Jokes

[HEM 9,731]

Quote

An elderly couple was sitting on there rocking chairs rocking back and forth.
When the woman whacked her husband as hard as she could right off his chair.
Surprised and disorientated he said: "now why did you do that?" and she replied: "That is for 50 years of horrible sex".

So he sits back down and thinks about it for a while, and pretty soon you hear another whack, this time the wife falls off the chair and soon, gets back up and says "what was that for?”
He replied, "that is for knowing the difference."

 

[Techsmex 12,463]

I've been learning German for 20 years..  It's zwanzig Jahren.

[Elljay 187]

@Techsmex Oh, for heaven's sake! I'm dense sometimes, it took me an hour to get it.

[krakp 146]

I still did not get it :-(. Any tips :-)?

[john g. 33,506]

Maybe - just maybe - it is the use of the dative “ Jahren “ , implying “ seit “ before “ zwanzig Jahren “ ( -ing plus “ for “).

😀

[Elljay 187]

@krakp Read it as: I've been learning  the German...

[krakp 146]

Don't feel any smarter with the tips.... I think I will get my coat... 

[krakp 146]

Haaaa - suddenly I got it :-) No need for the coat - thank you! 

[Metall 13,090]

1 hour ago, krakp said:

Haaaa - suddenly I got it :-) No need for the coat - thank you! 

 

Then please help me.

 

[El Jeffo 39,368]

5 hours ago, Metall said:

 

Then please help me.

 

 

Try it with quotation marks (and ignore the grammar mistake):

 

I've been learning German for "20 years". It's "zwanzig Jahre".

[cb6dba 5,915]

Breaking news, German scientists finally make a breakthrough in sustainable dairy farming by developing a variety of cheese that can be made from dog's milk.

 

They hope moppsarella will be available in shops by mid 2021.

 

 

[fraufruit 35,288]

5 hours ago, El Jeffo said:

 

Try it with quotation marks (and ignore the grammar mistake):

 

I've been learning German for "20 years". It's "zwanzig Jahre".

 

Thank you!! Now I get it.

[cb6dba 5,915]

Now I get it....

[krakp 146]

Good to see that not only I was so dense :-P

[HH_Sailor 2,197]

You had to have been there...

 

Sometimes these aural jokes don't make it onto paper and ink.

 

Try this (again, it needs a listener):

 

Q:

What's black and white and red all over?

 

 

Ans:

A newspaper

 

(sic)

[katheliz 16,110]

10 hours ago, HH_Sailor said:

Q:

What's black and white and red all over?

Ans:

A newspaper

My family's response was 'an embarrassed zebra'.

[Techsmex 12,463]

Side effects of sleeping in church.

A lady dozed off while the pastor was preaching. When she woke up, she heard the pastor saying, “Stand up!”. To look attentive, she stood up and the pastor said, “Thank you young lady and God bless you! Please remain standing.” The pastor continued, “Anyone else who has been unfaithful to her husband? Please don’t be shy. Be like this sister, stand up!”

[Techsmex 12,463]

Speaking of side effects...

“Doctor, those pills you gave me are working well but they are making me walk like a crab”...

“Oh, that'll be the side effects”

[El Jeffo 39,368]

4 minutes ago, Techsmex said:

Speaking of side effects...

“Doctor, those pills you gave me are working well but they are making walk like a crab”...
“Oh, that it’ll be the side effects”

 

Boooo! You're in the wrong thread, Techs!

[Techsmex 12,463]

8 minutes ago, El Jeffo said:

 

Boooo! You're in the wrong thread, Techs!

 

Mybad

 

How bout this one?

 

This is how bad the economy is:

 

My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can not afford batteries.

CEO’s are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.

If the bank returns your check marked ‟Insufficient Funds,” you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

McDonald’s is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

And, finally….

I was so depressed last night thinking about covid,  the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc.., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.