Jokes

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Two policemen call the station on their radio.

 

"Hello... Is this the Sarge**?"

 

"Yes?"

 

"We have a case here, Sarge. A woman has shot her husband dead for stepping on the floor she had just mopped."

 

"Have you arrested the woman?"

 

"No , not bloody likely. The floor is still wet. ”

 

** Sarge is a shortened, informal form of the rank of Sergeant.

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Two policemen call the station on their radio.

 

"Hello... Is this the Sarge**?"

 

"Yes?"

 

"We have a case here, Sarge. A woman has shot her husband dead for stepping on the floor she had just mopped."

 

"Have you arrested the woman?"

 

"No , not bloody likely. The floor is still wet. ”

 

** Sarge is a shortened, informal form of the rank of Sergeant. (for the non-Brits!)

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A London lawyer runs through a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish policeman.

 

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from London, and is certain that he has a better education than any copper and he decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the policeman's  expense!!

 

The copper says 'License and registration, please.'

 

London Lawyer says, 'What for?' 

 

The policeman replies, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the Stop sign.'

 

London Lawyer, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'

 

Policeman, 'You still didn't come to a complete stop. License And registration, please.'

 

London Lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'

 

Policeman, 'The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!'

 

London Lawyer, 'If you can show me the legal difference between 'slow down' and 'stop', I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'

 

The policeman replies, 'That sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.'

 

The London lawyer exits his vehicle and copper takes out his baton and starts beating the hell out of the lawyer with it and says,

'Now do you want me to stop, or just slow down?'

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A wise man speaks to his boy, 

 

"My boy, when you have the understanding to know why a pizza is made round, to be put in a square box and is eaten in triangles, only then are you ready to start being able to understand women".

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A little boy about 12 years old is walking down the street dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute and knocked on the door. 

 

When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. 

 

He said, 'I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it. 

 

The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come on in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, 'Do any of the girls have any diseases?' 

 

Of course the Madam said 'No'. 

 

The boy said, 'I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after having sex with Amber - THAT'S the girl I want.' 

 

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. 

 

He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door. 

 

The Madam stopped him and asked, 'Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?' 

 

He said, 'Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a babysitter. 

 

After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll give her one in the car and he'll catch the disease.. 

 

Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mum will go to bed and have sex, and Mum will catch it. 

 

In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the disease, and HE'S the prick who ran over my FROG!' 

 

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I remember that place, Clive! I remember the boy! He was an Animals fan back in the 60s..he went to the House of the Rising Son!

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An Irish painter by the name of Murphy, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist.

 

Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all over Ireland were coming to the town of Miltown in County Clare, to get him to paint their likenesses.

 

One day, a beautiful young English woman arrived at his house in a stretch limo and after introductions, she said "I have an unusual request, would you paint me in the nude?"

 

This being the first time anyone had made such a request, he was a bit perturbed, particularly when the woman told him that money was no object; in fact, and she was willing to pay up to 10,000 pounds.

 

Not wanting to get into any marital strife, he asked her to wait while he went into the house to confer with his wife, Mary. 

 

They talked much about the Rightness and Wrongness of it. 

 

It was hard to make the decision but finally his wife agreed, on one condition.

 

In a few minutes he returned.

"T'would be me pleasure to paint yer portrait, missus," he said “The wife says it's okay.”

 

"I'll paint you in the nude all right; but I have to at least leave me socks on, so I have a place to wipe me brushes."

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A young woman started work in the village chemist shop, but she was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public.

 

The Chemist was going on holiday for a couple of days, and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own.

She had to confide in him her worries about selling condoms.

 

"Look" he said "My regular customers don't ask for condoms, they either ask for a 310 (small), a 320 (medium), or a 330 (large). The word condom is never mentioned".

 

The first day was fine, but on the second day a guy came into the shop, put out his hand and said “350" please.

 

The girl panicked and so she phoned the Chemist on his mobile and told him of her predicament.

 

 "Go back in and check if he has a bucket hanging between his legs" her boss told her.

 

She peeped through the door, and saw the bucket hanging between the guy's legs. "Yes!” she shouted down the phone "he's got one hanging there!”

 

 The boss replied, "Well, go back in there and give him £3.50 ...he's the window cleaner.”

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A Priest is driving down the road when he comes across a pig lying dead in the road.

 

He contacts the Police to inform them of his find. A cocky desk sergeant laughs and says "Did you give it the last rites".

 

"No" says the Priest "I thought I'd inform his next of kin first".

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A blonde woman visits her husband in prison Before leaving, she tells an officer: "You shouldn't make my husband work like that. He's exhausted!" officer laughs, saying: Are you kidding? He just eats and sleeps and stays in his cell!" : "Bullshit! He just told me he's been digging a tunnel for months!"

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Two Roofers, Bob and Dan, were putting a new roof on a barn when a bundle of shingles slid down the slope and knocked the ladder over. Bob and Dan decided since it was early they would continue working because someone would surely come around by quitting time:

It was nearing 5 PM and they hadn't seen hide nor hair of anyone. So, they walked around the roof a few times and finally decided there was only one way down. On the West side of the barn was a big manure pile.

Bob said. "It's the only way down. I will go first." Bob jumped.
 Dan heard the squishy landing and yelled. "Hey Bob! How deep did you go?"

Bob yelled back. "I went to my ankles Dan, come on JUMP!"
 Dan jumped and went clear up to his neck in manure.

He said to Bob. "I thought when you jumped you went up to your ankles?"
 Bob replied. "I did, but I landed head first!"

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On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for €20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.


This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.  During the next few minutes, he explained that
his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go.

It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totalling nearly €1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over €1million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments. 

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over €2million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"

That's when she shot him.
I know, I didn’t see this coming either

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut

 

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A Millennial walks into McDonald's and studies the menu for a bit, then asks the cashier, "What's your healthy option?"

 

Not missing a beat, the cashier replies, "Walking out."

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