Jokes

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So the girl lobster told her father that she was in love with a boy crab.

Her father was very angry.

"How could you" he said. "Types like that can't even walk straight"

"They walk sideways"

 

She was very upset and told her boyfriend.

 

He came round that evening and walked straight up to her father. 

"I wish to marry your daughter" he said.

 

The father lobster was very impressed by the young crab and his posture.

He looked at his happy daughter and the boy crab and gave his blessing.

 

The girl lobster and the boy crab walked in a straight line out of the cave and onto the beach outside.

 

She was overjoyed.

"How did you learn to walk straight"? she asked  giving him a big hug.

 

"Shut up - I'm drunk" he replied.

 

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A woman was sued by a man for defamation of character. He charged that she had called him a pig. The woman was found guilty and fined.
After the trial she asked the judge "This means that I cannot call Mr. Johnson a pig?" The judge said that was true.

“Does this also mean I cannot call a pig Mr. Johnson?" the woman asked. The judge replied that she could indeed call a pig Mr. Johnson with no fear of legal action.

With that the woman turned to her accuser and said "Good afternoon, Mr. Johnson".

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As a singer I sing at many funerals and I was recently asked by a funeral director to sing at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a Pauper's Cemetery out near Indiana. As I was not familiar with the area, I got lost. Everyone that knows me knows I'm directionally challenged AND the further I drove the signal for my navigation weakened and eventually dropped.
I hate Sprint!!
Anyways I finally arrived an hour late and saw that the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt bad and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to sing. The workers put down their lunch and began to gather around. I sang my heart and soul out for this man with no family and friends.
As I sang “Amazing Grace”, the spirit of God began to move and the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I prayed a benediction and started for my car my head hung low but my heart so FULL.
As I opened the door to my car, I overheard one of the workers say, “I’ve never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

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I read in an online article that Richard Gere lost out on a movie role early on in his career.

He got the part but the problems started with how much money he wanted to play the role.

 

The studio said he asked for too much and advised him in future to not be so greedy..

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7 hours ago, cb6dba said:

I read in an online article that Richard Gere lost out on a movie role early on in his career.

He got the part but the problems started with how much money he wanted to play the role.

 

The studio said he asked for too much and advised him in future to not be so greedy..

 

I thought it was due to his furry fetish, i.e., his rumored emergency 'gerbilectomy' aka rodent up the bum

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You mean "felching"?  I heard that one in the 1980s - Snopes classifies it as an uban legend...

 

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2 hours ago, Metall said:

You mean "felching"?  I heard that one in the 1980s - Snopes classifies it as an uban legend...

 

Think you mean "gerbiling".  Felching is a bit different.

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On 7.12.2020, 11:12:38, cb6dba said:

I read in an online article that Richard Gere lost out on a movie role early on in his career.

He got the part but the problems started with how much money he wanted to play the role.

 

The studio said he asked for too much and advised him in future to not be so greedy..

 

Oh, finally I get it (not enough red wine, I fear).

 

You mean - Richard Greedy

translated without deepl.com

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I would take a bullet for my wife...

 

then complain about how she was driving all the way to the hospital.

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Origin of the Yodel.

 

A young man found himself in Switzerland in a storm and was forced to knock on the door of a mountain home to seek shelter.

He was allowed to stay there the night until the storm blew out.

In the house was a beautiful daughter, a wife and a husband.

 

The next morning, he made his way up over the mountains until he was halted by the furious cry of the husband and father.

He shouted, " We gave you food and shelter and how did you repay us`? You had your evil way with my daughter!"

 

The young man turned on the opposite mountain peak, and shouted in repy, ' And-your-a-old-a-lady too!"

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A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

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A man is sitting at his regular bar looking glum. Another regular notices, "Hey, why are you looking so glum?"
"It was my birthday last night, and my friends all pitched in and got me a sweater"
"Well, that seems like a nice thing!"
"I guess so, but last year they got me a screamer."

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