Jokes

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I made a face mask for my pet duck, nothing fancy ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... but it fits the bill.

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On 25.6.2020, 13:02:43, hooperski said:

I made a face mask for my pet duck, nothing fancy ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... but it fits the bill.


Could you please change your picture? Donald would be preferable.

 

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On 25.6.2020, 13:02:43, hooperski said:

I made a face mask for my pet duck, nothing fancy ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... but it fits the bill.

 

@hooperski : You're baaack!! \o/

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Why is every American receiving a $1,200 cheque?

 

Because Trump always pays off the people he's fucked. 

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A journalist was visiting a convent on the German/Polish border afer the end of the 2nd world war. He asked the mother superior to tell him about her experiences. Sh asked some of the other nuns to join her for the interview.

 

"Well, it was very turbulent for us. First the Germans came through and they ravaged all the nuns in the convent".

A little voice from the back:

"All except sister Mary".

"Oh yes. I forgot about her. Thank you for reminding me.

Later, the Russians came through and they ravaged all the nuns again".

"Don't forget about sister Mary, They didn't ravage her!"

"Quite right sister. How forgetful of me".

 

The jounalist was intrigued and asked,

 

"Was sister Mary not very attracive then?"

 

"Oh no. Not at all. But she wasn't really terribly keen on that kind of thing, you know".

 

 

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A young doctor moved out to Dunbeath  to replace a doctor who was retiring.
The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor.
At the first house a woman complains, “I’ve been a little sick to my stomach.”
The older doctor says, “Well, you’ve probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Cut back on the amount you’ve been eating and see if that does the trick?”
As they left, the younger man said, “You didn’t even examine that woman? How’d you come to the diagnosis so quickly?”
“I didn’t have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the bin. That was what probably was making her sick.”
The younger doctor said, “Pretty clever. If you don’t mind, I think I’ll try that at the next house.”
Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She said that she just didn’t have the energy she once did and said, “I’m feeling terribly run down lately.”
“You’ve probably been doing too much for the church,” the younger doctor told her. “Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps.”
As they left, the elder doctor said, “I know that woman well. Your diagnosis is most certainly correct, she’s very active in the church, but how did you arrive at it?”
“I did what you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope and, when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the minister under the bed

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A nun had to get to a mission in a village somewhere in the Sahara desert. 

A sleazy driver took her in a jeep for the drive through the desert.

The driver: "Sister, you look quite HOT under that mantle, wouldn't you like to take it off, cool down and have a go?"

The nun replied: "My son, what you desire is dead to the world".

Eventually the nun got really hot and had to open up the top a bit. The driver immediately said: "Sister, you have great breasts, why don't we have a go?".

The nun replied: "My son, what you desire is dead to the world".

After a few hours, the jeep broke down and they had to find a way by foot. The nun had to tear apart the lower end of the dress to be able to walk.

The driver immediately said: "Sister, you have great legs, why don't we have a go?".

The nun replied: "My son, what you desire is dead to the world".

After an hour, they found a camel and grabbed him. The driver helped the nun climb on top and saw her behind.

"Sister, you have a great ass, why don't we have a go?".

The nun replied: "My son, what you desire is dead to the world".

After a few hours, the camel got tired of carrying a fat nun and a sleazy bastard and just dropped dead. When the nun fell from the camel, she spread her legs and exposed her "butterfly". The driver, incredibly aroused, shouted: "Sister, you have a great "butterfly"!!!! , why don't we have a go?".

The nun replied: "My son, what you desire is dead to the world".

The driver shouted even louder: "Sister, I have something with me that can wake up the dead!!!!!"

The nun: "Oh yeah? Put it on the camel's ass to see if it wakes up!"

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You shouldn’t post too many nun jokes, Acton. You shouldn’t get into the “ habit.”

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AND Acton🙏🏻, you know, nun jokes are not always appreciated because of the bad language involved! Let me give you an example!🙏🏻
 

So a Bishop says to his niece, who is a nun, 

“ Sister, let me teach you how to play golf!”

 And she agrees.

 On the golf course, the Bishop shows the nun what a tee is and swipes at the ball and... it ends up in the lake and the Bishop screams: “ oh fuck, oh shit.🙁”

 

The nun is shocked! “ Oh, Bishop, that is unholy language.”

 

The Bishop: “ I apologise. That will not happen again.”

And he swipes at the ball again.. and it ends up in a tree.. and he screams: “ oh shit, oh fuck.”

 

And the nun reprimands him again.

And , again , the Bishop apologises and swears it will not happen again. But IF it happens again.. “ may God strike me dead.”

 

So, again , he has a swipe at the ball and.. it ends up in a tree again..

 

” Oh fuck, oh shit.🙁”

 

Suddenly, the sky darkens, thunder rolls in and there is a flash of lightning.”

And the lightning kills the nun.

 

And then, from high above , comes a sad squeal... “ oh shit, oh fuck.”

🙁

 

( True story, by the way!)

😂

 

 

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Bloke goes to the local council to apply for a job in the office
The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine."
"Have you ever worked for the public service before?"
"Yes, I was in the army." he says, "I was in Iraq for two tours."
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points towards employment."
Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A mine exploded near me when I was there and I lost both of my testicles".
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K. You've got enough points for me to take
you on right away. Our normal hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm....but you can start tomorrow at 10.00am
and carry on starting at 10.00am every day."
The bloke is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8.00am to
4.00pm, why don't you want me here until 10.00am? I'm not looking for any special treatment you know"
"What you have to understand is that this is a council job," the interviewer says,
"For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our bollocks.
There's no point in you coming in for that."

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[marketing meeting]

Me: shamcum Board: no Me: shampiss Board: no Me: shamblood *an hour later* Me: shampoo Board: ok yes fine

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