Jokes

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My cousin just called and asked if I would loan her €500 to help her pay her rent. Those who know me, know that I'm always willing to help out friends and family. I told her to give me some time to think about it and I would call her back.

 

Before I called her back, my aunt called and told me that my cousin was lying and not to give her the money. She goes on to say that the real reason my cousin wanted the €500 was to get her boyfriend out of jail so she could be under the same roof as him for his birthday. I thought about it for a minute and decided to give her the €500 because we all need help at times.


So, I called my cousin and told her to come and get the money. A couple of hours later, I get a call from the Nashville City jail. It was my cousin crying, screaming and asking why I gave her counterfeit money. My response...so you and your boyfriend could be under the same roof for his birthday! 
 

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As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees a a €10 note in the dog's mouth and a note reading "10 lamb chops, please."
Amazed, the butcher takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth and quickly closes the shop.
He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the time table and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck.
As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" button, then the butcher follows him off.
The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the porch. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door.
He does this again and again. No answer.
So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door.
A big guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog.
The butcher runs up screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!"
The owner responds, "Genius my ass, this is the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"

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Englishman "Did you hear about the Irishman who ... "

Irishman "Hold on, you got duped by a bus".

 

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Went on a date with a dentist last night, it went so well she doesn't want to see me for six months.

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I'm worried about my grandson, he doesn't talk much and has started wearing coconuts on his head. I think he may be a little shy.

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I walked into a car showroom and said to the salesman, "My wife would like to talk to you about the Volkswagen Golf in the window."   

He said, "We don't have a Volkswagen Golf in the window."   I said, "You do now."

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"That's what you are".

 

A band was playing in a club and a person requested that they play the above song.

After consulting with each other, they were forced to admit defeat, as nobody knew this song..

The man was devastated, as he really wanted to dance this song with his girlfriend so he could propose to her in the most romantic way.

 

The band asked him if he could sing it for them, then perhaps somebody would know it.

 

The man said ok and began "Unforgettable,....."

 

(Courtesy of the late, great, Peter Sellers)

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A mother-in-law stopped by unexpectedly the recently married couple's house. She knocks on the door, then immediately walks in. She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.

"What are you doing?" she asked. 

"I'm waiting for Jeff to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Jeff loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy."

The mother-in-law on the way home thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and expectantly waited for her husband, lying provocatively on the couch.

Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her naked on the couch.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she replied.

"Needs ironing," he says" "What's for dinner?"

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 In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realise you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
    The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defence attorney?'
    She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
    The defence attorney nearly died.
    The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
    'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.

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Sir Alex Ferguson decides to come out of retirement and play for Man U, he goes into the changing room to find all his team mates looking a bit glum.
"What's up?" He asks.
"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only Liverpool.They're crap and we can't be bothered".
Sir Alex looks at them and says "Well I know I'm a bit fat and old, but I reckon I can beat them by myself, you lads go down the pub."
So Alex goes out to play Liverpool by himself and the rest of the Man U team go off for a few beers. After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the TV on. A big cheer goes up as the screen shows
"Man united 1 (Ferguson 10 minutes) – Liverpool 0
He is beating Liverpool all by himself! Anyway, a few more beers later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on" They put the TV on.
"Result from Old Trafford : Man U 1 (Ferguson 0 minutes) – Liverpool 1 (Salah 89 minutes)
They can't believe it, he has single handed got a draw against Liverpool! They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands.
He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down I've let you down"
"Don't be stupid Alex, you got a draw against Liverpool all by yourself. And they only scored at the very very end!"
Alex says "No, No, I have, I've let you down!. I got sent off after 12 minutes!"

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A doctor calls his patient and says “I’ve got some bad news and some worse news.”

Patient: “What’s the bad news?”

Doctor: “You’ve got 24 hours to live.”

Patient: “WOW! Well what’s the worse news?”

Doctor: “I forgot to call you yesterday.”

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