Jokes

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This is for the people who remember the Cold War.Why was toilet paper in DDR so hard and rough" they wanted every arse hole to be red".

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WARNING - a risque joke.

Texas Sex

The Rodeo Position



Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favourite sex positions.
One said, "think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."


"I don't think I have ever heard of that one," said the other cowboy.聽"What is it ?"

"Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount聽her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts
in your hands and whisper in her ear, 'Boy, these feel just like your聽sister's.'

Then you try and stay on for 8 seconds."

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Waiter: 聽"How do you like your steak, sir?"
Sir:聽 "Like winning an argument with my wife."

Waiter: "Rare it is!"

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A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd... "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?" The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully-grazing flock and calmly answered, "Sure." The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his IBM Thinkpad and connected it to a cell phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulae. He sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a response. Finally, he prints out a 130 page report on his miniaturized printer then turns to the shepherd and says.... "You have exactly 1586 sheep." "That is correct; take one of the sheep." said the shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car. Then the shepherd says: "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my animal?" "OK, why not." answered the young man. "Clearly, you are a consultant." said the shepherd. "That's correct." says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?" "No guessing required." answers the shepherd. "You turned up here although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don't know crap about my business... Now give me back my dog."

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A middle aged Scotsman was invited to a cocktail party in London. He wore his ceremonial dress.

A young Englsih woman engaged him in conversation and after a while, her curiosoty took over and she asked him

" I've always wanted to know what is worn under the kilt". The man answered, "Lassie. There's nothing worn under this kilt. It's all in perrfect worrking orrder!"

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1 hour ago, Acton said:

A middle aged Scotsman was invited to a cocktail party in London. He wore his ceremonial dress.

A young English woman engaged him in conversation and after a while, her curiosity took over and she asked him

" I've always wanted to know what is worn under the kilt". The man answered, "Lassie. There's nothing worn under this kilt. It's all in perrfect worrking orrder!"

One of my all-time favorites.

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18 hours ago, katheliz said:

One of my all-time favorites.

Sometimes the Golden Oldies aren't only for the senior citizens. Some of the whippersnappers on this site probably haven't heard them.before.:P

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Sir Elton John halted a concert last night because he lost his voice.聽

The organisers offered him Strepsils but Elton said he was more of a Locketman...

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Heard this on the radio today in German.

A husband burst into his bedroom and finds a strange man in bed with his wife.

He screams " You have slept with my wife? For that you will pay!!"

The man looks at him and says, " I'm not stupid. I'm not going to pay twice?"

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A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

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