Jokes

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1 hour ago, Janx Spirit said:

A Millennial walks into McDonald's and studies the menu for a bit, then asks the cashier, "What's your healthy option?"

 

Not missing a beat, the cashier replies, "Walking out."

I watched the flick Super-size Me and it left me jonesing for a Quarterpounder!?  I'm not much a one for fast food - in fact, in twenty years I've bought fast food just once.  So the next day I went to McD and bought a Qpounder.  Eouuuuugh, it tasted like crap, and I tossed it after one bite.

@Janx Spirit, your joke is really Gold Star good advice.  

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Just now, katheliz said:

I watched the flick Super-size Me and it left me jonesing for a Quarterpounder.  I'm not much a one for fast food - in fact, in twenty years I've bought fast food just once.  So the next day I went to McD and bought a Qpounder.  Eouuuuugh, it tasted like crap, and I tossed it after one bite.

@Janx Spirit, your joke is really Gold Star good advice.  

 

I actually like McD but I agree that their food tastes better when yearning for it than when you are actually eating it.  They have a new vegan burger now.  I tried it and it wasn't horrible.

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44 minutes ago, LeonG said:

They have a new vegan burger now.  I tried it and it wasn't horrible.

 

That'll be the sugar, salt and flavour enhancers ;) 

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3 hours ago, LeonG said:

 

I actually like McD but I agree that their food tastes better when yearning for it than when you are actually eating it.  They have a new vegan burger now.  I tried it and it wasn't horrible.

 

Maybe they should use that compliment as a slogan on the side of a bus.

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RAF African deployment, in the early days.

A new Commanding Officer was sent to an African jungle outpost to relieve the retiring detachment CO. After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches) that protocol decrees, the retiring Wing commander said, "You must meet my Station Warrant Officer, Warrant Officer Smithers, my right-hand man, God, he's really the strength of this unit. His talent is simply boundless."

Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO who was surprised to meet a crooked, toothless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, with three strands of hair on his head – But immaculately dressed, a particularly unattractive man of less than three foot tall. "Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself." "Well, sir, I have had a long and successful career in the RAF, I Initially joined the RAF Regiment and during my career I won the Military Cross and Bar and three DSO's after 12 months of expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in all sorts of sporting events and won Gold Medals in the middleweight division boxing, archery, wrestling and 2 golds in the Olympic games. I have researched the history of....." Here the Wing Commander interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, the CO can find all that in your file. Tell him what happened that day when you told the local Witch Doctor to Fuck Off.”

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Police in South Africa have stated that Oscar Pistorius has escaped from jail.

People are being asked to keep an eye out for a white male, medium build, between 4' 2" and 5' 11" tall.

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The party was held around the pool in the backyard of Monty's mansion.  Everyone was having a good time dancing, eating prawns, oysters and  drinking and flirting.

At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 16ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in.'

The words were barely out of Monty's mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Darel in the pool fighting the croc, jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of stuff like head butts and choke holds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Darel and the croc were screaming and raising hell. Finally Darel strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a dead goldfish.

Darel then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.  The Monty says, 'Well, Darel, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.' 'Nah, you all right boss, I don't want it,' said Darel.

The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about a new car?'

'No thanks. I don't want it,' answered Darel.

The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Rolex watch and some stock options?  Again, Darel said "No."

Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well Darel, then what do you want?

Darel said, 'I just want the b****** who pushed me in.'

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I can't stand people who keep bad mouthing Scousers. 

My dad worked in Liverpool for nearly 20 years and never had any trouble with the locals.

He was a tail - gunner on a milk float.

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Two immigrants have just arrived in the United States by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart. "Two dogs, please," she says. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the companions hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs."One of them opens the foil and begins to blush. Staring at it for a moment, she turns to her friend and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?

 

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A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal.
Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu….


+ Tourist: £8.00
+ Broiled Missionary: £10.00
+ Fried Explorer: £12.50
+ Baked Conservative or Grilled Labour politician: £100.00

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, “Why such a high price for the Politicians?”

The cook replied, “Have you ever tried to clean one? They’re so full of sh1t, it takes all morning.”

 

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A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns.
Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. 

While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. 

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain... do whatever he tells you. 

Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"

His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!"

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Old lady, "My tits are as hot as they were 50 years ago"

Husband, "That's because one is in your coffee and the other is in your porridge".

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My mate Stephen started using a pH neutral bodywash, now he's called Steen.

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Three guys are convicted of a very serious crime, and they're all sentenced to twenty years in solitary confinement. 
 They're each allowed one thing to bring into the cell with them. The first guy asks for a big stack of books. The second guy asks for his wife. And the third guy asks for two hundred cartons of cigarettes. 
 At the end of the twenty years, they open up the first guy's cell. He comes out and says, "I studied so hard. I'm so bright now, I could be a lawyer. It was terrific." 
 They open up the second guy's door. He comes out with his wife, and they've got five new kids. He says. "It was the greatest thing of my life. My wife and I have never been so close. I have a beautiful new family. I love it." 
 They open up the third guy's door, and he's slapping at his pockets, going "Anybody got a match?"

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A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Washington, D.C., when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.
 

The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back, letting go of the girl, and the biker brings the girl to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A reporter has watched the whole event.


The reporter, addressing the Harley rider, says: 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.'

 

The Harley rider replies: 'Why, it was nothing, really. The lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.'

 

The reporter says: 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page. So, what do you do for a living?'

 

The biker replies: "I'm a U.S. Marine."

 

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads on the front page:

“U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH”.

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A priest, a minister, and a rabbi wanted to find out who’s best at his job. So they decide that each of them will go into the woods, find a bear and attempt to convert it.

 

Later that day, they get together. The priest begins: “I found a bear sitting by a tree. I blessed him and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his first communion.”

 

The minister says, “I found a bear by a stream and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”

 

They both look at the rabbi, who is all scratched and bruised and with his clothes torn to shreds. The rabbi looks at them and says, “Maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision.”

 

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I bought a pack of breath fresheners, along the side it said "Best Before Date".  That's a good idea.

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A banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old farmer, in town. Tom had lost his wife a year or so before; and rumour had it that he was marrying a 'mail order' bride. 

 

 

Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumour was true.

 

Tom assured him that it was. 

 

The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be. 

 

Tom proudly said, 'She'll be twenty-one in November.' 

 

Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man. 

 

Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy, the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the farm, knowing nature would take its own course. 

 

Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.

 

About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again. 'How's the new wife?', asked the banker. 

 

Tom proudly said, 'Good - she's pregnant.' 

 

The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, 'And how's the hired hand?'

 

 

Tom said, 'She's pregnant too.' 

 

Don't ever underestimate us old guys

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