Jokes

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Once upon a time, there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.

Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen's breasts for this reason.

He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor.

Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.

Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.

Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers.

Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's breasts.

The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber,Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins.

With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear.

The King immediately summoned Nick...

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When I went to the library, to get a book on Paranoia, I saw a man walk in with a bicycle pump and smiling. I ran outside to check, and it was just as I suspected. He had let down the air in my tires, and then pumped them up again so I wouldn't notice.

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Patient, "Doctor, Doctor, I keep getting people's occupations wrong".

Doctor, "Hmmm, anything else?"

Patient, "A pound of carrots please".

 
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There were three girls who were getting married and all met at the marriage counselor's office to discuss the options of having or not having a baby right away. There were two city girls and one farm girl...
The counselor asked them if they planned on having a baby right away or were going to wait awhile. They all agreed that they had discussed this with their potential husbands and all agreed to wait awhile...
Well, the counselor asked the first girl what type of birth control she planned to use. Her answer was, "The rhythm method"...
"That will work," said the counselor, "if you keep a good record"...
He asked the second girl what system she planned on using. "I plan on using birth control pills," she said..
Again he said, "Yes that will work as long as you don't forget to take them."
He then asked the farm girl what system she was planning on using. Her answer was, "The bucket and saucer method." After a short delay, he told her that should also work...
He asked them all to come back in one year on a specific date for a follow up on how things were going...
They all met again one year later and the two city girls were pregnant. Only the farm girl was slim and trim yet...
Well, the counselor asked the first girl what method she used and what went wrong. She replied, "I used the rhythm method but somehow got my notes mixed up and, well here I am, going to have a baby"...
He asked the second city girl what method she used and she replied, "The birth control pill. But we were camping one weekend and I didn't have my pills with me and as you can see, I too am going to have a baby"...
He turns to the farm girl. "I vaguely remember you were going to use the bucket and saucer method. Now I must admit that I don't have a clue what the bucketl and saucer method is. Will you explain it to me as I see it has worked well for you"...?
She replied, "Well we make love standing up, and since I am quite a bit taller than my husband, he stands on a bucket turned upside down. Now as we are making love, I watch his eyes, and when his eyes get as big as saucers, I kick the bucket out from under him"

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This morning at a job interview I was asked how well I perform under pressure.

I told them I didn't know verse two, but I was word perfect on Radio Ga Ga.

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Medium, "if you're there, move the glass to spell something".

Ouija Board, "S O M E T

Wife,  "Yep,that's him".

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I ordered the book "How to avoid your annoying neighbours", but was out when the postman came.  He left it next door ... ...

 

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I ordered a train set as a Xmas present for my grandson. But due to technical problems, they sent me a replacement bus instead.

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Little Johnny wanted to go to the Zoo and pestered his parents for days. 

Finally his Mother talked his reluctant Father into taking him.

"So how was it"..??, his Mother asked when they returned home.

"Great," Little Johnny replied...

"Did you and your Father have a good time"..?? asked his Mother.

"Yeah, Daddy especially liked it," exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly. 

"Especially when one of the horses came home at 10 to1"..

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There was an inflatable boy, and he goes to an inflatable school. While there, he finds himself having a really bad day. Bored with the lesson, he gets up and walks out of the inflatable classroom but, while walking down the corridor, he sees the inflatable headmaster approaching him.

The inflatable boy pulls out a pin and punctures the inflatable headmaster before running out of the inflatable school gates. Just as he gets past the gates, he thinks again, "I hate school", and once more pulls out his pin and pokes it into the inflatable school. He then runs as fast as his inflatable legs allow, all the way home and races into his inflatable bedroom.

A couple of hours later, his inflatable mother is knocking at his bedroom door and with her are the inflatable Police. Panicking, our inflatable boy yet again pulls out the pin and jabs it into himself. Later on that evening, he wakes up in an inflatable hospital and, in the bed next to him, he sees the inflatable headmaster.

Shaking his deflated head - more in sorrow than in anger - the Headmaster gravely intones:

"You've let me down; you've let the school down, but worst of all, you've let yourself down."

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A Hunter walking through the jungle found a huge dead dinosaur with a pygmy standing beside it. Amazed, he asked: "Did you kill that?". The pygmy said "Yes." The hunter asked "How could a little bloke like you kill a huge beast like that?". Said the pygmy: "I killed it with my club." The astonished hunter asked: "How big is your club?" The pygmy replied: "There's about 60 of us."

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Two Newfoundland hunters, Otis and Elmer, got a pilot to fly them into the Canadian wilderness where they managed to bag two big Bull Moose.  

 

 

As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only the hunters, their gear and one moose.  

 

The hunters objected strongly saying, "Last year we shot two, and the pilot let us take them both...and he had exactly the same airplane as yours."  

 

Reluctantly the pilot, not wanting to be outdone by another bush pilot, gave in and everything was loaded.  

 

However, even under full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down, crashing in the wooded wilderness.  

 

Somehow, surrounded by the moose, clothing and sleeping bags, Otis and Elmer survived the crash.  

 

After climbing out of the wreckage, Otis asked, "Any idea where we are?"

 

Elmer replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year.

 

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I looked up déjà vu in the dictionary and there was a picture of me looking up déjà vu in the dictionary.

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I bought a vegan friend of mine a fancy cookbook.

Unfortunatley he said he couldn't accept it as it was leather bound.  It was too heavy for him to lift.

 

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Archaeologists found what they thought to be an ancient snowman burial site, turns out it was just a field of carrots.

 

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I lost my job as a zoo keeper, there were signs everywhere saying "Don't feed the animals" ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... so I didn't.

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Donald Trump walks into a bank to cash a cheque. As he approaches the cashier, he says, "Can you cash this cheque for me?"

Cashier, "It would be my pleasure, have you any I.D.?"

Trump, "I didn't bring any I.D. as I didn't think I'd need it. I'm President of the United States".

Cashier, "Yes I know who you are, but with money laundering etc, we must follow the regulations and ask for I.D."

Trump, "Just ask anyone in the bank who I am, everyone knows who I am".

Cashier, "This is what we've done in the past. Once Rory McIlroy came in here to cash a cheque without I.D.

To prove who he was, he took out his club and chipped a ball across the bank foyer straight into a coffee cup. We cashed his cheque.

Another time Andy Murray came in with no I.D.  He did a similar thing with his racquet and a tennis ball. We cashed his cheque.

So what can you do to prove that you are Donald Trump?"

Trump, "Honestly my mind is totally blank, I can't think of a single thing, I have no idea what to do, I don't have a clue ... ... ..."

Cashier, "Will that be large or small bills Mr Trump?"

 

 

 

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