Jokes

5,130 posts in this topic

70 yr old husband: Mary, doesn’t it make you angry when you see me running after those young girls sometimes?

 

Mary: Not in the least, Peter. Our dog chases cars all the time and there’s also no chance he could manage to drive one. ?

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I've just watched a sad episode of Thomas the Tank Engine, where he comes home to find his wife in bed with a rail replacement bus.

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Three drunk Guys get into a Taxi, the Driver, realising how wasted they all were, thought he'd pull a fast one on them... He just turned his engine on for 30 seconds then turned it off. "Here you are guys, we're here" The first drunk got out and paid his money, the second drunk also got out and paid his money... But as the third drunk got out, he smacked the Taxi Driver in the mouth... Shocked because he thought he'd got away with actually travelling nowhere he asked the third drunk " What the Hell  was that for?"... The third drunk replied" Next time, watch your speed, you nearly had us killed"

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A teacher asked her class how many of them were Scott Morrison fans.

Not really knowing what a Scott Morrison fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny.

The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different...again.

Little Johnny said, ‘Because I’m not a Scott Morrison fan.’

The teacher asked, ‘Why aren’t you a Scott Morrison fan?’

Johnny said, ‘Because I’m a Labor supporter.’

The teacher asked him why he’s a Labor supporter.

Little Johnny answered, ‘Well, my Mum’s a Labor supporter and my Dad’s a Labor supporter, so I’m a Labor supporter .’

Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, ‘If your Mum was a moron and your Dad was an idiot, what would that make you?’

Little Johnny replied, ‘A Scott Morrison supporter.

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What's the difference between an atheist and an evangelical Trump supporter? 

An atheist is honest about not following Jesus.

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My yoga instructor has found out that I fancy her, which leaves me in an awkward position.

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Magician "Think of two numbers".

Me "OK".

Magician "That's two letters, dickhead".

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An old man lies dying, his wife by his bedside.

In a frail voice he says, "I have something to confess".

"Shhh", the wife replies. "There is nothing to confess".

She holds his hand and strokes his head, "Everything is fine".

"No" the husband says. "I must die in peace ... ... I had sex with your sister, your best friend, her sister and her Mum".

"I know" she whispered. "That's why I poisoned you, now close your eyes".

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Therapist "What is your greatest fear?"

Patient     "Consonants".

Therapist "Why?"

Patient     "Yes, sometimes".

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After a heavy night in the pub, my mate offered to stay at his place saying "I've made up the spare room".

He was true to his word, there was no spare room.

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(Bumping into a friend I've not seen in a while)

 

Me, "Wow, your kid's got big.  What's he, four?"

Friend, "I've got no idea what he's for".

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A man and woman were married for many, many years. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. 
The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
Neighbours feared him. The old man liked the fact that he was feared.
Then one evening, he died when he was 98. 
After the burial, her neighbours, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you?" 
The wife said, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down... and I know he won't ask for directions."

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True story, Clive...when my mum was very unwell and preparing for the end:

" Mum, do you want to be buried next to our Dad? ".

Our mum: " I was married to that bastard for years. I don´t want to lie next to him for thousands of years..."

By the way, when my Dad was nearing the end, my mum and sis went to a local undertaker´s place in Essex and spoke to the geezer there. He showed my mum some typical coffins, different styles, woods, sizes etc and my mum asked the price.

The undertaker said " this one is 500 pounds, this one 400 pounds, this one is 350 pounds..."

 

My mum looked at my sister and then the undertaker: " that´s fucking expensive. Burn the bastard."

So we did!

:D

My mum: good old-fashioned Yorkshirewoman...

:P

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 A young man named Donald bought a horse from a farmer for £250. The
farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day.

 

The next day, the  farmer drove up to Donald's house and said, “Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.”

Donald replied, “Well,  then just give me my money back.”

The farmer said, “Can’t do that, I went and spent it already.”

Donald said, “Ok, then, just bring me  the dead horse.”

The farmer asked, “What ya gonna do with  him?”

Donald said, “I’m going to raffle him off.”

The  farmer said, “You can’t raffle off a dead horse!”

Donald said, “Sure  I can, Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.”

A month  Later, the farmer met up with Donald and asked, “What happened
with that dead horse?”

Donald said, “I raffled him off.  I sold 500 tickets at five pounds apiece and made a profit of  £2495.”

The farmer said, “Didn’t anyone complain?”

Donald said, “Just the guy who won. So I gave him his five pounds back.”

Donald is soon moving into the White House.

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My wife came home and announced, "I've got some good news and some bad news." What's the bad news?" I asked. 
“I'm leaving you," she said.

"Are you deaf, I said I wanted the bad news”

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I gave a talk at a nudists' convention, I wasn't as nervous as I thought I'd be.

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A fried egg visits a scrambled egg and asks: “ how are you?”

” Not so good. I’m a bit mixed up.”

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Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

There was snow mixed with the rain and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

She sleepily replied,

"Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that shit."

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Englishman: "That your dog?"

Welshman: "Aye"

Englishman: "Mind if I speak to him?'

Welshman: "The dog doesn't talk.”

Englishman: Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doing all right."

Welshman: (look of shock)

Englishman: Is this your owner (Pointing at the Welshman)

Dog: "Yep."

Englishman: How's he treating you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the park once a week to play."

Welshman: (Look of total disbelief!)

 

Englishman: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Welshman: "The horse doesn't talk.”

Englishman: "Hey horse how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool."

Welshman: (Extreme look of shock!)

Englishman: "Is this your owner (Pointing to the Welshman)

Horse: "Yep."

Englishman: "How's he treating you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me, brushes me down often and keeps me in a nice stable to protect me from the weather."

Welshman: (Look of total amazement!)

 

Englishman: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Welshman: "That sheep's a ruddy liar!!”

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