Jokes

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Brexit...

 

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a bar.
The Englishman wanted to go so they all had to leave. 

 

Brexit walks into a bar. The Barman says: “Why the long farce?”

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My mate asked me, "If you could have any superpower, what would it be?" ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... I replied " Cold War Russia".

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My missus asked me, if I could have a threesome with any of her friends, who would I choose.
Apparently I was only supposed to name one, not two.
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Funnily enough, hoops... my better half, being better educated than me and what with my being hard of hearing, once asked me something similar but used posh words— menage-a-trois or something.

So , I took her to London zoo.

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Jokes aside, hoops.. my Nicole actually worked a season in her youth as a lion tamer’s assistant!

True dat!

Idea for a thread- the most dangerous job you’ve ever done!

Friday coming up!

🙏🏻😂

 

PS: Nicole and I found each other 20 years ago- finder’s keepers!

😂

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When I first met my now wife, I thought, she's a keeper.  She had massive gloves.

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A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender
"Beer for me, beer for you, and beer for everyone who is in the bar now." After drinking, the man starts walking out of the bar. "Hey, what about the payment?" yells the bartender. "I have no money," answers the man. The bartender hears that and beats the man as hard as he can, then throws him out into the street.
The next evening the man walks again into the bar and says to the bartender, "Beer for me, beer for you, and beer for everyone who is in the bar now." The bartender thinks to himself, "The man can't be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, tonight he must have enough money", and gives beer to everyone. After drinking, the man starts walking out of the bar. "Hey, what about the payment?" yells the bartender. "I have no money," answers the man. The bartender hears that and beats the man as hard as he can, then throws him out into the street.
One evening later the man walks again into the bar and says to the bartender, "Beer for me, and beer for everyone who is now in the bar."
In disgust, the bartender asks "What, no beer for me this time?"
"No," answers the man, "you get violent when you drink."

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Who’s the most unpopular man in football?
 

The bloke who shouts, "Give me a 'B'!" at Borussia Mônchengladbach games.

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Married Four Times

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time.

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.. "He's a funeral director," she answered. "Interesting," the newsman thought... He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

(Wait for it...)

 

- She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

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Melania, "What the hell are you doing?"

Trump,   "Teaching the cat to play Poker".

Melania, "Where is your shirt?"

Trump,   "Lost it 10 minutes ago".

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A man and woman were married for MANY years. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

Neighbors feared him. The mean old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 87... they were hoping the old woman would have some happy years after his passing.

After the burial, the old woman's neighbors were concerned for her, so they asked: "Are you afraid that he may indeed dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?"

The wife said, "Nawhhh.... Let him dig. I had him buried face down. And I know he won't ask for directions."

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Vladimir Putin, calling the White House after Trumps election...

“Hello, Donald? I would like to discuss Ukraine with you.”

Trump: “What’s Ukraine?”

Putin: “Thanks, Donald!”

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Why do the KGB thugs always walk around in threes?

One can read, one can write, and the third keeps an eye on the two intellectuals.

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How do we know that Adam and Eve were Soviet citizens?

They had one apple between the two of them, they had no clothes, and they believed they were living in paradise.

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10 hours ago, Techsmex said:

How do we know that Adam and Eve were Soviet citizens?

They had one apple between the two of them, they had no clothes, and they believed they were living in paradise.

 

Now Apple rules the world, the emperor has no clothes, and we're all going to hell

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On 12/10/2019, 10:00:51, silty1 said:

 

Now Apple rules the world, the emperor has no clothes, and we're all going to hell

 

If the emperor has no clothes then it is his own fault for imposing the trade tariffs!  

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When my wife and I argue it is a bit like when a band goes on tour.

 

First we start with some new stuff.

Then out comes all the greatest hits.

 

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A Man walks into a bar with an amphibian on his shoulder.

The bartender says “What an interesting pet, what’s his name?” 

“Tiny” the man replies.

“What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?”

"Because he’s my newt."

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