Jokes

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Went to the gym earlier and saw some numpty put a water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.

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I've just read Great Expectations ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... it wasn't as good as I thought it would be.

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My daughter just passed her driving test and asked me to buy her something cheap to run around in.

So I bought her a pair of trainers from Lidl.

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8 hours ago, hooperski said:

My daughter just passed her driving test and asked me to buy her something cheap to run around in.

So I bought her a pair of trainers from Lidl.

Too apt!  My cousin is 65 and has two teenagers just getting their driver's licenses this year.  He's already worrying! :D
I'll send him this to soothe his mind.

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It's been a funny old day.  First I found a hat with a load of change in it, then I got chased by an angry nutter with a guitar.

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"What's a Freudian slip?" 

"It's when you say one thng, but mean a mother".

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5d3b0d44e3665_3irishmen.jpg.ac5266c1e7fa

 

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a bench.

Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment.

He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white patriarchal society . "In fact", he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society".

After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"

"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery", asked the couple?

"Because I am the artist, who painted the picture", he replied, "In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all.

They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch"

 

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2 minutes ago, HEM said:

This story appeared on page 66 of the "worst jokes ever" thread back in October 2010 - albeit without the actual picture.

Unfortunately, these days I find it difficult to remember why I walked from one room to another, so 9 years is pure fantasy...

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On 26/07/2019, 15:43:15, Wulfrun said:

Unfortunately, these days I find it difficult to remember why I walked from one room to another, so 9 years is pure fantasy...

 

I lent you £20 back in 2010, want to pay me back?

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I once knew a thief who stole a calendar and got twelve months.

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8 hours ago, hooperski said:

 

I lent you £20 back in 2010, want to pay me back?

Now that I'd remember :lol:

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10 hours ago, hooperski said:

People who steal dictionaries have got a way with words.

 

They probably have a diction problem.

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Patient, "Doctor, I'm addicted to wearing bubblewrap".

Doctor,  "Just pop your clothes over there".

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The first time I met my now wife, I thought, she's a keeper ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... massive gloves.

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I went to the hospital to visit my Nan, I saw a sign that said "Stroke Patients Here".  My case comes up Tuesday.

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I walked into a barber shop, the man said "Short, back and sides".  I replied, "Not really, I've just got long legs".

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