to New York. One day they decided to go exploring with each going opposite directions.

 

That evening when they got back the one says to the other, "I found the greatest pub EVER! The people are friendly the food and prices are fabulous, the drinks are incredible and they have a gold toilet in the Men's restroom!"

 

So the next day they both go to this amazing establishment! The bartender asks what they would like to have. The one orders food and cocktails. The other says to the bartender, "My buddy was telling me what a great place this is! I can't wait to see the toilet made of gold in the Men's restroom!"

 

The bartender is quiet and after a few moments turns around and says, "Hey... Peter, I found the jerk that took a crap in your tuba last night!"

 

 

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A blonde and a brunette are in a car, the brunette mentions that Christmas falls on a Friday this year,,,

The blonde says, "I hope it's not on the thirteenth..."

 

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Olaf the Viking is shopping at a supermarket when he comes across an old lady in a wheelchair, almost in tears.
"What's the matter?" asks Olaf.
"Oh," sobs the old lady. "I want to have a look at the frozen puddings but, as you can see, there are three steps down into the chiller cabinets."
"No problem," says Olaf, lifting her onto his back. "I'll take you."
Olaf strolls through the chiller cabinets with the old lady on his back. She selects several puddings and puts them in the basket he is carrying for her.
At the other end the old lady's husband is waiting with her wheelchair. 
"I'd really like to thank you," says the old lady as Olaf sets her back down in the chair, "but I don't even know who you are!" 
Olaf just waves and walks off.
"I was really worried about you," comments the old lady's husband. "What have you been doing?"
"I've been through the desserts on a Norse with no name."

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William Shatner wanted to start up a line of women's underwear...
 
Unfortunately, Shatner Panties wasn't the greatest brand name
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Boris Johnson has a lot to answer for. My kids have been following the news so now of course they also want a birthday party with cakes and singing and a bloody clown!

 

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How do you know how heavy a chili pepper is?

 

Quote

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.

 

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There seem to be no jokes on here anymore. What's up folks?

If noone posts any, I'll be tempted!

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My grandpa is really mad at me. He hasn’t answered my calls ever since church last week. 2 weeks ago I went to church with my grandma. Right in the middle of the service I leaned over and told grandma, “Grandma, I have to pee really bad.” Grandma looked at me and said, “Don’t say pee in church. Just say whisper.”
So last week I went to church with my grandpa and in the middle of the service I told grandpa, “Grandpa, I have to whisper really bad!” Grandpa looks at me and says, “Just whisper in my ear.”

 

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